I remember now.

Everyday I get a better memory of who I used to be.

I was an athlete!

I could perform outstanding precision in most sports, but in swimming...I was amazing. I loved the quiet and being able to hear my heartbeat while I timed my strokes to a calming speed that could go on forever.

Last month I went to my cousins wedding. Her family lives on a lake, I went into the water, it was cold but wonderful. I swam for at least a couple hours, floating naturally and never faltering. I loved it. The peace.

Why did I quit swimming? Why did I stop loving it? When did I stop, wanting to do this for the rest of my life?
I truly quit swimming when I ran away from home. I had a job interview to work for a city pool and because I knew my parents knew my interview time and place I didn't show up. That was the first dream I gave up. Soon after I discovered I was pregnant with Trevor, so I stepped into survival mode and started making decisions that were for needs not wants.

I think to start over; I need to start where the devastation began, back when, at 16, I decided to walk away from my own dreams and passions and into someone else’s.
I think it will be healthy for my body, my mind, my soul and it will also help me heal. My brother died from drowning and I think that swimming will heal me from that. The peace and delight I get from swimming is something I NEED again.

So I guess the black size 22 bathing suit and me have a date. I hate being in a bathing suit now. It tightly squeezes my fluffy parts, it shows everything and it rides up my ass when I bend over. Beautiful.
Have to start somewhere.
Crap!!! I have to shave my legs too. Regularly. SIGH. I love being able to make cricket love songs rubbing my legs together. Goodbye old cricket legs, hopefully hello toned sexy legs.

I also had a look at my career. I often got jobs that I could get without chance of rejection. I was usually over qualified but didn't want someone to interview me and discover I sucked.

While falling in love with myself, I now know my worth in the work industry. I am brilliant, I'm one of the best sales people I know, I am a control freak and love order, even though is evades me constantly. I make people comfortable, I love finding out what someone needs and helping them find it, I have a love of change, I am spontaneous and a little carefree. I am not a desk job!!
I am not a desk job!!

So I guess I will start swimming again, get my re-certifications, get my teaching certificates, and get back to where I was at 16 and freaking start over, where I was before ADULT decisions made by a child began. I'm an adult; I can handle the decisions now. I will start at the beginning.
I'm not quitting my job, so don't panic Jon. I'm doing this slowly; I am going to enjoy every single second of rediscovery!!

And earn my life back.

Bought the book!!

So last week, I left work a little early. I wanted to get over to Chapters and get a book on Domestic Violence. If I am finally going to admit I was abused I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life without fear, because fear is sucking the life out of me.

I had another book I had ordered a month ago. Writing Stand Up Comedy, back when I thought getting on stage was a good idea. That in itself is another blog.

I went into the store and entered the self help section. This is my happy place. I have hated myself for so long I have hundreds of books on how to fix me.

I walked around the section, trying to find the perfect book, I got my hands on a good one, it covered all kinds of abuse and I figured I probably experienced most of them. I started towards the counter and froze.

I can't admit to that freckly girl I am or was abused. I don't look the type, she will give me that look of pity and I would rather kick my own face than see pity on ANYONES face. I backed away and wondered around the store.

You have to do this Raquel.

No I don't.

Come on. You have done harder things than this.

Nope, childbirth is easier than pity. I will take twins with large heads over pity any day.

You survived it, now your just healing it, get over there and buy the book.

No.

I took couple other books and put them on top of it. Maybe she will not notice if there are a few big books on top...where is War and Peace? What section is Big Books that are cheap?

I wondered around the store for 2 hours. Yep. Two hours in a bookstore. I watched people and read a lot of titles. I sniffed the coffee brewing at Starbucks and my stomach growled.


If you buy the book I will buy you a Cinnamon Dolche....mmm wouldn't that be yummy? I won't even make it non fat.

I will get Starbucks anyways for failure to buy book. Look at this fat suit!  This didn't happen from facing things. This is my avoidance suit. Everytime I feel crappy I eat cheese doodles or drink lattes. It's what I do.

Just buy the book!

I can't.

I left the store without the book.

Stupid pride. Stupid fear of judgement. Stupid fear. Stupid stupid stupid.

I went home with a latte.

And a bag of cheese doodles.

I called Wendy that night. She asked what was up. I told her about my book. I told her I was afraid.

"Well Raquel this would be the first time you faced being a victim. You hate the term victim but it is what you are. You were a victim of domestic abuse if you like it or not. Face it."

"I hate that I allowed that, I hate I let someone control me, that he still controls me."

"Then you need the book right?"

