In the brotherhood

Lately I have been carpooling with my friend Mike, my health has made me unable to drive so Erin, Mike's wife and one of my sisters, suggested Mike and I carpool. I was sure thankful.

During our first week of carpool, Mike would have on either a comedy CD or music that he really appreciated and it was nice because I was feeling so crappy and the comedy and music made it feel better.

The next week I was starting to feel a little better and we talked a little. I'm mostly the talker and Mike is a great listener, he always adds in something funny and we laugh at each others antics.

Lately, mostly because of how good I'm starting to feel, I have been sharing some of the funniest moments of my life, and of course those all involve my brother Jason. I've been sharing our crazy antics and our "war with Rol" (my dad) and the funny things we did to my poor mom. (finding a rubber snake in the garbage of a neighbours house and trying to act natural while slithering in the room to throw it) She was on to us, but it was still funny.

Everyday I get in the car and say to myself, shut up why are you talking about this??! It's not something anyone wants to hear, you and your brother stories are only entertaining to you. Then today I realised why I am talking about it all, I need to. Losing your only sibling is losing your history, no one remembers your childhood and there is no one to reminisce with. This makes me crave that camaraderie and exchange of sibling tales.

I guess what I am saying is this, I have all these adopted sisters and it's fine, because I didn't have a sister growing up, so adjusting to them is fairly easy. Adding a brother, or a brother type figure is a little harder, because as I let Mike in and add him as a brother type in my life, it makes me crave and miss my own brother.

However, this may be one of the best steps for me.

 I had a dream a few weeks ago. Jason was at the pub with me, which is where he normally is in my dreams, and he said this "Nell, your scared to let go of me because you're afraid I'm the only one that knows who you  really are, but that isn't true anymore. You're letting others know you now and soon you will be able to let me go. " Then he smiled at me and said "And it's OK to let me go, because no matter what, you will always have me." And he tapped my head and my chest.

I woke up crying and saying No no no, over and over again. I don't want to let go, I can't. He loved me and he was the only one that loved me always, even at the worst.

But today I see it different, he isn't the only one now, my new siblings, have seen me at my worst, it never got worse than losing him, my mom and my children and now they are catching glimpse of my best and they love me too. So, maybe, just a little, I can let Jason recede. Even writing that my heart froze with fear, because this is a new idea and process. Will this happen overnight?

No.

Can these new siblings take all the hurt away? No, but they can hear my stories and share my childhood and love and understand what I lost, and patch up my heart as best they can...and.... love me whole.

Something Jason never got to do.