My name is Raquel and I am a food addict.
I decided 6 days ago to embark on a journey towards self discovery, I wanted to know if I was truly a food addict.
I sure am.
I have been using food as an escape from reality. I have used it to mask feelings, to "fill myself" with food because I didn't feel "full". I felt like I was empty inside and of course I decided that food was what my body was craving. It never occurred to me that the empty feeling wasn't actual hunger for food but a hunger for love, acceptance and peace. I hungered for my brother back, I hungered for understanding from anyone and I hungered for a break from it all. I ate and ate and ate, and yet the emptiness continued. Until now.
I am full. I am an addict that has to make conscience awareness of my actions and I have to re-learn a life were food is sustenance not pleasure or escape. Every choice I make for the rest of my life has to be about being aware of what I am doing, because the addict in me wants me to eat until I feel euphoria as apposed to appetite. Until I understand the difference, I have to take all enjoyment out of food. Don't worry it's not forever, just until I know and understand the actually feeling of hunger vs empty. So far I have discovered that I'm not hungry very often. I have my planned meal times, snacks but because all of them entail tasteless blah, it isn't that often. I have began adding yummy foods back in, but portioned so I'm not in charge.
It helps me that my whole house hold is on board with this. My children know I am not in control with food. They watch me like a hawk. They don't bring crappy foods into my house. Thank God, I know I would attack someone right now.
At night seems to be my crazy time. That is when I obsess about food. I think I'm starving.
So lets analyze why I am so hungry at night.
Night time is when I have to wind down and rest my mind so I can sleep. I have never been a great sleeper, because my mind races and I think of all the days events and criticize myself. I can't stand listening to my mean mind so I eat and it goes away. AH HA!! Hummmmm. How to shut my mind up without food? Looking back, when I had a healthy relationship with food, I don't EVER remember eating after supper, maybe popcorn on the weekends but...nothing else really...what did I do then? Well as a teenager I was on the phone with my friends, laughing about stupid stuff, planning events, plotting outfits. Well that won't happen now. I would listen to music or watch TV. NOW when I watch TV I associate that with snacking so...that won't work right now.
Music? Listen to some great tunes that make me feel great, maybe that will shut up the critical voice in my head! I also plan to tell that voice off from time to time.
OR every time I start criticizing myself I do 10 crunches or push ups. I think soon it would shut up. Or I will die from lack of oxygen...what ever comes first. ;)
Tonight I will try this.
Food addiction is the hardest addiction to kick, I think, I still need to eat, but I have a bad relationship with food, so I have to teach myself coping techniques to survive. I can't go to restaurants, I can't be in charge of self serve at a buffet, I can't socially eat until I know the difference between hunger and filling a void. All addicts have to eventually live a some what normal life again, just with boundaries, to protect them from relapse.
From now on I have to be constantly aware of food, and my relationship with it. I can't be out of control around food, so activities about food have to change for me and my family, for life. This mean we all be aware of the addict in the family and not expect them to conform to a society that revolves around food. Christmas will just be different. Instead of all the food on the table with easy access we will have a buffet style dinner, and I will be in check, with my support person helping me make the choices. Hopefully for me, by Christmas, I will be in better control. Right now, no way I would hold back or be conscience of the amount of food I NEED instead of what I want. NO WAY.
Food Addiction is hard. Food Addiction is for life.
I am a Food Addict.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Detox
Well like all addicts I have to go into detox first.
Food is my drug of choice. When I feel lonely or angry or anything really I resort to food to make me feel better. So does anyone that is over weight, eating fills you up and makes that empty feeling go away.
I have to stop associating food with pleasure. I know what your thinking, why take pleasure out of eating, it will only make you hate yet another diet.
I AM NOT ON A DIET. I AM IN DETOX. Detox isn't pleasurable, it is a time when you get all the harmful drugs out of your system, you learn to associate food at the reality of what it is, it is a means to fuel your body and keep you healthy. I have taken that association away.