"Right. I could just buy it online..."

"No your going to walk up and buy the book, you don't have to be alone. I will come with you but you will be the one to march up there and say I am the victim of domestic violence and I want to change it."

"I'm not actually going to say that...ever."

"Yes you will, to yourself, then you will start to heal. Do it Raquel. For you."

"Fine." I said

"Fine." Wendy said.

The next day I went to the store with my sisters Michelle and Roxanne. Michelle and I go there ahead of time and were browsing the books on sale section.

I kept looking over to the dreaded section.

Roxanne showed up and we heading towards my book. I went to where I found it before and it was missing. Probably because when I got rid of it two days ago I quickly put it on the nearest shelf to my exit.

I went to the computer and found the title. I couldn't find it by myself and my sisters couldn't either. I had to ask for assistance. I took a deep breath and asked a sales lady where I could find it.

I broke out in a sweat. She just turned around and took me straight there. My sisters followed me and were there with me when we found it.

In the middle of the domestic violence section.

Argh. I stared at the hateful book and kinda paused to calmly accept that I was a woman that needed this freaking book!!!!!

I heard some laughter and looked up from my book. My sisters were in the sexual section reading a day by day book of positions. I scrambled to see what was so funny. The whole book had the craziest positions possible, well...not really possible but...funny. Ice skating!!!

They made a terrible moment , fun.

I went straight to the cashier and put my books...(yes books, I still wanted to divert attention) on the counter and did a lot of fidgeting.

But.

I bought the book!!

Who Am I?

Who was I born to be?

Discovering this, hasn't been an easy task, I guess I have to find out first, what I am not.

Everyday I find another thing I know for sure I am not. For instance, I am not a crafter. I hate scissors, I hate glue, I hate googly eyes. I don't have the patience or love to complete a craft.

It's easier to find out who I am not.


Figuring out who I am, has lead me to mess, confusion, lots of reading, indecision, set backs, exhaustion, failure, laughter, embarassment, endless advice from my guardians, loss of people I couldn't live without, betrayals and  greater loyality and over all great life lessons.

During all this I have JUST discovered  the art of being still, because its hard to obsorb what you have learned if you keep running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Sometimes being still is laying on the floor of your room with your hair wild and your room locked and listening to your own heartbeat, and sometimes it's listening to your guardian, with a still mind and heart, and hearing the advice they have.

To find me I had to make mistakes and  find out who I wasn't. I had to jump in and make decisions, because action brings forth lessons, and you can't live a life just inside your head. So I jumped alot, sometimes I fell, sometimes I stumbled, more times... I landed.

Everyday I need to find something I no longer agree to do. For instance: I will no longer agree to eat baked beans, I hated them as a child, I tried them as an adult, and hate them. Decision made. So, quite often I scratch something off my list of self discovery and make it a conclusion. Not that you can't change your mind, I have done that a lot too, but it all leads towards the direction of you.

I also decided that I have to face my anger, I have let it take me too far away from who I am. I have let it ball up inside me and form into this fat suit. I gave it more credit than it's worth and I refuse to let it guide me for the rest of my life. Dealing with my anger and grief will give me my life back, because dealing with the past and the future is right now, in the middle of the present. Screwed up, hopeful, hilarious, fabulous me, will start treating this miracle of a being with the dignity and respect she deserves.

I am beloved. I have to stop being angry to see that. To love myself. To move on from the wreckage that created itself because I was too angry to care.

 Letting go of the anger will be the single most difficult thing I will ever accomplish. It will be raw and painful, but in the end there will be only be me left. Beautiful, lovely, peaceful, soft, random, fluffy, flawed and funny...Me.

(Maybe not fluffy)

Heck if I know.

Where they heck am I and how do I find me and start again.

There is this picture of me I remember. I was probably 14. I am sunkissed and sunbleached blonde. I have this very calm serene look about me. I see strength and confidence and self- esteem. Jason is in the picture with me, but I'm not really aware of him, I'm staring ahead, strong.

I love this picture. I think I'm going to blow it up and put it on my wall at home. I want to see that picture everyday. I was healthy once. I was self confident and lovely. I had dreams and goals and I knew myself. I was in excellent physical condition and I knew I had power.

Although I will never be that girl again, I have lived a life that has taken that girl and changed her into a woman that is altered, but she is ME. THAT IS ME!

