Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Quick Blog
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make your vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down
by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Forever Fluffy.
I will be forever Fluffy.
No, I haven't quit my weight-loss journey. I just came to realize that although I am heading towards a happier healthier me, I will always be forever Fluffy.
Being Fluffy has changed me for life. This fluffy suit is the sole reason I am still on this planet. Fluffy came to me at a time that I couldn't feel anymore. I was numb with loss and shame. She stood up from that bathroom floor I was laying on and said" I will take care of you now. I'm sensitive, impulsive, irresponsible and chaotic, but I will keep you going, until you remember who you are without me."
I was more than happy to take a back burner to my life. Sure, Fluffy came in and ate what she wanted, she acted like an impulsive clown, she made some horrible decisions, she made some great ones too, and I didn't care. I didn't want to engage in it anymore. Sure I saw the pounds keep rollin on. I saw my life spinning out of control and I let the destruction continue. I hated me, I hated my life and I certainly didn't want the reins of my complicated life anymore. As I became more Fluffy and less me, I started to forget who I was before Fluffy came into my life. She became me. No ambition, no dreams, no heartbeat, just someone that filled the void inside me.
Then this year, I woke from my grief-induced coma, and took my first breath. I looked around me, I looked at me; at Fluffy, and saw what she really is. Although she looks fluffy, and soft and weak, she is stronger than anyone I know. She faced my life, made tough decisions, ate to keep me alive, ate to fill the emptiness, she wore a fluffy suit that told the world" I am hurting...do something!!" The world doesn't see the fluffy suit as a protective armour from pain, or an actual burden carried for everyone to see. They see it as something to get rid of and hide and be ashamed of. Fluffy displayed that and was judged and condemned and yet she carried on.
She is the better part of me. I am humbled to have met her, to stand in her shoes and feel her strength and pain. If I had never stepped into this fluffy suit, I would never have learned this lesson about my fluffy friends. That they are warriors, fighting in a society that condemns them, tries to cure them and mocks the attempts they make to survive. If I never met Fluffy, I wouldn't have been blessed with this new found respect for all those survivors out there. Nor would I decide to be an advocate for them, stand up and fight for my fluffy friends.
If it wasn't for Fluffy, I wouldn't be here.
Even though the layers of this fluffy suit are coming off, and I am stepping back into my life, I will never be the girl I was before I met Fluffy. I will never be as hard as I was before, Never will I see just a Fluffy person. From now on, I see someone carrying hurt, abuse, and judgement and I will be humbled to witness such survival, endurance and resilience.
I will keep the best of Fluffy with me.
Her unwavering desire to live.
Her achievement in survival.
And.
(sob)
Her unconditional love of me.
Her unconditional love of me.
No, I haven't quit my weight-loss journey. I just came to realize that although I am heading towards a happier healthier me, I will always be forever Fluffy.
Being Fluffy has changed me for life. This fluffy suit is the sole reason I am still on this planet. Fluffy came to me at a time that I couldn't feel anymore. I was numb with loss and shame. She stood up from that bathroom floor I was laying on and said" I will take care of you now. I'm sensitive, impulsive, irresponsible and chaotic, but I will keep you going, until you remember who you are without me."
I was more than happy to take a back burner to my life. Sure, Fluffy came in and ate what she wanted, she acted like an impulsive clown, she made some horrible decisions, she made some great ones too, and I didn't care. I didn't want to engage in it anymore. Sure I saw the pounds keep rollin on. I saw my life spinning out of control and I let the destruction continue. I hated me, I hated my life and I certainly didn't want the reins of my complicated life anymore. As I became more Fluffy and less me, I started to forget who I was before Fluffy came into my life. She became me. No ambition, no dreams, no heartbeat, just someone that filled the void inside me.
Then this year, I woke from my grief-induced coma, and took my first breath. I looked around me, I looked at me; at Fluffy, and saw what she really is. Although she looks fluffy, and soft and weak, she is stronger than anyone I know. She faced my life, made tough decisions, ate to keep me alive, ate to fill the emptiness, she wore a fluffy suit that told the world" I am hurting...do something!!" The world doesn't see the fluffy suit as a protective armour from pain, or an actual burden carried for everyone to see. They see it as something to get rid of and hide and be ashamed of. Fluffy displayed that and was judged and condemned and yet she carried on.
She is the better part of me. I am humbled to have met her, to stand in her shoes and feel her strength and pain. If I had never stepped into this fluffy suit, I would never have learned this lesson about my fluffy friends. That they are warriors, fighting in a society that condemns them, tries to cure them and mocks the attempts they make to survive. If I never met Fluffy, I wouldn't have been blessed with this new found respect for all those survivors out there. Nor would I decide to be an advocate for them, stand up and fight for my fluffy friends.
If it wasn't for Fluffy, I wouldn't be here.
Even though the layers of this fluffy suit are coming off, and I am stepping back into my life, I will never be the girl I was before I met Fluffy. I will never be as hard as I was before, Never will I see just a Fluffy person. From now on, I see someone carrying hurt, abuse, and judgement and I will be humbled to witness such survival, endurance and resilience.
I will keep the best of Fluffy with me.
Her unwavering desire to live.
Her achievement in survival.
And.
(sob)
Her unconditional love of me.
Her unconditional love of me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
The Gift.
Trying to lose weight before you have healed is a bad idea. You will get some weight off but as soon as you feel scared or lost you will go back to your old ways of "filling" yourself.
I have lost weight, there is no question. I am sure the weight I lost was the grief. I finally took some time to grieve my family and with that came off some weight. It came off my life burden. It felt great.
Then the weight loss stopped.
My body was telling me that I needed to rest, it said something big is about to happen and you will need a great amount of strength to manage it. I grew very fearful. Please don't let something terrible happen, please.
I rested, and ate (better choices) and I listened for the change that awaited me.
During this rest period, my soul sisters and I were communicating and finding out things about each other. We decided to ask each other some questions about who we really are vs what is perceived about us. I told one of my sisters I always thought she had this weird schedule that she LIVED by.
She laughed and said she wishes she was that organized and its cool that I would think that. HAHA.
I then said I was afraid to say some things around her because she was very religious. She smiled and said, why do you think I'm super religious? I told her it was because she always gave religious cards for occasions.
She again laughed and said she thought the messages were great and something to share.
I said "I don't read them. I act like I am, but I'm not."
"Why" she asked.
"I read most of those token quotes in my time in Catholic School, it got old."
"Those Catholic Schools sure ruined a lot of good stuff" She said.
"Yeah" I muttered.
The truth is I didn't like the topic of religion, not many of us do. It is the cause of more arguments and wars than any other topic.
As most of you know, I stopped talking to God because we had a deal, and I felt, he broke our relationship. I couldn't speak to him, I couldn't voice my pain so I chose utter silence.
Skip ahead a few weeks. My cousin was celebrating Confirmation. (Catholic for confirming your dedication to the Catholic Church)
I went because she is very important to me, and I remember my own Confirmation. It was a special day.
The Bishop was in attendance, I knew this was going to be a long day at the Church. I settled in to stare off into space. No way I'm listening. I am respectful in Church, I do the motions, I always sing, I try to "look" Catholic, but I never let it seep in. "Deals over God."
The Bishop came in, with the cane thingy and the big hat. I watched the procession and started obsessing about how hot it was in there. I could also smell burgers cooking for the BBQ to celebrate after the ceremony. MMMM burgers. I like Church today. :)
The usual praying and announcements and ...stuff started out. I stared into space, wondering how come the songs were in two languages. Huh?...ohhhh I see this church has a large diversity. Cool.
I was busy doing my usual sits, prayers, bows when it became time to listen to the Bishops Eulogy. I remember sighing and thinking " Here we go, boring none interesting crap."
Then he got my attention. He was talking about a parrot, that lost its voice because a woman accidentally vacuumed him up while cleaning his cage. We all laughed, but then he said the words that caught me, the bird stopped singing, and stopped talking because of the trauma.
I understood this bird.
I was listening.
"This better be good priest." I thought.
Then it was. He went on to explain that this life is full of terrible things that happen to you. That you will lose people, and lose hope..even faith, you will feel alone, in your terror and your fear and turn away from all of it. Yet, because you are here, because you are life, you are precious. You deserve better than this sorrow, pain and fear. You are a gift worth living for.
I teared up. I am a gift worth living for.
He went on to say that you are not alone. Never are. You just have to ask for help. Put it out there that you require guidance and love and support and it will come to you. Call it praying, the secret, the law of attraction whatever your belief system is, but know that you are being heard. You are loved and protected by your own beautiful self and a whole entity that believes in your worthiness and greatness.
BUT. ( there is always a but)
You need to speak. Or believe. Or sing.
You need to put it into action,all that love, and fulfillment and worthiness is inside you, to share and spread, deliver and receive.
