Well once again I have over spent and may live in a cardboard box.
With 6 kids it is almost impossible to not over spend at Christmas, every year I say to myself, I WILL NOT give into the fiasco of Christmas and I will just get the basics for the children and keep Jon and I from falling behind and adding undo stress to our lives.
FAIL.
I don't know what happens, I get all scared of disappointing my kids and I get all crazy and I start buying things to represent my love.
To represent my love.
Is that what I am doing??!! That is sick! There will never be a sufficiant amount of money to possibily represent my love for my children, my husband, my friends and my dad. A whole year of guilt, for not showing my kids properly I love them, for not calling my dad because I am a chicken, for not holding Jon enough and living in the moment with him, will never have a dollar value or a gift value.
Every year, I run around looking for the perfect gifts, that will make my children feel magical and special and loved and adored, I bake and I cook and I run around trying to find perfection, when all along, that gift is inside me.
Not that I don't share it often, I do, but because Christmas is suspose to be special, we want them to feel more magic, more love and more special. Yet, because I am so stressed out at Christmas time I snap at them everyday because I'm tired, broke and sad because, even the best present in the world will still leave me feeling empty, because the real gift and only gift I can give, that will make me feel...like I gave magic...is me. My love, my devotion, my full attention is the only gift my children, Jon and Dad need.I can't possiblily give that kind of pure attention everyday, but, on Christmas, I should make it special, by being the best me...I can be. The loving mommy, the devoted wife and the daughter that loves with her whole heart, without fear.
So this year, my bank account is empty, because I didn't get it on time, however I will make a conscience decision to give them my magic.
Next year, my kids will experience the magic of Christmas with a few important gifts and some yummy goodies on the table, but most importantly, they will have me, fully engaged in the moment, stress free and calm, laughing and smiling because I feel like I did it right.
I GOT what Christmas is meant to be.
MAGIC.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Date with tears
Every year I break down in tears.
Usually Christmas morning, I get overwhelmed with feelings; overload, and have an ugly, soul cleaning, heart repairing cry.
The holidays are very difficult when you have lost family over the years. Everyone gets together..but...it's not everyone. You try to make the best of this holiday, buy the presents, make things magical, but inside, there is this hole that is flooded with grief.
I've decided that I will start planning my grief day, because if I don't plan it, it will come on its own in the middle of making memories with my children and make them feel sad and afraid.
Mommy shouldn't cry.
So I will get some beautiful Christmas music, lock myself in my room after the kids are asleep, sip a cold glass of sparkling apple cider, sit cross-legged on my bed and remember.
Remembering the Christmases of the past, with the beautiful trees and yummy baking, with my mom humming in the kitchen and Jason laughing in the living room, of being a child without any worries and the excitement of Santa, cuddling Jason and dreaming of the amazing presents, of being tucked in and loved. I will remember Grandparents that would chuckle at my antics, aunts and uncles that would make me laugh and friends who have come and gone from my life. Remembering all the things that made Christmas special and being thankful that I had these amazing people in my life at all, even if it was for a short time.
Then, I will wipe my tears, curl up into bed, and whisper to all of them...
"Thank you for allowing me to be part of your amazing life."
Usually Christmas morning, I get overwhelmed with feelings; overload, and have an ugly, soul cleaning, heart repairing cry.
The holidays are very difficult when you have lost family over the years. Everyone gets together..but...it's not everyone. You try to make the best of this holiday, buy the presents, make things magical, but inside, there is this hole that is flooded with grief.
I've decided that I will start planning my grief day, because if I don't plan it, it will come on its own in the middle of making memories with my children and make them feel sad and afraid.
Mommy shouldn't cry.
So I will get some beautiful Christmas music, lock myself in my room after the kids are asleep, sip a cold glass of sparkling apple cider, sit cross-legged on my bed and remember.
Remembering the Christmases of the past, with the beautiful trees and yummy baking, with my mom humming in the kitchen and Jason laughing in the living room, of being a child without any worries and the excitement of Santa, cuddling Jason and dreaming of the amazing presents, of being tucked in and loved. I will remember Grandparents that would chuckle at my antics, aunts and uncles that would make me laugh and friends who have come and gone from my life. Remembering all the things that made Christmas special and being thankful that I had these amazing people in my life at all, even if it was for a short time.
Then, I will wipe my tears, curl up into bed, and whisper to all of them...
"Thank you for allowing me to be part of your amazing life."
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Hey Fluffy
Holy crap this isn't going to be easy, since when did we have that much chaos in our lives??!!
And you, like dragging a dead horse towards the door, to get you to walk yesterday, and don't think you won, I will be marching your ass around today and YOU have no say about it. I get, you were tired yesterday and needed to sleep but...if you get tired that early then you come home for work and get that puppy and walk until you have to pick up the kids. How about Walk to pick up the kids? I know the temperture is going to drop here soon but I guess we will have to purchase some warm gear for you, and some new shoes, yours suck and an Ipod or MP3 player would help distract you from your obsessing about your fatigue or your responsibilities.
Look this family will have to figure out how to take care of themselves if you aren't on this planet anymore because your heart gives up because it is tired of carrying our load. I will get them on a program of taking over suppers 3 times a week or more so you can do this. Missing supper on the nights Trevor brings home pizza isn't a bad thing, I will make sure there are healthy choices for you on the fly.
Did a bomb go off in the fridge??!! I see all the healthy food but it is such a disaster in there you don't know what to eat and how to eat it. Meal planning (I know planning isn't your thing) will have to happen. Precooking a lot on the weekend should take a bunch of pressure off you on the weekday, I know that cuts into your "escape the house and have fun" time but now is go time. Want to hang with these amazing friends, walk with them, call them, and meet somewhere and walk. I understand you don't want to go to the gym right now, I get it, because you can't find your shoes and you have OCD about things not being exactly right before going somewhere like a gym, with the judgement and the muscleheads. So until I find those bloody shoes, we will be getting to know your neighbourhood, no hills...that almost killed you. Nice and easy, my friend.
I know you are trying so hard, I can feel you getting overwhelmed but take a deep breath and trust me, I won't let you fall, I am right here, loving you, holding you up and believing in you.
We can do this.
Love Slim
And you, like dragging a dead horse towards the door, to get you to walk yesterday, and don't think you won, I will be marching your ass around today and YOU have no say about it. I get, you were tired yesterday and needed to sleep but...if you get tired that early then you come home for work and get that puppy and walk until you have to pick up the kids. How about Walk to pick up the kids? I know the temperture is going to drop here soon but I guess we will have to purchase some warm gear for you, and some new shoes, yours suck and an Ipod or MP3 player would help distract you from your obsessing about your fatigue or your responsibilities.
Look this family will have to figure out how to take care of themselves if you aren't on this planet anymore because your heart gives up because it is tired of carrying our load. I will get them on a program of taking over suppers 3 times a week or more so you can do this. Missing supper on the nights Trevor brings home pizza isn't a bad thing, I will make sure there are healthy choices for you on the fly.
Did a bomb go off in the fridge??!! I see all the healthy food but it is such a disaster in there you don't know what to eat and how to eat it. Meal planning (I know planning isn't your thing) will have to happen. Precooking a lot on the weekend should take a bunch of pressure off you on the weekday, I know that cuts into your "escape the house and have fun" time but now is go time. Want to hang with these amazing friends, walk with them, call them, and meet somewhere and walk. I understand you don't want to go to the gym right now, I get it, because you can't find your shoes and you have OCD about things not being exactly right before going somewhere like a gym, with the judgement and the muscleheads. So until I find those bloody shoes, we will be getting to know your neighbourhood, no hills...that almost killed you. Nice and easy, my friend.
I know you are trying so hard, I can feel you getting overwhelmed but take a deep breath and trust me, I won't let you fall, I am right here, loving you, holding you up and believing in you.
We can do this.
Love Slim
Dear Slim...first day back.
I forgot to tell you this wouldn't be easy. I kinda like not working too hard, I also get discouraged pretty easy. Oh and our lives...pretty crazy right now. 6 kids, a puppy, a dragon, and a cat to keep alive. No one else seems to know how to cook in that house, that or they don't care to try and things get untidy every half minute. Look I am willing to do whatever you say, to get this weight off, but well, it's going to take some thought process.
I love how I didn't think about anything negative yesterday, and I wasn't afraid. I had this inner peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Like I can let go of the steering wheel and let you drive. I only wish I could lay on a couch and eat cheese doodles and watch you work your magic, but apparently I have to be part of this healing process. SIGH.
Love you,
Fluffy.
I love how I didn't think about anything negative yesterday, and I wasn't afraid. I had this inner peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Like I can let go of the steering wheel and let you drive. I only wish I could lay on a couch and eat cheese doodles and watch you work your magic, but apparently I have to be part of this healing process. SIGH.
Love you,
Fluffy.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Dear Slim
Dear Slim,
You would think I would be mad at you for ditching me, but I'm not. I just plain missed you, I'm the funny and sensitive one that is here to make people laugh and feel good, you were the one that had an edge and gave me determination and drive. You leave me in charge, and the result is this, I eat my feelings, I act like an idiot and I have no idea how to fight or defend myself, so people get away with treating me like poo. I hate making decisions, that was your job. So I made decisions that would make me feel the least shitty and well...LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!
You sure have your work cut out for you, I'm not built to carry this load, where there was muscle, there is now fluff and fluff isn't made to do anything but be soft. That is what I am, soft, in my heart, in my soul and now, in my body. You Slim are the strength of this operation and only you can carry fluffy me across this finish line.
I advise you to make me lighter so carrying me isn't so impossible.
Remember Slim, although I am excited to have you back, I have changed too. I went through a whole bunch of things that have forever changed who I am. I'm afraid of being exposed without my fluffy suit, I'm afraid of being alone to deal with the changes, this fluffy suit has kept the wolves at bay and made me pretty invisible, I liked that, I know how to deal with invisible, being seen, being beautiful and noticeable again...terrifying. You know my past, you know what has happened to me that makes these fears very valid, you have to stay and deal with these things now, my coping skills won't do it anymore. I need you to fight for me, keep me healthy, be strong and believe for both of us that we are worth more than ridicule and abuse. I will keep my end of the deal, keep it funny, keep it soft and keep it full of love.
By the way Slim, we aren't alone, because I'm soft, and funny and pretty wonderful, I have amazing friends cheering us on, be nice to them, they love us like we deserve to be loved.
Welcome back Slim, you have been missed.
Now get to work and fix my mess.
Loved always by me,
Fluffy
You would think I would be mad at you for ditching me, but I'm not. I just plain missed you, I'm the funny and sensitive one that is here to make people laugh and feel good, you were the one that had an edge and gave me determination and drive. You leave me in charge, and the result is this, I eat my feelings, I act like an idiot and I have no idea how to fight or defend myself, so people get away with treating me like poo. I hate making decisions, that was your job. So I made decisions that would make me feel the least shitty and well...LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!
You sure have your work cut out for you, I'm not built to carry this load, where there was muscle, there is now fluff and fluff isn't made to do anything but be soft. That is what I am, soft, in my heart, in my soul and now, in my body. You Slim are the strength of this operation and only you can carry fluffy me across this finish line.
I advise you to make me lighter so carrying me isn't so impossible.
Remember Slim, although I am excited to have you back, I have changed too. I went through a whole bunch of things that have forever changed who I am. I'm afraid of being exposed without my fluffy suit, I'm afraid of being alone to deal with the changes, this fluffy suit has kept the wolves at bay and made me pretty invisible, I liked that, I know how to deal with invisible, being seen, being beautiful and noticeable again...terrifying. You know my past, you know what has happened to me that makes these fears very valid, you have to stay and deal with these things now, my coping skills won't do it anymore. I need you to fight for me, keep me healthy, be strong and believe for both of us that we are worth more than ridicule and abuse. I will keep my end of the deal, keep it funny, keep it soft and keep it full of love.
By the way Slim, we aren't alone, because I'm soft, and funny and pretty wonderful, I have amazing friends cheering us on, be nice to them, they love us like we deserve to be loved.
Welcome back Slim, you have been missed.
Now get to work and fix my mess.
Loved always by me,
Fluffy
Dear Fluffy
Dear Fluffy,
It has been a long time since I have spoken up to you. I guess I was in hiding because I was afraid that you wouldn't forgive me for letting you take on, all my fears and sadness. I'm sorry I let you down and let you fall apart without my support. It was all so hard to deal with. I didn't know how to survive it all, so I let you cushion me with the fluff, to cover up my loveliness with excess and protect me from a world without Jason, without protection, without support and love, and let me disappear and grieve in silence.
I'm silent no more. I'm healed, I grieve no more, I'm strong and happy and I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and pick you up. Today and everyday after this, I will worship this body of ours, she has survived insurmountable pain, hardship and loss and I will love and nurture you Fluffy, because you protected me. You can rest now, well not really rest, because you no longer have to store our bullshit. Every pound on our body is a pound of pain I won't let reside there anymore, I love you too much, I respect you, I see you and your desperation to live and I will take us there. I know how to be healthy and how to use this body for good like hiking and skiing and all the other things I used to do with my body when I was in charge. I know how much our body should eat, because I used to eat well and take care of myself, because, here is the kicker, I used to love eating well and being active. I think you forgot how well I ate and how active I was. You'll be remembering soon.
I just want to help you get up with those extra pounds, hold you up until you can do this without it being a conscience effort. I won't let the harmful self talk be there anymore, only my voice will be there, I have the right to be there, I know your story and I know you did your very best with a life full of rollercoaster loops, only now, I'm on this ride with you and I'll be damned if you ever ride alone again.
I am well again, I will protect you from your asshole ex husband, as if HE has the right to ridicule YOU, he forgets I know his past and if he would like me to enlighten him about it and his OWN choices and mistakes, I sure will...anytime, bring it on bucko. Leave him to me, he will piss off when I am done with him. How dare anyone prey on someone that was suffering? Well no more, I think he also forgets the girl he met 21 years ago, there is no way she would tolerate this bull crap and she isn't going to anymore. Lets play with this bully, HE won't be winning this battle, not anymore.
I will be coaching you towards making us the same person. I will pick you up when you are tired, I will hand you an apple when you crave the sultry salty temptress Cheese Doodle, and I will love you, and take care of you like I have never done before. I'm sorry I didn't, I didn't know how special you were until you took this fat bullet for me and took care of me.
So that voice in your head...rooting for you is me, again I am sorry I took off and let you deal with all my crap, but now is the time we unite and kick this weight and be done with the sad chapter of our life. Now we will move on toward the place we would be if I hadn't left you. A place were we are happy, strong, determined, free and successful.
I will love you always,
Slim
It has been a long time since I have spoken up to you. I guess I was in hiding because I was afraid that you wouldn't forgive me for letting you take on, all my fears and sadness. I'm sorry I let you down and let you fall apart without my support. It was all so hard to deal with. I didn't know how to survive it all, so I let you cushion me with the fluff, to cover up my loveliness with excess and protect me from a world without Jason, without protection, without support and love, and let me disappear and grieve in silence.
I'm silent no more. I'm healed, I grieve no more, I'm strong and happy and I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and pick you up. Today and everyday after this, I will worship this body of ours, she has survived insurmountable pain, hardship and loss and I will love and nurture you Fluffy, because you protected me. You can rest now, well not really rest, because you no longer have to store our bullshit. Every pound on our body is a pound of pain I won't let reside there anymore, I love you too much, I respect you, I see you and your desperation to live and I will take us there. I know how to be healthy and how to use this body for good like hiking and skiing and all the other things I used to do with my body when I was in charge. I know how much our body should eat, because I used to eat well and take care of myself, because, here is the kicker, I used to love eating well and being active. I think you forgot how well I ate and how active I was. You'll be remembering soon.
I just want to help you get up with those extra pounds, hold you up until you can do this without it being a conscience effort. I won't let the harmful self talk be there anymore, only my voice will be there, I have the right to be there, I know your story and I know you did your very best with a life full of rollercoaster loops, only now, I'm on this ride with you and I'll be damned if you ever ride alone again.
I am well again, I will protect you from your asshole ex husband, as if HE has the right to ridicule YOU, he forgets I know his past and if he would like me to enlighten him about it and his OWN choices and mistakes, I sure will...anytime, bring it on bucko. Leave him to me, he will piss off when I am done with him. How dare anyone prey on someone that was suffering? Well no more, I think he also forgets the girl he met 21 years ago, there is no way she would tolerate this bull crap and she isn't going to anymore. Lets play with this bully, HE won't be winning this battle, not anymore.
I will be coaching you towards making us the same person. I will pick you up when you are tired, I will hand you an apple when you crave the sultry salty temptress Cheese Doodle, and I will love you, and take care of you like I have never done before. I'm sorry I didn't, I didn't know how special you were until you took this fat bullet for me and took care of me.
So that voice in your head...rooting for you is me, again I am sorry I took off and let you deal with all my crap, but now is the time we unite and kick this weight and be done with the sad chapter of our life. Now we will move on toward the place we would be if I hadn't left you. A place were we are happy, strong, determined, free and successful.
I will love you always,
Slim
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Confusion
With all these new medications, I'm not sure what is to blame for my confusion. My head can't seem to retain any information and I miss being able to think on the fly. I guess it is good that I'm not trying to pursue my comedy career right now, because I would be screwed if someone heckled me. I can't think on the spot at all, or if I get interrupted I will never come back to the original thought. Maybe it's age??
Starting a new job ( that I love) with all the new systems and a new program to learn I'm getting frustrated with how much I am screwing up. This isn't me!!! I guess I have to slow down and take my time and learn a few things at a time, unlike my old self. In the future I guess when an employer asks what are some of my weaknesses I can say..."well I can't multi- task and I STILL can't craft, so nothing with scissors or glue..or sparkly things...WITH glue ...that stick to my fingers and make me go postal... and obsessively wash my hands to get all stick off of me...and then get an itchy nose....oh crap...I just changed topics, and I can't remember where I was going with that...SIGH.
I hate being confused. Clarity is what I crave right now. I need to take ownership of my own mistakes and sort out how to fix them and start over so I can feel complete. Maybe THAT is why I am so confused right now, I have so much I am trying to do, that my brain is going into overload. My heart is too, I have been allowing myself to feel and express and love and it is quite shocking to my system...to have attachments again.
This self improvement thing is difficult. Sitting on the couch eating cheese doodles was easier than this...but not rewarding or for the betterment of myself.
Every night, I now look at how far I have come and smile because this journey is the best thing I have ever done for myself.
Then.
I try to remember where I lost my keys.
Starting a new job ( that I love) with all the new systems and a new program to learn I'm getting frustrated with how much I am screwing up. This isn't me!!! I guess I have to slow down and take my time and learn a few things at a time, unlike my old self. In the future I guess when an employer asks what are some of my weaknesses I can say..."well I can't multi- task and I STILL can't craft, so nothing with scissors or glue..or sparkly things...WITH glue ...that stick to my fingers and make me go postal... and obsessively wash my hands to get all stick off of me...and then get an itchy nose....oh crap...I just changed topics, and I can't remember where I was going with that...SIGH.
I hate being confused. Clarity is what I crave right now. I need to take ownership of my own mistakes and sort out how to fix them and start over so I can feel complete. Maybe THAT is why I am so confused right now, I have so much I am trying to do, that my brain is going into overload. My heart is too, I have been allowing myself to feel and express and love and it is quite shocking to my system...to have attachments again.
This self improvement thing is difficult. Sitting on the couch eating cheese doodles was easier than this...but not rewarding or for the betterment of myself.
Every night, I now look at how far I have come and smile because this journey is the best thing I have ever done for myself.
Then.
I try to remember where I lost my keys.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I need
I need peace
I need love
I need family
I need friends
I need acceptance
I need cheese doodles ( ha ha just seeing if you're paying attention)
I need hugs
I need to learn how to enjoy hugs
I need calm
I need humor
I need time to cry
I need protection
I need shelter from my life storm
I need to create magic with my talents
I need dreams
I need goals
I need mothering
I need rest
I need forgivness
I need to forgive myself and others
I need my dad
I need help sometimes
I need to ask for help
I need to help others
I need to feel safe
I need to accept that I have needed and gone without.
I NEED to take care of my needs now and forever.