As babies we are taught to eat solid foods, but adding one thing at a time to figure out if they can tolerate it. In recovering from eating addiction we have to do the same thing. Get back to the basics. I have to take no pleasure in food for at least 2 weeks to I can build a normal relationship with food. I have to worry about getting proper nutrition and that is it. So everything that I put inside myself this week with be plain and tasteless. It will have all the nutritional values, but I won't get a pleasure hit from it.
All addictions are about taking pleasure from getting away from yourself and basking in the glow of avoidance. So when I eat a moist piece of chocolate cake I escape to a place that gives me pleasure and leave from my natural state of panic.
We all have a natural state of panic. Worry about judgement, loneliness, other peoples problems, our own problems and escape is necessary sometimes, however a physical escape is better than a addictive one.
For two weeks, I will be writing on here my feelings and NOT enjoying it. I will be miserable, because detox is like that, and I will be whole for the first time in my life.
Detox....here I come.
Food is my drug of choice. When I feel lonely or angry or anything really I resort to food to make me feel better. So does anyone that is over weight, eating fills you up and makes that empty feeling go away.
I have to stop associating food with pleasure. I know what your thinking, why take pleasure out of eating, it will only make you hate yet another diet.
I AM NOT ON A DIET. I AM IN DETOX. Detox isn't pleasurable, it is a time when you get all the harmful drugs out of your system, you learn to associate food at the reality of what it is, it is a means to fuel your body and keep you healthy. I have taken that association away.
As babies we are taught to eat solid foods, but adding one thing at a time to figure out if they can tolerate it. In recovering from eating addiction we have to do the same thing. Get back to the basics. I have to take no pleasure in food for at least 2 weeks to I can build a normal relationship with food. I have to worry about getting proper nutrition and that is it. So everything that I put inside myself this week with be plain and tasteless. It will have all the nutritional values, but I won't get a pleasure hit from it.
All addictions are about taking pleasure from getting away from yourself and basking in the glow of avoidance. So when I eat a moist piece of chocolate cake I escape to a place that gives me pleasure and leave from my natural state of panic.
We all have a natural state of panic. Worry about judgement, loneliness, other peoples problems, our own problems and escape is necessary sometimes, however a physical escape is better than a addictive one.
For two weeks, I will be writing on here my feelings and NOT enjoying it. I will be miserable, because detox is like that, and I will be whole for the first time in my life.
Detox....here I come.
When I get in shape...
When I get in shape...
Every fluffy person has this dialog where we believe when we get thin the world will drastically change for us. Maybe it would change, but maybe all the things you are waiting for, you could achieve fluffy too.
Let me try this:
Statement: When I lose weight I will look stylish and beautiful.
Truth: I would look better in clothes. No lumps or bumps and I could bend over to tie my shoes without passing out from loss of oxygen. However I am good looking now and that won't change with a smaller size.
Statement: People will be nicer to me when I am thin.
Truth: Probably not. Because I am pretty cute, fluffy, people aren't threatened by me. When I was in great shape people constantly miss read me and took my humour wrong. I was judged by the cover, not the book.
Now people cozy up to me and stay for a good read. I love that.
However, there is some truth in this statement too. In general people are kinder to attractive people, not saying I am unattractive, but when you are overweight you are seen as less attractive and I have noticed that "skinnies" want an explanation for your large size, why do you get away with letting everything go and being lazy? Why do I work hard everyday to maintain a healthy weight when this person does whatever they want? I sense it often. I think everyone has said something along the lines of " Promise to shoot me if I get that big" It is a terrible thing to say, but society dislikes obese.
Statement: Once I get this weight off I will feel better, get my dreams going and live a better life.
Truth: Will I live a better life? Will the things that truly matter in my life change? No. My children and husband will still love me the same. I will still have a nice home and a great job and amazing friends that love and support me. The "GREAT" part of my life is already here. Sure maybe I might have more success with the weight off but I believe I can succeed this size too. The confidence is here inside me inside us all. We just have to believe we are good enough to pull off amazing things.
Statement: I will feel better when I lose the weight.