Do onto others, as you would have done onto you.
If you believe in anything, you need to believe that you are special and a true gift and precious...mostly precious.
I got that message. So I decided to pray, makes it easier for me to just be general so I closed my eyes and I sang.
" I need your grace. To remind me, of how to feel." Yes the song Chasing Cars. Its been playing in my head over and over and I knew I needed to say those words. So I did. I need grace. I need to feel and I need grace from the shame.
I had no idea when I would be answered, I didn't even care but putting it out there, my need, I felt like I let go of a huge burden.
I went home and weighed myself. Nope. It wasn't actually weight, just the feeling of weight.
ARGH. AND my body is still telling me to rest, because the best is yet to come.
Because, I spoke again and asked.
Because I believe I'm a gift and I am precious.
I have lost weight, there is no question. I am sure the weight I lost was the grief. I finally took some time to grieve my family and with that came off some weight. It came off my life burden. It felt great.
Then the weight loss stopped.
My body was telling me that I needed to rest, it said something big is about to happen and you will need a great amount of strength to manage it. I grew very fearful. Please don't let something terrible happen, please.
I rested, and ate (better choices) and I listened for the change that awaited me.
During this rest period, my soul sisters and I were communicating and finding out things about each other. We decided to ask each other some questions about who we really are vs what is perceived about us. I told one of my sisters I always thought she had this weird schedule that she LIVED by.
She laughed and said she wishes she was that organized and its cool that I would think that. HAHA.
I then said I was afraid to say some things around her because she was very religious. She smiled and said, why do you think I'm super religious? I told her it was because she always gave religious cards for occasions.
She again laughed and said she thought the messages were great and something to share.
I said "I don't read them. I act like I am, but I'm not."
"Why" she asked.
"I read most of those token quotes in my time in Catholic School, it got old."
"Those Catholic Schools sure ruined a lot of good stuff" She said.
"Yeah" I muttered.
The truth is I didn't like the topic of religion, not many of us do. It is the cause of more arguments and wars than any other topic.
As most of you know, I stopped talking to God because we had a deal, and I felt, he broke our relationship. I couldn't speak to him, I couldn't voice my pain so I chose utter silence.
Skip ahead a few weeks. My cousin was celebrating Confirmation. (Catholic for confirming your dedication to the Catholic Church)
I went because she is very important to me, and I remember my own Confirmation. It was a special day.
The Bishop was in attendance, I knew this was going to be a long day at the Church. I settled in to stare off into space. No way I'm listening. I am respectful in Church, I do the motions, I always sing, I try to "look" Catholic, but I never let it seep in. "Deals over God."
The Bishop came in, with the cane thingy and the big hat. I watched the procession and started obsessing about how hot it was in there. I could also smell burgers cooking for the BBQ to celebrate after the ceremony. MMMM burgers. I like Church today. :)
The usual praying and announcements and ...stuff started out. I stared into space, wondering how come the songs were in two languages. Huh?...ohhhh I see this church has a large diversity. Cool.
I was busy doing my usual sits, prayers, bows when it became time to listen to the Bishops Eulogy. I remember sighing and thinking " Here we go, boring none interesting crap."
Then he got my attention. He was talking about a parrot, that lost its voice because a woman accidentally vacuumed him up while cleaning his cage. We all laughed, but then he said the words that caught me, the bird stopped singing, and stopped talking because of the trauma.
I understood this bird.
I was listening.
"This better be good priest." I thought.
Then it was. He went on to explain that this life is full of terrible things that happen to you. That you will lose people, and lose hope..even faith, you will feel alone, in your terror and your fear and turn away from all of it. Yet, because you are here, because you are life, you are precious. You deserve better than this sorrow, pain and fear. You are a gift worth living for.
I teared up. I am a gift worth living for.
He went on to say that you are not alone. Never are. You just have to ask for help. Put it out there that you require guidance and love and support and it will come to you. Call it praying, the secret, the law of attraction whatever your belief system is, but know that you are being heard. You are loved and protected by your own beautiful self and a whole entity that believes in your worthiness and greatness.
BUT. ( there is always a but)
You need to speak. Or believe. Or sing.
You need to put it into action,all that love, and fulfillment and worthiness is inside you, to share and spread, deliver and receive.
Do onto others, as you would have done onto you.
If you believe in anything, you need to believe that you are special and a true gift and precious...mostly precious.
I got that message. So I decided to pray, makes it easier for me to just be general so I closed my eyes and I sang.
" I need your grace. To remind me, of how to feel." Yes the song Chasing Cars. Its been playing in my head over and over and I knew I needed to say those words. So I did. I need grace. I need to feel and I need grace from the shame.
I had no idea when I would be answered, I didn't even care but putting it out there, my need, I felt like I let go of a huge burden.
I went home and weighed myself. Nope. It wasn't actually weight, just the feeling of weight.
ARGH. AND my body is still telling me to rest, because the best is yet to come.
Because, I spoke again and asked.
Because I believe I'm a gift and I am precious.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The good stuff
During meditation, I have been traveling down memory lane. Man I live one funny life.
Here are some of my newly remembered hilarious moments.
In grade 6 I had a very bad cold, there was this guy in my class that I had a major crush on, he finally noticed me and I went to smile at him and breathed out my nose and blew a snot bubble. Awesome. I was called snot bubble girl most of that year.
I was at a friends party waiting in line for the bathroom when my friend shouted that her parents came home early and that we all had to jump from third storey balcony. I was spazing because I'm terrified of heights, but my boyfriend coaxed me by saying he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I finally jumped and landed on my rump with a big bang, I felt this warm sensation coming from between my legs and I freaked saying I had internal injuries, jumping up and down. My boyfriend calmed me down and had a look...to discover I peed my pants. Awesome.
Another time a guy asked me if I did oral sex. I said I had to get back to him. I went to my friend Sue and asked her what it meant. She said " Well Roach, oral means mouth and sex is ...well sex so it must mean talking dirty" OF COURSE!!! So I went back to the boy, and said " Hey, I would love to have oral sex." He grinned like he won the lottery. Then asked me when. I said right now is fine. He looked confused. I got nervous and said," well I will start if you want." He looked further confused and so I said "or you can?" He then said "Um...when?"
I said "Right now is fine" Then he blushed. "Here??!!" We had all our friends around us at a baseball game. "Yep sure. I'm not shy...hahaha are you?"
"So you want to give me a BJ in front of everyone?"
"WHAT NO!!! GROSS."
He then burst out laughing. " You don't know what oral sex is? Do you?"
"Well I do now, and you can beat it, pervert."
Awesome.
School mascot. I had a helper that was suppose to make sure I don't walk into anything or get beaten by children ( it happens folks watch your children, they are vicious, they bite too) Anyways, mine was trying to pick up a guy and wasn't any where in site. I decided to get on a railing and wave our flag, my big Griffen feet didn't fit very well and I fell 8 feet to the ground landing on my back, I was totally winded. I couldn't breathe or move and a little kid comes up and jumps up onto my belly. DOUBLE WINDED! Then he proceeds to loogie on my face area. Try catching your breathe in a hot, mean, smelly costume, isn't for the faint of heart. My "not" watcher, came running up and whipped the kid off me and whispered into my mask "Are you dead?"
"No" I croaked, "But you will be when I get out of this."
She left me.
Awesome.
Jason and I. Well pretty much everything we did together was stupid. LOL. But on this occasion we decided to smoke some teabags together. We heard about it some where. So we grab some teabags and some loose leaf paper and went outside to the shed, we took 5 whole bags and rolled them into a huge joint. We then decided we needed scotch tape to hold it together because licking it wasn't working.
LOL...omg I cant even continue because I'm laughing so much....anyways...Jason holds it up and sniffs along the length of it again and says "Let the good times begin"
I grinned and said, "I wonder how screwed up we're going to get?"
Wise guy Jason says " Who cares? Whats the worst that can happen?" We then looked around the shed. It had an ax, pruning sheers, gasoline, a lawn mower...many tools of carnage. We both started laughing, maybe we shouldn't do it in here.
"So Nell, what are our options? We do all our stupid stuff in this shed cuz if Dad catches us he will put his foot up our asses"
"Um, how about the Alley behind the Telus Store? It's close and we can hide if there's trouble."
"Perfect." Smiled Jay.
Gripping our prized possession we bike over to the Telus alley. Jason pulled out our Tea joint, and gives it another sniff. "What kind of tea did you grab?" He asked me.
" I don't give a shit! Tea is tea." I scoffed.
"Yeah, but if its mint, it might burn the inside of our nose!"
"Well you've been sniffing it, what does it smell like?!"
"Loose leaf and tape."
I sighed impatiently. "I don't care, lets do this."
"Alright fine. I'll start it. I swear Nell if it burns my nose hairs out, you will taste my wrath."
I rolled my eyes.