I need love
I need family
I need friends
I need acceptance
I need cheese doodles ( ha ha just seeing if you're paying attention)
I need hugs
I need to learn how to enjoy hugs
I need calm
I need humor
I need time to cry
I need protection
I need shelter from my life storm
I need to create magic with my talents
I need dreams
I need goals
I need mothering
I need rest
I need forgivness
I need to forgive myself and others
I need my dad
I need help sometimes
I need to ask for help
I need to help others
I need to feel safe
I need to accept that I have needed and gone without.
I NEED to take care of my needs now and forever.
Where has the time gone?
Well I sure have been slacking on this blog. Well that should be remedied asap.
So many things have changed since my last blog. First I no longer car pool with Mike as I lost my job. I actually quit but was asked to. I have been missing a lot of work lately because of my health, my blood pressure has been through the roof. My body, that has been living in high stress for a long time is letting me know that enough is enough.
I am living proof that a broken heart, can actually break your heart.
So the cure, is to un-break my heart. Everyday I get up and I list off the things I am thankful for. I mentally picture all my family, my friends, the roof over my head, my husband and lastly, myself, I am thankful for my life and the lessons I have learned from it, doing this, everyday has improved my self talk and helped me get up and WANT to get better.
Lets be honest folks, up until the last 6 months I have wanted to lose this battle with my health. The pain was unbearable. For all the folks that asked me how I survived what I have been through, the honest answer is I don't know, because I did everything in my power NOT to survive it. I quit being active and excited about life, I fed my pain and numbed it with calories, sugar and fat to silence my aching heart and self hatred.
Hey I still do some of these very abusive things, I get sad or scared or overwhelmed and I eat until it goes away. Here is the thing about burying your feelings with food or drugs or booze, THE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE! Doesn't matter how deep you bury them with addiction, all those feelings are there and getting harder and harder to bury. I have buried mine in 145lbs of "fluff" and only now because I am allowing my feelings out am I heading towards a better future. Everyday I address my insecurities and my fears and I explain them to myself. Only when my mind gets wrapped around the why, will I truly be free.
Last weekend, I had to talk to my ex for the first time in months. He wanted to finally take out daughter out and I fully encouraged this. She had other ideas, she is so angry with him for having nothing to do with her for the last 2 years that she has now quit.
I got on the phone with him to try and explain how she is feeling and he, my abuser, said that I only have myself to blame for her being a rebellious and angry teenager. I taught her that and I have to live with it.
For the first time in my life, that didn't hurt me or upset me because it was so untrue, it didn't even hit my radar. I simply said to "He who has no shadow", "that isn't true, maybe what has happened in this divorce is partially my fault, however I will no longer that full blame for the pain my children have suffered. He was mostly silent due to being at work, and having to keep his "image". However, I feel it's a victory, for me. He can't scare me into self hatred anymore. I refuse to allow it, because...
I don't hate me anymore.
So many things have changed since my last blog. First I no longer car pool with Mike as I lost my job. I actually quit but was asked to. I have been missing a lot of work lately because of my health, my blood pressure has been through the roof. My body, that has been living in high stress for a long time is letting me know that enough is enough.
I am living proof that a broken heart, can actually break your heart.
So the cure, is to un-break my heart. Everyday I get up and I list off the things I am thankful for. I mentally picture all my family, my friends, the roof over my head, my husband and lastly, myself, I am thankful for my life and the lessons I have learned from it, doing this, everyday has improved my self talk and helped me get up and WANT to get better.
Lets be honest folks, up until the last 6 months I have wanted to lose this battle with my health. The pain was unbearable. For all the folks that asked me how I survived what I have been through, the honest answer is I don't know, because I did everything in my power NOT to survive it. I quit being active and excited about life, I fed my pain and numbed it with calories, sugar and fat to silence my aching heart and self hatred.
Hey I still do some of these very abusive things, I get sad or scared or overwhelmed and I eat until it goes away. Here is the thing about burying your feelings with food or drugs or booze, THE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE! Doesn't matter how deep you bury them with addiction, all those feelings are there and getting harder and harder to bury. I have buried mine in 145lbs of "fluff" and only now because I am allowing my feelings out am I heading towards a better future. Everyday I address my insecurities and my fears and I explain them to myself. Only when my mind gets wrapped around the why, will I truly be free.
Last weekend, I had to talk to my ex for the first time in months. He wanted to finally take out daughter out and I fully encouraged this. She had other ideas, she is so angry with him for having nothing to do with her for the last 2 years that she has now quit.
I got on the phone with him to try and explain how she is feeling and he, my abuser, said that I only have myself to blame for her being a rebellious and angry teenager. I taught her that and I have to live with it.
For the first time in my life, that didn't hurt me or upset me because it was so untrue, it didn't even hit my radar. I simply said to "He who has no shadow", "that isn't true, maybe what has happened in this divorce is partially my fault, however I will no longer that full blame for the pain my children have suffered. He was mostly silent due to being at work, and having to keep his "image". However, I feel it's a victory, for me. He can't scare me into self hatred anymore. I refuse to allow it, because...
I don't hate me anymore.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
In the brotherhood
Lately I have been carpooling with my friend Mike, my health has made me unable to drive so Erin, Mike's wife and one of my sisters, suggested Mike and I carpool. I was sure thankful.
During our first week of carpool, Mike would have on either a comedy CD or music that he really appreciated and it was nice because I was feeling so crappy and the comedy and music made it feel better.
The next week I was starting to feel a little better and we talked a little. I'm mostly the talker and Mike is a great listener, he always adds in something funny and we laugh at each others antics.
Lately, mostly because of how good I'm starting to feel, I have been sharing some of the funniest moments of my life, and of course those all involve my brother Jason. I've been sharing our crazy antics and our "war with Rol" (my dad) and the funny things we did to my poor mom. (finding a rubber snake in the garbage of a neighbours house and trying to act natural while slithering in the room to throw it) She was on to us, but it was still funny.
Everyday I get in the car and say to myself, shut up why are you talking about this??! It's not something anyone wants to hear, you and your brother stories are only entertaining to you. Then today I realised why I am talking about it all, I need to. Losing your only sibling is losing your history, no one remembers your childhood and there is no one to reminisce with. This makes me crave that camaraderie and exchange of sibling tales.
I guess what I am saying is this, I have all these adopted sisters and it's fine, because I didn't have a sister growing up, so adjusting to them is fairly easy. Adding a brother, or a brother type figure is a little harder, because as I let Mike in and add him as a brother type in my life, it makes me crave and miss my own brother.
However, this may be one of the best steps for me.
I had a dream a few weeks ago. Jason was at the pub with me, which is where he normally is in my dreams, and he said this "Nell, your scared to let go of me because you're afraid I'm the only one that knows who you really are, but that isn't true anymore. You're letting others know you now and soon you will be able to let me go. " Then he smiled at me and said "And it's OK to let me go, because no matter what, you will always have me." And he tapped my head and my chest.
I woke up crying and saying No no no, over and over again. I don't want to let go, I can't. He loved me and he was the only one that loved me always, even at the worst.
But today I see it different, he isn't the only one now, my new siblings, have seen me at my worst, it never got worse than losing him, my mom and my children and now they are catching glimpse of my best and they love me too. So, maybe, just a little, I can let Jason recede. Even writing that my heart froze with fear, because this is a new idea and process. Will this happen overnight?
No.
Can these new siblings take all the hurt away? No, but they can hear my stories and share my childhood and love and understand what I lost, and patch up my heart as best they can...and.... love me whole.
Something Jason never got to do.
During our first week of carpool, Mike would have on either a comedy CD or music that he really appreciated and it was nice because I was feeling so crappy and the comedy and music made it feel better.
The next week I was starting to feel a little better and we talked a little. I'm mostly the talker and Mike is a great listener, he always adds in something funny and we laugh at each others antics.
Lately, mostly because of how good I'm starting to feel, I have been sharing some of the funniest moments of my life, and of course those all involve my brother Jason. I've been sharing our crazy antics and our "war with Rol" (my dad) and the funny things we did to my poor mom. (finding a rubber snake in the garbage of a neighbours house and trying to act natural while slithering in the room to throw it) She was on to us, but it was still funny.
Everyday I get in the car and say to myself, shut up why are you talking about this??! It's not something anyone wants to hear, you and your brother stories are only entertaining to you. Then today I realised why I am talking about it all, I need to. Losing your only sibling is losing your history, no one remembers your childhood and there is no one to reminisce with. This makes me crave that camaraderie and exchange of sibling tales.
I guess what I am saying is this, I have all these adopted sisters and it's fine, because I didn't have a sister growing up, so adjusting to them is fairly easy. Adding a brother, or a brother type figure is a little harder, because as I let Mike in and add him as a brother type in my life, it makes me crave and miss my own brother.
However, this may be one of the best steps for me.
I had a dream a few weeks ago. Jason was at the pub with me, which is where he normally is in my dreams, and he said this "Nell, your scared to let go of me because you're afraid I'm the only one that knows who you really are, but that isn't true anymore. You're letting others know you now and soon you will be able to let me go. " Then he smiled at me and said "And it's OK to let me go, because no matter what, you will always have me." And he tapped my head and my chest.
I woke up crying and saying No no no, over and over again. I don't want to let go, I can't. He loved me and he was the only one that loved me always, even at the worst.
But today I see it different, he isn't the only one now, my new siblings, have seen me at my worst, it never got worse than losing him, my mom and my children and now they are catching glimpse of my best and they love me too. So, maybe, just a little, I can let Jason recede. Even writing that my heart froze with fear, because this is a new idea and process. Will this happen overnight?
No.
Can these new siblings take all the hurt away? No, but they can hear my stories and share my childhood and love and understand what I lost, and patch up my heart as best they can...and.... love me whole.
Something Jason never got to do.
Rant of the month
You know that feeling when your excited about something and your tummy tingles and you're body is agitated with excitement?
I feel that today. I was looking at pictures today of a few friends on facebook and saw them hiking, walking, running and active. I looked at my own life and I basically just survive, I don't live, I survive. That's crazy!
Everyday it is the same thing, I get home from work, I make supper, eat (too much) watch some TV or read or anything that escapes me from life and then tuck everyone in and go to bed. That is all I have the energy for, granted, I do have some health concerns that I'm struggling with, but I can do better than this.
We all can.
It won't hurt the kids to go for a walk with me, it won't hurt Jon to go throw the basketball with me at the park, or when the winter months come, it won't hurt me to build a snowman with the kids or go skating (Do I remember how to skate??!!) I love the outdoors, yet I never see it anymore and I live close to Fish Creek Park and all its glory, so why don't I grab all this wonderment and live it? Tired? Lazy? Don't give a crap?
Probably.
But what am I waiting for? For life to get easier so I have the energy to do these things for a forklift to carry me out of the house because I'm too fluffy and dump me into life, for a miracle that comes along and takes away my broken heart, my anger at myself, my insecurities and my memory of a better time?
Probably, but that isn't going to happen (well maybe the forklift part if I continue the way I am.) unless I find it inside me to start living again. I have to get up, tape my favorite shows, go outside and rake the yard, take the kids with me, get out of breath and be excited, truly excited, about watching the leaves flutter down all around me! It has been a long time since I enjoyed the wonderment of this world and its beauty.
I want to hike, I hiked as a child with my parents and some friends and I loved it, I loved the climb and reaching the destination. Maybe I won't be able to reach the top at first, maybe I won't even make the first slope but I am damn well going to try again and again and again. I live in the mountains and live so close to some of the most beautiful places on earth and I never go and see them, I don't take my kids to see them and if we do go, we stay on the paved path. What am I teaching them? To always take the paved path and stay safe, because of my own fears and insecurities, because I don't want them to get hurt in any way? This isn't what I want for them. I want them to try some scary things, I want them to feel insecure and cautious and to test boundaries and know that sometimes safe, isn't the best way.
SAFE has leaded me to where I am now. Safe told me to keep everyone away from me, so I would never have to mourn again, Safe has lead me to obesity because being fluffy made me invisible to everyone and gave me peace from unwanted attention. Safe lead me to my late thirties without passion, without drive and without my best life. Safe did its job and took care of me while I healed, it protected me and cooled me down so I could build up again and feel well enough to dance with Risk again.
Risk, let me love others again, regardless if they are temporary.
Risk, will help me take off the fluffy suit and face being noticed again.
Risk, is living not knowing how it will turn out, but wanting the excitement of doing it the best you can, and excepting that it might be hard, and complicated and scary, but worth it, because you actually LIVED your best life.
I feel that today. I was looking at pictures today of a few friends on facebook and saw them hiking, walking, running and active. I looked at my own life and I basically just survive, I don't live, I survive. That's crazy!
Everyday it is the same thing, I get home from work, I make supper, eat (too much) watch some TV or read or anything that escapes me from life and then tuck everyone in and go to bed. That is all I have the energy for, granted, I do have some health concerns that I'm struggling with, but I can do better than this.
We all can.
It won't hurt the kids to go for a walk with me, it won't hurt Jon to go throw the basketball with me at the park, or when the winter months come, it won't hurt me to build a snowman with the kids or go skating (Do I remember how to skate??!!) I love the outdoors, yet I never see it anymore and I live close to Fish Creek Park and all its glory, so why don't I grab all this wonderment and live it? Tired? Lazy? Don't give a crap?
Probably.
But what am I waiting for? For life to get easier so I have the energy to do these things for a forklift to carry me out of the house because I'm too fluffy and dump me into life, for a miracle that comes along and takes away my broken heart, my anger at myself, my insecurities and my memory of a better time?
Probably, but that isn't going to happen (well maybe the forklift part if I continue the way I am.) unless I find it inside me to start living again. I have to get up, tape my favorite shows, go outside and rake the yard, take the kids with me, get out of breath and be excited, truly excited, about watching the leaves flutter down all around me! It has been a long time since I enjoyed the wonderment of this world and its beauty.
I want to hike, I hiked as a child with my parents and some friends and I loved it, I loved the climb and reaching the destination. Maybe I won't be able to reach the top at first, maybe I won't even make the first slope but I am damn well going to try again and again and again. I live in the mountains and live so close to some of the most beautiful places on earth and I never go and see them, I don't take my kids to see them and if we do go, we stay on the paved path. What am I teaching them? To always take the paved path and stay safe, because of my own fears and insecurities, because I don't want them to get hurt in any way? This isn't what I want for them. I want them to try some scary things, I want them to feel insecure and cautious and to test boundaries and know that sometimes safe, isn't the best way.
SAFE has leaded me to where I am now. Safe told me to keep everyone away from me, so I would never have to mourn again, Safe has lead me to obesity because being fluffy made me invisible to everyone and gave me peace from unwanted attention. Safe lead me to my late thirties without passion, without drive and without my best life. Safe did its job and took care of me while I healed, it protected me and cooled me down so I could build up again and feel well enough to dance with Risk again.
Risk, let me love others again, regardless if they are temporary.
Risk, will help me take off the fluffy suit and face being noticed again.
Risk, is living not knowing how it will turn out, but wanting the excitement of doing it the best you can, and excepting that it might be hard, and complicated and scary, but worth it, because you actually LIVED your best life.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
This Body
This body was born perfect with dimples on my bottom.
This body took its first steps and giggled with pleasure.T
This body spun around and around in circles until my tummy felt sick.
This body would drop down and nap anywhere and sleep sound.
This body played tag with my brother and giggled with delight.
This body danced at weddings and learned the polka.
This body went into puberty and felt the changes and embraced them.
This body tingled with excitement when it felt love's first kiss.
This body excelled at sports and triumphed in the win, grumbled about the loss.
This body fell in love and it blossomed in it.
This body made love and learned about pleasure and connection.
This body swelled with child and basked in the wonderment of it all.
This body brought life into this world and glowed with pride.
This body was beaten and abused and burns with the shame of it.
This body was violated and made to feel worthless and dulled from the pain.
This body faced loss that covered its heart with molten lava of grief.
This body fought to stay steady when my world tilted upside-down.
This body held me with my broken heart, my self-hatred and my fear.
This body was made to change into something it didn't want.
This body tolerated my abuse.
This body believed I would make it right again.
This body needs me to make it right again and love it.
This body is going to get what it deserves.
This body took its first steps and giggled with pleasure.T
This body spun around and around in circles until my tummy felt sick.
This body would drop down and nap anywhere and sleep sound.
This body played tag with my brother and giggled with delight.
This body danced at weddings and learned the polka.
This body went into puberty and felt the changes and embraced them.
This body tingled with excitement when it felt love's first kiss.
This body excelled at sports and triumphed in the win, grumbled about the loss.
This body fell in love and it blossomed in it.
This body made love and learned about pleasure and connection.
This body swelled with child and basked in the wonderment of it all.
This body brought life into this world and glowed with pride.
This body was beaten and abused and burns with the shame of it.
This body was violated and made to feel worthless and dulled from the pain.
This body faced loss that covered its heart with molten lava of grief.
This body fought to stay steady when my world tilted upside-down.
This body held me with my broken heart, my self-hatred and my fear.
This body was made to change into something it didn't want.
This body tolerated my abuse.
This body believed I would make it right again.
This body needs me to make it right again and love it.
This body is going to get what it deserves.
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Climb
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure, It is our light not our darkest that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that the people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do, It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same, as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Coach Carter.
Now this is something.
I read that and my mind started buzzing with new information.
Powerful beyond measure, we are all powerful beyond measure, this is simply amazing. All this life is asking from us, is to root for each other and allow the best we can be to come forward without shame.
I love this quote.
This blog and all my "figuring out", lets everyone know, I am flawed and that it is normal and ok to be that way. We all make mistakes, we all suffer and we are all struggling to be more, and yet we are afraid to be more because what if we climb back up, and leave the people we love behind, what happens then?
The answer is simple.
You don't climb alone.
You pull and you claw and you fight to bring everyone up with you. Some people are less afraid than others and may climb without fear towards the top, while others stumble at the bottom, afraid to reach for the first stone. The confident climbers, they need to reach back and take the hand of the fearful and pull them up with everything they have and then place their hands on a stone and continue to climb. Eventually they will start to climb, because they love you and want to be with you, and because you love them enough to bring them along.
Everyone in our lives has such potential, EVERYONE...(yes even you reading this blog). They just have to remember the passions they had as a child, before it got hard, before life stepped in and made us conform to the "norm".
Remember who you are. If you can't remember, surround yourself with people who do. Ask the climbers to reach back and take your hand and help you climb until you start to remember how to lift yourself up.
Let your people, carry you.
I am remembering that girl, with her hopes and dream and her passion. Everyday I am reaching up for another stone, and looking back to see who needs help, because when we all reach the top and look around at the beauty around us, I don't want to be alone in that place.
I want to be surrounded by other climbers, who are smiling and happy and...whole.
Lets climb shall we?
Now this is something.
I read that and my mind started buzzing with new information.
Powerful beyond measure, we are all powerful beyond measure, this is simply amazing. All this life is asking from us, is to root for each other and allow the best we can be to come forward without shame.
I love this quote.
This blog and all my "figuring out", lets everyone know, I am flawed and that it is normal and ok to be that way. We all make mistakes, we all suffer and we are all struggling to be more, and yet we are afraid to be more because what if we climb back up, and leave the people we love behind, what happens then?
The answer is simple.
You don't climb alone.
You pull and you claw and you fight to bring everyone up with you. Some people are less afraid than others and may climb without fear towards the top, while others stumble at the bottom, afraid to reach for the first stone. The confident climbers, they need to reach back and take the hand of the fearful and pull them up with everything they have and then place their hands on a stone and continue to climb. Eventually they will start to climb, because they love you and want to be with you, and because you love them enough to bring them along.
Everyone in our lives has such potential, EVERYONE...(yes even you reading this blog). They just have to remember the passions they had as a child, before it got hard, before life stepped in and made us conform to the "norm".
Remember who you are. If you can't remember, surround yourself with people who do. Ask the climbers to reach back and take your hand and help you climb until you start to remember how to lift yourself up.
Let your people, carry you.
I am remembering that girl, with her hopes and dream and her passion. Everyday I am reaching up for another stone, and looking back to see who needs help, because when we all reach the top and look around at the beauty around us, I don't want to be alone in that place.
I want to be surrounded by other climbers, who are smiling and happy and...whole.
Lets climb shall we?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Bittersweet
Today I watched as my youngest daughter, got in line and walked towards her first day of school, towards her teacher and away from me. It was actually pretty beautiful, the sun was shining on our faces, parents were smiling and excited, or so it seemed. Inside I was nervous, I don't normally like other parents. I worry about judgment, about fitting in with the Jones and looking like I have it together.
I don't have it together.