If she could trade places with me right now, there is no way anyone would treat her like I get treated. When HE insults me and hurts me it wouldn't even effect her. She knows she is more worthy of love than he is. She grew up with an amazing childhood with parents that loved her. She had a sibling that believed in her and never wavered. She never accepted defeat. I remember pushing harder and harder to win races, it was impossible to pin me in wrestling, I ran fast and had a natural ability at most sports. Grades were never my forte, I didn't really have an attention span for education. I wanted freedom and I wanted to run and laugh and think. I was always a great thinker. Perhaps that is why I would get into so much trouble, and what I mean by trouble, is skipping class to eat pizza at the lake or to sneak out of the house at night to sit in the park and hangout with my curfew free friends. I have never done drugs, I have never hurt anyone, and I was always aware of my boundaries. NO ONE talked me into anything I didn't want to do. Boys would want to experiment with me and I would punch them in the head. Mom got lots of calls to the school. I didn't have a problem with that. SHE was the good cop in our household.

I was fun to be around, not because I was crazy or wild, but because I was...crazy and wild. Ok I wasn't an angel but I did things in light fun, not to rebel or hurt anyone.

My dad and I had an amazing relationship then. He was PROUD of how I would knock a boy out for making passes at me, we would joke around and he would lecture me and my friends about rules and responsibilities. Sure, Dad and I would have our wars, neither of us would back down when we were mad at each other. Mom would constantly come between us and tell us to go to our own corners. I would slam my bedroom door and cry, dad would storm off downstairs and watch the news. Eventually we would both meet up and be sorry. We never said sorry, but it was assumed. We drove my mom crazy with our stubborn attitudes and inability to admit we were wrong. By the way, he was always wrong. Just kidding...I think I was wrong in 1980 so THAT time I admit I was wrong for sure, maybe a few times after that...probably not.

How do I become that girl again...ok well not a girl, but a woman version of her. Who would she be if she wasn't abused?


Heck if I know!!!!

I know this isn't a very deep blog but I swear I don't have a clue how to get to love myself again! It's inbred in me. I blame myself of my mistakes. I was smart and smart people don't screw up as much as I did. They don't get beat they don't lose themselves! Only idiots allow abuse. How did I let someone take me apart.

My brother said to me a million times, "Nell, why are you letting him do this to you? You could kick his butt, I have personally seen you drop guys bigger than him"
WHY DID I!!!!???


Hell  if I know.

Why did I think I deserved this abuse? Because I got pregnant at 16 and disappointed my whole family? So the heck what? Did I give my son up for adoption? Did I starve him and neglect him? Did I leave him alone while I went partying? Did I put myself in front of his needs...ok sometimes I did, but did I continue to screw up? No. I tried to finish school. I actually understood how much my education meant to me and my life. I was 16 and after i found out I was pregnant I enrolled (by myself) for school, a teen parent school. That doesn't sound like a loser to me! I tried to do it, I really did. It got to be too much with my son being kicked out every other day because he caught something from the daycare. I saw the other teen moms with herpes, and partying with their kids sleeping on crusty sheets and living in a hovel. That wasn't me. I refused to screw up that bad. I could have screwed up a lot worse than I did.

I think because I was that girl in the picture I didn't. I was brave, I was smart and I was determined. Did I see that then? No. I felt I had to prove I wasn't a loser, I had to fix the mistake I made. Running away, embarrassing my parents, getting pregnant. I had to be more than I though I was. This was a 17 year old running an adult life. There is no way I was going to make ALL the right decisions. No way at all. I didn't have the maturity or the focus to "make up for" my mistake. I also had "HE" telling me how unimportant my life was now that I had our son. How HE had to finish his education so he could provide for our child and me. He did work hard, I will give him that, but he had the freedom TO work and finish and complete his childhood.

My parents were frustrated, exhausted and mad at me. I kept making mistakes, I kept screwing up, I kept...being a child...because you know what? I WAS A CHILD! I was a child with a child. I chose to keep my son, a choice I wouldn't change. I chose to quit childhood and try and grow up and be a responsible parent. YEAH RIGHT! You can't choose to grow up, your body and mind and soul grow at the same rate it doesn't matter what responsibility  you put on it. They have proven your frontal lobe of your brain doesn't attach until your at least 21. The frontal lobe controls your impulses and seeing the consequences of your actions. As in, you finally learn at 21 that your choices have consequences. 21!!!! I had already made a billion bad choices before then!!!

With that child mind I believed if I married the guy who got me pregnant, no matter how flawed he was, everyone would think I was normal and forgive me. That is honestly what I thought every single day. I have to keep him, because he is my salvation.....he is my ticket out of being an embarrassment to my family and a failure to my life.

HOLY  CRAP !!!! This is huge. This is huge!!!

