This body was born perfect with dimples on my bottom.
This body took its first steps and giggled with pleasure.T
This body spun around and around in circles until my tummy felt sick.
This body would drop down and nap anywhere and sleep sound.
This body played tag with my brother and giggled with delight.
This body danced at weddings and learned the polka.
This body went into puberty and felt the changes and embraced them.
This body tingled with excitement when it felt love's first kiss.
This body excelled at sports and triumphed in the win, grumbled about the loss.
This body fell in love and it blossomed in it.
This body made love and learned about pleasure and connection.
This body swelled with child and basked in the wonderment of it all.
This body brought life into this world and glowed with pride.
This body was beaten and abused and burns with the shame of it.
This body was violated and made to feel worthless and dulled from the pain.
This body faced loss that covered its heart with molten lava of grief.
This body fought to stay steady when my world tilted upside-down.
This body held me with my broken heart, my self-hatred and my fear.
This body was made to change into something it didn't want.
This body tolerated my abuse.
This body believed I would make it right again.
This body needs me to make it right again and love it.
This body is going to get what it deserves.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Climb
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure, It is our light not our darkest that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that the people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do, It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same, as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Coach Carter.
Now this is something.
I read that and my mind started buzzing with new information.
Powerful beyond measure, we are all powerful beyond measure, this is simply amazing. All this life is asking from us, is to root for each other and allow the best we can be to come forward without shame.
I love this quote.
This blog and all my "figuring out", lets everyone know, I am flawed and that it is normal and ok to be that way. We all make mistakes, we all suffer and we are all struggling to be more, and yet we are afraid to be more because what if we climb back up, and leave the people we love behind, what happens then?
The answer is simple.
You don't climb alone.
You pull and you claw and you fight to bring everyone up with you. Some people are less afraid than others and may climb without fear towards the top, while others stumble at the bottom, afraid to reach for the first stone. The confident climbers, they need to reach back and take the hand of the fearful and pull them up with everything they have and then place their hands on a stone and continue to climb. Eventually they will start to climb, because they love you and want to be with you, and because you love them enough to bring them along.
Everyone in our lives has such potential, EVERYONE...(yes even you reading this blog). They just have to remember the passions they had as a child, before it got hard, before life stepped in and made us conform to the "norm".
Remember who you are. If you can't remember, surround yourself with people who do. Ask the climbers to reach back and take your hand and help you climb until you start to remember how to lift yourself up.
Let your people, carry you.
I am remembering that girl, with her hopes and dream and her passion. Everyday I am reaching up for another stone, and looking back to see who needs help, because when we all reach the top and look around at the beauty around us, I don't want to be alone in that place.
I want to be surrounded by other climbers, who are smiling and happy and...whole.
Lets climb shall we?
Now this is something.
I read that and my mind started buzzing with new information.
Powerful beyond measure, we are all powerful beyond measure, this is simply amazing. All this life is asking from us, is to root for each other and allow the best we can be to come forward without shame.
I love this quote.
This blog and all my "figuring out", lets everyone know, I am flawed and that it is normal and ok to be that way. We all make mistakes, we all suffer and we are all struggling to be more, and yet we are afraid to be more because what if we climb back up, and leave the people we love behind, what happens then?
The answer is simple.
You don't climb alone.
You pull and you claw and you fight to bring everyone up with you. Some people are less afraid than others and may climb without fear towards the top, while others stumble at the bottom, afraid to reach for the first stone. The confident climbers, they need to reach back and take the hand of the fearful and pull them up with everything they have and then place their hands on a stone and continue to climb. Eventually they will start to climb, because they love you and want to be with you, and because you love them enough to bring them along.
Everyone in our lives has such potential, EVERYONE...(yes even you reading this blog). They just have to remember the passions they had as a child, before it got hard, before life stepped in and made us conform to the "norm".
Remember who you are. If you can't remember, surround yourself with people who do. Ask the climbers to reach back and take your hand and help you climb until you start to remember how to lift yourself up.
Let your people, carry you.
I am remembering that girl, with her hopes and dream and her passion. Everyday I am reaching up for another stone, and looking back to see who needs help, because when we all reach the top and look around at the beauty around us, I don't want to be alone in that place.
I want to be surrounded by other climbers, who are smiling and happy and...whole.
Lets climb shall we?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Bittersweet
Today I watched as my youngest daughter, got in line and walked towards her first day of school, towards her teacher and away from me. It was actually pretty beautiful, the sun was shining on our faces, parents were smiling and excited, or so it seemed. Inside I was nervous, I don't normally like other parents. I worry about judgment, about fitting in with the Jones and looking like I have it together.
I don't have it together.
I feel as if I am always one step behind in everything. Getting Rebecca ready for her first day of school was a disaster. She had no clean clothes, the socks she has are WAY to big and her hair has a big thatch of it missing because bubble gum and hair don't mix well. (Yes, peanut butter was used but, rubbed in a circular motion over and over until it became a knot, that even a scout couldn't remove...Jon is learning. He's new to all this) She was bathed the night before, and she smelled sweet and cute. I blow dried her hair and brushed it to camouflage her hair gap. We got up, I made her some french toast and our day began.