I feel as if I am always one step behind in everything. Getting Rebecca ready for her first day of school was a disaster. She had no clean clothes, the socks she has are WAY to big and her hair has a big thatch of it missing because bubble gum and hair don't mix well. (Yes, peanut butter was used but, rubbed in a circular motion over and over until it became a knot, that even a scout couldn't remove...Jon is learning. He's new to all this) She was bathed the night before, and she smelled sweet and cute. I blow dried her hair and brushed it to camouflage her hair gap. We got up, I made her some french toast and our day began.
I got ready and helped Rebecca get into a shirt that was too small and pants that were to big and waited for Jon to get ready, I ALWAYS wait for Jon. Makes me crazy, makes me crazy.
We arrived at the second hand children’s store and I quickly found the sizes 5-6 area. I just started pulling clothes out, because we were on a very tight schedule. Rebecca was buzzing around finding dresses she wanted to wear for her first day and they all looked like mini prom dresses.
"No, Beck those are too fancy, find something more...functional." Functional? She is 4, functional isn't in her vocabulary!! "Beck find something you can wear everyday." I tried again.
"I want new clothes everyday, not same dress!" she whined.
SIGH.
She sighs.
Jon comes shoving through, "How about this?" He is holding up a sweater and a pair of pants.
"I like the sweater, hate the pants" I say.
"What’s wrong with the pants?" he says
"Nineteen 80's called they want their pants back" I mumble.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, I just said...they look small" Close one, dodged that bullet. He gets so defensive if I question his awesome tastes. This is the man that wears black socks with Jesus sandals, kaki shorts and a button down shirt that is too short for him. I have told him, he doesn't care. I stopped telling him.
Anyways we pick up a few items, we did it with arguing, it couldn't be avoided, he has no idea what kids wear these days and was mocking some of my selections. I was getting annoyed and just started ignoring him all together.
It was 10:30 and she starts school at 12:15. We still had to hit Wal-Mart before we went home, to get socks so I was feeling very rushed.
Jon hates to be rushed.
I got into my battle stance. "We have to hurry, we are running out of time" I said
"I AMMMM." he snaps
See.
Hates being rushed.
We quickly rush into Wal-Mart, we stop in the cooler section to pick up her snack for class, and cheese strings it is. I tell Jon I will go to McDonalds with Beck and get a Happy Meal so she will be fed before school, also to be honest, I was emotional and needed to feed it away. I asked Jon to find socks, pay and meet us at the golden arches.
He was back in two minutes, with the items, not paid for.
The control freak in me, RAGED, but I remained calm outside and ate like I have never eaten before so I can escape somewhere and plot his death while I pay for the items so we can leave.
I scurried away saw the huge lines before me.
My eye twitched. My anger boiled up inside me, I ducked into the stationary section and tried to calm myself, stationary soothes me. I picked up a book that was pretty, for my book of me (future blog will explain this) and headed to the self serve area to pay.
"Raquel!" Jon shouts across the way. "We need to go right now!"
Why is murder illegal? Wives have rights! We vote! New rules!
I quickly beep a couple items in, when Rebecca wants to "Help". Ok, 4years old never actually help, just in case you weren't aware.
"Ok Beck, take this black thingy here and beep that across the screen thingy here."
"She knows what to do." Jon sighs.
Rebecca fumbles with it for a few minute, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries to line it up...and...then...
I snatched it away.
Good grief, I'm not built for this.
She gets upset, Jon scowls at me, I continue beeping things in a frenzy and ignore everyone.
In the car everyone is quiet. I have my eyes closed because Jon scares the shit out of me driving, so if I meet my untimely death, at least I don't have to see it.
I roll down the window, feel the breeze on my face and exhale. Ok. I can do this. I can be the loving mommy saying goodbye to her little girl and be normal.
I really thought by this stage of my life I would be normal. WHAT THE HELL IS NORMAL??!!
We get to the house, I strip Rebecca down and pull off tags and get her into her blouse and pants. The phone is ringing and I want to ignore it but the mother in me, thinks what if it's one of the kids that need you. I shuffle towards the phone, crook in on my shoulder and bark hello.
"Hey Mom, its Amanda. I'm all most at the school."
Rebecca is eyeing a her left over French toast, (still on the table from breakfast of course), and I am shooing her away from it.
"Awww your here for Beck's first day. You’re the greatest, meet us at the school." I quickly say. Rebecca is asking me something but I can't pay attention. Where is Jon?
"Which part of the school?" Amanda asks.
"The back." I say.
"By the tarmac?"
"I DON'T KNOW! Sure. Tarmac. Be there. Bye." ARGH details drive me crazy. Just show up and look around until you find me, I will be the one with the wild eyes and the crazy look.
"Mom, what if Amanda doesn't find us?" Beck pipes up.
"She will, she knows your school, she used to go there too." I say rushed like. I'm brushing her hair, I see Jon is stuffing her new backpack with a juice box and a cheese string and an apple. Glad I didn't kill him. Really glad.
We race to the car and buckle everyone in and race to the school.
We get a parking spot close and I take Rebecca out and start heading towards the school. I see Amanda and Bernie her boyfriend. I wave. Rebecca waves. No idea about Jon. He of course is behind us somewhere.
Amanda hugs Rebecca and I look down to see her face.
Rebecca is looking scared.
I crouch down and hold her.
"Today is going to be amazing, you'll see. Look at everyone here, new friends, new teacher, Amanda is here, Aiden is out there playing somewhere. It's going to be a great day." I whisper.
"Will my daycare know where to pick me up? " she asks.
"They sure do." I answered.
"But I don't know where to see them." She says.
"Your teacher will know." I look over to Jon and motion him over to us. "Daddy, the teacher knows where Rebecca goes for pick up right?"
"Yep, Rebecca there are other kids in your class that go to your daycare so everyone knows where to be. Don't worry." He hugs her.
Teacher comes out, starts hustling the kids into line. Other kids are talking to Rebecca but she is focused to the front. She just wants to get it over with. She is scared, and thoughtful.
So am I.
I look up at Amanda, I remember her first day. I smile. She was exactly like Rebecca on her first day. She was also scared and thoughtful, and she made it through. Now, she is a beautiful woman, who loves her family, who is here for her sister and here for her mother. I was chaos then and I am chaos now, and it seems to work.
"Rebecca!" I call. "I love you, have a great day."
"I whove you too mommy" she says and waves.
I wave back. I remember waving at Trevor, at Amanda, at Melanie, at Emilee, and at Aiden. My heart wells up with love and sadness.
This is my last first day of school.
It sure is Bittersweet.
I don't have it together.
I feel as if I am always one step behind in everything. Getting Rebecca ready for her first day of school was a disaster. She had no clean clothes, the socks she has are WAY to big and her hair has a big thatch of it missing because bubble gum and hair don't mix well. (Yes, peanut butter was used but, rubbed in a circular motion over and over until it became a knot, that even a scout couldn't remove...Jon is learning. He's new to all this) She was bathed the night before, and she smelled sweet and cute. I blow dried her hair and brushed it to camouflage her hair gap. We got up, I made her some french toast and our day began.
I got ready and helped Rebecca get into a shirt that was too small and pants that were to big and waited for Jon to get ready, I ALWAYS wait for Jon. Makes me crazy, makes me crazy.
We arrived at the second hand children’s store and I quickly found the sizes 5-6 area. I just started pulling clothes out, because we were on a very tight schedule. Rebecca was buzzing around finding dresses she wanted to wear for her first day and they all looked like mini prom dresses.
"No, Beck those are too fancy, find something more...functional." Functional? She is 4, functional isn't in her vocabulary!! "Beck find something you can wear everyday." I tried again.
"I want new clothes everyday, not same dress!" she whined.
SIGH.
She sighs.
Jon comes shoving through, "How about this?" He is holding up a sweater and a pair of pants.
"I like the sweater, hate the pants" I say.
"What’s wrong with the pants?" he says
"Nineteen 80's called they want their pants back" I mumble.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, I just said...they look small" Close one, dodged that bullet. He gets so defensive if I question his awesome tastes. This is the man that wears black socks with Jesus sandals, kaki shorts and a button down shirt that is too short for him. I have told him, he doesn't care. I stopped telling him.
Anyways we pick up a few items, we did it with arguing, it couldn't be avoided, he has no idea what kids wear these days and was mocking some of my selections. I was getting annoyed and just started ignoring him all together.
It was 10:30 and she starts school at 12:15. We still had to hit Wal-Mart before we went home, to get socks so I was feeling very rushed.
Jon hates to be rushed.
I got into my battle stance. "We have to hurry, we are running out of time" I said
"I AMMMM." he snaps
See.
Hates being rushed.
We quickly rush into Wal-Mart, we stop in the cooler section to pick up her snack for class, and cheese strings it is. I tell Jon I will go to McDonalds with Beck and get a Happy Meal so she will be fed before school, also to be honest, I was emotional and needed to feed it away. I asked Jon to find socks, pay and meet us at the golden arches.
He was back in two minutes, with the items, not paid for.
The control freak in me, RAGED, but I remained calm outside and ate like I have never eaten before so I can escape somewhere and plot his death while I pay for the items so we can leave.
I scurried away saw the huge lines before me.
My eye twitched. My anger boiled up inside me, I ducked into the stationary section and tried to calm myself, stationary soothes me. I picked up a book that was pretty, for my book of me (future blog will explain this) and headed to the self serve area to pay.
"Raquel!" Jon shouts across the way. "We need to go right now!"
Why is murder illegal? Wives have rights! We vote! New rules!
I quickly beep a couple items in, when Rebecca wants to "Help". Ok, 4years old never actually help, just in case you weren't aware.
"Ok Beck, take this black thingy here and beep that across the screen thingy here."
"She knows what to do." Jon sighs.
Rebecca fumbles with it for a few minute, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries to line it up...and...then...
I snatched it away.
Good grief, I'm not built for this.
She gets upset, Jon scowls at me, I continue beeping things in a frenzy and ignore everyone.
In the car everyone is quiet. I have my eyes closed because Jon scares the shit out of me driving, so if I meet my untimely death, at least I don't have to see it.
I roll down the window, feel the breeze on my face and exhale. Ok. I can do this. I can be the loving mommy saying goodbye to her little girl and be normal.
I really thought by this stage of my life I would be normal. WHAT THE HELL IS NORMAL??!!
We get to the house, I strip Rebecca down and pull off tags and get her into her blouse and pants. The phone is ringing and I want to ignore it but the mother in me, thinks what if it's one of the kids that need you. I shuffle towards the phone, crook in on my shoulder and bark hello.
"Hey Mom, its Amanda. I'm all most at the school."
Rebecca is eyeing a her left over French toast, (still on the table from breakfast of course), and I am shooing her away from it.
"Awww your here for Beck's first day. You’re the greatest, meet us at the school." I quickly say. Rebecca is asking me something but I can't pay attention. Where is Jon?
"Which part of the school?" Amanda asks.
"The back." I say.
"By the tarmac?"
"I DON'T KNOW! Sure. Tarmac. Be there. Bye." ARGH details drive me crazy. Just show up and look around until you find me, I will be the one with the wild eyes and the crazy look.
"Mom, what if Amanda doesn't find us?" Beck pipes up.
"She will, she knows your school, she used to go there too." I say rushed like. I'm brushing her hair, I see Jon is stuffing her new backpack with a juice box and a cheese string and an apple. Glad I didn't kill him. Really glad.
We race to the car and buckle everyone in and race to the school.
We get a parking spot close and I take Rebecca out and start heading towards the school. I see Amanda and Bernie her boyfriend. I wave. Rebecca waves. No idea about Jon. He of course is behind us somewhere.
Amanda hugs Rebecca and I look down to see her face.
Rebecca is looking scared.
I crouch down and hold her.
"Today is going to be amazing, you'll see. Look at everyone here, new friends, new teacher, Amanda is here, Aiden is out there playing somewhere. It's going to be a great day." I whisper.
"Will my daycare know where to pick me up? " she asks.
"They sure do." I answered.
"But I don't know where to see them." She says.
"Your teacher will know." I look over to Jon and motion him over to us. "Daddy, the teacher knows where Rebecca goes for pick up right?"
"Yep, Rebecca there are other kids in your class that go to your daycare so everyone knows where to be. Don't worry." He hugs her.
Teacher comes out, starts hustling the kids into line. Other kids are talking to Rebecca but she is focused to the front. She just wants to get it over with. She is scared, and thoughtful.
So am I.
I look up at Amanda, I remember her first day. I smile. She was exactly like Rebecca on her first day. She was also scared and thoughtful, and she made it through. Now, she is a beautiful woman, who loves her family, who is here for her sister and here for her mother. I was chaos then and I am chaos now, and it seems to work.
"Rebecca!" I call. "I love you, have a great day."
"I whove you too mommy" she says and waves.
I wave back. I remember waving at Trevor, at Amanda, at Melanie, at Emilee, and at Aiden. My heart wells up with love and sadness.
This is my last first day of school.
It sure is Bittersweet.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Won't do list
Everyone has a To Do List. I have a couple hundred thousand lost in my messy house somewhere. Finding the lists should go on my To Do List...anyways, before I ramble on about my hell hole...
I decided to write up a Not To Do List. This is brilliant!! I know, I'm a pretty big deal! (Note to self:
Add being a fat head to your Not To Do list)
Anyways, this list is comprised of things I am NOT going to do. Enjoy.
NOT TO DO LIST:
I won't:
1. Use my humor to mask my real feelings. I will only use my humor when I am feeling joyful and secure. The idiot I act like when I am nervous, will only be allowed out when being an idiot is a thoughtful and on purpose matter.
2. Direct my anger towards the people I love, I will karate kick toilet paper rolls or cardboard cut outs of my ex. OMG I want to kick that...
3. Judge others without knowing the whole story, I will seek out more stories and love them for the journey.
4. Harm my body with over exertion. I can't be everything to everyone. Quit trying.
5. Berate myself.
6. Lie to myself, I am what I am, I will own it.
7. Excuse harmful things said to me.
8. Excuse harmful things said to someone else.
9. Let self-hate rule me.
10. Keep up with the Jones, they win. I don't care. Neither do they.
11. Enable someone to keep making bad choices. Sometimes they don't know they need a safety net until they fall without one.
12. Harm myself to help another’s; I can't save them, if I can't save me.
13. Blame myself for other's failures. I will own my part. Nothing more.
14.Allow fear to make decisions for me, fear has made some pretty bad choices, so I am taking the reins of my life back, this time forever.
15. Take joy from things that are harming me or making me sick. I deserve better than that.
Well this is the start of the list, as things occur to me I will add to it.
It's a good start!
I decided to write up a Not To Do List. This is brilliant!! I know, I'm a pretty big deal! (Note to self:
Add being a fat head to your Not To Do list)
Anyways, this list is comprised of things I am NOT going to do. Enjoy.
NOT TO DO LIST:
I won't:
1. Use my humor to mask my real feelings. I will only use my humor when I am feeling joyful and secure. The idiot I act like when I am nervous, will only be allowed out when being an idiot is a thoughtful and on purpose matter.
2. Direct my anger towards the people I love, I will karate kick toilet paper rolls or cardboard cut outs of my ex. OMG I want to kick that...
3. Judge others without knowing the whole story, I will seek out more stories and love them for the journey.
4. Harm my body with over exertion. I can't be everything to everyone. Quit trying.
5. Berate myself.
6. Lie to myself, I am what I am, I will own it.
7. Excuse harmful things said to me.
8. Excuse harmful things said to someone else.
9. Let self-hate rule me.
10. Keep up with the Jones, they win. I don't care. Neither do they.
11. Enable someone to keep making bad choices. Sometimes they don't know they need a safety net until they fall without one.
12. Harm myself to help another’s; I can't save them, if I can't save me.
13. Blame myself for other's failures. I will own my part. Nothing more.
14.Allow fear to make decisions for me, fear has made some pretty bad choices, so I am taking the reins of my life back, this time forever.
15. Take joy from things that are harming me or making me sick. I deserve better than that.
Well this is the start of the list, as things occur to me I will add to it.
It's a good start!
Just breathe
It never ceases to amaze me, how much fear rules us all.
I am not the only person on the earth that is running from fear. Fear is in all of us.
Now that I am running WITH my fear, as apposed to running away from fear, (hoping to eventually stop running and FACE fear), I can look around me and see that there is a whole marathon of fear runners, some of us are jogging at a nice calm pace, some running full out, sweating and out of breath, ready to collapse from their exertion.
One of the greatest realizations I have had, is that fear comes out as anger sometimes. My Dad, love him, is a classic fear/anger guy. When he is in a moment of total fear he lashes out in anger, always has, always will. Knowing that, I can step back when he is lashing out at me and see him for who he really is, someone that has lived the same painful life as me, more painful because he didn't have a childhood where things were pretty easy, he battles his own fears in his own way.
I also realize that I scare the shit out of him. I am his only surviving family member, THAT IS pretty terrifying. I am the least secure one of our family, as in, when he makes me scared or angry I do a disappearing act. I don't call, I don't write, I ignore him and cease to exist, for a long period of time. Just writing this now, I just realized, I am scaring my dad, and that hurts me, because that hurts him. I am scaring the person in the world I am most afraid of. WOW!
Why am I scared of him? He never physically hurts me, he controls his temper enough for that, but when he feels scared or trapped, he says the meanest things he can think of to push me away. All the self-hate that resides in me, in my head, hear his insults, his anger and his distain and they feed on it. I grow to hate myself, and I fall apart, I spread my hatred into anger, and I push everyone I love away from me, because I no longer believe I deserve love and I actually don't want it.
We all have felt this way. I know that. We ALL have someone we think is judging us, and they probably are, and we take that opinion and we let it override our own opinion, let it destroy our inner peace, the self love we have built and the confidence we have worked hard to rebuild.
Damn, that’s horrible. Why are we judging each other? Why is this concept even happening?
Such crap.
This needs to stop. We all do it. I think we do it to divert attention away from ourselves, to give people something else to look at. "Don't look at me and all the crap I am carrying...look at THAT person!”? This is a cycle I would like to stop. It won't be easy, because it's there to take focus away from my own flaws, but its time to see them, answer them and leave others alone to do the same thing.
I am guilty of judgment, not often, but I do it. Although I usually only judge my judgers, I have accidentally shot an innocent down with my biting comments. That’s not fair. I don't know the story behind why they are making mistakes. Who am I to expect perfection from anyone? It is impossible. It is hateful to make someone try harder to be accepted by you. It is hateful to predetermine someone is unworthy of love by some mistakes they have made. Probably the same mistakes we would make if we had the same story.
Oh I won't stop calling people on their crap if I don't think they already know it, because sometimes people do the things they do because they have no idea it's harming others. So I will let people know from time to time that they are hurting others, but I will try to keep judgment out of it and try to find out why this person is struggling instead. So they don't have to fear me, so they can stop running from the fear, so they can breathe.
Being fearless is not possible. I wish it were. Before I breathe my last breath, I want to be rid of it all, take that final breath without the constriction of fear, without the worry of judgment, without hesitation.
I just want to breathe and fill my lungs and take peace.
Just Breathe.
I am not the only person on the earth that is running from fear. Fear is in all of us.
Now that I am running WITH my fear, as apposed to running away from fear, (hoping to eventually stop running and FACE fear), I can look around me and see that there is a whole marathon of fear runners, some of us are jogging at a nice calm pace, some running full out, sweating and out of breath, ready to collapse from their exertion.
One of the greatest realizations I have had, is that fear comes out as anger sometimes. My Dad, love him, is a classic fear/anger guy. When he is in a moment of total fear he lashes out in anger, always has, always will. Knowing that, I can step back when he is lashing out at me and see him for who he really is, someone that has lived the same painful life as me, more painful because he didn't have a childhood where things were pretty easy, he battles his own fears in his own way.
I also realize that I scare the shit out of him. I am his only surviving family member, THAT IS pretty terrifying. I am the least secure one of our family, as in, when he makes me scared or angry I do a disappearing act. I don't call, I don't write, I ignore him and cease to exist, for a long period of time. Just writing this now, I just realized, I am scaring my dad, and that hurts me, because that hurts him. I am scaring the person in the world I am most afraid of. WOW!
Why am I scared of him? He never physically hurts me, he controls his temper enough for that, but when he feels scared or trapped, he says the meanest things he can think of to push me away. All the self-hate that resides in me, in my head, hear his insults, his anger and his distain and they feed on it. I grow to hate myself, and I fall apart, I spread my hatred into anger, and I push everyone I love away from me, because I no longer believe I deserve love and I actually don't want it.