Truth: Yes I will. I will not be out of breathe when I climb stairs, I will have less to carry around so I will be less tired. I will take pressure off all my joints and limbs and they will rejoice in that and with the healthy food choices I make, my blood pressure will stabilize, my heart will stop beating erratically and I will be able to survive life saving surgeries. This statement is completely true, but there is a glitch, until I feel better, in my heart and soul. I won't lose the weight. I am holding on to it because it shows the world I'm sad and broken and constantly need something. I'm hungry for something but my body only understands one type of hunger. Once I figure that out, I will be well.
Statement: All the people that are disappointed in me will forgive me and love me when I am thin, beautiful and successful.
Truth: O.K. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF CARING ABOUT THIS!!! Tough shit I'm human and I was young and I am over it and to the people that want to dwell in this and keep me there, then it is time to watch Jersey Shore and judge someone else for a change. They deserve judgement...I don't, not now, not ever.
(We will come back to this at a later time when I 'm not hostile)
No wait!! This is important. I won't allow myself to make this weight loss journey about redemption. I once made a man about redemption and it turned out terrible. No longer will I seek redemption, I have more than reconciled myself of my past and now I am going towards a future of wisdom, empathy, love and courage. I will not be defined by anything other than my present self.
When I get this fluffy suit off, I just want to enjoy my body, I want to move without restriction, I want to climb without getting out of breath and I want to be pain free, my knees, my ankles and my heart.
When I get in shape I will be the same person I have always been, just better, because I knew and loved this fluffy girl first.
Every fluffy person has this dialog where we believe when we get thin the world will drastically change for us. Maybe it would change, but maybe all the things you are waiting for, you could achieve fluffy too.
Let me try this:
Statement: When I lose weight I will look stylish and beautiful.
Truth: I would look better in clothes. No lumps or bumps and I could bend over to tie my shoes without passing out from loss of oxygen. However I am good looking now and that won't change with a smaller size.
Statement: People will be nicer to me when I am thin.
Truth: Probably not. Because I am pretty cute, fluffy, people aren't threatened by me. When I was in great shape people constantly miss read me and took my humour wrong. I was judged by the cover, not the book.
Now people cozy up to me and stay for a good read. I love that.
However, there is some truth in this statement too. In general people are kinder to attractive people, not saying I am unattractive, but when you are overweight you are seen as less attractive and I have noticed that "skinnies" want an explanation for your large size, why do you get away with letting everything go and being lazy? Why do I work hard everyday to maintain a healthy weight when this person does whatever they want? I sense it often. I think everyone has said something along the lines of " Promise to shoot me if I get that big" It is a terrible thing to say, but society dislikes obese.
Statement: Once I get this weight off I will feel better, get my dreams going and live a better life.
Truth: Will I live a better life? Will the things that truly matter in my life change? No. My children and husband will still love me the same. I will still have a nice home and a great job and amazing friends that love and support me. The "GREAT" part of my life is already here. Sure maybe I might have more success with the weight off but I believe I can succeed this size too. The confidence is here inside me inside us all. We just have to believe we are good enough to pull off amazing things.
Statement: I will feel better when I lose the weight.
Truth: Yes I will. I will not be out of breathe when I climb stairs, I will have less to carry around so I will be less tired. I will take pressure off all my joints and limbs and they will rejoice in that and with the healthy food choices I make, my blood pressure will stabilize, my heart will stop beating erratically and I will be able to survive life saving surgeries. This statement is completely true, but there is a glitch, until I feel better, in my heart and soul. I won't lose the weight. I am holding on to it because it shows the world I'm sad and broken and constantly need something. I'm hungry for something but my body only understands one type of hunger. Once I figure that out, I will be well.
Statement: All the people that are disappointed in me will forgive me and love me when I am thin, beautiful and successful.
Truth: O.K. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF CARING ABOUT THIS!!! Tough shit I'm human and I was young and I am over it and to the people that want to dwell in this and keep me there, then it is time to watch Jersey Shore and judge someone else for a change. They deserve judgement...I don't, not now, not ever.