I got ready and helped Rebecca get into a shirt that was too small and pants that were to big and waited for Jon to get ready, I ALWAYS wait for Jon. Makes me crazy, makes me crazy.
We arrived at the second hand children’s store and I quickly found the sizes 5-6 area. I just started pulling clothes out, because we were on a very tight schedule. Rebecca was buzzing around finding dresses she wanted to wear for her first day and they all looked like mini prom dresses.
"No, Beck those are too fancy, find something more...functional." Functional? She is 4, functional isn't in her vocabulary!! "Beck find something you can wear everyday." I tried again.
"I want new clothes everyday, not same dress!" she whined.
SIGH.
She sighs.
Jon comes shoving through, "How about this?" He is holding up a sweater and a pair of pants.
"I like the sweater, hate the pants" I say.
"What’s wrong with the pants?" he says
"Nineteen 80's called they want their pants back" I mumble.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, I just said...they look small" Close one, dodged that bullet. He gets so defensive if I question his awesome tastes. This is the man that wears black socks with Jesus sandals, kaki shorts and a button down shirt that is too short for him. I have told him, he doesn't care. I stopped telling him.
Anyways we pick up a few items, we did it with arguing, it couldn't be avoided, he has no idea what kids wear these days and was mocking some of my selections. I was getting annoyed and just started ignoring him all together.
It was 10:30 and she starts school at 12:15. We still had to hit Wal-Mart before we went home, to get socks so I was feeling very rushed.
Jon hates to be rushed.
I got into my battle stance. "We have to hurry, we are running out of time" I said
"I AMMMM." he snaps
See.
Hates being rushed.
We quickly rush into Wal-Mart, we stop in the cooler section to pick up her snack for class, and cheese strings it is. I tell Jon I will go to McDonalds with Beck and get a Happy Meal so she will be fed before school, also to be honest, I was emotional and needed to feed it away. I asked Jon to find socks, pay and meet us at the golden arches.
He was back in two minutes, with the items, not paid for.
The control freak in me, RAGED, but I remained calm outside and ate like I have never eaten before so I can escape somewhere and plot his death while I pay for the items so we can leave.
I scurried away saw the huge lines before me.
My eye twitched. My anger boiled up inside me, I ducked into the stationary section and tried to calm myself, stationary soothes me. I picked up a book that was pretty, for my book of me (future blog will explain this) and headed to the self serve area to pay.
"Raquel!" Jon shouts across the way. "We need to go right now!"
Why is murder illegal? Wives have rights! We vote! New rules!
I quickly beep a couple items in, when Rebecca wants to "Help". Ok, 4years old never actually help, just in case you weren't aware.
"Ok Beck, take this black thingy here and beep that across the screen thingy here."
"She knows what to do." Jon sighs.
Rebecca fumbles with it for a few minute, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries to line it up...and...then...
I snatched it away.
Good grief, I'm not built for this.
She gets upset, Jon scowls at me, I continue beeping things in a frenzy and ignore everyone.
In the car everyone is quiet. I have my eyes closed because Jon scares the shit out of me driving, so if I meet my untimely death, at least I don't have to see it.
I roll down the window, feel the breeze on my face and exhale. Ok. I can do this. I can be the loving mommy saying goodbye to her little girl and be normal.
I really thought by this stage of my life I would be normal. WHAT THE HELL IS NORMAL??!!
We get to the house, I strip Rebecca down and pull off tags and get her into her blouse and pants. The phone is ringing and I want to ignore it but the mother in me, thinks what if it's one of the kids that need you. I shuffle towards the phone, crook in on my shoulder and bark hello.
"Hey Mom, its Amanda. I'm all most at the school."
Rebecca is eyeing a her left over French toast, (still on the table from breakfast of course), and I am shooing her away from it.
"Awww your here for Beck's first day. You’re the greatest, meet us at the school." I quickly say. Rebecca is asking me something but I can't pay attention. Where is Jon?
"Which part of the school?" Amanda asks.
"The back." I say.
"By the tarmac?"
"I DON'T KNOW! Sure. Tarmac. Be there. Bye." ARGH details drive me crazy. Just show up and look around until you find me, I will be the one with the wild eyes and the crazy look.
"Mom, what if Amanda doesn't find us?" Beck pipes up.
"She will, she knows your school, she used to go there too." I say rushed like. I'm brushing her hair, I see Jon is stuffing her new backpack with a juice box and a cheese string and an apple. Glad I didn't kill him. Really glad.
We race to the car and buckle everyone in and race to the school.
We get a parking spot close and I take Rebecca out and start heading towards the school. I see Amanda and Bernie her boyfriend. I wave. Rebecca waves. No idea about Jon. He of course is behind us somewhere.
Amanda hugs Rebecca and I look down to see her face.
Rebecca is looking scared.