So I accepted and took all sorts of abuse, to get my salvation. HOLY CRAP !!

And salvation came.

I married him.

I remember crying on my wedding day, I won. I won my salvation. Today everyone will forgive me and see I'm not a loser, I thought. Today I have redemption. Today they will love me again.

And it worked. I watched my wedding videos and heard my uncle who was recording it say "So proud of that girl" I replayed that part a hundred times. I also replayed me crying a hundred times. Everyone thought I was so captured by love that the emotion over took me, no, I was so excited to be forgiven that I cried because I wanted that love back.

To get there, to get to that day I had sacrificed...ME.


For what? For the love of people that didn't know me or my sacrifice? For acceptance? For redemption of sins I committed with other sinners that were forgiven for free?

Heck if I know.

While finding Melanie, I found me.

November 24, 1976.

I finally know the day my sister left our family.

I just got back from the most amazing adventure of my life. I packed up, picked up my friend Wendy and found my sister.

During my ride to Lethbridge, Wendy and I had some great conversations. We always do. She kept asking how I was feeling and I kept telling her I was excited and happy.

My sister has been in that grave for 34 years.

Never a visit.

 Not one member of her family could face the pain of letting her go. It was too painful, or we were too young to understand the impact her life had on our family. As one of my friends said "Melanie is where it all began, Raquel your going back to the beginning."

The Beginning.

Wendy and I arrived at Mountain View Cemetary in the early afternoon. The day was muggy and overcast, and I kinda felt the same way. How will I feel when I get there?

As what is typical of me, I forgot the plot number and lot number at home. So I informed Wendy it might be a day of looking for her.

" I don't give a crap if I have to look at every gravestone in this place, we are going to find your sister today." smiled Wendy.

"Thanks." I said.

"No, thank you. This is a magical moment for you, and I'm glad you asked me to be here."

This graveyard was huge. Beautiful...but huge. I didn't know where to start. I knew she was in Babyland, but where was that? I saw a map up ahead from the gates. I dropped Wendy at it and parked.

"They don't have Babyland marked on here." she said.

"Argh"

We both climbed into the van and started driving again. Soon, we passed some very tiny grave stones. "This must be it!" Wendy said. We got out of the van again and walked between the rows of little graves. It was really sad, all those little lives lost. The parents that had to say goodbye to something so precious, so sad.

We found a row of 1976 deaths, Melanie wasn't there. Hummm maybe she is out of order? Wendy was working up ahead from me, I think she was in the 60's.

"Where is she Wendy?" I called over to her.

"She isn't in this area, that's for sure."

"Wouldn't they mark the Babyland with a monument or something?" I said.

"Beats me, you would think"

I stopped walking and swatted at a bug.

"Hey Mom? Can you help me? I don't even know where to start. Just guide me there k?" I whispered.

Get back into the van,I felt.

"Hey Wendy, let's get back into the van. This isn't the right place."

We reached the van and climbed in.

I drove where my heart was telling me to, and found myself and Wendy in front of a huge monument for the unborn and babies.

"This is it!! It has to be." I said. "Mom told me she was in Babyland and near the road....I think. I can't remember but I think I remember her saying that."

We drove in and just a little ways in I wanted to stop. I didn't because Wendy couldn't see the years of the grave stones. So we wrapped around and headed towards the enterance again.

Suddenly I just stopped.

"I'm looking here." I got out. Wendy went up ahead and we were looking in different rows. Suddenly Wendy shouted out "Melanie Chantelle Smith!! We found her!!" I ran towards her excited and happy. Wendy and I jumped around and hugged.

I turned towards my sister.

I came up to her little grave stone and knelt down.

"Hello Melanie. Your big sister is here." I started to cry."Sorry it took so long."

 As I stared at her little plot I thought about the day she was put here. In 1976 the beautiful tree that shades her grave was probably a little sapling. My family was all here, surrounding her grave and saying goodbye. My mom and dad probably holding each other. My aunts and uncles and family were surrounding them in love. Jason and I weren't there.

To choose to put your child in Babyland, you knowingly place them there knowing you will never be beside them. Only babies are here. My parents knew then, that they wouldn't be back.

34 years later, on a muggy summer day, her sister has arrived. I stood up and walked back to my van, in there I had 4 flowers, one representing each member of her family.

A lily. Beautiful delicate and elegant like my mom. I placed it on her grave and said " This was mom, she was beautiful and lovely like this flower, she was delicate like this flower too, she couldn't come back here, her heart was too sad. I guess she is with you now, let her mother you she is good at it."