We all have felt this way. I know that. We ALL have someone we think is judging us, and they probably are, and we take that opinion and we let it override our own opinion, let it destroy our inner peace, the self love we have built and the confidence we have worked hard to rebuild.
Damn, that’s horrible. Why are we judging each other? Why is this concept even happening?
Such crap.
This needs to stop. We all do it. I think we do it to divert attention away from ourselves, to give people something else to look at. "Don't look at me and all the crap I am carrying...look at THAT person!”? This is a cycle I would like to stop. It won't be easy, because it's there to take focus away from my own flaws, but its time to see them, answer them and leave others alone to do the same thing.
I am guilty of judgment, not often, but I do it. Although I usually only judge my judgers, I have accidentally shot an innocent down with my biting comments. That’s not fair. I don't know the story behind why they are making mistakes. Who am I to expect perfection from anyone? It is impossible. It is hateful to make someone try harder to be accepted by you. It is hateful to predetermine someone is unworthy of love by some mistakes they have made. Probably the same mistakes we would make if we had the same story.
Oh I won't stop calling people on their crap if I don't think they already know it, because sometimes people do the things they do because they have no idea it's harming others. So I will let people know from time to time that they are hurting others, but I will try to keep judgment out of it and try to find out why this person is struggling instead. So they don't have to fear me, so they can stop running from the fear, so they can breathe.
Being fearless is not possible. I wish it were. Before I breathe my last breath, I want to be rid of it all, take that final breath without the constriction of fear, without the worry of judgment, without hesitation.
I just want to breathe and fill my lungs and take peace.
Just Breathe.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I remember now.
Everyday I get a better memory of who I used to be.
I was an athlete!
I could perform outstanding precision in most sports, but in swimming...I was amazing. I loved the quiet and being able to hear my heartbeat while I timed my strokes to a calming speed that could go on forever.
Last month I went to my cousins wedding. Her family lives on a lake, I went into the water, it was cold but wonderful. I swam for at least a couple hours, floating naturally and never faltering. I loved it. The peace.
Why did I quit swimming? Why did I stop loving it? When did I stop, wanting to do this for the rest of my life?
I truly quit swimming when I ran away from home. I had a job interview to work for a city pool and because I knew my parents knew my interview time and place I didn't show up. That was the first dream I gave up. Soon after I discovered I was pregnant with Trevor, so I stepped into survival mode and started making decisions that were for needs not wants.
I think to start over; I need to start where the devastation began, back when, at 16, I decided to walk away from my own dreams and passions and into someone else’s.
I think it will be healthy for my body, my mind, my soul and it will also help me heal. My brother died from drowning and I think that swimming will heal me from that. The peace and delight I get from swimming is something I NEED again.
So I guess the black size 22 bathing suit and me have a date. I hate being in a bathing suit now. It tightly squeezes my fluffy parts, it shows everything and it rides up my ass when I bend over. Beautiful.
Have to start somewhere.
Crap!!! I have to shave my legs too. Regularly. SIGH. I love being able to make cricket love songs rubbing my legs together. Goodbye old cricket legs, hopefully hello toned sexy legs.
I also had a look at my career. I often got jobs that I could get without chance of rejection. I was usually over qualified but didn't want someone to interview me and discover I sucked.
While falling in love with myself, I now know my worth in the work industry. I am brilliant, I'm one of the best sales people I know, I am a control freak and love order, even though is evades me constantly. I make people comfortable, I love finding out what someone needs and helping them find it, I have a love of change, I am spontaneous and a little carefree. I am not a desk job!!
I am not a desk job!!
So I guess I will start swimming again, get my re-certifications, get my teaching certificates, and get back to where I was at 16 and freaking start over, where I was before ADULT decisions made by a child began. I'm an adult; I can handle the decisions now. I will start at the beginning.
I'm not quitting my job, so don't panic Jon. I'm doing this slowly; I am going to enjoy every single second of rediscovery!!
And earn my life back.
I was an athlete!
I could perform outstanding precision in most sports, but in swimming...I was amazing. I loved the quiet and being able to hear my heartbeat while I timed my strokes to a calming speed that could go on forever.
Last month I went to my cousins wedding. Her family lives on a lake, I went into the water, it was cold but wonderful. I swam for at least a couple hours, floating naturally and never faltering. I loved it. The peace.
Why did I quit swimming? Why did I stop loving it? When did I stop, wanting to do this for the rest of my life?
I truly quit swimming when I ran away from home. I had a job interview to work for a city pool and because I knew my parents knew my interview time and place I didn't show up. That was the first dream I gave up. Soon after I discovered I was pregnant with Trevor, so I stepped into survival mode and started making decisions that were for needs not wants.
I think to start over; I need to start where the devastation began, back when, at 16, I decided to walk away from my own dreams and passions and into someone else’s.
I think it will be healthy for my body, my mind, my soul and it will also help me heal. My brother died from drowning and I think that swimming will heal me from that. The peace and delight I get from swimming is something I NEED again.
So I guess the black size 22 bathing suit and me have a date. I hate being in a bathing suit now. It tightly squeezes my fluffy parts, it shows everything and it rides up my ass when I bend over. Beautiful.
Have to start somewhere.
Crap!!! I have to shave my legs too. Regularly. SIGH. I love being able to make cricket love songs rubbing my legs together. Goodbye old cricket legs, hopefully hello toned sexy legs.
I also had a look at my career. I often got jobs that I could get without chance of rejection. I was usually over qualified but didn't want someone to interview me and discover I sucked.
While falling in love with myself, I now know my worth in the work industry. I am brilliant, I'm one of the best sales people I know, I am a control freak and love order, even though is evades me constantly. I make people comfortable, I love finding out what someone needs and helping them find it, I have a love of change, I am spontaneous and a little carefree. I am not a desk job!!
I am not a desk job!!
So I guess I will start swimming again, get my re-certifications, get my teaching certificates, and get back to where I was at 16 and freaking start over, where I was before ADULT decisions made by a child began. I'm an adult; I can handle the decisions now. I will start at the beginning.
I'm not quitting my job, so don't panic Jon. I'm doing this slowly; I am going to enjoy every single second of rediscovery!!
And earn my life back.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Bought the book!!
So last week, I left work a little early. I wanted to get over to Chapters and get a book on Domestic Violence. If I am finally going to admit I was abused I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life without fear, because fear is sucking the life out of me.
I had another book I had ordered a month ago. Writing Stand Up Comedy, back when I thought getting on stage was a good idea. That in itself is another blog.
I went into the store and entered the self help section. This is my happy place. I have hated myself for so long I have hundreds of books on how to fix me.
I walked around the section, trying to find the perfect book, I got my hands on a good one, it covered all kinds of abuse and I figured I probably experienced most of them. I started towards the counter and froze.
I can't admit to that freckly girl I am or was abused. I don't look the type, she will give me that look of pity and I would rather kick my own face than see pity on ANYONES face. I backed away and wondered around the store.
You have to do this Raquel.
No I don't.
Come on. You have done harder things than this.
Nope, childbirth is easier than pity. I will take twins with large heads over pity any day.
You survived it, now your just healing it, get over there and buy the book.
No.
I took couple other books and put them on top of it. Maybe she will not notice if there are a few big books on top...where is War and Peace? What section is Big Books that are cheap?
I wondered around the store for 2 hours. Yep. Two hours in a bookstore. I watched people and read a lot of titles. I sniffed the coffee brewing at Starbucks and my stomach growled.
If you buy the book I will buy you a Cinnamon Dolche....mmm wouldn't that be yummy? I won't even make it non fat.
I will get Starbucks anyways for failure to buy book. Look at this fat suit! This didn't happen from facing things. This is my avoidance suit. Everytime I feel crappy I eat cheese doodles or drink lattes. It's what I do.
Just buy the book!
I can't.
I left the store without the book.
Stupid pride. Stupid fear of judgement. Stupid fear. Stupid stupid stupid.
I went home with a latte.
And a bag of cheese doodles.
I called Wendy that night. She asked what was up. I told her about my book. I told her I was afraid.
"Well Raquel this would be the first time you faced being a victim. You hate the term victim but it is what you are. You were a victim of domestic abuse if you like it or not. Face it."
"I hate that I allowed that, I hate I let someone control me, that he still controls me."
"Then you need the book right?"
"Right. I could just buy it online..."
"No your going to walk up and buy the book, you don't have to be alone. I will come with you but you will be the one to march up there and say I am the victim of domestic violence and I want to change it."
"I'm not actually going to say that...ever."
"Yes you will, to yourself, then you will start to heal. Do it Raquel. For you."
"Fine." I said
"Fine." Wendy said.
The next day I went to the store with my sisters Michelle and Roxanne. Michelle and I go there ahead of time and were browsing the books on sale section.
I kept looking over to the dreaded section.
Roxanne showed up and we heading towards my book. I went to where I found it before and it was missing. Probably because when I got rid of it two days ago I quickly put it on the nearest shelf to my exit.
I went to the computer and found the title. I couldn't find it by myself and my sisters couldn't either. I had to ask for assistance. I took a deep breath and asked a sales lady where I could find it.
I broke out in a sweat. She just turned around and took me straight there. My sisters followed me and were there with me when we found it.
In the middle of the domestic violence section.
Argh. I stared at the hateful book and kinda paused to calmly accept that I was a woman that needed this freaking book!!!!!
I heard some laughter and looked up from my book. My sisters were in the sexual section reading a day by day book of positions. I scrambled to see what was so funny. The whole book had the craziest positions possible, well...not really possible but...funny. Ice skating!!!
They made a terrible moment , fun.
I went straight to the cashier and put my books...(yes books, I still wanted to divert attention) on the counter and did a lot of fidgeting.
But.
I bought the book!!
I had another book I had ordered a month ago. Writing Stand Up Comedy, back when I thought getting on stage was a good idea. That in itself is another blog.
I went into the store and entered the self help section. This is my happy place. I have hated myself for so long I have hundreds of books on how to fix me.
I walked around the section, trying to find the perfect book, I got my hands on a good one, it covered all kinds of abuse and I figured I probably experienced most of them. I started towards the counter and froze.
I can't admit to that freckly girl I am or was abused. I don't look the type, she will give me that look of pity and I would rather kick my own face than see pity on ANYONES face. I backed away and wondered around the store.
You have to do this Raquel.
No I don't.
Come on. You have done harder things than this.
Nope, childbirth is easier than pity. I will take twins with large heads over pity any day.
You survived it, now your just healing it, get over there and buy the book.
No.
I took couple other books and put them on top of it. Maybe she will not notice if there are a few big books on top...where is War and Peace? What section is Big Books that are cheap?
I wondered around the store for 2 hours. Yep. Two hours in a bookstore. I watched people and read a lot of titles. I sniffed the coffee brewing at Starbucks and my stomach growled.
If you buy the book I will buy you a Cinnamon Dolche....mmm wouldn't that be yummy? I won't even make it non fat.
I will get Starbucks anyways for failure to buy book. Look at this fat suit! This didn't happen from facing things. This is my avoidance suit. Everytime I feel crappy I eat cheese doodles or drink lattes. It's what I do.
Just buy the book!
I can't.
I left the store without the book.
Stupid pride. Stupid fear of judgement. Stupid fear. Stupid stupid stupid.
I went home with a latte.
And a bag of cheese doodles.
I called Wendy that night. She asked what was up. I told her about my book. I told her I was afraid.
"Well Raquel this would be the first time you faced being a victim. You hate the term victim but it is what you are. You were a victim of domestic abuse if you like it or not. Face it."
"I hate that I allowed that, I hate I let someone control me, that he still controls me."
"Then you need the book right?"
"Right. I could just buy it online..."
"No your going to walk up and buy the book, you don't have to be alone. I will come with you but you will be the one to march up there and say I am the victim of domestic violence and I want to change it."
"I'm not actually going to say that...ever."
"Yes you will, to yourself, then you will start to heal. Do it Raquel. For you."
"Fine." I said
"Fine." Wendy said.
The next day I went to the store with my sisters Michelle and Roxanne. Michelle and I go there ahead of time and were browsing the books on sale section.
I kept looking over to the dreaded section.
Roxanne showed up and we heading towards my book. I went to where I found it before and it was missing. Probably because when I got rid of it two days ago I quickly put it on the nearest shelf to my exit.
I went to the computer and found the title. I couldn't find it by myself and my sisters couldn't either. I had to ask for assistance. I took a deep breath and asked a sales lady where I could find it.
I broke out in a sweat. She just turned around and took me straight there. My sisters followed me and were there with me when we found it.
In the middle of the domestic violence section.
Argh. I stared at the hateful book and kinda paused to calmly accept that I was a woman that needed this freaking book!!!!!
I heard some laughter and looked up from my book. My sisters were in the sexual section reading a day by day book of positions. I scrambled to see what was so funny. The whole book had the craziest positions possible, well...not really possible but...funny. Ice skating!!!
They made a terrible moment , fun.
I went straight to the cashier and put my books...(yes books, I still wanted to divert attention) on the counter and did a lot of fidgeting.
But.
I bought the book!!
Who Am I?
Who was I born to be?
Discovering this, hasn't been an easy task, I guess I have to find out first, what I am not.
Everyday I find another thing I know for sure I am not. For instance, I am not a crafter. I hate scissors, I hate glue, I hate googly eyes. I don't have the patience or love to complete a craft.
It's easier to find out who I am not.
Figuring out who I am, has lead me to mess, confusion, lots of reading, indecision, set backs, exhaustion, failure, laughter, embarassment, endless advice from my guardians, loss of people I couldn't live without, betrayals and greater loyality and over all great life lessons.
During all this I have JUST discovered the art of being still, because its hard to obsorb what you have learned if you keep running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Sometimes being still is laying on the floor of your room with your hair wild and your room locked and listening to your own heartbeat, and sometimes it's listening to your guardian, with a still mind and heart, and hearing the advice they have.
To find me I had to make mistakes and find out who I wasn't. I had to jump in and make decisions, because action brings forth lessons, and you can't live a life just inside your head. So I jumped alot, sometimes I fell, sometimes I stumbled, more times... I landed.
Everyday I need to find something I no longer agree to do. For instance: I will no longer agree to eat baked beans, I hated them as a child, I tried them as an adult, and hate them. Decision made. So, quite often I scratch something off my list of self discovery and make it a conclusion. Not that you can't change your mind, I have done that a lot too, but it all leads towards the direction of you.
I also decided that I have to face my anger, I have let it take me too far away from who I am. I have let it ball up inside me and form into this fat suit. I gave it more credit than it's worth and I refuse to let it guide me for the rest of my life. Dealing with my anger and grief will give me my life back, because dealing with the past and the future is right now, in the middle of the present. Screwed up, hopeful, hilarious, fabulous me, will start treating this miracle of a being with the dignity and respect she deserves.
I am beloved. I have to stop being angry to see that. To love myself. To move on from the wreckage that created itself because I was too angry to care.
Letting go of the anger will be the single most difficult thing I will ever accomplish. It will be raw and painful, but in the end there will be only be me left. Beautiful, lovely, peaceful, soft, random, fluffy, flawed and funny...Me.
(Maybe not fluffy)
Discovering this, hasn't been an easy task, I guess I have to find out first, what I am not.
Everyday I find another thing I know for sure I am not. For instance, I am not a crafter. I hate scissors, I hate glue, I hate googly eyes. I don't have the patience or love to complete a craft.
It's easier to find out who I am not.
Figuring out who I am, has lead me to mess, confusion, lots of reading, indecision, set backs, exhaustion, failure, laughter, embarassment, endless advice from my guardians, loss of people I couldn't live without, betrayals and greater loyality and over all great life lessons.
During all this I have JUST discovered the art of being still, because its hard to obsorb what you have learned if you keep running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Sometimes being still is laying on the floor of your room with your hair wild and your room locked and listening to your own heartbeat, and sometimes it's listening to your guardian, with a still mind and heart, and hearing the advice they have.
To find me I had to make mistakes and find out who I wasn't. I had to jump in and make decisions, because action brings forth lessons, and you can't live a life just inside your head. So I jumped alot, sometimes I fell, sometimes I stumbled, more times... I landed.
Everyday I need to find something I no longer agree to do. For instance: I will no longer agree to eat baked beans, I hated them as a child, I tried them as an adult, and hate them. Decision made. So, quite often I scratch something off my list of self discovery and make it a conclusion. Not that you can't change your mind, I have done that a lot too, but it all leads towards the direction of you.
I also decided that I have to face my anger, I have let it take me too far away from who I am. I have let it ball up inside me and form into this fat suit. I gave it more credit than it's worth and I refuse to let it guide me for the rest of my life. Dealing with my anger and grief will give me my life back, because dealing with the past and the future is right now, in the middle of the present. Screwed up, hopeful, hilarious, fabulous me, will start treating this miracle of a being with the dignity and respect she deserves.
I am beloved. I have to stop being angry to see that. To love myself. To move on from the wreckage that created itself because I was too angry to care.
Letting go of the anger will be the single most difficult thing I will ever accomplish. It will be raw and painful, but in the end there will be only be me left. Beautiful, lovely, peaceful, soft, random, fluffy, flawed and funny...Me.
(Maybe not fluffy)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Heck if I know.
Where they heck am I and how do I find me and start again.
There is this picture of me I remember. I was probably 14. I am sunkissed and sunbleached blonde. I have this very calm serene look about me. I see strength and confidence and self- esteem. Jason is in the picture with me, but I'm not really aware of him, I'm staring ahead, strong.
I love this picture. I think I'm going to blow it up and put it on my wall at home. I want to see that picture everyday. I was healthy once. I was self confident and lovely. I had dreams and goals and I knew myself. I was in excellent physical condition and I knew I had power.
Although I will never be that girl again, I have lived a life that has taken that girl and changed her into a woman that is altered, but she is ME. THAT IS ME!
If she could trade places with me right now, there is no way anyone would treat her like I get treated. When HE insults me and hurts me it wouldn't even effect her. She knows she is more worthy of love than he is. She grew up with an amazing childhood with parents that loved her. She had a sibling that believed in her and never wavered. She never accepted defeat. I remember pushing harder and harder to win races, it was impossible to pin me in wrestling, I ran fast and had a natural ability at most sports. Grades were never my forte, I didn't really have an attention span for education. I wanted freedom and I wanted to run and laugh and think. I was always a great thinker. Perhaps that is why I would get into so much trouble, and what I mean by trouble, is skipping class to eat pizza at the lake or to sneak out of the house at night to sit in the park and hangout with my curfew free friends. I have never done drugs, I have never hurt anyone, and I was always aware of my boundaries. NO ONE talked me into anything I didn't want to do. Boys would want to experiment with me and I would punch them in the head. Mom got lots of calls to the school. I didn't have a problem with that. SHE was the good cop in our household.
I was fun to be around, not because I was crazy or wild, but because I was...crazy and wild. Ok I wasn't an angel but I did things in light fun, not to rebel or hurt anyone.
My dad and I had an amazing relationship then. He was PROUD of how I would knock a boy out for making passes at me, we would joke around and he would lecture me and my friends about rules and responsibilities. Sure, Dad and I would have our wars, neither of us would back down when we were mad at each other. Mom would constantly come between us and tell us to go to our own corners. I would slam my bedroom door and cry, dad would storm off downstairs and watch the news. Eventually we would both meet up and be sorry. We never said sorry, but it was assumed. We drove my mom crazy with our stubborn attitudes and inability to admit we were wrong. By the way, he was always wrong. Just kidding...I think I was wrong in 1980 so THAT time I admit I was wrong for sure, maybe a few times after that...probably not.
How do I become that girl again...ok well not a girl, but a woman version of her. Who would she be if she wasn't abused?
Heck if I know!!!!
I know this isn't a very deep blog but I swear I don't have a clue how to get to love myself again! It's inbred in me. I blame myself of my mistakes. I was smart and smart people don't screw up as much as I did. They don't get beat they don't lose themselves! Only idiots allow abuse. How did I let someone take me apart.
My brother said to me a million times, "Nell, why are you letting him do this to you? You could kick his butt, I have personally seen you drop guys bigger than him"
WHY DID I!!!!???
Hell if I know.