His wrath was embarrassing if anything.
"Do it!" I barked. I wanted to get it over with so we could get high and do stupid things.
Jason takes out his Zippo and holds the giant joint to his mouth. "This going to be awesome."
He puts the lighter up to the paper, and starts lighting it and puffing in. Over and over and over again.
"What's going on?" I said.
"Won't light." He gasped.
"Let me try." I huffed and puffed and tried and tried and nothing would get our magic joint to work.
"Well this is lame." Jason laughed.
I licked the sides of the joint. "I saw that on a movie, maybe it needs moisture." Tried again. It was worse.
Jason ripped open the joint and sniffed the tea bags. "Well, on the bright side...it was mint."
I laughed.
He laughed.
We went home.
Left our joint in the alley.
This last one will be in my book for sure. I've been playing with the idea of making the book a series. Book one will start with G. I think I will start with where my troubles started. When I met G, Jason was still alive, so it will touch on my relationship with him, and it will play out as it really did.
The second book will be about Jerry and losing my mom and the slow descent into dark. The choices I made and why and even if I never publish this book, it will help me cheer for myself and figure out how the bad decisions were made.
It is the single most therapeutic thing I am doing.
My story.
Hopefully it has a happy ending
...no wait!!!
It already does.
Here are some of my newly remembered hilarious moments.
In grade 6 I had a very bad cold, there was this guy in my class that I had a major crush on, he finally noticed me and I went to smile at him and breathed out my nose and blew a snot bubble. Awesome. I was called snot bubble girl most of that year.
I was at a friends party waiting in line for the bathroom when my friend shouted that her parents came home early and that we all had to jump from third storey balcony. I was spazing because I'm terrified of heights, but my boyfriend coaxed me by saying he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I finally jumped and landed on my rump with a big bang, I felt this warm sensation coming from between my legs and I freaked saying I had internal injuries, jumping up and down. My boyfriend calmed me down and had a look...to discover I peed my pants. Awesome.
Another time a guy asked me if I did oral sex. I said I had to get back to him. I went to my friend Sue and asked her what it meant. She said " Well Roach, oral means mouth and sex is ...well sex so it must mean talking dirty" OF COURSE!!! So I went back to the boy, and said " Hey, I would love to have oral sex." He grinned like he won the lottery. Then asked me when. I said right now is fine. He looked confused. I got nervous and said," well I will start if you want." He looked further confused and so I said "or you can?" He then said "Um...when?"
I said "Right now is fine" Then he blushed. "Here??!!" We had all our friends around us at a baseball game. "Yep sure. I'm not shy...hahaha are you?"
"So you want to give me a BJ in front of everyone?"
"WHAT NO!!! GROSS."
He then burst out laughing. " You don't know what oral sex is? Do you?"
"Well I do now, and you can beat it, pervert."
Awesome.
School mascot. I had a helper that was suppose to make sure I don't walk into anything or get beaten by children ( it happens folks watch your children, they are vicious, they bite too) Anyways, mine was trying to pick up a guy and wasn't any where in site. I decided to get on a railing and wave our flag, my big Griffen feet didn't fit very well and I fell 8 feet to the ground landing on my back, I was totally winded. I couldn't breathe or move and a little kid comes up and jumps up onto my belly. DOUBLE WINDED! Then he proceeds to loogie on my face area. Try catching your breathe in a hot, mean, smelly costume, isn't for the faint of heart. My "not" watcher, came running up and whipped the kid off me and whispered into my mask "Are you dead?"
"No" I croaked, "But you will be when I get out of this."
She left me.
Awesome.
Jason and I. Well pretty much everything we did together was stupid. LOL. But on this occasion we decided to smoke some teabags together. We heard about it some where. So we grab some teabags and some loose leaf paper and went outside to the shed, we took 5 whole bags and rolled them into a huge joint. We then decided we needed scotch tape to hold it together because licking it wasn't working.
LOL...omg I cant even continue because I'm laughing so much....anyways...Jason holds it up and sniffs along the length of it again and says "Let the good times begin"
I grinned and said, "I wonder how screwed up we're going to get?"
Wise guy Jason says " Who cares? Whats the worst that can happen?" We then looked around the shed. It had an ax, pruning sheers, gasoline, a lawn mower...many tools of carnage. We both started laughing, maybe we shouldn't do it in here.
"So Nell, what are our options? We do all our stupid stuff in this shed cuz if Dad catches us he will put his foot up our asses"
"Um, how about the Alley behind the Telus Store? It's close and we can hide if there's trouble."
"Perfect." Smiled Jay.
Gripping our prized possession we bike over to the Telus alley. Jason pulled out our Tea joint, and gives it another sniff. "What kind of tea did you grab?" He asked me.
" I don't give a shit! Tea is tea." I scoffed.
"Yeah, but if its mint, it might burn the inside of our nose!"
"Well you've been sniffing it, what does it smell like?!"
"Loose leaf and tape."
I sighed impatiently. "I don't care, lets do this."
"Alright fine. I'll start it. I swear Nell if it burns my nose hairs out, you will taste my wrath."
I rolled my eyes.
His wrath was embarrassing if anything.
"Do it!" I barked. I wanted to get it over with so we could get high and do stupid things.
Jason takes out his Zippo and holds the giant joint to his mouth. "This going to be awesome."
He puts the lighter up to the paper, and starts lighting it and puffing in. Over and over and over again.
"What's going on?" I said.
"Won't light." He gasped.
"Let me try." I huffed and puffed and tried and tried and nothing would get our magic joint to work.
"Well this is lame." Jason laughed.
I licked the sides of the joint. "I saw that on a movie, maybe it needs moisture." Tried again. It was worse.
Jason ripped open the joint and sniffed the tea bags. "Well, on the bright side...it was mint."
I laughed.
He laughed.
We went home.
Left our joint in the alley.
This last one will be in my book for sure. I've been playing with the idea of making the book a series. Book one will start with G. I think I will start with where my troubles started. When I met G, Jason was still alive, so it will touch on my relationship with him, and it will play out as it really did.
The second book will be about Jerry and losing my mom and the slow descent into dark. The choices I made and why and even if I never publish this book, it will help me cheer for myself and figure out how the bad decisions were made.
It is the single most therapeutic thing I am doing.
My story.
Hopefully it has a happy ending
...no wait!!!
It already does.
Our true worth.
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
However, if there is one flaw in women. . .
it is that they forget their true worth.
~Author Unknown ~
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
However, if there is one flaw in women. . .
it is that they forget their true worth.
~Author Unknown ~
Friday, April 15, 2011
Growing beautiful sometimes finds weeds.
So as I get some of this fluffy out of my fluffy suit, I'm discovering I am becoming intolerant to bullcrap.
I am pissed off to be honest.
I hate that I can't tell people off the way I want to, I might hurt their feelings,and that would hurt me. Yet I constantly have people disregard my feelings and tell me off and I take it. I don't defend myself, I get nervous and the Town Idiot comes out to play. I joke off the pain and I let them walk away satisfied they took a dig at me.
You call me your friend??!! I call you my friend?
Why? Because of my fear of being left and alone?
Because telling you to go screw yourself might have you leave me for life?
I HAVE HAD PEOPLE LEAVE ME FOR LIFE AND I SURVIVED IT!!
I WILL SURVIVE IT AGAIN.
Counting on my fears to give you free range to treat me like shit, is a bullcrap thing to do. You are terrible to do this to me. You need to stop and think for a minute what you are doing, to me. Making me fearful, your friend your sister, someone that believes in you and goes out of her way to give you the respect you deserve. Although now I question, what you deserve from me.
I do have a voice, although I don't tell you off at the time of your insult, I do change my relationship with you. I stop calling, I stop commenting on your life, I stop giving a shit. It is my self defense against hurtful, selfish and mean people. I can't relate to you if that is who you are.
Tear down someone to gain ground? Disgusting. Selfish. You should be ashamed of yourself, I am ashamed of you.
You are no sister of mine.
You could fix this, you won't.
So I am fixing this.
Weeding my garden.
I am pissed off to be honest.
I hate that I can't tell people off the way I want to, I might hurt their feelings,and that would hurt me. Yet I constantly have people disregard my feelings and tell me off and I take it. I don't defend myself, I get nervous and the Town Idiot comes out to play. I joke off the pain and I let them walk away satisfied they took a dig at me.
You call me your friend??!! I call you my friend?
Why? Because of my fear of being left and alone?
Because telling you to go screw yourself might have you leave me for life?
I HAVE HAD PEOPLE LEAVE ME FOR LIFE AND I SURVIVED IT!!
I WILL SURVIVE IT AGAIN.
Counting on my fears to give you free range to treat me like shit, is a bullcrap thing to do. You are terrible to do this to me. You need to stop and think for a minute what you are doing, to me. Making me fearful, your friend your sister, someone that believes in you and goes out of her way to give you the respect you deserve. Although now I question, what you deserve from me.
