Confusion

With all these new medications, I'm not sure what is to blame for my confusion. My head can't seem to retain any information and I miss being able to think on the fly. I guess it is good that I'm not trying to pursue my comedy career right now, because I would be screwed if someone heckled me. I can't think on the spot at all, or if I get interrupted I will never come back to the original thought. Maybe it's age??

Starting a new job ( that I love) with all the new systems and a new program to learn I'm getting frustrated with how much I am screwing up. This isn't me!!! I guess I have to slow down and take my time and learn a few things at a time, unlike my old self. In the future I guess when an employer asks what are some of my weaknesses I can say..."well I can't multi- task and I STILL can't craft, so nothing with scissors or glue..or sparkly things...WITH glue ...that stick to my fingers and make me go postal... and obsessively wash my hands to get all stick off of me...and then get an itchy nose....oh crap...I just changed topics, and I can't remember where I was going with that...SIGH.

I hate being confused. Clarity is what I crave right now. I need to take ownership of my own mistakes and sort out how to fix them and start over so I can feel complete. Maybe THAT is why I am so confused right now, I have so much I am trying to do, that my brain is going into overload. My heart is too, I have been allowing myself to feel and express and love and it is quite shocking to my system...to have attachments again.

This self improvement thing is difficult. Sitting on the couch eating cheese doodles was easier than this...but not rewarding or for the betterment of myself.

Every night, I now look at how far I have come and smile because this journey is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Then.

I try to remember where I lost my keys.

I need

I need peace
I need love
I need family
I need friends
I need acceptance
I need cheese doodles ( ha ha just seeing if you're paying attention)
I need hugs
I need to learn how to enjoy hugs
I need calm
I need humor
I need time to cry
I need protection
I need shelter from my life storm
I need to create magic with my talents
I need dreams
I need goals
I need mothering
I need rest
I need forgivness
I need to forgive myself and others
I need my dad
I need help sometimes
I need to ask for help
I need to help others
I need to feel safe
I need to accept that I have needed and gone without.
I NEED to take care of my needs now and forever.

Where has the time gone?

Well I sure have been slacking on this blog. Well that should be remedied asap.

So many things have changed since my last blog. First I no longer car pool with Mike as I lost my job. I actually quit but was asked to. I have been missing a lot of work lately because of my health, my blood pressure has been through the roof. My body, that has been living in high stress for a long time is letting me know that enough is enough.

I am living proof that a broken heart, can actually break your heart.

So the cure, is to un-break my heart. Everyday I get up and I list off the things I am thankful for. I mentally picture all my family, my friends, the roof over my head, my husband and lastly, myself, I am thankful for my life and the lessons I have learned from it, doing this, everyday has improved my self talk and helped me get up and WANT to get better.

Lets be honest folks, up until the last 6 months I have wanted to lose this battle with my health. The pain was unbearable. For all the folks that asked me how I survived what I have been through, the honest answer is I don't know, because I did everything in my power NOT to survive it. I quit being active and excited about life, I fed my pain and numbed it with calories, sugar and fat to silence my aching heart and self hatred.

Hey I still do some of these very abusive things, I get sad or scared or overwhelmed and I eat until it goes away. Here is the thing about burying your feelings with food or drugs or booze, THE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE! Doesn't matter how deep you bury them with addiction, all those feelings are there and getting harder and harder to bury. I have buried mine in 145lbs of "fluff" and only now because I am allowing my feelings out am I heading towards a better future. Everyday I address my insecurities and my fears and I explain them to myself. Only when my mind gets wrapped around the why, will I truly be free.

Last weekend, I had to talk to my ex for the first time in months. He wanted to finally take out daughter out and I fully encouraged this. She had other ideas, she is so angry with him for having nothing to do with her for the last 2 years that she has now quit.

I got on the phone with him to try and explain how she is feeling and he, my abuser, said that I only have myself to blame for her being a rebellious and angry teenager. I taught her that and I have to live with it.

For the first time in my life, that didn't hurt me or upset me because it was so untrue, it didn't even hit my radar. I simply said to "He who has no shadow", "that isn't true, maybe what has happened in this divorce is partially my fault, however I will no longer that full blame for the pain my children have suffered. He was mostly silent due to being at work, and having to keep his "image". However, I feel it's a victory, for me. He can't scare me into self hatred anymore. I refuse to allow it, because...

I don't hate me anymore.