An Iris. "This flower is like dad, it can withstand a snow storm and remain tall and strong. It is beautiful holds strong in any garden. You would have loved Dad. He is funny and loveable. I think you would have been his favorite, he held you alot when you where here. He was the one who would expand your lungs so you could breathe and it hurt you, and it hurt him. He held you lots to comfort your pain, to show you love. Losing you after fighting so hard to keep you, changed him. Visiting you was too hard. He loves you still. He calls me every year to remind me of your birthday. He would have driven you crazy too...just sayin.

Green spazy flower. Jason. "No idea what this flower is but its crazy and fun and funny, like Jason. He was the best brother a girl could have asked for. Thinking of him as a big brother is weird, but I am sure he would have flown kites with you, played with you and made you laugh. His speciality. I'm sure you're together now and he is loving you, I envy you. He is irreplaceable.

Gerber Daisy. Me. Well its a pretty flower and bright and it looks like a single flower but its actually made up of many to form one. That is pretty much me. I would have probably played with you and made you and Jason join in all my schemes. We would have been grounded together, spanked together and in our rooms together. I would have been a master at sign language because communicating with you would have been important to me.

I stood up and signed I love you against my chest.

"Melanie this is Wendy. She was born on month to the day after you. Looking at her I see what you would have been like as a woman, at 34. It blows my mind to see what it would have been like to know you as a grown up. I wish I could have seen you like this. Wendy is a great sister to me. I feel like you sent her to me, knowing I needed one. I have more sisters to bring, so I will be back."


I will be back. To this place with the beautiful tree and the rolling hills. Peaceful.

Wendy and I got back into the van. We drove back in silence. She asked how I was feeling and I wasn't sure yet.

We got back to our room and ripped off the yucky top comforter and laid in our beds.

"What are you feeling right now Raq?" Wendy asked softly.

"I..." I hesitated.

"Say it Raquel. Just talk with your heart"

" I wish I wasn't the only surviving child." I sobbed. "I'm not good enough. Look at what I am? I'm nothing. I haven't done anything amazing, I have screwed up my entire life.  I shouldn't be the only one. My parents deserved something better to be their legacy. Anything would have been better than me!!" Tears rolled down the side of my face and wet the pillow under my head.

Wendy sat up. She looked shocked to hear that from me.

"Are you not reselient, loving and kind like your mom? Are you not strong, smart and funny like your dad? Do you think that you would have survived this life of yours if you weren't the very best of your parents Raquel? How can someone, that has survived what you have survived, how can someone that has done this all alone, say they are nothing? How can you say that Raquel? How?"

"I just do Wen, I don't see the good in me. I don't see that I am something special. I only see the destruction. The destruction I caused, for me, for my children, for my family. That is all I am, destruction."

I sat up to blow my nose. I couldn't breathe. I was completly over come with my self hatred.

Wendy and I both laid down on the beds again.

"Your more than you think, Raquel. You aren't the only one to blame here. When you were free falling, where were your parents?"

"They lost a son!!" I cried "They couldn't deal with me and my shit."

"They HAD a daughter too." she said quietly.

"Yeah, me, worthless, nothing me. I would ignore me too!!" I said.

The stillness of the room was deafening.

Wendy sat up again. "Raquel I have known you for 10 years and you are my best friend,  but I have never seen you, REALLY seen you until today, raw, sad and alone. I never understood the alone. I see the alone now. You were truely alone." Her eyes were shining with tears.

"Yeah...I was. Not anymore though." I whispered sitting up and taking Wendy's hands.

"Not anymore." Wendy repeated.

Join the Club

One-half of all Canadian women have experienced at least one incident of violence since the age of 16



Almost one-half of women reported violence by men known to them and one-quarter reported violence by a stranger


One-quarter of all women have experienced violence at the hands of their current or past marital partner (includes common-law unions)


One-in-six currently married women reported violence by their spouses; one-half of women with previous marriages reported violence by a previous spouse


More than one-in-ten women who reported violence in a current marriage have at some point felt their lives were in danger

I am ALL of these statistics.
This is something that I have been quiet about for a long time. I was ashamed that someone like me, strong, smart, athletic and blessed, could be the victim of domestic violence. I have learned a lot about it since leaving my violent marriage, these women don't stay because they are weak, they stay because they believe that they don't deserve more than what they have.