I do have a voice, although I don't tell you off at the time of your insult, I do change my relationship with you. I stop calling, I stop commenting on your life, I stop giving a shit. It is my self defense against hurtful, selfish and mean people. I can't relate to you if that is who you are.
Tear down someone to gain ground? Disgusting. Selfish. You should be ashamed of yourself, I am ashamed of you.
You are no sister of mine.
You could fix this, you won't.
So I am fixing this.
Weeding my garden.
Music to live by.
Since I have been spending a lot of time on the treadmill, I had to come up with a playlist that would keep me motivated to stay on there. For the first couple weeks I didn't have music because my Ipod broke so I was left watching the tv screens in the gym. BTW WHY do they have The Food Network on the TV's??!! Do they think it is like having a carrot on a string for us Fuffies??!! Anywho, I got sick of that and invested in an Iphone and now my music is driving me towards a better body, mind and soul. Most of the music is quick paced and really makes me feel like moving, other songs just remind me of where I have come from and how wonderful it is to get back my life.
Here is a few examples of songs and the meaning they have to me.
Madonna - I'll Remember. This song, reminds me how far I have come. I can remember the people I lost and be thankful for what they gave me. I am standing on my own now, I've got it from here. Crying, although I am afraid to do it, because I may never stop, is something I rejoice in. It means I had something so wonderful, so beautiful that thinking of it, brings such emotion and such love, that I cry remembering it. I am lucky to have had that, I am lucky to continue receiving that.
.Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
I learned
to let go
of the illusion that we can possess
I learned
to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember
happiness
I'll remember [I'll remember]
Mmmmm... [I'll remember]
Mmmmm...
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
No I've never been afraid to cry
AND I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
Can't imagine running to that, good cuz I don't. That is a song that I walk to, to warm up my body, my mind, my heart.
Another song that moves me is Do You Remember- Jay Sean. I make this song as if Slim is singing it to Fluffy, and Fluffy sings back. Crap ok...um like this
This one right here is for all the ladies
Ladies who want to take it back
(i don't know what Sean Paul said)
Holler at them Jay
SLIM IS SAYING THIS:
I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back
FLUFFY RESPONDS:
So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
SLIM Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
SLIM:
Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
SLIM AND FLUFFY:
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back
Bring it back, get this body back to what is was, make new memories and both of us can make this happen. Crazy? Maybe. But man, it get me moving.
F**king Perfect - Pink. If you know me, you know I freaking love Pink. No playlist would be complete without Pink on the play list. This song is self explanitory
.Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around...
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fxxkin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fxxkin' perfect to me
You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fxxkin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuxxin' perfect to me
The world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere
They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less then, fxxkin' perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you're fxxkin' perfect, to me
You're perfect
You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less then, fxxking perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you're fxxking perfect to me
So ya, that is pretty much me in a nutshell. Sorry about the swears, but...ummm well, sometimes it has to happen.
Here is a few examples of songs and the meaning they have to me.
Madonna - I'll Remember. This song, reminds me how far I have come. I can remember the people I lost and be thankful for what they gave me. I am standing on my own now, I've got it from here. Crying, although I am afraid to do it, because I may never stop, is something I rejoice in. It means I had something so wonderful, so beautiful that thinking of it, brings such emotion and such love, that I cry remembering it. I am lucky to have had that, I am lucky to continue receiving that.
.Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
I learned
to let go
of the illusion that we can possess
I learned
to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember
happiness
I'll remember [I'll remember]
Mmmmm... [I'll remember]
Mmmmm...
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
No I've never been afraid to cry
AND I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
Can't imagine running to that, good cuz I don't. That is a song that I walk to, to warm up my body, my mind, my heart.
Another song that moves me is Do You Remember- Jay Sean. I make this song as if Slim is singing it to Fluffy, and Fluffy sings back. Crap ok...um like this
This one right here is for all the ladies
Ladies who want to take it back
(i don't know what Sean Paul said)
Holler at them Jay
SLIM IS SAYING THIS:
I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back
FLUFFY RESPONDS:
So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
SLIM Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
SLIM:
Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
SLIM AND FLUFFY:
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back
Bring it back, get this body back to what is was, make new memories and both of us can make this happen. Crazy? Maybe. But man, it get me moving.
F**king Perfect - Pink. If you know me, you know I freaking love Pink. No playlist would be complete without Pink on the play list. This song is self explanitory
.Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around...
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fxxkin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fxxkin' perfect to me
You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fxxkin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuxxin' perfect to me
The world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere
They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less then, fxxkin' perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you're fxxkin' perfect, to me
You're perfect
You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less then, fxxking perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you're fxxking perfect to me
So ya, that is pretty much me in a nutshell. Sorry about the swears, but...ummm well, sometimes it has to happen.
Awakening
With all this research on health and nutrition I have discovered many things I never knew.
I had no idea what portion sizes were. I ate well over the natural potion sizes we ACTUALLY need. I always had this thing about taking enough so I wouldn't have to get back up and get more.
A fluffy person hates being seen eating most of the time, but to go up and get seconds...nightmare. So I learned to hoard my food so I would NEVER have to go up for seconds. ( I still did) Now, I am taking the proper portion, then relaxing enough to hear my body and how it feels about the food sitting inside my tummy and guess what?! I am full! EUREKA!
I learned I love to exercise, I want to hike and I look forward to getting back into some of my favorite sports. I love how amazing my body is at sports.
I have been logging my food and they are right, having a look at what you eat does make you accountable. I had no idea how many calories some foods have and more importantly for me, with my heart condition the sodium is unbelievable in the processed food. I am suppose to keep between 1000 to 1100 mg of Sodium a day and I have never been able to do it, because Sodium is everywhere and in everything. It is a silent killer too much sodium is like razor blades in your blood stream and slowly tears apart your system. Limiting it, has made me feel much better.
Every day is a baby step towards forever.
Peace.
I had no idea what portion sizes were. I ate well over the natural potion sizes we ACTUALLY need. I always had this thing about taking enough so I wouldn't have to get back up and get more.
A fluffy person hates being seen eating most of the time, but to go up and get seconds...nightmare. So I learned to hoard my food so I would NEVER have to go up for seconds. ( I still did) Now, I am taking the proper portion, then relaxing enough to hear my body and how it feels about the food sitting inside my tummy and guess what?! I am full! EUREKA!
I learned I love to exercise, I want to hike and I look forward to getting back into some of my favorite sports. I love how amazing my body is at sports.
I have been logging my food and they are right, having a look at what you eat does make you accountable. I had no idea how many calories some foods have and more importantly for me, with my heart condition the sodium is unbelievable in the processed food. I am suppose to keep between 1000 to 1100 mg of Sodium a day and I have never been able to do it, because Sodium is everywhere and in everything. It is a silent killer too much sodium is like razor blades in your blood stream and slowly tears apart your system. Limiting it, has made me feel much better.
Every day is a baby step towards forever.
Peace.
This is for me
I have said before and I will say again and again, every pound on my body is a pound of pain. I am not just working off the excess fat I am working off the excess baggage. Wanting to live again requires seeing all the positive things I'm here for. I also have to face and work out the fears and self hatred I have.
When I go to the gym it is the one thing in the world I do for myself. I go there for me, I am there for me, I'm accountable to only me. This is my personal journey, I write how it goes, I delegate this operation. So when people try to coordinate with me to go to the gym, I don't mind the company, but this is my time, and the company is mostly ignored. I can't be your coach your advisor or your companion. I am on that treadmill burning off all the years of sadness and loneliness and absolute fear. I cry often on that treadmill. I miss my old body, I love and respect this one and I run for my life. I RUN FOR MY LIFE.
This is my way of telling the people that go with me, that I am sorry if I am a little aloof. It isn't because I don't love and appreciate you and your courage to take on this journey. I am proud of you and I am excited for you. I want this for you too. However, I need to be in my own special place, inside my head, inside my heart and I need to work this out alone. So I am totally unaware of your journey beside me on that treadmill, your speeds, your incline, ect. I am only there for me.
Sorry.
No wait, I'm not sorry, I'm just doing it....my way.
Still love you though.
When I go to the gym it is the one thing in the world I do for myself. I go there for me, I am there for me, I'm accountable to only me. This is my personal journey, I write how it goes, I delegate this operation. So when people try to coordinate with me to go to the gym, I don't mind the company, but this is my time, and the company is mostly ignored. I can't be your coach your advisor or your companion. I am on that treadmill burning off all the years of sadness and loneliness and absolute fear. I cry often on that treadmill. I miss my old body, I love and respect this one and I run for my life. I RUN FOR MY LIFE.