(We will come back to this at a later time when I 'm not hostile)
No wait!! This is important. I won't allow myself to make this weight loss journey about redemption. I once made a man about redemption and it turned out terrible. No longer will I seek redemption, I have more than reconciled myself of my past and now I am going towards a future of wisdom, empathy, love and courage. I will not be defined by anything other than my present self.
When I get this fluffy suit off, I just want to enjoy my body, I want to move without restriction, I want to climb without getting out of breath and I want to be pain free, my knees, my ankles and my heart.
When I get in shape I will be the same person I have always been, just better, because I knew and loved this fluffy girl first.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Onward!
So since the beginning of this blog I have hit home the things I am running away from. I have fear, I have sadness, I have regrets.
Those things have kept this fluffy suit on. I have spent the last year analyzing them and the conclusion is this, I am not defined by those events, sure they changed me but they aren't who I am. I have paid my dues for those transgressions and my mourning period is over. I will always miss my family but I in order to live to see my OWN family prosper I have to get over it and move towards a great future...
This blog is changing with me, it will be about my journey towards health. It will be about addiction and struggle and figuring it all out, for myself on my terms.
I will also need YOU. I need you to comment about my ideas, be honest and give me feedback. This project NEEDS dedication from us all. I think it will be the single answer to the future of weight loss and understanding.
Worldwide obesity has nearly doubled since 1980. More than half a billion adults are obese in 2008. The world has been putting on weight at a rate of about 2 1/2 to three pounds a decade of each person on the planet. Canada has some the the highest average body mass indexes among wealthy nations.
All the systems out there have it wrong, and need a NEW and better system. My goal is to develop that system, through extensive research, personal triumph and constantly asking the question " Why is this getting worse and worse when the health industry is getting bigger and bigger.?" THEY HAVE IT WRONG!!
I want to make it right. What would work for me? What will make ME in control of my addiction. Make ME take control of food and stay healthy? I plan on answering those questions on this blog from now on.
Here is the statement that I wrote that will be a huge part of this program. It will be said at every meeting and I will have it written every where I am.
Here it is:
Today I will cherish my body, mind and soul.
Today I build a healthy relationship with myself.
Today I will reconcile my past and forgive.
Today I live without a substance or people defining who I am.
Today will be my best day.
Onward.
So take my hand and lets get this show on the road.
Those things have kept this fluffy suit on. I have spent the last year analyzing them and the conclusion is this, I am not defined by those events, sure they changed me but they aren't who I am. I have paid my dues for those transgressions and my mourning period is over. I will always miss my family but I in order to live to see my OWN family prosper I have to get over it and move towards a great future...
This blog is changing with me, it will be about my journey towards health. It will be about addiction and struggle and figuring it all out, for myself on my terms.
I will also need YOU. I need you to comment about my ideas, be honest and give me feedback. This project NEEDS dedication from us all. I think it will be the single answer to the future of weight loss and understanding.
Worldwide obesity has nearly doubled since 1980. More than half a billion adults are obese in 2008. The world has been putting on weight at a rate of about 2 1/2 to three pounds a decade of each person on the planet. Canada has some the the highest average body mass indexes among wealthy nations.
All the systems out there have it wrong, and need a NEW and better system. My goal is to develop that system, through extensive research, personal triumph and constantly asking the question " Why is this getting worse and worse when the health industry is getting bigger and bigger.?" THEY HAVE IT WRONG!!
I want to make it right. What would work for me? What will make ME in control of my addiction. Make ME take control of food and stay healthy? I plan on answering those questions on this blog from now on.
Here is the statement that I wrote that will be a huge part of this program. It will be said at every meeting and I will have it written every where I am.
Here it is:
Today I will cherish my body, mind and soul.
Today I build a healthy relationship with myself.
Today I will reconcile my past and forgive.
Today I live without a substance or people defining who I am.
Today will be my best day.
Onward.
So take my hand and lets get this show on the road.
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