Trying to lose weight before you have healed is a bad idea. You will get some weight off but as soon as you feel scared or lost you will go back to your old ways of "filling" yourself.
I have lost weight, there is no question. I am sure the weight I lost was the grief. I finally took some time to grieve my family and with that came off some weight. It came off my life burden. It felt great.
Then the weight loss stopped.
My body was telling me that I needed to rest, it said something big is about to happen and you will need a great amount of strength to manage it. I grew very fearful. Please don't let something terrible happen, please.
I rested, and ate (better choices) and I listened for the change that awaited me.
During this rest period, my soul sisters and I were communicating and finding out things about each other. We decided to ask each other some questions about who we really are vs what is perceived about us. I told one of my sisters I always thought she had this weird schedule that she LIVED by.
She laughed and said she wishes she was that organized and its cool that I would think that. HAHA.
I then said I was afraid to say some things around her because she was very religious. She smiled and said, why do you think I'm super religious? I told her it was because she always gave religious cards for occasions.
She again laughed and said she thought the messages were great and something to share.
I said "I don't read them. I act like I am, but I'm not."
"Why" she asked.
"I read most of those token quotes in my time in Catholic School, it got old."
"Those Catholic Schools sure ruined a lot of good stuff" She said.
"Yeah" I muttered.
The truth is I didn't like the topic of religion, not many of us do. It is the cause of more arguments and wars than any other topic.
As most of you know, I stopped talking to God because we had a deal, and I felt, he broke our relationship. I couldn't speak to him, I couldn't voice my pain so I chose utter silence.
Skip ahead a few weeks. My cousin was celebrating Confirmation. (Catholic for confirming your dedication to the Catholic Church)
I went because she is very important to me, and I remember my own Confirmation. It was a special day.
The Bishop was in attendance, I knew this was going to be a long day at the Church. I settled in to stare off into space. No way I'm listening. I am respectful in Church, I do the motions, I always sing, I try to "look" Catholic, but I never let it seep in. "Deals over God."
The Bishop came in, with the cane thingy and the big hat. I watched the procession and started obsessing about how hot it was in there. I could also smell burgers cooking for the BBQ to celebrate after the ceremony. MMMM burgers. I like Church today. :)
The usual praying and announcements and ...stuff started out. I stared into space, wondering how come the songs were in two languages. Huh?...ohhhh I see this church has a large diversity. Cool.
I was busy doing my usual sits, prayers, bows when it became time to listen to the Bishops Eulogy. I remember sighing and thinking " Here we go, boring none interesting crap."
Then he got my attention. He was talking about a parrot, that lost its voice because a woman accidentally vacuumed him up while cleaning his cage. We all laughed, but then he said the words that caught me, the bird stopped singing, and stopped talking because of the trauma.
I understood this bird.
I was listening.
"This better be good priest." I thought.
Then it was. He went on to explain that this life is full of terrible things that happen to you. That you will lose people, and lose hope..even faith, you will feel alone, in your terror and your fear and turn away from all of it. Yet, because you are here, because you are life, you are precious. You deserve better than this sorrow, pain and fear. You are a gift worth living for.
I teared up. I am a gift worth living for.
He went on to say that you are not alone. Never are. You just have to ask for help. Put it out there that you require guidance and love and support and it will come to you. Call it praying, the secret, the law of attraction whatever your belief system is, but know that you are being heard. You are loved and protected by your own beautiful self and a whole entity that believes in your worthiness and greatness.
BUT. ( there is always a but)
You need to speak. Or believe. Or sing.
You need to put it into action,all that love, and fulfillment and worthiness is inside you, to share and spread, deliver and receive.
Do onto others, as you would have done onto you.
If you believe in anything, you need to believe that you are special and a true gift and precious...mostly precious.
I got that message. So I decided to pray, makes it easier for me to just be general so I closed my eyes and I sang.
" I need your grace. To remind me, of how to feel." Yes the song Chasing Cars. Its been playing in my head over and over and I knew I needed to say those words. So I did. I need grace. I need to feel and I need grace from the shame.
I had no idea when I would be answered, I didn't even care but putting it out there, my need, I felt like I let go of a huge burden.
I went home and weighed myself. Nope. It wasn't actually weight, just the feeling of weight.
ARGH. AND my body is still telling me to rest, because the best is yet to come.
Because, I spoke again and asked.
Because I believe I'm a gift and I am precious.