This is my way of telling the people that go with me, that I am sorry if I am a little aloof. It isn't because I don't love and appreciate you and your courage to take on this journey. I am proud of you and I am excited for you. I want this for you too. However, I need to be in my own special place, inside my head, inside my heart and I need to work this out alone. So I am totally unaware of your journey beside me on that treadmill, your speeds, your incline, ect. I am only there for me.
Sorry.
No wait, I'm not sorry, I'm just doing it....my way.
Still love you though.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Fluffy Fitness
Let me tell you something about working out Fluffy, it isn't easy. First, finding sports bras that fit over your large boobs is like trying to find ocean front property in Saskatchewan. (Prairies for my American friends) I tried on dozens before I snapped and bought this white contraption that makes me have a large uni boob...awesome. Next is finding running shoes that don't suck the life out of your poor over burdened feet. THERE ISN'T A SHOE THAT MAKES YOU FLOAT...I looked. I'm still looking. SIGH.
My first few days on the dreaded treadmill were terrible. I could only go 2.5 and I was soaked with sweat. My ankles were packing their bags and ready to leave me, my hips and back thought that I was a cruel horrible monster that abuses poor innocent body parts After my half hour, I slithered off the treadmill and slimed my way to the change room, now I'm not sure if it is because I am fluffy and look approachable but as I was panting on the gym bench, staring at my locker and willing it to open itself,when a gym nymph sat down beside me and started talking to me about how proud she is of me, how she watched me lug it out on the treadmill and how proud I must be of myself. To be honest, I missed most of what she said because my ears were conducting a test of the emergency broadcasting system and my stomach was debating between a bag of cheese doodles or a box of Brownie cookies, as my just reward.
Suddenly it got quiet and I looked up at the Gym Nymph and she was smiling at me. I moistened my dry and pasty mouth and said the first thing that came to my mind "Do you know CPR?" Then I smiled. Even though I didn't know this woman, my natural humour kicked in and, in my own way, I thanked this kind Gym Nymph. She laughed and patted my leg and told me her name. (I can't remember it because my ears and the testing) I told her mine, and ever since, every time she sees me, she says Hi Raquel! You are amazing. I always answer with, Thanks! You too eh."
My goal is to learn her name, hers is to go as long on the treadmill as me. Hope it all works out.
I kept at it, everyday my body reacted better to the workout. I upped my speed to a 3.0 and added an incline. Next I added weights and started to see some muscle definition. I dropped 23 lbs and I was starting to feel great. I still feel great. I have to slow down a bit for now, my medications are out of wack because all these great choices have had a great impact on my health. My medications are in half now. I can climb the stairs without getting completely breathless. I can walk for a long time without getting tired. I can lift my 5 year old up and carry her up the stairs and even though I am still breathless, I can recover and tuck her into bed.
I am getting my health back. I am getting me back.
Everyday, after I work out, I sit on that same bench and bow my head and thank this body for loving me. For giving me one more chance to get it right, one more chance, to build this body into a healthy, happy and hopeful success.
This is it. My time to shine. (Probably from sweat and slime)
;)
My first few days on the dreaded treadmill were terrible. I could only go 2.5 and I was soaked with sweat. My ankles were packing their bags and ready to leave me, my hips and back thought that I was a cruel horrible monster that abuses poor innocent body parts After my half hour, I slithered off the treadmill and slimed my way to the change room, now I'm not sure if it is because I am fluffy and look approachable but as I was panting on the gym bench, staring at my locker and willing it to open itself,when a gym nymph sat down beside me and started talking to me about how proud she is of me, how she watched me lug it out on the treadmill and how proud I must be of myself. To be honest, I missed most of what she said because my ears were conducting a test of the emergency broadcasting system and my stomach was debating between a bag of cheese doodles or a box of Brownie cookies, as my just reward.
Suddenly it got quiet and I looked up at the Gym Nymph and she was smiling at me. I moistened my dry and pasty mouth and said the first thing that came to my mind "Do you know CPR?" Then I smiled. Even though I didn't know this woman, my natural humour kicked in and, in my own way, I thanked this kind Gym Nymph. She laughed and patted my leg and told me her name. (I can't remember it because my ears and the testing) I told her mine, and ever since, every time she sees me, she says Hi Raquel! You are amazing. I always answer with, Thanks! You too eh."
My goal is to learn her name, hers is to go as long on the treadmill as me. Hope it all works out.
I kept at it, everyday my body reacted better to the workout. I upped my speed to a 3.0 and added an incline. Next I added weights and started to see some muscle definition. I dropped 23 lbs and I was starting to feel great. I still feel great. I have to slow down a bit for now, my medications are out of wack because all these great choices have had a great impact on my health. My medications are in half now. I can climb the stairs without getting completely breathless. I can walk for a long time without getting tired. I can lift my 5 year old up and carry her up the stairs and even though I am still breathless, I can recover and tuck her into bed.
I am getting my health back. I am getting me back.
Everyday, after I work out, I sit on that same bench and bow my head and thank this body for loving me. For giving me one more chance to get it right, one more chance, to build this body into a healthy, happy and hopeful success.
This is it. My time to shine. (Probably from sweat and slime)
;)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I am an addict
My name is Raquel and I am a food addict.
I decided 6 days ago to embark on a journey towards self discovery, I wanted to know if I was truly a food addict.
I sure am.
I have been using food as an escape from reality. I have used it to mask feelings, to "fill myself" with food because I didn't feel "full". I felt like I was empty inside and of course I decided that food was what my body was craving. It never occurred to me that the empty feeling wasn't actual hunger for food but a hunger for love, acceptance and peace. I hungered for my brother back, I hungered for understanding from anyone and I hungered for a break from it all. I ate and ate and ate, and yet the emptiness continued. Until now.
I am full. I am an addict that has to make conscience awareness of my actions and I have to re-learn a life were food is sustenance not pleasure or escape. Every choice I make for the rest of my life has to be about being aware of what I am doing, because the addict in me wants me to eat until I feel euphoria as apposed to appetite. Until I understand the difference, I have to take all enjoyment out of food. Don't worry it's not forever, just until I know and understand the actually feeling of hunger vs empty. So far I have discovered that I'm not hungry very often. I have my planned meal times, snacks but because all of them entail tasteless blah, it isn't that often. I have began adding yummy foods back in, but portioned so I'm not in charge.
It helps me that my whole house hold is on board with this. My children know I am not in control with food. They watch me like a hawk. They don't bring crappy foods into my house. Thank God, I know I would attack someone right now.
At night seems to be my crazy time. That is when I obsess about food. I think I'm starving.
So lets analyze why I am so hungry at night.
Night time is when I have to wind down and rest my mind so I can sleep. I have never been a great sleeper, because my mind races and I think of all the days events and criticize myself. I can't stand listening to my mean mind so I eat and it goes away. AH HA!! Hummmmm. How to shut my mind up without food? Looking back, when I had a healthy relationship with food, I don't EVER remember eating after supper, maybe popcorn on the weekends but...nothing else really...what did I do then? Well as a teenager I was on the phone with my friends, laughing about stupid stuff, planning events, plotting outfits. Well that won't happen now. I would listen to music or watch TV. NOW when I watch TV I associate that with snacking so...that won't work right now.
Music? Listen to some great tunes that make me feel great, maybe that will shut up the critical voice in my head! I also plan to tell that voice off from time to time.
OR every time I start criticizing myself I do 10 crunches or push ups. I think soon it would shut up. Or I will die from lack of oxygen...what ever comes first. ;)
Tonight I will try this.
Food addiction is the hardest addiction to kick, I think, I still need to eat, but I have a bad relationship with food, so I have to teach myself coping techniques to survive. I can't go to restaurants, I can't be in charge of self serve at a buffet, I can't socially eat until I know the difference between hunger and filling a void. All addicts have to eventually live a some what normal life again, just with boundaries, to protect them from relapse.
From now on I have to be constantly aware of food, and my relationship with it. I can't be out of control around food, so activities about food have to change for me and my family, for life. This mean we all be aware of the addict in the family and not expect them to conform to a society that revolves around food. Christmas will just be different. Instead of all the food on the table with easy access we will have a buffet style dinner, and I will be in check, with my support person helping me make the choices. Hopefully for me, by Christmas, I will be in better control. Right now, no way I would hold back or be conscience of the amount of food I NEED instead of what I want. NO WAY.
Food Addiction is hard. Food Addiction is for life.
I am a Food Addict.
I decided 6 days ago to embark on a journey towards self discovery, I wanted to know if I was truly a food addict.
I sure am.
I have been using food as an escape from reality. I have used it to mask feelings, to "fill myself" with food because I didn't feel "full". I felt like I was empty inside and of course I decided that food was what my body was craving. It never occurred to me that the empty feeling wasn't actual hunger for food but a hunger for love, acceptance and peace. I hungered for my brother back, I hungered for understanding from anyone and I hungered for a break from it all. I ate and ate and ate, and yet the emptiness continued. Until now.