Why did I think I deserved this abuse? Because I got pregnant at 16 and disappointed my whole family? So the heck what? Did I give my son up for adoption? Did I starve him and neglect him? Did I leave him alone while I went partying? Did I put myself in front of his needs...ok sometimes I did, but did I continue to screw up? No. I tried to finish school. I actually understood how much my education meant to me and my life. I was 16 and after i found out I was pregnant I enrolled (by myself) for school, a teen parent school. That doesn't sound like a loser to me! I tried to do it, I really did. It got to be too much with my son being kicked out every other day because he caught something from the daycare. I saw the other teen moms with herpes, and partying with their kids sleeping on crusty sheets and living in a hovel. That wasn't me. I refused to screw up that bad. I could have screwed up a lot worse than I did.
I think because I was that girl in the picture I didn't. I was brave, I was smart and I was determined. Did I see that then? No. I felt I had to prove I wasn't a loser, I had to fix the mistake I made. Running away, embarrassing my parents, getting pregnant. I had to be more than I though I was. This was a 17 year old running an adult life. There is no way I was going to make ALL the right decisions. No way at all. I didn't have the maturity or the focus to "make up for" my mistake. I also had "HE" telling me how unimportant my life was now that I had our son. How HE had to finish his education so he could provide for our child and me. He did work hard, I will give him that, but he had the freedom TO work and finish and complete his childhood.
My parents were frustrated, exhausted and mad at me. I kept making mistakes, I kept screwing up, I kept...being a child...because you know what? I WAS A CHILD! I was a child with a child. I chose to keep my son, a choice I wouldn't change. I chose to quit childhood and try and grow up and be a responsible parent. YEAH RIGHT! You can't choose to grow up, your body and mind and soul grow at the same rate it doesn't matter what responsibility you put on it. They have proven your frontal lobe of your brain doesn't attach until your at least 21. The frontal lobe controls your impulses and seeing the consequences of your actions. As in, you finally learn at 21 that your choices have consequences. 21!!!! I had already made a billion bad choices before then!!!
With that child mind I believed if I married the guy who got me pregnant, no matter how flawed he was, everyone would think I was normal and forgive me. That is honestly what I thought every single day. I have to keep him, because he is my salvation.....he is my ticket out of being an embarrassment to my family and a failure to my life.
HOLY CRAP !!!! This is huge. This is huge!!!
So I accepted and took all sorts of abuse, to get my salvation. HOLY CRAP !!
And salvation came.
I married him.
I remember crying on my wedding day, I won. I won my salvation. Today everyone will forgive me and see I'm not a loser, I thought. Today I have redemption. Today they will love me again.
And it worked. I watched my wedding videos and heard my uncle who was recording it say "So proud of that girl" I replayed that part a hundred times. I also replayed me crying a hundred times. Everyone thought I was so captured by love that the emotion over took me, no, I was so excited to be forgiven that I cried because I wanted that love back.
To get there, to get to that day I had sacrificed...ME.
For what? For the love of people that didn't know me or my sacrifice? For acceptance? For redemption of sins I committed with other sinners that were forgiven for free?
Heck if I know.
There is this picture of me I remember. I was probably 14. I am sunkissed and sunbleached blonde. I have this very calm serene look about me. I see strength and confidence and self- esteem. Jason is in the picture with me, but I'm not really aware of him, I'm staring ahead, strong.
I love this picture. I think I'm going to blow it up and put it on my wall at home. I want to see that picture everyday. I was healthy once. I was self confident and lovely. I had dreams and goals and I knew myself. I was in excellent physical condition and I knew I had power.
Although I will never be that girl again, I have lived a life that has taken that girl and changed her into a woman that is altered, but she is ME. THAT IS ME!
If she could trade places with me right now, there is no way anyone would treat her like I get treated. When HE insults me and hurts me it wouldn't even effect her. She knows she is more worthy of love than he is. She grew up with an amazing childhood with parents that loved her. She had a sibling that believed in her and never wavered. She never accepted defeat. I remember pushing harder and harder to win races, it was impossible to pin me in wrestling, I ran fast and had a natural ability at most sports. Grades were never my forte, I didn't really have an attention span for education. I wanted freedom and I wanted to run and laugh and think. I was always a great thinker. Perhaps that is why I would get into so much trouble, and what I mean by trouble, is skipping class to eat pizza at the lake or to sneak out of the house at night to sit in the park and hangout with my curfew free friends. I have never done drugs, I have never hurt anyone, and I was always aware of my boundaries. NO ONE talked me into anything I didn't want to do. Boys would want to experiment with me and I would punch them in the head. Mom got lots of calls to the school. I didn't have a problem with that. SHE was the good cop in our household.
I was fun to be around, not because I was crazy or wild, but because I was...crazy and wild. Ok I wasn't an angel but I did things in light fun, not to rebel or hurt anyone.
My dad and I had an amazing relationship then. He was PROUD of how I would knock a boy out for making passes at me, we would joke around and he would lecture me and my friends about rules and responsibilities. Sure, Dad and I would have our wars, neither of us would back down when we were mad at each other. Mom would constantly come between us and tell us to go to our own corners. I would slam my bedroom door and cry, dad would storm off downstairs and watch the news. Eventually we would both meet up and be sorry. We never said sorry, but it was assumed. We drove my mom crazy with our stubborn attitudes and inability to admit we were wrong. By the way, he was always wrong. Just kidding...I think I was wrong in 1980 so THAT time I admit I was wrong for sure, maybe a few times after that...probably not.
How do I become that girl again...ok well not a girl, but a woman version of her. Who would she be if she wasn't abused?
Heck if I know!!!!
I know this isn't a very deep blog but I swear I don't have a clue how to get to love myself again! It's inbred in me. I blame myself of my mistakes. I was smart and smart people don't screw up as much as I did. They don't get beat they don't lose themselves! Only idiots allow abuse. How did I let someone take me apart.
My brother said to me a million times, "Nell, why are you letting him do this to you? You could kick his butt, I have personally seen you drop guys bigger than him"
WHY DID I!!!!???
Hell if I know.
Why did I think I deserved this abuse? Because I got pregnant at 16 and disappointed my whole family? So the heck what? Did I give my son up for adoption? Did I starve him and neglect him? Did I leave him alone while I went partying? Did I put myself in front of his needs...ok sometimes I did, but did I continue to screw up? No. I tried to finish school. I actually understood how much my education meant to me and my life. I was 16 and after i found out I was pregnant I enrolled (by myself) for school, a teen parent school. That doesn't sound like a loser to me! I tried to do it, I really did. It got to be too much with my son being kicked out every other day because he caught something from the daycare. I saw the other teen moms with herpes, and partying with their kids sleeping on crusty sheets and living in a hovel. That wasn't me. I refused to screw up that bad. I could have screwed up a lot worse than I did.
I think because I was that girl in the picture I didn't. I was brave, I was smart and I was determined. Did I see that then? No. I felt I had to prove I wasn't a loser, I had to fix the mistake I made. Running away, embarrassing my parents, getting pregnant. I had to be more than I though I was. This was a 17 year old running an adult life. There is no way I was going to make ALL the right decisions. No way at all. I didn't have the maturity or the focus to "make up for" my mistake. I also had "HE" telling me how unimportant my life was now that I had our son. How HE had to finish his education so he could provide for our child and me. He did work hard, I will give him that, but he had the freedom TO work and finish and complete his childhood.
My parents were frustrated, exhausted and mad at me. I kept making mistakes, I kept screwing up, I kept...being a child...because you know what? I WAS A CHILD! I was a child with a child. I chose to keep my son, a choice I wouldn't change. I chose to quit childhood and try and grow up and be a responsible parent. YEAH RIGHT! You can't choose to grow up, your body and mind and soul grow at the same rate it doesn't matter what responsibility you put on it. They have proven your frontal lobe of your brain doesn't attach until your at least 21. The frontal lobe controls your impulses and seeing the consequences of your actions. As in, you finally learn at 21 that your choices have consequences. 21!!!! I had already made a billion bad choices before then!!!
With that child mind I believed if I married the guy who got me pregnant, no matter how flawed he was, everyone would think I was normal and forgive me. That is honestly what I thought every single day. I have to keep him, because he is my salvation.....he is my ticket out of being an embarrassment to my family and a failure to my life.
HOLY CRAP !!!! This is huge. This is huge!!!
So I accepted and took all sorts of abuse, to get my salvation. HOLY CRAP !!
And salvation came.
I married him.
I remember crying on my wedding day, I won. I won my salvation. Today everyone will forgive me and see I'm not a loser, I thought. Today I have redemption. Today they will love me again.
And it worked. I watched my wedding videos and heard my uncle who was recording it say "So proud of that girl" I replayed that part a hundred times. I also replayed me crying a hundred times. Everyone thought I was so captured by love that the emotion over took me, no, I was so excited to be forgiven that I cried because I wanted that love back.
To get there, to get to that day I had sacrificed...ME.
For what? For the love of people that didn't know me or my sacrifice? For acceptance? For redemption of sins I committed with other sinners that were forgiven for free?
Heck if I know.
Monday, August 16, 2010
While finding Melanie, I found me.
November 24, 1976.
I finally know the day my sister left our family.
I just got back from the most amazing adventure of my life. I packed up, picked up my friend Wendy and found my sister.
During my ride to Lethbridge, Wendy and I had some great conversations. We always do. She kept asking how I was feeling and I kept telling her I was excited and happy.
My sister has been in that grave for 34 years.
Never a visit.
Not one member of her family could face the pain of letting her go. It was too painful, or we were too young to understand the impact her life had on our family. As one of my friends said "Melanie is where it all began, Raquel your going back to the beginning."
The Beginning.
Wendy and I arrived at Mountain View Cemetary in the early afternoon. The day was muggy and overcast, and I kinda felt the same way. How will I feel when I get there?
As what is typical of me, I forgot the plot number and lot number at home. So I informed Wendy it might be a day of looking for her.
" I don't give a crap if I have to look at every gravestone in this place, we are going to find your sister today." smiled Wendy.
"Thanks." I said.
"No, thank you. This is a magical moment for you, and I'm glad you asked me to be here."
This graveyard was huge. Beautiful...but huge. I didn't know where to start. I knew she was in Babyland, but where was that? I saw a map up ahead from the gates. I dropped Wendy at it and parked.
"They don't have Babyland marked on here." she said.
"Argh"
We both climbed into the van and started driving again. Soon, we passed some very tiny grave stones. "This must be it!" Wendy said. We got out of the van again and walked between the rows of little graves. It was really sad, all those little lives lost. The parents that had to say goodbye to something so precious, so sad.
We found a row of 1976 deaths, Melanie wasn't there. Hummm maybe she is out of order? Wendy was working up ahead from me, I think she was in the 60's.
"Where is she Wendy?" I called over to her.
"She isn't in this area, that's for sure."
"Wouldn't they mark the Babyland with a monument or something?" I said.
"Beats me, you would think"
I stopped walking and swatted at a bug.
"Hey Mom? Can you help me? I don't even know where to start. Just guide me there k?" I whispered.
Get back into the van,I felt.
"Hey Wendy, let's get back into the van. This isn't the right place."
We reached the van and climbed in.
I drove where my heart was telling me to, and found myself and Wendy in front of a huge monument for the unborn and babies.
"This is it!! It has to be." I said. "Mom told me she was in Babyland and near the road....I think. I can't remember but I think I remember her saying that."
We drove in and just a little ways in I wanted to stop. I didn't because Wendy couldn't see the years of the grave stones. So we wrapped around and headed towards the enterance again.
Suddenly I just stopped.
"I'm looking here." I got out. Wendy went up ahead and we were looking in different rows. Suddenly Wendy shouted out "Melanie Chantelle Smith!! We found her!!" I ran towards her excited and happy. Wendy and I jumped around and hugged.
I turned towards my sister.
I came up to her little grave stone and knelt down.
"Hello Melanie. Your big sister is here." I started to cry."Sorry it took so long."
As I stared at her little plot I thought about the day she was put here. In 1976 the beautiful tree that shades her grave was probably a little sapling. My family was all here, surrounding her grave and saying goodbye. My mom and dad probably holding each other. My aunts and uncles and family were surrounding them in love. Jason and I weren't there.
To choose to put your child in Babyland, you knowingly place them there knowing you will never be beside them. Only babies are here. My parents knew then, that they wouldn't be back.
34 years later, on a muggy summer day, her sister has arrived. I stood up and walked back to my van, in there I had 4 flowers, one representing each member of her family.
A lily. Beautiful delicate and elegant like my mom. I placed it on her grave and said " This was mom, she was beautiful and lovely like this flower, she was delicate like this flower too, she couldn't come back here, her heart was too sad. I guess she is with you now, let her mother you she is good at it."
An Iris. "This flower is like dad, it can withstand a snow storm and remain tall and strong. It is beautiful holds strong in any garden. You would have loved Dad. He is funny and loveable. I think you would have been his favorite, he held you alot when you where here. He was the one who would expand your lungs so you could breathe and it hurt you, and it hurt him. He held you lots to comfort your pain, to show you love. Losing you after fighting so hard to keep you, changed him. Visiting you was too hard. He loves you still. He calls me every year to remind me of your birthday. He would have driven you crazy too...just sayin.
Green spazy flower. Jason. "No idea what this flower is but its crazy and fun and funny, like Jason. He was the best brother a girl could have asked for. Thinking of him as a big brother is weird, but I am sure he would have flown kites with you, played with you and made you laugh. His speciality. I'm sure you're together now and he is loving you, I envy you. He is irreplaceable.
Gerber Daisy. Me. Well its a pretty flower and bright and it looks like a single flower but its actually made up of many to form one. That is pretty much me. I would have probably played with you and made you and Jason join in all my schemes. We would have been grounded together, spanked together and in our rooms together. I would have been a master at sign language because communicating with you would have been important to me.
I stood up and signed I love you against my chest.
"Melanie this is Wendy. She was born on month to the day after you. Looking at her I see what you would have been like as a woman, at 34. It blows my mind to see what it would have been like to know you as a grown up. I wish I could have seen you like this. Wendy is a great sister to me. I feel like you sent her to me, knowing I needed one. I have more sisters to bring, so I will be back."
I will be back. To this place with the beautiful tree and the rolling hills. Peaceful.
Wendy and I got back into the van. We drove back in silence. She asked how I was feeling and I wasn't sure yet.
We got back to our room and ripped off the yucky top comforter and laid in our beds.
"What are you feeling right now Raq?" Wendy asked softly.
"I..." I hesitated.
"Say it Raquel. Just talk with your heart"
" I wish I wasn't the only surviving child." I sobbed. "I'm not good enough. Look at what I am? I'm nothing. I haven't done anything amazing, I have screwed up my entire life. I shouldn't be the only one. My parents deserved something better to be their legacy. Anything would have been better than me!!" Tears rolled down the side of my face and wet the pillow under my head.
Wendy sat up. She looked shocked to hear that from me.
"Are you not reselient, loving and kind like your mom? Are you not strong, smart and funny like your dad? Do you think that you would have survived this life of yours if you weren't the very best of your parents Raquel? How can someone, that has survived what you have survived, how can someone that has done this all alone, say they are nothing? How can you say that Raquel? How?"
"I just do Wen, I don't see the good in me. I don't see that I am something special. I only see the destruction. The destruction I caused, for me, for my children, for my family. That is all I am, destruction."
I sat up to blow my nose. I couldn't breathe. I was completly over come with my self hatred.
Wendy and I both laid down on the beds again.
"Your more than you think, Raquel. You aren't the only one to blame here. When you were free falling, where were your parents?"
"They lost a son!!" I cried "They couldn't deal with me and my shit."
"They HAD a daughter too." she said quietly.
"Yeah, me, worthless, nothing me. I would ignore me too!!" I said.
The stillness of the room was deafening.
Wendy sat up again. "Raquel I have known you for 10 years and you are my best friend, but I have never seen you, REALLY seen you until today, raw, sad and alone. I never understood the alone. I see the alone now. You were truely alone." Her eyes were shining with tears.
"Yeah...I was. Not anymore though." I whispered sitting up and taking Wendy's hands.
"Not anymore." Wendy repeated.
I finally know the day my sister left our family.
I just got back from the most amazing adventure of my life. I packed up, picked up my friend Wendy and found my sister.
During my ride to Lethbridge, Wendy and I had some great conversations. We always do. She kept asking how I was feeling and I kept telling her I was excited and happy.
My sister has been in that grave for 34 years.
Never a visit.
Not one member of her family could face the pain of letting her go. It was too painful, or we were too young to understand the impact her life had on our family. As one of my friends said "Melanie is where it all began, Raquel your going back to the beginning."
The Beginning.
Wendy and I arrived at Mountain View Cemetary in the early afternoon. The day was muggy and overcast, and I kinda felt the same way. How will I feel when I get there?
As what is typical of me, I forgot the plot number and lot number at home. So I informed Wendy it might be a day of looking for her.
" I don't give a crap if I have to look at every gravestone in this place, we are going to find your sister today." smiled Wendy.
"Thanks." I said.
"No, thank you. This is a magical moment for you, and I'm glad you asked me to be here."
This graveyard was huge. Beautiful...but huge. I didn't know where to start. I knew she was in Babyland, but where was that? I saw a map up ahead from the gates. I dropped Wendy at it and parked.
"They don't have Babyland marked on here." she said.
"Argh"
We both climbed into the van and started driving again. Soon, we passed some very tiny grave stones. "This must be it!" Wendy said. We got out of the van again and walked between the rows of little graves. It was really sad, all those little lives lost. The parents that had to say goodbye to something so precious, so sad.
We found a row of 1976 deaths, Melanie wasn't there. Hummm maybe she is out of order? Wendy was working up ahead from me, I think she was in the 60's.
"Where is she Wendy?" I called over to her.
"She isn't in this area, that's for sure."
"Wouldn't they mark the Babyland with a monument or something?" I said.
"Beats me, you would think"
I stopped walking and swatted at a bug.
"Hey Mom? Can you help me? I don't even know where to start. Just guide me there k?" I whispered.
Get back into the van,I felt.
"Hey Wendy, let's get back into the van. This isn't the right place."
We reached the van and climbed in.
I drove where my heart was telling me to, and found myself and Wendy in front of a huge monument for the unborn and babies.
"This is it!! It has to be." I said. "Mom told me she was in Babyland and near the road....I think. I can't remember but I think I remember her saying that."
We drove in and just a little ways in I wanted to stop. I didn't because Wendy couldn't see the years of the grave stones. So we wrapped around and headed towards the enterance again.
Suddenly I just stopped.
"I'm looking here." I got out. Wendy went up ahead and we were looking in different rows. Suddenly Wendy shouted out "Melanie Chantelle Smith!! We found her!!" I ran towards her excited and happy. Wendy and I jumped around and hugged.
I turned towards my sister.
I came up to her little grave stone and knelt down.
"Hello Melanie. Your big sister is here." I started to cry."Sorry it took so long."
As I stared at her little plot I thought about the day she was put here. In 1976 the beautiful tree that shades her grave was probably a little sapling. My family was all here, surrounding her grave and saying goodbye. My mom and dad probably holding each other. My aunts and uncles and family were surrounding them in love. Jason and I weren't there.
To choose to put your child in Babyland, you knowingly place them there knowing you will never be beside them. Only babies are here. My parents knew then, that they wouldn't be back.
34 years later, on a muggy summer day, her sister has arrived. I stood up and walked back to my van, in there I had 4 flowers, one representing each member of her family.
A lily. Beautiful delicate and elegant like my mom. I placed it on her grave and said " This was mom, she was beautiful and lovely like this flower, she was delicate like this flower too, she couldn't come back here, her heart was too sad. I guess she is with you now, let her mother you she is good at it."
An Iris. "This flower is like dad, it can withstand a snow storm and remain tall and strong. It is beautiful holds strong in any garden. You would have loved Dad. He is funny and loveable. I think you would have been his favorite, he held you alot when you where here. He was the one who would expand your lungs so you could breathe and it hurt you, and it hurt him. He held you lots to comfort your pain, to show you love. Losing you after fighting so hard to keep you, changed him. Visiting you was too hard. He loves you still. He calls me every year to remind me of your birthday. He would have driven you crazy too...just sayin.
Green spazy flower. Jason. "No idea what this flower is but its crazy and fun and funny, like Jason. He was the best brother a girl could have asked for. Thinking of him as a big brother is weird, but I am sure he would have flown kites with you, played with you and made you laugh. His speciality. I'm sure you're together now and he is loving you, I envy you. He is irreplaceable.