Over the years I was with HIM, I gave up more and more of myself. I quit school, because it was too hard with a child (16) I remember calling HIM to come to my school to come get Trevor because he was sick again and couldn't go to daycare. He always told me how much more important his education was compared to mine. "Your only in grade 10, I'm in grade 12 and can't miss school." he would say and hang up on me. I would beg, because I would be missing an important exam or test and he wouldn't care. I eventually barely passed a couple of my subjects and bombed the others. My parents, who already thought I was a loser being a teen parent, were disappointed but not suprized, after all, Raquel is reckless, unaccountable, and selfish. I didn't want them to hate HIM. It was hard enough having them not trust me and ashamed of me, I couldn't let them hate him too. So when they inquired about why I missed so many classes, I would tell them I skipped because I was tired, or that Trevor was sick and I had to go home. They would lecture me about being irresponsible and point out that I CHOSE to keep this child and I CHOSE the hard road. I sure did. But I didn't make this decision alone, yet I was the only one expected to live with the consequences.

Grade 12 graduation quickly approached for HIM. I was excited because then he could maybe help more and I would finish my school. My school was also getting ready for graduation. I had some great friends that were graduation that year and I was asked to go with a really great friend. I asked HIM and he didn't have a problem with it, or so I thought. I went to the graduation with all my friends, I was having a great time and mentioned I couldn't wait for HIS graduation because I was going to buy a really pretty dress. One of the friends at the table, who was a great friend of HIM said "He isn't taking you, he has already asked another girl to his grad"
"HE wouldn't!!" I cried. "You must have misunderstood, HE would never do that!"
"Ok" said the friend "But I know he asked her because I was there"

The whole world spun around, I stumbled up from my dinner table, and rushed to a phone.
He wasn't answering. I called again and again and again. The cold truth was icing my heart. No please don't let this be happening.

Somehow I got home. I got undressed and went to bed. Tomorrow he will explain the mistake. Tomorrow he will make it all better.
The next morning, from my homeroom class I called him. He answered.

"Hey, where were you last night??" I asked, scared for the answer.

"Out." he said

"Where?"

"None of your business." he sneered
"What do you mean it's none of my business?" I said, starting to get choked up.

"You heard me, NONE OF YOUR F_cking business."

"Just answer me this, then, are you taking someone else to your grad?" My mind was racing, please say no, please say no.

"Yep." he said smugly.
"WHAT!!!? How can you do that? I am the mother of your child, my parents paid for you to get there, I am your girlfriend!!"
"I guess you should have thought about that before you went out with (NAME OF GRAD DATE HERE)"

"He is my friend, I asked you and you said fine!" I cried.

"Yeah you knew I was pissed, and yet you still did it!!" He yelled.

"NO I honestly didn't think you would mind. He is my friend, he didn't have a date, I explained that to you. You said fine!!" I sobbed. By now the room was silent and listening to my conversation. HIS friend that told me that night was snickering across the room.
"Well then your f--king stupid, I have to go"

"Noooo noooo please, come here pick me up so we can talk about this...please...I beg please!!!"

"Fine. Be in front of the school in half an hour"

"Ok" I said, and shakily hung up the phone.

Half an hour later, he picked me up. We drove to a park not too far from the school. I couldn't 't go to far with Trevor in the daycare at school.

HE pulled over. "Well what do you have to say?" he said.

"You can't do this!! We chose to be a family we..."

HE freaked out. "WE DECIDED TO BE A FAMILY HUH? THEN WHY ARE YOU A WHORE AND GOING OUT WITH OTHER MEN??!"
" I asked you if I could...I thought you understood he was my friend!!! I thought you understood!!" I cried and reached out to grab him to make him understand, and then BANG. I got hit across the side of my face, with a fist. I reeled back, not sure what happened. I slumped against the passenger door and laid there dazed.

"Holy shit, you freaking hit me!!" I shouted.
"Shut the f_ck up!" he snarled. I sat up and was ready to fight.

"No man hits me like that you piece of crap" I grabbed his hair and yanked with everything I had. He punched me again, and again and again and I let go of this hair and shielded my head from the continuous blows. Soon I couldn't hear, my skull was screaming and I couldn't think.

Silence.

I was sobbing, huddled against the passenger door. Dizzy, scared and tired. My head was swimming. FIGHT!! FIGHT FIGHT my mind was telling me, he will kill you if you don't fight. With whatever I had left in me I sat up and looked over at HIM. His eyes where wild, he looked ready to strike again. I wanted him to strike again, I wanted him to kill me, I wanted to die that day. No one gives a shit about me anymore. I'm a loser, not worth anything. No one loves me anymore. So I sat up straighter and said something to provoke him.