I am full. I am an addict that has to make conscience awareness of my actions and I have to re-learn a life were food is sustenance not pleasure or escape. Every choice I make for the rest of my life has to be about being aware of what I am doing, because the addict in me wants me to eat until I feel euphoria as apposed to appetite. Until I understand the difference, I have to take all enjoyment out of food. Don't worry it's not forever, just until I know and understand the actually feeling of hunger vs empty. So far I have discovered that I'm not hungry very often. I have my planned meal times, snacks but because all of them entail tasteless blah, it isn't that often. I have began adding yummy foods back in, but portioned so I'm not in charge.
It helps me that my whole house hold is on board with this. My children know I am not in control with food. They watch me like a hawk. They don't bring crappy foods into my house. Thank God, I know I would attack someone right now.
At night seems to be my crazy time. That is when I obsess about food. I think I'm starving.
So lets analyze why I am so hungry at night.
Night time is when I have to wind down and rest my mind so I can sleep. I have never been a great sleeper, because my mind races and I think of all the days events and criticize myself. I can't stand listening to my mean mind so I eat and it goes away. AH HA!! Hummmmm. How to shut my mind up without food? Looking back, when I had a healthy relationship with food, I don't EVER remember eating after supper, maybe popcorn on the weekends but...nothing else really...what did I do then? Well as a teenager I was on the phone with my friends, laughing about stupid stuff, planning events, plotting outfits. Well that won't happen now. I would listen to music or watch TV. NOW when I watch TV I associate that with snacking so...that won't work right now.
Music? Listen to some great tunes that make me feel great, maybe that will shut up the critical voice in my head! I also plan to tell that voice off from time to time.
OR every time I start criticizing myself I do 10 crunches or push ups. I think soon it would shut up. Or I will die from lack of oxygen...what ever comes first. ;)
Tonight I will try this.
Food addiction is the hardest addiction to kick, I think, I still need to eat, but I have a bad relationship with food, so I have to teach myself coping techniques to survive. I can't go to restaurants, I can't be in charge of self serve at a buffet, I can't socially eat until I know the difference between hunger and filling a void. All addicts have to eventually live a some what normal life again, just with boundaries, to protect them from relapse.
From now on I have to be constantly aware of food, and my relationship with it. I can't be out of control around food, so activities about food have to change for me and my family, for life. This mean we all be aware of the addict in the family and not expect them to conform to a society that revolves around food. Christmas will just be different. Instead of all the food on the table with easy access we will have a buffet style dinner, and I will be in check, with my support person helping me make the choices. Hopefully for me, by Christmas, I will be in better control. Right now, no way I would hold back or be conscience of the amount of food I NEED instead of what I want. NO WAY.
Food Addiction is hard. Food Addiction is for life.
I am a Food Addict.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Detox
Well like all addicts I have to go into detox first.
Food is my drug of choice. When I feel lonely or angry or anything really I resort to food to make me feel better. So does anyone that is over weight, eating fills you up and makes that empty feeling go away.
I have to stop associating food with pleasure. I know what your thinking, why take pleasure out of eating, it will only make you hate yet another diet.
I AM NOT ON A DIET. I AM IN DETOX. Detox isn't pleasurable, it is a time when you get all the harmful drugs out of your system, you learn to associate food at the reality of what it is, it is a means to fuel your body and keep you healthy. I have taken that association away.
As babies we are taught to eat solid foods, but adding one thing at a time to figure out if they can tolerate it. In recovering from eating addiction we have to do the same thing. Get back to the basics. I have to take no pleasure in food for at least 2 weeks to I can build a normal relationship with food. I have to worry about getting proper nutrition and that is it. So everything that I put inside myself this week with be plain and tasteless. It will have all the nutritional values, but I won't get a pleasure hit from it.
All addictions are about taking pleasure from getting away from yourself and basking in the glow of avoidance. So when I eat a moist piece of chocolate cake I escape to a place that gives me pleasure and leave from my natural state of panic.
We all have a natural state of panic. Worry about judgement, loneliness, other peoples problems, our own problems and escape is necessary sometimes, however a physical escape is better than a addictive one.
For two weeks, I will be writing on here my feelings and NOT enjoying it. I will be miserable, because detox is like that, and I will be whole for the first time in my life.
Detox....here I come.
Food is my drug of choice. When I feel lonely or angry or anything really I resort to food to make me feel better. So does anyone that is over weight, eating fills you up and makes that empty feeling go away.
I have to stop associating food with pleasure. I know what your thinking, why take pleasure out of eating, it will only make you hate yet another diet.
I AM NOT ON A DIET. I AM IN DETOX. Detox isn't pleasurable, it is a time when you get all the harmful drugs out of your system, you learn to associate food at the reality of what it is, it is a means to fuel your body and keep you healthy. I have taken that association away.
As babies we are taught to eat solid foods, but adding one thing at a time to figure out if they can tolerate it. In recovering from eating addiction we have to do the same thing. Get back to the basics. I have to take no pleasure in food for at least 2 weeks to I can build a normal relationship with food. I have to worry about getting proper nutrition and that is it. So everything that I put inside myself this week with be plain and tasteless. It will have all the nutritional values, but I won't get a pleasure hit from it.
All addictions are about taking pleasure from getting away from yourself and basking in the glow of avoidance. So when I eat a moist piece of chocolate cake I escape to a place that gives me pleasure and leave from my natural state of panic.
We all have a natural state of panic. Worry about judgement, loneliness, other peoples problems, our own problems and escape is necessary sometimes, however a physical escape is better than a addictive one.
For two weeks, I will be writing on here my feelings and NOT enjoying it. I will be miserable, because detox is like that, and I will be whole for the first time in my life.
Detox....here I come.
When I get in shape...
When I get in shape...
Every fluffy person has this dialog where we believe when we get thin the world will drastically change for us. Maybe it would change, but maybe all the things you are waiting for, you could achieve fluffy too.
Let me try this:
Statement: When I lose weight I will look stylish and beautiful.
Truth: I would look better in clothes. No lumps or bumps and I could bend over to tie my shoes without passing out from loss of oxygen. However I am good looking now and that won't change with a smaller size.
Statement: People will be nicer to me when I am thin.
Truth: Probably not. Because I am pretty cute, fluffy, people aren't threatened by me. When I was in great shape people constantly miss read me and took my humour wrong. I was judged by the cover, not the book.
Now people cozy up to me and stay for a good read. I love that.
However, there is some truth in this statement too. In general people are kinder to attractive people, not saying I am unattractive, but when you are overweight you are seen as less attractive and I have noticed that "skinnies" want an explanation for your large size, why do you get away with letting everything go and being lazy? Why do I work hard everyday to maintain a healthy weight when this person does whatever they want? I sense it often. I think everyone has said something along the lines of " Promise to shoot me if I get that big" It is a terrible thing to say, but society dislikes obese.
Statement: Once I get this weight off I will feel better, get my dreams going and live a better life.
Truth: Will I live a better life? Will the things that truly matter in my life change? No. My children and husband will still love me the same. I will still have a nice home and a great job and amazing friends that love and support me. The "GREAT" part of my life is already here. Sure maybe I might have more success with the weight off but I believe I can succeed this size too. The confidence is here inside me inside us all. We just have to believe we are good enough to pull off amazing things.
Statement: I will feel better when I lose the weight.
Truth: Yes I will. I will not be out of breathe when I climb stairs, I will have less to carry around so I will be less tired. I will take pressure off all my joints and limbs and they will rejoice in that and with the healthy food choices I make, my blood pressure will stabilize, my heart will stop beating erratically and I will be able to survive life saving surgeries. This statement is completely true, but there is a glitch, until I feel better, in my heart and soul. I won't lose the weight. I am holding on to it because it shows the world I'm sad and broken and constantly need something. I'm hungry for something but my body only understands one type of hunger. Once I figure that out, I will be well.
Statement: All the people that are disappointed in me will forgive me and love me when I am thin, beautiful and successful.
Truth: O.K. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF CARING ABOUT THIS!!! Tough shit I'm human and I was young and I am over it and to the people that want to dwell in this and keep me there, then it is time to watch Jersey Shore and judge someone else for a change. They deserve judgement...I don't, not now, not ever.
(We will come back to this at a later time when I 'm not hostile)
No wait!! This is important. I won't allow myself to make this weight loss journey about redemption. I once made a man about redemption and it turned out terrible. No longer will I seek redemption, I have more than reconciled myself of my past and now I am going towards a future of wisdom, empathy, love and courage. I will not be defined by anything other than my present self.
When I get this fluffy suit off, I just want to enjoy my body, I want to move without restriction, I want to climb without getting out of breath and I want to be pain free, my knees, my ankles and my heart.
When I get in shape I will be the same person I have always been, just better, because I knew and loved this fluffy girl first.