Gerber Daisy. Me. Well its a pretty flower and bright and it looks like a single flower but its actually made up of many to form one. That is pretty much me. I would have probably played with you and made you and Jason join in all my schemes. We would have been grounded together, spanked together and in our rooms together. I would have been a master at sign language because communicating with you would have been important to me.
I stood up and signed I love you against my chest.
"Melanie this is Wendy. She was born on month to the day after you. Looking at her I see what you would have been like as a woman, at 34. It blows my mind to see what it would have been like to know you as a grown up. I wish I could have seen you like this. Wendy is a great sister to me. I feel like you sent her to me, knowing I needed one. I have more sisters to bring, so I will be back."
I will be back. To this place with the beautiful tree and the rolling hills. Peaceful.
Wendy and I got back into the van. We drove back in silence. She asked how I was feeling and I wasn't sure yet.
We got back to our room and ripped off the yucky top comforter and laid in our beds.
"What are you feeling right now Raq?" Wendy asked softly.
"I..." I hesitated.
"Say it Raquel. Just talk with your heart"
" I wish I wasn't the only surviving child." I sobbed. "I'm not good enough. Look at what I am? I'm nothing. I haven't done anything amazing, I have screwed up my entire life. I shouldn't be the only one. My parents deserved something better to be their legacy. Anything would have been better than me!!" Tears rolled down the side of my face and wet the pillow under my head.
Wendy sat up. She looked shocked to hear that from me.
"Are you not reselient, loving and kind like your mom? Are you not strong, smart and funny like your dad? Do you think that you would have survived this life of yours if you weren't the very best of your parents Raquel? How can someone, that has survived what you have survived, how can someone that has done this all alone, say they are nothing? How can you say that Raquel? How?"
"I just do Wen, I don't see the good in me. I don't see that I am something special. I only see the destruction. The destruction I caused, for me, for my children, for my family. That is all I am, destruction."
I sat up to blow my nose. I couldn't breathe. I was completly over come with my self hatred.
Wendy and I both laid down on the beds again.
"Your more than you think, Raquel. You aren't the only one to blame here. When you were free falling, where were your parents?"
"They lost a son!!" I cried "They couldn't deal with me and my shit."
"They HAD a daughter too." she said quietly.
"Yeah, me, worthless, nothing me. I would ignore me too!!" I said.
The stillness of the room was deafening.
Wendy sat up again. "Raquel I have known you for 10 years and you are my best friend, but I have never seen you, REALLY seen you until today, raw, sad and alone. I never understood the alone. I see the alone now. You were truely alone." Her eyes were shining with tears.
"Yeah...I was. Not anymore though." I whispered sitting up and taking Wendy's hands.
"Not anymore." Wendy repeated.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Join the Club
One-half of all Canadian women have experienced at least one incident of violence since the age of 16
Almost one-half of women reported violence by men known to them and one-quarter reported violence by a stranger
One-quarter of all women have experienced violence at the hands of their current or past marital partner (includes common-law unions)
One-in-six currently married women reported violence by their spouses; one-half of women with previous marriages reported violence by a previous spouse
More than one-in-ten women who reported violence in a current marriage have at some point felt their lives were in danger
I am ALL of these statistics.
This is something that I have been quiet about for a long time. I was ashamed that someone like me, strong, smart, athletic and blessed, could be the victim of domestic violence. I have learned a lot about it since leaving my violent marriage, these women don't stay because they are weak, they stay because they believe that they don't deserve more than what they have.
Over the years I was with HIM, I gave up more and more of myself. I quit school, because it was too hard with a child (16) I remember calling HIM to come to my school to come get Trevor because he was sick again and couldn't go to daycare. He always told me how much more important his education was compared to mine. "Your only in grade 10, I'm in grade 12 and can't miss school." he would say and hang up on me. I would beg, because I would be missing an important exam or test and he wouldn't care. I eventually barely passed a couple of my subjects and bombed the others. My parents, who already thought I was a loser being a teen parent, were disappointed but not suprized, after all, Raquel is reckless, unaccountable, and selfish. I didn't want them to hate HIM. It was hard enough having them not trust me and ashamed of me, I couldn't let them hate him too. So when they inquired about why I missed so many classes, I would tell them I skipped because I was tired, or that Trevor was sick and I had to go home. They would lecture me about being irresponsible and point out that I CHOSE to keep this child and I CHOSE the hard road. I sure did. But I didn't make this decision alone, yet I was the only one expected to live with the consequences.
Grade 12 graduation quickly approached for HIM. I was excited because then he could maybe help more and I would finish my school. My school was also getting ready for graduation. I had some great friends that were graduation that year and I was asked to go with a really great friend. I asked HIM and he didn't have a problem with it, or so I thought. I went to the graduation with all my friends, I was having a great time and mentioned I couldn't wait for HIS graduation because I was going to buy a really pretty dress. One of the friends at the table, who was a great friend of HIM said "He isn't taking you, he has already asked another girl to his grad"
"HE wouldn't!!" I cried. "You must have misunderstood, HE would never do that!"
"Ok" said the friend "But I know he asked her because I was there"
The whole world spun around, I stumbled up from my dinner table, and rushed to a phone.
He wasn't answering. I called again and again and again. The cold truth was icing my heart. No please don't let this be happening.
Somehow I got home. I got undressed and went to bed. Tomorrow he will explain the mistake. Tomorrow he will make it all better.
The next morning, from my homeroom class I called him. He answered.
"Hey, where were you last night??" I asked, scared for the answer.
"Out." he said
"Where?"
"None of your business." he sneered
"What do you mean it's none of my business?" I said, starting to get choked up.
"You heard me, NONE OF YOUR F_cking business."
"Just answer me this, then, are you taking someone else to your grad?" My mind was racing, please say no, please say no.
"Yep." he said smugly.
"WHAT!!!? How can you do that? I am the mother of your child, my parents paid for you to get there, I am your girlfriend!!"
"I guess you should have thought about that before you went out with (NAME OF GRAD DATE HERE)"
"He is my friend, I asked you and you said fine!" I cried.
"Yeah you knew I was pissed, and yet you still did it!!" He yelled.
"NO I honestly didn't think you would mind. He is my friend, he didn't have a date, I explained that to you. You said fine!!" I sobbed. By now the room was silent and listening to my conversation. HIS friend that told me that night was snickering across the room.
"Well then your f--king stupid, I have to go"
"Noooo noooo please, come here pick me up so we can talk about this...please...I beg please!!!"
"Fine. Be in front of the school in half an hour"
"Ok" I said, and shakily hung up the phone.
Half an hour later, he picked me up. We drove to a park not too far from the school. I couldn't 't go to far with Trevor in the daycare at school.
HE pulled over. "Well what do you have to say?" he said.
"You can't do this!! We chose to be a family we..."
HE freaked out. "WE DECIDED TO BE A FAMILY HUH? THEN WHY ARE YOU A WHORE AND GOING OUT WITH OTHER MEN??!"
" I asked you if I could...I thought you understood he was my friend!!! I thought you understood!!" I cried and reached out to grab him to make him understand, and then BANG. I got hit across the side of my face, with a fist. I reeled back, not sure what happened. I slumped against the passenger door and laid there dazed.
"Holy shit, you freaking hit me!!" I shouted.
"Shut the f_ck up!" he snarled. I sat up and was ready to fight.
"No man hits me like that you piece of crap" I grabbed his hair and yanked with everything I had. He punched me again, and again and again and I let go of this hair and shielded my head from the continuous blows. Soon I couldn't hear, my skull was screaming and I couldn't think.
Silence.
I was sobbing, huddled against the passenger door. Dizzy, scared and tired. My head was swimming. FIGHT!! FIGHT FIGHT my mind was telling me, he will kill you if you don't fight. With whatever I had left in me I sat up and looked over at HIM. His eyes where wild, he looked ready to strike again. I wanted him to strike again, I wanted him to kill me, I wanted to die that day. No one gives a shit about me anymore. I'm a loser, not worth anything. No one loves me anymore. So I sat up straighter and said something to provoke him.
"I dare you to go to that grad with that whore, because I will make sure to be there and attack her and make her into a bloody pulp, you forget I know where everything is happening. You forget I know how to kick some ass, you forget who I was before all this. I know how to fight, and I will make her mincemeat."
I closed my eyes, wanting the end to come, and it did. I was beaten black, my back my sides, my face my head my throat from him strangling me, bite marks all over my body from his frustrated bites. I was hammered on for at least an hour. I must have blacked out for a while, because when I opened my eyes I was in the back seat. The pain was unreal, I couldn't hear from my right ear. I was dizzy and sick, I wanted to throw up. And I was covered in my own urine. I tried to open my eyes, but they were already swelling shut.
I moaned from the intense pain from my ribcage as I tried to sit up. Where was he? I turned my face to look at the front seat, he was there, panting from the excursion of beating me. His eyes were still wild. They met mine in the rearview mirror.
"I f_cking hate you! " He yelled. " Look what you have done??!!"
"You have to take me to the hospital. I think I've got some cracked ribs" I moaned. "Please ...please take me to the hospital?" I cried through swollen lips.
"I can't freaking take you to the hospital! They will call the cops and have me arrested. They have to by law, report a suspected domestic! You f_cking knew that you .." he starts hitting me again, I reach out to stop him but grabbing his face. I dug my nails in to make him stop. He bites me on the arm again. I fall back in the back seat and he reaches over and grabs my hair and pulls me up front. I don't remember how many more blows I took, it was a lot.
I think I blacked out again. We where driving. I woke up and started crying. "Where are you taking me? Please don't hurt me anymore, please just drop me off at the hospital, I'll lie, I'll tell everyone I got into an accident, please just drop me off!!!" I screamed.
He kept driving, didn't even look at me. HE was fuming and I was scared he was taking me some where to kill me. "Please don't do this, please just drop me off, I will cover for you, I have before. Please drop me off."
" I AM YOU F-CKING B_TCH. I will never be a cop thanks to you, thanks to you my whole life is ruined." He yelled.
He hit me a few more times while driving. I didn't feel them. I couldn't feel anymore.
We got to the hospital. He stopped the engine. We sat in the parking lot. "GO" He said "Go f_ck up my life"
I can't do this, my mind screamed. Your the one not worth anything, HE has a chance, he will become something, if you don't tell, if you just cover for him. if you save him.
"G, just take me back to the school, I will pick up Trevor and go home. I will make something up to my mom. I will just cover this." I saw the darkness coming, I knew I was going to pass out. I croaked out one more thing before I did "Just let me fix this"
I woke up on the busy road heading towards my school. I was so scared. I had no idea if he was going to let me go or not. I tried for the door to fall out of the car, he saw what I was doing and pulled me by the hair and hit me on the back of the head. "Use your head!!" He yelled. "Your not jumping out of this car" We drove some more in silence. I passed out again.
Woke up in the parking lot of the 7-11 near my school. I tried the door and it opened. There were lots of people every where so HE let me go. I stumbled my way all the way to the school. I got inside and limped down the hall. I saw the darkness come over me, "Please don't pass out yet, you have to get to safety, please just a little further." I passed out in the middle of the main hallway of our school.
I woke up surrounded by students and the principal of the school. "Raquel? Raquel? Wake up!" I looked around. I was safe!! I was safe.
I was ushered to the office, where I was given ice for my face and arm that was full of bruises. My head was spinning. I threw up. The police were called. I gave a statement. A friend was called to come get me. I was too ashamed to call my mom or dad. More crap for them to be disappointed with. I was taken home first. My mom got really upset, "Why would he do this? Why Raquel?" I didn't have an answer. I wasn't sure what happened.
My friend took me to the hospital, I had a concussion and bruised ribs and multiple bite marks. Pictures where taken and processing was done. I was sent home with instructions on how to take care of my wounds. I got home, my dad was home at this time. He met me at the door, and he said "Are you a masochist? You like this kind of attention? This is what you want?"
"No" I croaked. I just wanted to lay down, I needed to sleep, I won't tell my mom I have a concussion so I can fall asleep forever.
My friend spoke up. "She has a concussion, she needs to be woken up throughout the night"
Traitor !!I thought.
I went to my room, I think my parents were saying things. My mom took some more pictures of my body, of all the bruises, the bites. I got into my pjs and laid my head down and fell asleep.
Over the next months I wasn't allowed contact with HIM. He was told to stay away from me. He didn't call even for Trevor, he didn't have any communication at all. Eventually, just before court we got back together. I asked the prosecutor to drop the charges. He can't drop domestic abuse charges but he pleaded down from Assault causing bodily harm to common assault and HE got one year probation. He asked the court to lock the records eventually when he turned 18 so he would have a chance to become a cop someday. The few cops that were in the court room rolled tier eyes and chuckled. There was no way he would pass the lie detector to make it as a city cop. They new that. HE knew that.
From that day on, I made it a point to present HIM as the best possible person to everyone. I berated myself when we made mistakes so no one would think poorly of him. I gave up going to school, so he could work and finish his electrical school. My parents believed in him, in this great person I built him up to be, and they helped him get through school. Shortly after we got back together, the abuse started again, when he found out I was pregnant again. The abuse continued throughout the pregnancy. I hid it all. The abuse. The pregnancy. Everything. In the back of my head, if I just pretended it wasn't happening, then maybe it would all go away.
It never did.
It still continues today, through our children, he still gets to me.
He will always have me.
I hope, by sharing this, he loses some of the power he has over me. The secret we have between us, isn't a secret anymore.
I won't be afraid of him now. His power is my weakness. If I believe I am worthless and a loser, then he will always rein over me. Today I take that back. My power, myself.
Like my cousin Michelle pointed out to me, maybe HE is the President and others are the co-chair people and share holders of the Raquel Hate Club, but...I.... I ... am the founder.
Starting today, and for everyday after this. I will learn to love me, and start a new club.
I will start a club that loves me, and I will be President, CEO and Soul share holder.
Where to start?
Yikes.
The above mentioned events is the honest, personal account of the writer. Any parties involved have had names removed to protect their identitys.
:)
Almost one-half of women reported violence by men known to them and one-quarter reported violence by a stranger
One-quarter of all women have experienced violence at the hands of their current or past marital partner (includes common-law unions)
One-in-six currently married women reported violence by their spouses; one-half of women with previous marriages reported violence by a previous spouse
More than one-in-ten women who reported violence in a current marriage have at some point felt their lives were in danger
I am ALL of these statistics.
This is something that I have been quiet about for a long time. I was ashamed that someone like me, strong, smart, athletic and blessed, could be the victim of domestic violence. I have learned a lot about it since leaving my violent marriage, these women don't stay because they are weak, they stay because they believe that they don't deserve more than what they have.
Over the years I was with HIM, I gave up more and more of myself. I quit school, because it was too hard with a child (16) I remember calling HIM to come to my school to come get Trevor because he was sick again and couldn't go to daycare. He always told me how much more important his education was compared to mine. "Your only in grade 10, I'm in grade 12 and can't miss school." he would say and hang up on me. I would beg, because I would be missing an important exam or test and he wouldn't care. I eventually barely passed a couple of my subjects and bombed the others. My parents, who already thought I was a loser being a teen parent, were disappointed but not suprized, after all, Raquel is reckless, unaccountable, and selfish. I didn't want them to hate HIM. It was hard enough having them not trust me and ashamed of me, I couldn't let them hate him too. So when they inquired about why I missed so many classes, I would tell them I skipped because I was tired, or that Trevor was sick and I had to go home. They would lecture me about being irresponsible and point out that I CHOSE to keep this child and I CHOSE the hard road. I sure did. But I didn't make this decision alone, yet I was the only one expected to live with the consequences.
Grade 12 graduation quickly approached for HIM. I was excited because then he could maybe help more and I would finish my school. My school was also getting ready for graduation. I had some great friends that were graduation that year and I was asked to go with a really great friend. I asked HIM and he didn't have a problem with it, or so I thought. I went to the graduation with all my friends, I was having a great time and mentioned I couldn't wait for HIS graduation because I was going to buy a really pretty dress. One of the friends at the table, who was a great friend of HIM said "He isn't taking you, he has already asked another girl to his grad"
"HE wouldn't!!" I cried. "You must have misunderstood, HE would never do that!"
"Ok" said the friend "But I know he asked her because I was there"
The whole world spun around, I stumbled up from my dinner table, and rushed to a phone.
He wasn't answering. I called again and again and again. The cold truth was icing my heart. No please don't let this be happening.
Somehow I got home. I got undressed and went to bed. Tomorrow he will explain the mistake. Tomorrow he will make it all better.
The next morning, from my homeroom class I called him. He answered.
"Hey, where were you last night??" I asked, scared for the answer.
"Out." he said
"Where?"
"None of your business." he sneered
"What do you mean it's none of my business?" I said, starting to get choked up.
"You heard me, NONE OF YOUR F_cking business."
"Just answer me this, then, are you taking someone else to your grad?" My mind was racing, please say no, please say no.
"Yep." he said smugly.
"WHAT!!!? How can you do that? I am the mother of your child, my parents paid for you to get there, I am your girlfriend!!"
"I guess you should have thought about that before you went out with (NAME OF GRAD DATE HERE)"
"He is my friend, I asked you and you said fine!" I cried.
"Yeah you knew I was pissed, and yet you still did it!!" He yelled.
"NO I honestly didn't think you would mind. He is my friend, he didn't have a date, I explained that to you. You said fine!!" I sobbed. By now the room was silent and listening to my conversation. HIS friend that told me that night was snickering across the room.
"Well then your f--king stupid, I have to go"
"Noooo noooo please, come here pick me up so we can talk about this...please...I beg please!!!"
"Fine. Be in front of the school in half an hour"
"Ok" I said, and shakily hung up the phone.
Half an hour later, he picked me up. We drove to a park not too far from the school. I couldn't 't go to far with Trevor in the daycare at school.
HE pulled over. "Well what do you have to say?" he said.
"You can't do this!! We chose to be a family we..."
HE freaked out. "WE DECIDED TO BE A FAMILY HUH? THEN WHY ARE YOU A WHORE AND GOING OUT WITH OTHER MEN??!"
" I asked you if I could...I thought you understood he was my friend!!! I thought you understood!!" I cried and reached out to grab him to make him understand, and then BANG. I got hit across the side of my face, with a fist. I reeled back, not sure what happened. I slumped against the passenger door and laid there dazed.
"Holy shit, you freaking hit me!!" I shouted.
"Shut the f_ck up!" he snarled. I sat up and was ready to fight.
"No man hits me like that you piece of crap" I grabbed his hair and yanked with everything I had. He punched me again, and again and again and I let go of this hair and shielded my head from the continuous blows. Soon I couldn't hear, my skull was screaming and I couldn't think.
Silence.
I was sobbing, huddled against the passenger door. Dizzy, scared and tired. My head was swimming. FIGHT!! FIGHT FIGHT my mind was telling me, he will kill you if you don't fight. With whatever I had left in me I sat up and looked over at HIM. His eyes where wild, he looked ready to strike again. I wanted him to strike again, I wanted him to kill me, I wanted to die that day. No one gives a shit about me anymore. I'm a loser, not worth anything. No one loves me anymore. So I sat up straighter and said something to provoke him.
"I dare you to go to that grad with that whore, because I will make sure to be there and attack her and make her into a bloody pulp, you forget I know where everything is happening. You forget I know how to kick some ass, you forget who I was before all this. I know how to fight, and I will make her mincemeat."
I closed my eyes, wanting the end to come, and it did. I was beaten black, my back my sides, my face my head my throat from him strangling me, bite marks all over my body from his frustrated bites. I was hammered on for at least an hour. I must have blacked out for a while, because when I opened my eyes I was in the back seat. The pain was unreal, I couldn't hear from my right ear. I was dizzy and sick, I wanted to throw up. And I was covered in my own urine. I tried to open my eyes, but they were already swelling shut.
I moaned from the intense pain from my ribcage as I tried to sit up. Where was he? I turned my face to look at the front seat, he was there, panting from the excursion of beating me. His eyes were still wild. They met mine in the rearview mirror.
"I f_cking hate you! " He yelled. " Look what you have done??!!"
"You have to take me to the hospital. I think I've got some cracked ribs" I moaned. "Please ...please take me to the hospital?" I cried through swollen lips.