"I dare you to go to that grad with that whore, because I will make sure to be there and attack her and make her into a bloody pulp, you forget I know where everything is happening. You forget I know how to kick some ass, you forget who I was before all this. I know how to fight, and I will make her mincemeat."

I closed my eyes, wanting the end to come, and it did. I was beaten black, my back my sides, my face my head my throat from him strangling me, bite marks all over my body from his frustrated bites. I was hammered on for at least an hour. I must have blacked out for a while, because when I opened my eyes I was in the back seat. The pain was unreal, I couldn't hear from my right ear. I was dizzy and sick, I wanted to throw up. And I was covered in my own urine. I tried to open my eyes, but they were already swelling shut.
I moaned from the intense pain from my ribcage as I tried to sit up. Where was he? I turned my face to look at the front seat, he was there, panting from the excursion of beating me. His eyes were still wild. They met mine in the rearview mirror.

"I f_cking hate you! " He yelled. " Look what you have done??!!"
"You have to take me to the hospital. I think I've got some cracked ribs" I moaned. "Please ...please take me to the hospital?" I cried through swollen lips.

"I can't freaking take you to the hospital! They will call the cops and have me arrested. They have to by law, report a suspected domestic! You f_cking knew that you .." he starts hitting me again, I reach out to stop him but grabbing his face. I dug my nails in to make him stop. He bites me on the arm again. I fall back in the back seat and he reaches over and grabs my hair and pulls me up front. I don't remember how many more blows I took, it was a lot.

I think I blacked out again. We where driving. I woke up and started crying. "Where are you taking me? Please don't hurt me anymore, please just drop me off at the hospital, I'll lie, I'll tell everyone I got into an accident, please just drop me off!!!" I screamed.

He kept driving, didn't even look at me. HE was fuming and I was scared he was taking me some where to kill me. "Please don't do this, please just drop me off, I will cover for you, I have before. Please drop me off."

" I AM YOU F-CKING B_TCH. I will never be a cop thanks to you, thanks to you my whole life is ruined." He yelled.

He hit me a few more times while driving. I didn't feel them. I couldn't feel anymore.

We got to the hospital. He stopped the engine. We sat in the parking lot. "GO" He said "Go f_ck up my life"

I can't do this, my mind screamed. Your the one not worth anything, HE has a chance, he will become something, if you don't tell, if you just cover for him. if you save him.

"G, just take me back to the school, I will pick up Trevor and go home. I will make something up to my mom. I will just cover this." I saw the darkness coming, I knew I was going to pass out. I croaked out one more thing before I did "Just let me fix this"

I woke up on the busy road heading towards my school. I was so scared. I had no idea if he was going to let me go or not. I tried for the door to fall out of the car, he saw what I was doing and pulled me by the hair and hit me on the back of the head. "Use your head!!" He yelled. "Your not jumping out of this car" We drove some more in silence. I passed out again.

Woke up in the parking lot of the 7-11 near my school. I tried the door and it opened. There were lots of people every where so HE let me go. I stumbled my way all the way to the school. I got inside and limped down the hall. I saw the darkness come over me, "Please don't pass out yet, you have to get to safety, please just a little further." I passed out in the middle of the main hallway of our school.

I woke up surrounded by students and the principal of the school. "Raquel? Raquel? Wake up!" I looked around. I was safe!! I was safe.

I was ushered to the office, where I was given ice for my face and arm that was full of bruises. My head was spinning. I threw up. The police were called. I gave a statement. A friend was called to come get me. I was too ashamed to call my mom or dad. More crap for them to be disappointed with. I was taken home first. My mom got really upset, "Why would he do this? Why Raquel?" I didn't have an answer. I wasn't sure what happened.

My friend took me to the hospital, I had a concussion and bruised ribs and multiple bite marks. Pictures where taken and processing was done. I was sent home with instructions on how to take care of my wounds. I got home, my dad was home at this time. He met me at the door, and he said "Are you a masochist? You like this kind of attention? This is what you want?"

"No" I croaked. I just wanted to lay down, I needed to sleep, I won't tell my mom I have a concussion so I can fall asleep forever.
My friend spoke up. "She has a concussion, she needs to be woken up throughout the night"
Traitor !!I thought.

I went to my room, I think my parents were saying things. My mom took some more pictures of my body, of all the bruises, the bites. I got into my pjs and laid my head down and fell asleep.
Over the next months I wasn't allowed contact with HIM. He was told to stay away from me. He didn't call even for Trevor, he didn't have any communication at all. Eventually, just before court we got back together. I asked the prosecutor to drop the charges. He can't drop domestic abuse charges but he pleaded down from Assault causing bodily harm to common assault and HE got one year probation. He asked the court to lock the records eventually when he turned 18 so he would have a chance to become a cop someday. The few cops that were in the court room rolled tier eyes and chuckled. There was no way he would pass the lie detector to make it as a city cop. They new that. HE knew that.