Every fluffy person has this dialog where we believe when we get thin the world will drastically change for us. Maybe it would change, but maybe all the things you are waiting for, you could achieve fluffy too.
Let me try this:
Statement: When I lose weight I will look stylish and beautiful.
Truth: I would look better in clothes. No lumps or bumps and I could bend over to tie my shoes without passing out from loss of oxygen. However I am good looking now and that won't change with a smaller size.
Statement: People will be nicer to me when I am thin.
Truth: Probably not. Because I am pretty cute, fluffy, people aren't threatened by me. When I was in great shape people constantly miss read me and took my humour wrong. I was judged by the cover, not the book.
Now people cozy up to me and stay for a good read. I love that.
However, there is some truth in this statement too. In general people are kinder to attractive people, not saying I am unattractive, but when you are overweight you are seen as less attractive and I have noticed that "skinnies" want an explanation for your large size, why do you get away with letting everything go and being lazy? Why do I work hard everyday to maintain a healthy weight when this person does whatever they want? I sense it often. I think everyone has said something along the lines of " Promise to shoot me if I get that big" It is a terrible thing to say, but society dislikes obese.
Statement: Once I get this weight off I will feel better, get my dreams going and live a better life.
Truth: Will I live a better life? Will the things that truly matter in my life change? No. My children and husband will still love me the same. I will still have a nice home and a great job and amazing friends that love and support me. The "GREAT" part of my life is already here. Sure maybe I might have more success with the weight off but I believe I can succeed this size too. The confidence is here inside me inside us all. We just have to believe we are good enough to pull off amazing things.
Statement: I will feel better when I lose the weight.
Truth: Yes I will. I will not be out of breathe when I climb stairs, I will have less to carry around so I will be less tired. I will take pressure off all my joints and limbs and they will rejoice in that and with the healthy food choices I make, my blood pressure will stabilize, my heart will stop beating erratically and I will be able to survive life saving surgeries. This statement is completely true, but there is a glitch, until I feel better, in my heart and soul. I won't lose the weight. I am holding on to it because it shows the world I'm sad and broken and constantly need something. I'm hungry for something but my body only understands one type of hunger. Once I figure that out, I will be well.
Statement: All the people that are disappointed in me will forgive me and love me when I am thin, beautiful and successful.
Truth: O.K. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF CARING ABOUT THIS!!! Tough shit I'm human and I was young and I am over it and to the people that want to dwell in this and keep me there, then it is time to watch Jersey Shore and judge someone else for a change. They deserve judgement...I don't, not now, not ever.
(We will come back to this at a later time when I 'm not hostile)
No wait!! This is important. I won't allow myself to make this weight loss journey about redemption. I once made a man about redemption and it turned out terrible. No longer will I seek redemption, I have more than reconciled myself of my past and now I am going towards a future of wisdom, empathy, love and courage. I will not be defined by anything other than my present self.
When I get this fluffy suit off, I just want to enjoy my body, I want to move without restriction, I want to climb without getting out of breath and I want to be pain free, my knees, my ankles and my heart.
When I get in shape I will be the same person I have always been, just better, because I knew and loved this fluffy girl first.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Onward!
So since the beginning of this blog I have hit home the things I am running away from. I have fear, I have sadness, I have regrets.
Those things have kept this fluffy suit on. I have spent the last year analyzing them and the conclusion is this, I am not defined by those events, sure they changed me but they aren't who I am. I have paid my dues for those transgressions and my mourning period is over. I will always miss my family but I in order to live to see my OWN family prosper I have to get over it and move towards a great future...
This blog is changing with me, it will be about my journey towards health. It will be about addiction and struggle and figuring it all out, for myself on my terms.
I will also need YOU. I need you to comment about my ideas, be honest and give me feedback. This project NEEDS dedication from us all. I think it will be the single answer to the future of weight loss and understanding.
Worldwide obesity has nearly doubled since 1980. More than half a billion adults are obese in 2008. The world has been putting on weight at a rate of about 2 1/2 to three pounds a decade of each person on the planet. Canada has some the the highest average body mass indexes among wealthy nations.
All the systems out there have it wrong, and need a NEW and better system. My goal is to develop that system, through extensive research, personal triumph and constantly asking the question " Why is this getting worse and worse when the health industry is getting bigger and bigger.?" THEY HAVE IT WRONG!!
I want to make it right. What would work for me? What will make ME in control of my addiction. Make ME take control of food and stay healthy? I plan on answering those questions on this blog from now on.
Here is the statement that I wrote that will be a huge part of this program. It will be said at every meeting and I will have it written every where I am.
Here it is:
Today I will cherish my body, mind and soul.
Today I build a healthy relationship with myself.
Today I will reconcile my past and forgive.
Today I live without a substance or people defining who I am.
Today will be my best day.
Onward.
So take my hand and lets get this show on the road.
Those things have kept this fluffy suit on. I have spent the last year analyzing them and the conclusion is this, I am not defined by those events, sure they changed me but they aren't who I am. I have paid my dues for those transgressions and my mourning period is over. I will always miss my family but I in order to live to see my OWN family prosper I have to get over it and move towards a great future...
This blog is changing with me, it will be about my journey towards health. It will be about addiction and struggle and figuring it all out, for myself on my terms.
I will also need YOU. I need you to comment about my ideas, be honest and give me feedback. This project NEEDS dedication from us all. I think it will be the single answer to the future of weight loss and understanding.
Worldwide obesity has nearly doubled since 1980. More than half a billion adults are obese in 2008. The world has been putting on weight at a rate of about 2 1/2 to three pounds a decade of each person on the planet. Canada has some the the highest average body mass indexes among wealthy nations.
All the systems out there have it wrong, and need a NEW and better system. My goal is to develop that system, through extensive research, personal triumph and constantly asking the question " Why is this getting worse and worse when the health industry is getting bigger and bigger.?" THEY HAVE IT WRONG!!
I want to make it right. What would work for me? What will make ME in control of my addiction. Make ME take control of food and stay healthy? I plan on answering those questions on this blog from now on.
Here is the statement that I wrote that will be a huge part of this program. It will be said at every meeting and I will have it written every where I am.
Here it is:
Today I will cherish my body, mind and soul.
Today I build a healthy relationship with myself.
Today I will reconcile my past and forgive.
Today I live without a substance or people defining who I am.
Today will be my best day.
Onward.
So take my hand and lets get this show on the road.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Happy Birthday Mom
Happy Birthday Mom!!
Birthday. The day you were born, was one of the luckiest days for many lives.
This year for your birthday I am giving you something you have always wanted for me, happiness, contentment and living a great life. I am raising my kids with love and devotion, like you did and I will pass down your legacy of strength, love and loyalty. I will live my best life because you gave me all the tools I need to make wise choices towards a brighter future.
Not gonna lie I miss you everyday and miss you running this helm. Life was sure easier when you took care of us all. I was sure terrified when I was left in charge, I wasn't sure I would make the right choices for everyone, I didn't think I had it in me to be the person that made everything happen, to monitor everyone and make sure they were happy and safe. It took me a while to get my groove but I did it. I stepped into your little shoes and held up this family with everything I had and I am still holding strong.
Very strong.
Like you.
Happy 60th Birthday Mom, thank you for choosing us as your family and Thank You for making such a difference in my life.
I love you
Raquel
Birthday. The day you were born, was one of the luckiest days for many lives.
This year for your birthday I am giving you something you have always wanted for me, happiness, contentment and living a great life. I am raising my kids with love and devotion, like you did and I will pass down your legacy of strength, love and loyalty. I will live my best life because you gave me all the tools I need to make wise choices towards a brighter future.
Not gonna lie I miss you everyday and miss you running this helm. Life was sure easier when you took care of us all. I was sure terrified when I was left in charge, I wasn't sure I would make the right choices for everyone, I didn't think I had it in me to be the person that made everything happen, to monitor everyone and make sure they were happy and safe. It took me a while to get my groove but I did it. I stepped into your little shoes and held up this family with everything I had and I am still holding strong.
Very strong.
Like you.
Happy 60th Birthday Mom, thank you for choosing us as your family and Thank You for making such a difference in my life.
I love you
Raquel
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Um...Slim?
Hey Slim,
Where did you go?
Come on...Dad didn't mean it. He is hurting too. He doesn't like being left, so when T left for Christmas he was raw. Look it isn't right that he took it out on us but if anyone is going to stand up to him and tell him the truth about us...it should be you. Strong, beautiful and willful you.
Yes, we have been perceived as an idiot, ummm..ok that was me at the helm, I don't like confrontation. You thrive on it. Maybe we can meet in the middle and not fight with Dad but maybe stand up for ourselves with love and clarity. I will keep us calm, you will rile us up. The one thing that we have to agree on, is that we are worth fighting for.