"I can't freaking take you to the hospital! They will call the cops and have me arrested. They have to by law, report a suspected domestic! You f_cking knew that you .." he starts hitting me again, I reach out to stop him but grabbing his face. I dug my nails in to make him stop. He bites me on the arm again. I fall back in the back seat and he reaches over and grabs my hair and pulls me up front. I don't remember how many more blows I took, it was a lot.
I think I blacked out again. We where driving. I woke up and started crying. "Where are you taking me? Please don't hurt me anymore, please just drop me off at the hospital, I'll lie, I'll tell everyone I got into an accident, please just drop me off!!!" I screamed.
He kept driving, didn't even look at me. HE was fuming and I was scared he was taking me some where to kill me. "Please don't do this, please just drop me off, I will cover for you, I have before. Please drop me off."
" I AM YOU F-CKING B_TCH. I will never be a cop thanks to you, thanks to you my whole life is ruined." He yelled.
He hit me a few more times while driving. I didn't feel them. I couldn't feel anymore.
We got to the hospital. He stopped the engine. We sat in the parking lot. "GO" He said "Go f_ck up my life"
I can't do this, my mind screamed. Your the one not worth anything, HE has a chance, he will become something, if you don't tell, if you just cover for him. if you save him.
"G, just take me back to the school, I will pick up Trevor and go home. I will make something up to my mom. I will just cover this." I saw the darkness coming, I knew I was going to pass out. I croaked out one more thing before I did "Just let me fix this"
I woke up on the busy road heading towards my school. I was so scared. I had no idea if he was going to let me go or not. I tried for the door to fall out of the car, he saw what I was doing and pulled me by the hair and hit me on the back of the head. "Use your head!!" He yelled. "Your not jumping out of this car" We drove some more in silence. I passed out again.
Woke up in the parking lot of the 7-11 near my school. I tried the door and it opened. There were lots of people every where so HE let me go. I stumbled my way all the way to the school. I got inside and limped down the hall. I saw the darkness come over me, "Please don't pass out yet, you have to get to safety, please just a little further." I passed out in the middle of the main hallway of our school.
I woke up surrounded by students and the principal of the school. "Raquel? Raquel? Wake up!" I looked around. I was safe!! I was safe.
I was ushered to the office, where I was given ice for my face and arm that was full of bruises. My head was spinning. I threw up. The police were called. I gave a statement. A friend was called to come get me. I was too ashamed to call my mom or dad. More crap for them to be disappointed with. I was taken home first. My mom got really upset, "Why would he do this? Why Raquel?" I didn't have an answer. I wasn't sure what happened.
My friend took me to the hospital, I had a concussion and bruised ribs and multiple bite marks. Pictures where taken and processing was done. I was sent home with instructions on how to take care of my wounds. I got home, my dad was home at this time. He met me at the door, and he said "Are you a masochist? You like this kind of attention? This is what you want?"
"No" I croaked. I just wanted to lay down, I needed to sleep, I won't tell my mom I have a concussion so I can fall asleep forever.
My friend spoke up. "She has a concussion, she needs to be woken up throughout the night"
Traitor !!I thought.
I went to my room, I think my parents were saying things. My mom took some more pictures of my body, of all the bruises, the bites. I got into my pjs and laid my head down and fell asleep.
Over the next months I wasn't allowed contact with HIM. He was told to stay away from me. He didn't call even for Trevor, he didn't have any communication at all. Eventually, just before court we got back together. I asked the prosecutor to drop the charges. He can't drop domestic abuse charges but he pleaded down from Assault causing bodily harm to common assault and HE got one year probation. He asked the court to lock the records eventually when he turned 18 so he would have a chance to become a cop someday. The few cops that were in the court room rolled tier eyes and chuckled. There was no way he would pass the lie detector to make it as a city cop. They new that. HE knew that.
From that day on, I made it a point to present HIM as the best possible person to everyone. I berated myself when we made mistakes so no one would think poorly of him. I gave up going to school, so he could work and finish his electrical school. My parents believed in him, in this great person I built him up to be, and they helped him get through school. Shortly after we got back together, the abuse started again, when he found out I was pregnant again. The abuse continued throughout the pregnancy. I hid it all. The abuse. The pregnancy. Everything. In the back of my head, if I just pretended it wasn't happening, then maybe it would all go away.
It never did.
It still continues today, through our children, he still gets to me.
He will always have me.
I hope, by sharing this, he loses some of the power he has over me. The secret we have between us, isn't a secret anymore.
I won't be afraid of him now. His power is my weakness. If I believe I am worthless and a loser, then he will always rein over me. Today I take that back. My power, myself.
Like my cousin Michelle pointed out to me, maybe HE is the President and others are the co-chair people and share holders of the Raquel Hate Club, but...I.... I ... am the founder.
Starting today, and for everyday after this. I will learn to love me, and start a new club.
I will start a club that loves me, and I will be President, CEO and Soul share holder.
Where to start?
Yikes.
The above mentioned events is the honest, personal account of the writer. Any parties involved have had names removed to protect their identitys.
:)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
TIME OUT!!
I have been on a lot of sports teams, when the team is just sucking the coach calls a time out and the team gathers around and the coach yells at them to get in the game.
I want a time out. I want to gather my team, who is struggling, and get some motivation from each other and start playin well again.
I would also like a pentalty box. When someone breaks a rule they get 2 minutes for roughing, lying, crying, cheating, stealing, being mean, ect.
Oh yeah!! You just lipped your mom off, two minutes for lipping. In the box. Back talk...two more minutes in the box.
I also need a guru. Some smart man on a mountain ( laundry mountain, in my house) who I can go to and get some advice on all the crap that isn't in the manuals that come with children, friends, parents, in-laws, spouses, neighbours and yourself.
Hey Guru, how do you take a doll head out of a toilet to unclog it? How do you tell your friends you actually hate when they comment on my messy house? How do you tell people they are insensitive assholes, without saying they are insensitive assholes? How do you control a wild teenager? How do you get nail polish out of hair? Do you HAVE to be nice to your elders? How do you motivate people to just give a crap about cooking, cleaning and taking care of what they have? Come on Guru!! HELP ME!!!!
I think the Guru would quit in a week. No notice.
Guru aren't dependable like that.
I feel like I am expected to be everything. I know that all moms feel this way but damn it, that isn't right!!!
Raising a family is a group effort. Everyone should be helping each other. We are all, over worked, under appreciated and not living well.
I CALL A TIME OUT!!!!!
*crickets creaking*
Ok team gather around.
Listen to me, there has to be a better way. Can we work together and make a better play? Just ask for help if you can't make the play by yourself. Call it. BE honest and ask. Worst thing that can happen is a no. But maybe someone else can suggest another plan. Look, I am crazy busy, but if I can have a break at a later date I can take on more for now.
For instance: Drop your kids off at my place, quite honestly I probably won't notice. Call me when you have a shortage of milk or sugar or if you need helping icing a cake ( um actually I am horrible at crafting I would choose someone else) But if you need someone to sound off to about a horrible ex or if you need a speech written...I'm your girl. Ask and ye shall recieve. Lonely? Call. Sad. Call. Happy. Call. Needing a break....CALL!!
We all think it's a weakness to ask for help, I think its a strength. To know your limits and ask for help. The weakness is NOT helping. Scared to put yourself out there to help is unacceptible. GET IN THE GAME!
If I can step outside my wild life so can everyone else. You think you can't but you can. The greatest thing is when you start giving, the recieving comes with it, hand in hand.
I am saying this right now, I need some heros right now. My life is kinda topsy turvy and I could use someone to step in and pick something to help me with, one of your talents to use to get me to a place where I can manage again.
I need someone to help me. Even if it is to straighten out my head and to re-process my priorities. I think ALL of us need help in some way.
So I am calling a TIME OUT and we are all having a meeting at my place and getting in the game.
Message me on facebook if you would like to join.
Wine, pop, juice, snacks and a lot of conversation.
Lets get this team winning again.
I want a time out. I want to gather my team, who is struggling, and get some motivation from each other and start playin well again.
I would also like a pentalty box. When someone breaks a rule they get 2 minutes for roughing, lying, crying, cheating, stealing, being mean, ect.
Oh yeah!! You just lipped your mom off, two minutes for lipping. In the box. Back talk...two more minutes in the box.
I also need a guru. Some smart man on a mountain ( laundry mountain, in my house) who I can go to and get some advice on all the crap that isn't in the manuals that come with children, friends, parents, in-laws, spouses, neighbours and yourself.
Hey Guru, how do you take a doll head out of a toilet to unclog it? How do you tell your friends you actually hate when they comment on my messy house? How do you tell people they are insensitive assholes, without saying they are insensitive assholes? How do you control a wild teenager? How do you get nail polish out of hair? Do you HAVE to be nice to your elders? How do you motivate people to just give a crap about cooking, cleaning and taking care of what they have? Come on Guru!! HELP ME!!!!
I think the Guru would quit in a week. No notice.
Guru aren't dependable like that.
I feel like I am expected to be everything. I know that all moms feel this way but damn it, that isn't right!!!
Raising a family is a group effort. Everyone should be helping each other. We are all, over worked, under appreciated and not living well.
I CALL A TIME OUT!!!!!
*crickets creaking*
Ok team gather around.
Listen to me, there has to be a better way. Can we work together and make a better play? Just ask for help if you can't make the play by yourself. Call it. BE honest and ask. Worst thing that can happen is a no. But maybe someone else can suggest another plan. Look, I am crazy busy, but if I can have a break at a later date I can take on more for now.
For instance: Drop your kids off at my place, quite honestly I probably won't notice. Call me when you have a shortage of milk or sugar or if you need helping icing a cake ( um actually I am horrible at crafting I would choose someone else) But if you need someone to sound off to about a horrible ex or if you need a speech written...I'm your girl. Ask and ye shall recieve. Lonely? Call. Sad. Call. Happy. Call. Needing a break....CALL!!
We all think it's a weakness to ask for help, I think its a strength. To know your limits and ask for help. The weakness is NOT helping. Scared to put yourself out there to help is unacceptible. GET IN THE GAME!
If I can step outside my wild life so can everyone else. You think you can't but you can. The greatest thing is when you start giving, the recieving comes with it, hand in hand.
I am saying this right now, I need some heros right now. My life is kinda topsy turvy and I could use someone to step in and pick something to help me with, one of your talents to use to get me to a place where I can manage again.
I need someone to help me. Even if it is to straighten out my head and to re-process my priorities. I think ALL of us need help in some way.
So I am calling a TIME OUT and we are all having a meeting at my place and getting in the game.
Message me on facebook if you would like to join.
Wine, pop, juice, snacks and a lot of conversation.
Lets get this team winning again.
Monday, July 26, 2010
It's about time
Here is the thing about helping others; they always end up helping you back. Whenever there is someone that needs me, I try to be there some how and help. What ends up happening is that they end up helping me more then I helped them.
Take for instance my friend Wayne. He called me because he was lower than a snakes belly about his split up with his wife and how she is moving on much faster than him. We sat down and discussed him moving on himself, and how to discover and love him. Wayne works TOO hard, he is constantly in motion. I told him to knock it off, and start doing the things that make him happy. Fishing, hunting...boy things. I asked him why is he constantly doing stuff for everyone and not letting them figure things out for themselves, and he said because he hates confrontation. Don't we all? This society tells us to be pleasant and to keep peace and FAKE being happy. I disagree. We all want to be happy sure, but at what cost? True happiness isn't telling people what they expect to hear and dancing to a tune that isn't yours, its living authentic. Helping others is great but as long as it isn't going to cost you, you. I asked him point blank; don't you deserve a great life too? He said I don't know. You don't know??!! How tragic! Here before me is a great man, who has worked 3 jobs to provide for his family and a failing marriage, a man who is loyal and kind and loving and he doesn't know if he deserves a better life? Yes Wayne you do, we all do. Being in love with yourself is the greatest gift you can give. Spend some time alone, go fishing, have dinner but romance yourself back in love with yourself.
During this whole conversation I mentioned how I am learning to love myself again, that I am still a disaster in so many ways. I told him about the "Jason Smith Call Incident" and how I am a loser for still grieving like that after 13 years.
Wayne stopped me; keep in mind he is the first person to see me when I got the news that Jason had died. I ran across the street away from Glenn, away from my mom on the phone, away from the pain, when it caught up with me and I collapsed on the ground outside Wayne and Kristy's house. Kristy picked me up and took me inside and I was screaming...the ..pain. (deep breath)
Anyways, Wayne stopped me and said this.
"You not STILL, grieving?"
"Yes I am, Jason has been gone for 13 years and I still fall apart at any mention of his name or if anyone brings up his loss." I said.
" No Raquel, you have NEVER grieved him." Wayne said quietly. "When did you have time?"
Then, in Tim Hortons with my friend, I remembered.
What happened after Jason died?
MY LIFE.
MY COMPICATED LIFE!!
Here is what happened right after he died.
G and I lost our house. He got toxic from a ruptured appendix and was in and out of hospital for 3 months and couldn't get EI because he was a contractor. We had decided not to get disability insurance for our home when we got our mortgage and lost it as a result. The debt grew and we both had to file for bankrupt.
We had three children under 7 and we were homeless and bankrupt.
We moved back to Calgary to be closer to my parents, I thought they would want me around more after we lost Jay. I was wrong. Looking back now, they had lost two other children and I was a constant reminder of what was missing. Both of my parents couldn't be around me. I understand why now. I didn't then. I thought they just were sick of my crap and me and walking away from me, because Jason was the one they really loved. I know...lame but it was how I felt. I was 24 years old. Young. Too young for all of what was happening.
My marriage was failing fast. G and I were on our last legs. I was through caring about our ruined relationship and didn't want to face it anymore. I was having hard enough time breathing and just couldn't fight anymore.
G and I breaking up brought with it the reality that I had no education, no work experience and no way to support my children alone. I had been a stay at home mom since 16. I had to find a way to get on my own two feet. I moved in with parents for a couple months why I worked and inquired about school. We were all stressed, sad and crowded. I got my student loans for school and applied for low income housing, to move us away from my overwhelmed parents, to start over our new life and to give us all a break.
Soon after G left, we found out he had cancer. It was serious and the prognosis wasn't good. He began treatment and between going to school, working and and taking the the children to see him at the hospital, I was exhausted and sad.
I started another relationship, well not really started I knew J for years I just decided we should be together when honestly, I shouldn't have. I became pregnant with Emilee and the juggling act I was performing went sideways. My student loans were based on G paying child support, which of course, he couldn't so with the missing money, the children and I really had nothing. Low-income housing was horrible, the money didn't go far enough and I couldn't manage it all. Somehow, I graduated my accounting and administration course, birthed Emilee and G survived.
I got a pretty good first job, J was in my life and had moved in with me and finances were better. When G was strong enough to get out of the hospital, he went back to work. He had lost pretty much everything because of his illness and I told him to not worry about child support, just get back on his feet so he can help with the kids when he has recovered.
A year went by and soon G was back on his feet and able to help. Life was sorting out.
By now we were in 2001. J and I were falling apart. Getting into a relationship and taking on loving someone else was too much for me. I was still so angry about my life, was sad and couldn't understand why and taking it out on everyone. I was ANGRY! SO FREAKING ANGRY!! I just wanted to quit, I didn't want to breath or think about anything I just wanted to be left alone.
I got what I asked for.
J and I ended, in a dramatic horrible way.
I asked G to take the kids while I got myself together. I told him I just needed to secure a place. He agreed to help me. I thought he would because I helped him. I thought he believed in me like I believed in him. I was wrong.
I worked two jobs to try and get my life back.
My anger mixed with my dad's anger and I was homeless. I left with my mom crying and telling me to have a great life.
I already knew Jon. He picked me up. Took me to his home and loved me when I sure the hell didn't want it.
I was alone.
It was now 2003. I didn't call my mom on her birthday on the 25 of January but she called me.
"Faye I have to fix this. I can't let this happen to you, to your children and to our family!" she cried. "Please meet me so we can fix this"
I met with her. She was so frail and sick looking. I was stunned by her change in the month. I was still so angry. I told her I didn't want Dad in my life. I told her she hurt me by choosing him. I told her my whole life is screwed because no one gives a shit about me. I don't give a shit about me!!
Over dinner we talked about my relationships, Dad, G,J and Jon. How my choices were ruining my life. How she knew I could fix it. I just had to get back up and fight.
I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. I was sad. I was lost.
Our dinner ended with mom telling me she would call me before she left for Thailand. She was leaving Feb. 4th I think.
I went home that evening and decided to fight...a little more. I called my kids. Told them I would get it together and we would be together soon. Talked to G and told him I could probably take the kids back the beginning of next month.
The week went by, I was looking for a place with Jon, big enough for everyone. I had a job and was fighting to get it all back. When it all came tumbling down.
I got to work and there was a message to call my Dad. As if I am going to call him, I am starting to feel better. My boss told me my dad said my mom was in the hospital. No Emergency. I left my job…actually I got fired.
Somehow I got to the hospital, found my mom's room, walked into it hoping to find her ok like the message said, and ......I didn't.
Her skin was yellow and her warm loving eyes were yellow too. I stood at the door in total shock when suddenly I could hear my dad yelling through the fog of my fear..." Nice of you to show up? No one can get a hold of you because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself, your mom is here sick as shit and your who knows where!!?? I turned towards him and stuttered out" I was going to work. I didn't...know I just..didn't know"
He kept yelling and I looked back at my mom and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't know what to do, I can't fight with Dad here, not with mom...like that, I remember opening and closing my mouth and no sound coming out.
Jeanne my mom's best friend ushered my dad out of the room so I could talk to my mom alone, without the berating.
"Mom. What's happening?" I squeaked as I moved towards her bed and held her soft, warm yellow hand.
"We're not sure yet" she said with a tear rolling down her face. She pushed the bangs out of my eyes and tried to smile at me.
"You should go Faye, your dad is too mad right now."
"But Mom, I don't want to leave you, I shouldn't go, I should be here with you."
"But your dad is very pissed off at you" she said. "Just go I will have Jeanne call you when he isn't here so you can come see me. Just go Faye.
"But..." tears streamed down my face. " I...need...you"
"I know, and Jeanne will call. I promise." She whispered.
"I love you Mom." I sobbed.
" I love you too" she waved as I backed out the door. I stumbled down the hall and leaned against the wall.
Dad vs Me.
She chose Dad.
I lost again.
Anger boiled in me, rising up and swallowing me down whole. I fell and fell and fell. Into darkness.
Jon picked me up at the hospital, took me to his home. I called my ex and told him my mom was sick and I needed more time to get on my feet now. I asked him if he could keep the kids a little longer, until I knew what was happening with my mom. He said of course. Just take care of your mom. I talked to my kids and comforted them and assured them Grandma would be ok. I told them I would call them later, when I knew more. I wished them a good night, and hung up and cried.
I crawled into bed and closed my eyes and didn't move for days. I didn't eat, I didn't drink, I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to be anything.
Phone rang.
Mom could see me. Dad was busy that afternoon. I got up, got dressed and went to see her. There were many people there. Allowed to see her. Allowed to be loved and welcomed and accepted. Not me. I was the outcast. Everyone one there was judging me, seeing a loser and a screw up. Someone who doesn't even visit thier own mother, when she is sick.
A selfish horrible person.
I smiled. I joked. I acted like the loser everyone expected me to be and when my time was up I left before Dad came back. I bussed home. Numb.
When I got home, I went and laid on the bed and sobbed.
I am alone. Just like I expected when Jason died. ALONE!
The door knocked. I wanted to ignore it, but I thought maybe Jon forgot his keys. I went to the door and opened it.
"Raquel Smith?'
"Yes"
"You've been served"
"What??!" I ripped open the documents and stared at a petition to have G take custody of my children.
No. G wouldn't! He wouldn't do this!!? I raised those kids alone, I asked him for help, he knows my mom is sick. He wouldn't hurt me like this??!! Why is he doing this??!! I took care of them alone when he was sick??!! Why is he doing this!! WHY!!!??
And the answer was so simple. Because he could. Because I trusted him and I allowed him to have the upper hand, by falling apart, by being weak and trusting. By believing in him and hoping he believed in me, I would lose...everything.
Phone was ringing. I answered it. It was my dad.
"Rat. I need to see you. It's about mom. Can you meet me?"
"Sure Dad" I croaked. "Jon will be home soon, he will give me a lift where ever you want"
"Wendy's on Macleod by the Future Shop ok?"
"K Dad. See you there."
We hung up.