From that day on, I made it a point to present HIM as the best possible person to everyone. I berated myself when we made mistakes so no one would think poorly of him. I gave up going to school, so he could work and finish his electrical school. My parents believed in him, in this great person I built him up to be, and they helped him get through school. Shortly after we got back together, the abuse started again, when he found out I was pregnant again. The abuse continued throughout the pregnancy. I hid it all. The abuse. The pregnancy. Everything. In the back of my head, if I just pretended it wasn't happening, then maybe it would all go away.

It never did.

It still continues today, through our children, he still gets to me.

He will always have me.

I hope, by sharing this, he loses some of the power he has over me. The secret we have between us, isn't a secret anymore.

I won't be afraid of him now. His power is my weakness. If I believe I am worthless and a loser, then he will always rein over me. Today I take that back. My power, myself.

Like my cousin Michelle pointed out to me, maybe HE is the President and others are the co-chair people and share holders of the Raquel Hate Club, but...I.... I ... am the founder.

Starting today, and for everyday after this. I will learn to love me, and start a new club.

I will start a club that loves me, and I will be President, CEO and Soul share holder.

Where to start?

Yikes.


The above mentioned events is the  honest, personal account of the writer. Any parties involved have had names removed to protect their identitys.

:)

TIME OUT!!

I have been on a lot of sports teams, when the team is just sucking the coach calls a time out and the team gathers around and the coach yells at them to get in the game.

I want a time out. I want to gather my team, who is struggling, and get some motivation from each other and start playin well again.

I would also like a pentalty box. When someone breaks a rule they get 2 minutes for roughing, lying, crying, cheating, stealing, being mean, ect.

Oh yeah!! You just lipped your mom off, two minutes for lipping. In the box. Back talk...two more minutes in the box.

I also need a guru. Some smart man on a mountain ( laundry mountain, in my house) who I can go to and get some advice on all the crap that isn't in the manuals that come with children, friends, parents, in-laws, spouses, neighbours and yourself.

Hey Guru, how do you take a doll head out of a toilet to unclog it? How do you tell your friends you actually hate when they comment on my messy house? How do you tell people they are insensitive assholes, without saying they are insensitive assholes? How do you control a wild teenager? How do you get nail polish out of hair? Do you HAVE to be nice to your elders? How do you motivate people to just give a crap about cooking, cleaning and taking care of what they have? Come on Guru!! HELP ME!!!!

I think the Guru would quit in a week. No notice.

Guru aren't dependable like that.

I feel like I am expected to be everything. I know that all moms feel this way but damn it, that isn't right!!!

Raising a family is a group effort. Everyone should be helping each other. We are all, over worked, under appreciated and not living well.

I CALL A TIME OUT!!!!!

*crickets creaking*

Ok team gather around.

Listen to me, there has to be a better way. Can we work together and make a better play? Just ask for help if you can't make the play by yourself. Call it. BE honest and ask. Worst thing that can happen is a no. But maybe someone else can suggest another plan. Look, I am crazy busy, but if I can have a break at a later date I can take on more for now.

For instance: Drop your kids off at my place, quite honestly I probably won't notice. Call me when you have a shortage of milk or sugar or if you need helping icing a cake ( um actually I am horrible at crafting I would choose someone else) But if you need someone to sound off to about a horrible ex or if you need a speech written...I'm your girl. Ask and ye shall recieve. Lonely? Call. Sad. Call. Happy. Call. Needing a break....CALL!!

We all think it's a weakness to ask for help, I think its a strength. To know your limits and ask for help. The weakness is NOT helping. Scared to put yourself out there to help is unacceptible. GET IN THE GAME!

If I can step outside my wild life so can everyone else. You think you can't but you can. The greatest thing is when you start giving, the recieving comes with it, hand in hand.

I am saying this right now, I need some heros right now. My life is kinda topsy turvy and I could use someone to step in and pick something to help me with, one of your talents to use to get me to a place where I can manage again.

I need someone to help me. Even if it is to straighten out my head and to re-process my priorities. I think ALL of us need help in some way.

So I am calling a TIME OUT and we are all having a meeting at my place and getting in the game.

Message me on facebook if you would like to join.

Wine, pop, juice, snacks and a lot of conversation.


 Lets get this team winning again.