Enough of taking personal attacks. Enough being the clown so people aren't mean to us. Enough self loathing, anger and depression. We have had enough. We have the right to a peaceful existence, just like everyone else. The only difference is, we trained people to think it is OK to treat us like unworthy crap and now we have to re-train them to be respectful and compassionate, because I need compassion. Lots of it.
So do you.
Trust your great pal Fluffy, we will fix this.
Together.
Where did you go?
Come on...Dad didn't mean it. He is hurting too. He doesn't like being left, so when T left for Christmas he was raw. Look it isn't right that he took it out on us but if anyone is going to stand up to him and tell him the truth about us...it should be you. Strong, beautiful and willful you.
Yes, we have been perceived as an idiot, ummm..ok that was me at the helm, I don't like confrontation. You thrive on it. Maybe we can meet in the middle and not fight with Dad but maybe stand up for ourselves with love and clarity. I will keep us calm, you will rile us up. The one thing that we have to agree on, is that we are worth fighting for.
Enough of taking personal attacks. Enough being the clown so people aren't mean to us. Enough self loathing, anger and depression. We have had enough. We have the right to a peaceful existence, just like everyone else. The only difference is, we trained people to think it is OK to treat us like unworthy crap and now we have to re-train them to be respectful and compassionate, because I need compassion. Lots of it.
So do you.
Trust your great pal Fluffy, we will fix this.
Together.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The soul scar
Be positive.
OK...I can do this.
Through exploring myself, I have found someone worthy of love, and I'm in the process of giving that love now. However, there are people that only know me as the loser, and changing their opinions is becoming a daunting task. I know that most of the information they have, I fed to them. I degraded myself, I let false assumptions live and never defended myself, because I truly believed, in my heart and soul that I was a loser. I was ashamed of myself, I knew what people thought and I agreed with them, although it wasn't the total truth, and they didn't have the whole story, I figured I deserved the "shame on you" looks, the eye rolls and the tsking of tongues.
But now, because I am falling in love with myself, I want more for me. I want to give myself protection, to save me from judgement, to stand up and stomp my foot and say "You don't have it right!" I want to tell my story to those few people that don't know me anymore, and let them at least have the full story before they decide to say mean things and off cuff comments about my character.
I just don't know where to begin, I don't know how to tell my story without sounding like I am making excuses. I own my mistakes, fully. I don't need to be reminded of them, they are soul scar with permanent reminders. I don't need to be reminded that I hurt a lot of people, I don't need a reminder that I was selfish, inconsiderate and wrong. I live with my mistakes...everyday, and if it makes these people feel better...I hurt from these mistakes too.
The person that thinks I am a loser the most is my Dad. To this day he doesn't think I'm too much. He doesn't trust me with anything because I will probably screw it up. If I am late, it's typical, if I make any mistakes it's because I don't think or use my head. I am terrified of disappointing my Dad and because in everything I do, I disappoint him. I usually hide from him and try to figure things out for myself, I feel so ashamed when I let him down, because I have done so, so many times. I just want him to be proud of me, to assume I am thinking and using my head, that I am special and wonderful and a survivor...like him. I really think that now, I am someone he could be proud of, if he only knew me.
He doesn't know that I have done some pretty amazing things with my life, weathered some pretty harsh storms alone, fought for my kids, educated myself, been accountable to my children and repaired many broken bridges. I stood up for myself against many disasters, I did this without anyone to sound off to, without a mother, without a sibling and without a Dad.
I have a loving home, where my kids are loved and cherished even if they make mistakes, I have a loving husband that understands me and adores my kids. I work full-time with a large family and home to take care of and even though it isn't perfectly clean and orderly it is the best I can do.
Everyday I do the best I can do.
I am someone to be proud of. I'm sweet, loving, caring, compassionate, strong, resilient and smart and it is a shame that the only surviving member of my first family doesn't know that....or may never know that. I'm too afraid to tell him that, because I'm afraid he will re-introduce me to the loser he knows, and I can't face that anymore. It crumbles me, makes my soul scars burn, makes me eat and trash myself to make his opinion true, and getting up over and over again is getting too hard. I want to get up and stay up this time.
I question why he can't see who I am now, and the answer is this, if he allows himself to see, my mistakes and the reasons why I made them, he would have to see his part in the whole story. He would have to see why I hid everything from him, why I ran away from him, why I searched for his replacement and fell short, why I'm afraid of his judgement, why I was a loser and take ownership of it and reconcile it within himself. He would have to see his own flaws, his own mistakes and the daughter he let down.
It is said that the people you dislike the most, are the ones that remind you of the things you don't like about yourself, and I can see that with my dad. He doesn't like seeing himself in me, so he lashes out at the reminder of his own mistakes. I am the only survivor of his mistakes.
The past. The present.
I am his soul scar.
I wish I could tell him, that his mistakes are forgiven, we can just start over, love better now, talk now, forgive now and be the balm for each others scars. We have time to repair this relationship, but both of us are afraid of facing the facts and the impact, our mistakes made to each other. Maybe we both don't understand the consequences our actions had on the other person. Maybe facing that is too hard for both of us.
Maybe we can't fix our soul scars.
I wish we could.
OK...I can do this.
Through exploring myself, I have found someone worthy of love, and I'm in the process of giving that love now. However, there are people that only know me as the loser, and changing their opinions is becoming a daunting task. I know that most of the information they have, I fed to them. I degraded myself, I let false assumptions live and never defended myself, because I truly believed, in my heart and soul that I was a loser. I was ashamed of myself, I knew what people thought and I agreed with them, although it wasn't the total truth, and they didn't have the whole story, I figured I deserved the "shame on you" looks, the eye rolls and the tsking of tongues.
But now, because I am falling in love with myself, I want more for me. I want to give myself protection, to save me from judgement, to stand up and stomp my foot and say "You don't have it right!" I want to tell my story to those few people that don't know me anymore, and let them at least have the full story before they decide to say mean things and off cuff comments about my character.
I just don't know where to begin, I don't know how to tell my story without sounding like I am making excuses. I own my mistakes, fully. I don't need to be reminded of them, they are soul scar with permanent reminders. I don't need to be reminded that I hurt a lot of people, I don't need a reminder that I was selfish, inconsiderate and wrong. I live with my mistakes...everyday, and if it makes these people feel better...I hurt from these mistakes too.
The person that thinks I am a loser the most is my Dad. To this day he doesn't think I'm too much. He doesn't trust me with anything because I will probably screw it up. If I am late, it's typical, if I make any mistakes it's because I don't think or use my head. I am terrified of disappointing my Dad and because in everything I do, I disappoint him. I usually hide from him and try to figure things out for myself, I feel so ashamed when I let him down, because I have done so, so many times. I just want him to be proud of me, to assume I am thinking and using my head, that I am special and wonderful and a survivor...like him. I really think that now, I am someone he could be proud of, if he only knew me.
He doesn't know that I have done some pretty amazing things with my life, weathered some pretty harsh storms alone, fought for my kids, educated myself, been accountable to my children and repaired many broken bridges. I stood up for myself against many disasters, I did this without anyone to sound off to, without a mother, without a sibling and without a Dad.
I have a loving home, where my kids are loved and cherished even if they make mistakes, I have a loving husband that understands me and adores my kids. I work full-time with a large family and home to take care of and even though it isn't perfectly clean and orderly it is the best I can do.
Everyday I do the best I can do.
I am someone to be proud of. I'm sweet, loving, caring, compassionate, strong, resilient and smart and it is a shame that the only surviving member of my first family doesn't know that....or may never know that. I'm too afraid to tell him that, because I'm afraid he will re-introduce me to the loser he knows, and I can't face that anymore. It crumbles me, makes my soul scars burn, makes me eat and trash myself to make his opinion true, and getting up over and over again is getting too hard. I want to get up and stay up this time.
I question why he can't see who I am now, and the answer is this, if he allows himself to see, my mistakes and the reasons why I made them, he would have to see his part in the whole story. He would have to see why I hid everything from him, why I ran away from him, why I searched for his replacement and fell short, why I'm afraid of his judgement, why I was a loser and take ownership of it and reconcile it within himself. He would have to see his own flaws, his own mistakes and the daughter he let down.
It is said that the people you dislike the most, are the ones that remind you of the things you don't like about yourself, and I can see that with my dad. He doesn't like seeing himself in me, so he lashes out at the reminder of his own mistakes. I am the only survivor of his mistakes.
The past. The present.
I am his soul scar.
I wish I could tell him, that his mistakes are forgiven, we can just start over, love better now, talk now, forgive now and be the balm for each others scars. We have time to repair this relationship, but both of us are afraid of facing the facts and the impact, our mistakes made to each other. Maybe we both don't understand the consequences our actions had on the other person. Maybe facing that is too hard for both of us.
Maybe we can't fix our soul scars.
I wish we could.
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