When I met up with Dad he told me Mom had ovarian cancer. It was everywhere. He said tomorrow they will go through treatment options. I should be there for that at least....right...he is one of them that think I'm not there by choice.
"You bet Dad. I'll try and make a better effort." Go ahead and hate me, join the club, you’re the founder. G is the co-chair person. The world is your voters. See how many you both can get to hate me? It’s a race.
GO!
Jon was waiting in the car.
"So what's happening?" Jon asked.
"Mom has cancer." I muttered.
Jon rubs my arm. "It's all going to be ok." he says." You watch."
"Nope. It's not." I said. My voice was without feeling; I was tired of pretending I was something I'm not. I'm not someone that has luck, I'm not someone that has a happy ending, and I’m not someone that God listens to.
"How can you say that?" Jon said.
"Look at my train wreck of a life? Do you see it ALL GOING OK!!!!! Do I ever get an ok? DO I DO I!!???
We drove home in silence.
Then things happened like a movie played in fast forward.
Feb 16-I find out I'm pregnant.
Feb 17th-Tell mom.
Feb 17th -Advised to stay away from dad.
I'm set on a schedule of when dad isn't around.
April 11-My birthday comes, Mom sees me. Gives me card it says she is sorry my 30th can't be more special. I tell her I don't care. I DON'T care. I don't want to celebrate my birth.
May 1st-Results come in from the chemo. It isn't working.
Mom calls me and asks me to come and see her. I walk into the house and my dad is in the living room with her. I lean against the door. "What's up?"
Dad speaks up first. "Your mom is terminal"
I slide to the floor and sit on the edge facing my parents. "God no. Please no. There is nothing we can do?" I cry.
"No Faye." Mom says. "Dad is going to try some holistic stuff to make things slower but...what can I say?"
"Do they know how long?" I whispered. I could feel the pain ebbing up inside me. It was choking me. I don't want to know, please don't tell me.
"They don't know Faye, probably a few months."
A few could be 11 months, because they would say years if they meant a year. I have 11 months to get my life together and prove to her I'm not a loser. 11 months to make her proud of me. She will see this new baby, she will get to know Jon, she will be here to see my life finally be ok...right?
I crawled across the floor and laid my head in my mom's lap. She brushed her fingers through my hair and we cried together. Dad came over and hugged what was left of his family and said " Rat we have to work this out. Your mom needs us both. I'll do my part."
"I'll do my part too Dad, Mom. I will try so hard."
So that night, I went home and started to send out resumes. I need a job and a house to get my kids back. I got a lawyer to fight G. I planned how to get my life in order so my mom could see me, ok and something she would be proud of. Someone worthy of such a great mom. She is a great mom; I should be a great kid. I will be a great person. I'll prove to her I will be something worth while. So everyone can say that beautiful child is Jacinthe's.
Next day I got a job. I couldn't wait to tell my mom.
"Now?!?" my mom said. "Why now?"
Looking from the outside now, I know what she must have been thinking. Why are you getting a job now Raquel? I'm dying. I need you. Don't you need to spend as much time as possible with me because I need to spend as much time possible with you."
"It's a great job, and I need to get a bigger place so I can fight G for the kids." I said. Mom I have to prove to you I am something. I want you to be able to go to God with peace because I am ok, because you brought up a great and wonderful daughter and everyone will know it. Let me show you how wonderful I can be.
"But can you wait until...they baby is born?" Can you wait until I go? Don't you understand our time is short?
"Nah. They said I can work right up till the baby is born." I can save as much money as possible so that when the baby is born I can still take care of everything. This way you know I will take good care of this baby.
"I don't think this is a good idea" Mom said with a sigh. I will never see this baby. Will he be ok? Will Raquel be ok? She doesn't get what is going on. Raquel, you don't get what is going on??!!
"Well Mom, I have to" Mom I have to.
"Ok fine." Please don't.
I lasted 2 weeks before my mom started showing signs of decline. She had to be put on oxygen. My dad flipped out. He was scared. I just cried.
Then the hospice nurse came over to have my mom sign the do not resuscitate order. WHAT!? If she stops living we aren't suppose to do anything??
My mom and Aunty Yolande were busy getting everything ready for a life without her. All my mom's things were being given away, her clothes, her cross stitches, her slippers...HER! Everything was heading out the door. I kept being asked if I wanted anything, I said no. Mom is right here. Don't need stuff to love her, I need HER.
Time passed super quickly. Mom was sleeping most of the time. We were told that near the end she would do that.
NEAR THE END!!? That was only 1 and half months! She can't be leaving yet. I'm still nothing. Everyone still thinks I'm a loser! Please don't go Mom; I'm so much more than this.
She only lasted 2 months.
She went home. With Jason. With Melanie. She is with two of her children.
This child.
This beautiful daughter of Jacinthe's could never be a nothing. She has come out of unsurmountable pain, she has been judged and tormented, she lost everything....and found...EVERYTHING.
She is a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. She is worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, worthy of a life better than it has been. She is strong, and brilliant, with so much more to give. She's had lose so much, to gain so much. After I lost mom, I started to rebuild, did everything go perfect?...oh my no. I had so much to fix. It didn't take over night to break it. I have 13 years of mess to clean up.
I have rebuilt my whole life. I now have the love and respect of my children. I have a normal life without too much drama. I have a relationship with my dad, not perfect yet, but healthy.
So.
It's time to grieve.
It's time to say goodbye to my brother and my mom in a normal healthy way.
So life, please pause and allow this to happen.
It's about time.
Take for instance my friend Wayne. He called me because he was lower than a snakes belly about his split up with his wife and how she is moving on much faster than him. We sat down and discussed him moving on himself, and how to discover and love him. Wayne works TOO hard, he is constantly in motion. I told him to knock it off, and start doing the things that make him happy. Fishing, hunting...boy things. I asked him why is he constantly doing stuff for everyone and not letting them figure things out for themselves, and he said because he hates confrontation. Don't we all? This society tells us to be pleasant and to keep peace and FAKE being happy. I disagree. We all want to be happy sure, but at what cost? True happiness isn't telling people what they expect to hear and dancing to a tune that isn't yours, its living authentic. Helping others is great but as long as it isn't going to cost you, you. I asked him point blank; don't you deserve a great life too? He said I don't know. You don't know??!! How tragic! Here before me is a great man, who has worked 3 jobs to provide for his family and a failing marriage, a man who is loyal and kind and loving and he doesn't know if he deserves a better life? Yes Wayne you do, we all do. Being in love with yourself is the greatest gift you can give. Spend some time alone, go fishing, have dinner but romance yourself back in love with yourself.
During this whole conversation I mentioned how I am learning to love myself again, that I am still a disaster in so many ways. I told him about the "Jason Smith Call Incident" and how I am a loser for still grieving like that after 13 years.
Wayne stopped me; keep in mind he is the first person to see me when I got the news that Jason had died. I ran across the street away from Glenn, away from my mom on the phone, away from the pain, when it caught up with me and I collapsed on the ground outside Wayne and Kristy's house. Kristy picked me up and took me inside and I was screaming...the ..pain. (deep breath)
Anyways, Wayne stopped me and said this.
"You not STILL, grieving?"
"Yes I am, Jason has been gone for 13 years and I still fall apart at any mention of his name or if anyone brings up his loss." I said.
" No Raquel, you have NEVER grieved him." Wayne said quietly. "When did you have time?"
Then, in Tim Hortons with my friend, I remembered.
What happened after Jason died?
MY LIFE.
MY COMPICATED LIFE!!
Here is what happened right after he died.
G and I lost our house. He got toxic from a ruptured appendix and was in and out of hospital for 3 months and couldn't get EI because he was a contractor. We had decided not to get disability insurance for our home when we got our mortgage and lost it as a result. The debt grew and we both had to file for bankrupt.
We had three children under 7 and we were homeless and bankrupt.
We moved back to Calgary to be closer to my parents, I thought they would want me around more after we lost Jay. I was wrong. Looking back now, they had lost two other children and I was a constant reminder of what was missing. Both of my parents couldn't be around me. I understand why now. I didn't then. I thought they just were sick of my crap and me and walking away from me, because Jason was the one they really loved. I know...lame but it was how I felt. I was 24 years old. Young. Too young for all of what was happening.
My marriage was failing fast. G and I were on our last legs. I was through caring about our ruined relationship and didn't want to face it anymore. I was having hard enough time breathing and just couldn't fight anymore.
G and I breaking up brought with it the reality that I had no education, no work experience and no way to support my children alone. I had been a stay at home mom since 16. I had to find a way to get on my own two feet. I moved in with parents for a couple months why I worked and inquired about school. We were all stressed, sad and crowded. I got my student loans for school and applied for low income housing, to move us away from my overwhelmed parents, to start over our new life and to give us all a break.
Soon after G left, we found out he had cancer. It was serious and the prognosis wasn't good. He began treatment and between going to school, working and and taking the the children to see him at the hospital, I was exhausted and sad.
I started another relationship, well not really started I knew J for years I just decided we should be together when honestly, I shouldn't have. I became pregnant with Emilee and the juggling act I was performing went sideways. My student loans were based on G paying child support, which of course, he couldn't so with the missing money, the children and I really had nothing. Low-income housing was horrible, the money didn't go far enough and I couldn't manage it all. Somehow, I graduated my accounting and administration course, birthed Emilee and G survived.
I got a pretty good first job, J was in my life and had moved in with me and finances were better. When G was strong enough to get out of the hospital, he went back to work. He had lost pretty much everything because of his illness and I told him to not worry about child support, just get back on his feet so he can help with the kids when he has recovered.
A year went by and soon G was back on his feet and able to help. Life was sorting out.
By now we were in 2001. J and I were falling apart. Getting into a relationship and taking on loving someone else was too much for me. I was still so angry about my life, was sad and couldn't understand why and taking it out on everyone. I was ANGRY! SO FREAKING ANGRY!! I just wanted to quit, I didn't want to breath or think about anything I just wanted to be left alone.
I got what I asked for.
J and I ended, in a dramatic horrible way.
I asked G to take the kids while I got myself together. I told him I just needed to secure a place. He agreed to help me. I thought he would because I helped him. I thought he believed in me like I believed in him. I was wrong.
I worked two jobs to try and get my life back.
My anger mixed with my dad's anger and I was homeless. I left with my mom crying and telling me to have a great life.
I already knew Jon. He picked me up. Took me to his home and loved me when I sure the hell didn't want it.
I was alone.
It was now 2003. I didn't call my mom on her birthday on the 25 of January but she called me.
"Faye I have to fix this. I can't let this happen to you, to your children and to our family!" she cried. "Please meet me so we can fix this"
I met with her. She was so frail and sick looking. I was stunned by her change in the month. I was still so angry. I told her I didn't want Dad in my life. I told her she hurt me by choosing him. I told her my whole life is screwed because no one gives a shit about me. I don't give a shit about me!!
Over dinner we talked about my relationships, Dad, G,J and Jon. How my choices were ruining my life. How she knew I could fix it. I just had to get back up and fight.
I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. I was sad. I was lost.
Our dinner ended with mom telling me she would call me before she left for Thailand. She was leaving Feb. 4th I think.
I went home that evening and decided to fight...a little more. I called my kids. Told them I would get it together and we would be together soon. Talked to G and told him I could probably take the kids back the beginning of next month.
The week went by, I was looking for a place with Jon, big enough for everyone. I had a job and was fighting to get it all back. When it all came tumbling down.
I got to work and there was a message to call my Dad. As if I am going to call him, I am starting to feel better. My boss told me my dad said my mom was in the hospital. No Emergency. I left my job…actually I got fired.
Somehow I got to the hospital, found my mom's room, walked into it hoping to find her ok like the message said, and ......I didn't.
Her skin was yellow and her warm loving eyes were yellow too. I stood at the door in total shock when suddenly I could hear my dad yelling through the fog of my fear..." Nice of you to show up? No one can get a hold of you because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself, your mom is here sick as shit and your who knows where!!?? I turned towards him and stuttered out" I was going to work. I didn't...know I just..didn't know"
He kept yelling and I looked back at my mom and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't know what to do, I can't fight with Dad here, not with mom...like that, I remember opening and closing my mouth and no sound coming out.
Jeanne my mom's best friend ushered my dad out of the room so I could talk to my mom alone, without the berating.
"Mom. What's happening?" I squeaked as I moved towards her bed and held her soft, warm yellow hand.
"We're not sure yet" she said with a tear rolling down her face. She pushed the bangs out of my eyes and tried to smile at me.
"You should go Faye, your dad is too mad right now."
"But Mom, I don't want to leave you, I shouldn't go, I should be here with you."
"But your dad is very pissed off at you" she said. "Just go I will have Jeanne call you when he isn't here so you can come see me. Just go Faye.
"But..." tears streamed down my face. " I...need...you"
"I know, and Jeanne will call. I promise." She whispered.
"I love you Mom." I sobbed.
" I love you too" she waved as I backed out the door. I stumbled down the hall and leaned against the wall.
Dad vs Me.
She chose Dad.
I lost again.
Anger boiled in me, rising up and swallowing me down whole. I fell and fell and fell. Into darkness.
Jon picked me up at the hospital, took me to his home. I called my ex and told him my mom was sick and I needed more time to get on my feet now. I asked him if he could keep the kids a little longer, until I knew what was happening with my mom. He said of course. Just take care of your mom. I talked to my kids and comforted them and assured them Grandma would be ok. I told them I would call them later, when I knew more. I wished them a good night, and hung up and cried.
I crawled into bed and closed my eyes and didn't move for days. I didn't eat, I didn't drink, I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to be anything.
Phone rang.
Mom could see me. Dad was busy that afternoon. I got up, got dressed and went to see her. There were many people there. Allowed to see her. Allowed to be loved and welcomed and accepted. Not me. I was the outcast. Everyone one there was judging me, seeing a loser and a screw up. Someone who doesn't even visit thier own mother, when she is sick.
A selfish horrible person.
I smiled. I joked. I acted like the loser everyone expected me to be and when my time was up I left before Dad came back. I bussed home. Numb.
When I got home, I went and laid on the bed and sobbed.
I am alone. Just like I expected when Jason died. ALONE!
The door knocked. I wanted to ignore it, but I thought maybe Jon forgot his keys. I went to the door and opened it.
"Raquel Smith?'
"Yes"
"You've been served"
"What??!" I ripped open the documents and stared at a petition to have G take custody of my children.
No. G wouldn't! He wouldn't do this!!? I raised those kids alone, I asked him for help, he knows my mom is sick. He wouldn't hurt me like this??!! Why is he doing this??!! I took care of them alone when he was sick??!! Why is he doing this!! WHY!!!??
And the answer was so simple. Because he could. Because I trusted him and I allowed him to have the upper hand, by falling apart, by being weak and trusting. By believing in him and hoping he believed in me, I would lose...everything.
Phone was ringing. I answered it. It was my dad.
"Rat. I need to see you. It's about mom. Can you meet me?"
"Sure Dad" I croaked. "Jon will be home soon, he will give me a lift where ever you want"
"Wendy's on Macleod by the Future Shop ok?"
"K Dad. See you there."
We hung up.
When I met up with Dad he told me Mom had ovarian cancer. It was everywhere. He said tomorrow they will go through treatment options. I should be there for that at least....right...he is one of them that think I'm not there by choice.
"You bet Dad. I'll try and make a better effort." Go ahead and hate me, join the club, you’re the founder. G is the co-chair person. The world is your voters. See how many you both can get to hate me? It’s a race.
GO!
Jon was waiting in the car.
"So what's happening?" Jon asked.
"Mom has cancer." I muttered.
Jon rubs my arm. "It's all going to be ok." he says." You watch."
"Nope. It's not." I said. My voice was without feeling; I was tired of pretending I was something I'm not. I'm not someone that has luck, I'm not someone that has a happy ending, and I’m not someone that God listens to.
"How can you say that?" Jon said.
"Look at my train wreck of a life? Do you see it ALL GOING OK!!!!! Do I ever get an ok? DO I DO I!!???
We drove home in silence.
Then things happened like a movie played in fast forward.
Feb 16-I find out I'm pregnant.
Feb 17th-Tell mom.
Feb 17th -Advised to stay away from dad.
I'm set on a schedule of when dad isn't around.
April 11-My birthday comes, Mom sees me. Gives me card it says she is sorry my 30th can't be more special. I tell her I don't care. I DON'T care. I don't want to celebrate my birth.
May 1st-Results come in from the chemo. It isn't working.
Mom calls me and asks me to come and see her. I walk into the house and my dad is in the living room with her. I lean against the door. "What's up?"
Dad speaks up first. "Your mom is terminal"
I slide to the floor and sit on the edge facing my parents. "God no. Please no. There is nothing we can do?" I cry.
"No Faye." Mom says. "Dad is going to try some holistic stuff to make things slower but...what can I say?"
"Do they know how long?" I whispered. I could feel the pain ebbing up inside me. It was choking me. I don't want to know, please don't tell me.
"They don't know Faye, probably a few months."
A few could be 11 months, because they would say years if they meant a year. I have 11 months to get my life together and prove to her I'm not a loser. 11 months to make her proud of me. She will see this new baby, she will get to know Jon, she will be here to see my life finally be ok...right?
I crawled across the floor and laid my head in my mom's lap. She brushed her fingers through my hair and we cried together. Dad came over and hugged what was left of his family and said " Rat we have to work this out. Your mom needs us both. I'll do my part."
"I'll do my part too Dad, Mom. I will try so hard."
So that night, I went home and started to send out resumes. I need a job and a house to get my kids back. I got a lawyer to fight G. I planned how to get my life in order so my mom could see me, ok and something she would be proud of. Someone worthy of such a great mom. She is a great mom; I should be a great kid. I will be a great person. I'll prove to her I will be something worth while. So everyone can say that beautiful child is Jacinthe's.
Next day I got a job. I couldn't wait to tell my mom.
"Now?!?" my mom said. "Why now?"
Looking from the outside now, I know what she must have been thinking. Why are you getting a job now Raquel? I'm dying. I need you. Don't you need to spend as much time as possible with me because I need to spend as much time possible with you."
"It's a great job, and I need to get a bigger place so I can fight G for the kids." I said. Mom I have to prove to you I am something. I want you to be able to go to God with peace because I am ok, because you brought up a great and wonderful daughter and everyone will know it. Let me show you how wonderful I can be.
"But can you wait until...they baby is born?" Can you wait until I go? Don't you understand our time is short?
"Nah. They said I can work right up till the baby is born." I can save as much money as possible so that when the baby is born I can still take care of everything. This way you know I will take good care of this baby.
"I don't think this is a good idea" Mom said with a sigh. I will never see this baby. Will he be ok? Will Raquel be ok? She doesn't get what is going on. Raquel, you don't get what is going on??!!
"Well Mom, I have to" Mom I have to.
"Ok fine." Please don't.
I lasted 2 weeks before my mom started showing signs of decline. She had to be put on oxygen. My dad flipped out. He was scared. I just cried.
Then the hospice nurse came over to have my mom sign the do not resuscitate order. WHAT!? If she stops living we aren't suppose to do anything??
My mom and Aunty Yolande were busy getting everything ready for a life without her. All my mom's things were being given away, her clothes, her cross stitches, her slippers...HER! Everything was heading out the door. I kept being asked if I wanted anything, I said no. Mom is right here. Don't need stuff to love her, I need HER.
Time passed super quickly. Mom was sleeping most of the time. We were told that near the end she would do that.
NEAR THE END!!? That was only 1 and half months! She can't be leaving yet. I'm still nothing. Everyone still thinks I'm a loser! Please don't go Mom; I'm so much more than this.
She only lasted 2 months.
She went home. With Jason. With Melanie. She is with two of her children.
This child.
This beautiful daughter of Jacinthe's could never be a nothing. She has come out of unsurmountable pain, she has been judged and tormented, she lost everything....and found...EVERYTHING.
She is a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. She is worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, worthy of a life better than it has been. She is strong, and brilliant, with so much more to give. She's had lose so much, to gain so much. After I lost mom, I started to rebuild, did everything go perfect?...oh my no. I had so much to fix. It didn't take over night to break it. I have 13 years of mess to clean up.
I have rebuilt my whole life. I now have the love and respect of my children. I have a normal life without too much drama. I have a relationship with my dad, not perfect yet, but healthy.
So.
It's time to grieve.
It's time to say goodbye to my brother and my mom in a normal healthy way.
So life, please pause and allow this to happen.
It's about time.
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