I crouch down and hold her.
"Today is going to be amazing, you'll see. Look at everyone here, new friends, new teacher, Amanda is here, Aiden is out there playing somewhere. It's going to be a great day." I whisper.
"Will my daycare know where to pick me up? " she asks.
"They sure do." I answered.
"But I don't know where to see them." She says.
"Your teacher will know." I look over to Jon and motion him over to us. "Daddy, the teacher knows where Rebecca goes for pick up right?"
"Yep, Rebecca there are other kids in your class that go to your daycare so everyone knows where to be. Don't worry." He hugs her.
Teacher comes out, starts hustling the kids into line. Other kids are talking to Rebecca but she is focused to the front. She just wants to get it over with. She is scared, and thoughtful.
So am I.
I look up at Amanda, I remember her first day. I smile. She was exactly like Rebecca on her first day. She was also scared and thoughtful, and she made it through. Now, she is a beautiful woman, who loves her family, who is here for her sister and here for her mother. I was chaos then and I am chaos now, and it seems to work.
"Rebecca!" I call. "I love you, have a great day."
"I whove you too mommy" she says and waves.
I wave back. I remember waving at Trevor, at Amanda, at Melanie, at Emilee, and at Aiden. My heart wells up with love and sadness.
This is my last first day of school.
It sure is Bittersweet.
I don't have it together.
I feel as if I am always one step behind in everything. Getting Rebecca ready for her first day of school was a disaster. She had no clean clothes, the socks she has are WAY to big and her hair has a big thatch of it missing because bubble gum and hair don't mix well. (Yes, peanut butter was used but, rubbed in a circular motion over and over until it became a knot, that even a scout couldn't remove...Jon is learning. He's new to all this) She was bathed the night before, and she smelled sweet and cute. I blow dried her hair and brushed it to camouflage her hair gap. We got up, I made her some french toast and our day began.
I got ready and helped Rebecca get into a shirt that was too small and pants that were to big and waited for Jon to get ready, I ALWAYS wait for Jon. Makes me crazy, makes me crazy.
We arrived at the second hand children’s store and I quickly found the sizes 5-6 area. I just started pulling clothes out, because we were on a very tight schedule. Rebecca was buzzing around finding dresses she wanted to wear for her first day and they all looked like mini prom dresses.
"No, Beck those are too fancy, find something more...functional." Functional? She is 4, functional isn't in her vocabulary!! "Beck find something you can wear everyday." I tried again.
"I want new clothes everyday, not same dress!" she whined.
SIGH.
She sighs.
Jon comes shoving through, "How about this?" He is holding up a sweater and a pair of pants.
"I like the sweater, hate the pants" I say.
"What’s wrong with the pants?" he says
"Nineteen 80's called they want their pants back" I mumble.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, I just said...they look small" Close one, dodged that bullet. He gets so defensive if I question his awesome tastes. This is the man that wears black socks with Jesus sandals, kaki shorts and a button down shirt that is too short for him. I have told him, he doesn't care. I stopped telling him.
Anyways we pick up a few items, we did it with arguing, it couldn't be avoided, he has no idea what kids wear these days and was mocking some of my selections. I was getting annoyed and just started ignoring him all together.
It was 10:30 and she starts school at 12:15. We still had to hit Wal-Mart before we went home, to get socks so I was feeling very rushed.
Jon hates to be rushed.
I got into my battle stance. "We have to hurry, we are running out of time" I said
"I AMMMM." he snaps
See.
Hates being rushed.
We quickly rush into Wal-Mart, we stop in the cooler section to pick up her snack for class, and cheese strings it is. I tell Jon I will go to McDonalds with Beck and get a Happy Meal so she will be fed before school, also to be honest, I was emotional and needed to feed it away. I asked Jon to find socks, pay and meet us at the golden arches.
He was back in two minutes, with the items, not paid for.
The control freak in me, RAGED, but I remained calm outside and ate like I have never eaten before so I can escape somewhere and plot his death while I pay for the items so we can leave.
I scurried away saw the huge lines before me.
My eye twitched. My anger boiled up inside me, I ducked into the stationary section and tried to calm myself, stationary soothes me. I picked up a book that was pretty, for my book of me (future blog will explain this) and headed to the self serve area to pay.
"Raquel!" Jon shouts across the way. "We need to go right now!"
Why is murder illegal? Wives have rights! We vote! New rules!
I quickly beep a couple items in, when Rebecca wants to "Help". Ok, 4years old never actually help, just in case you weren't aware.
"Ok Beck, take this black thingy here and beep that across the screen thingy here."
"She knows what to do." Jon sighs.
Rebecca fumbles with it for a few minute, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries to line it up...and...then...
I snatched it away.
Good grief, I'm not built for this.
She gets upset, Jon scowls at me, I continue beeping things in a frenzy and ignore everyone.
In the car everyone is quiet. I have my eyes closed because Jon scares the shit out of me driving, so if I meet my untimely death, at least I don't have to see it.
I roll down the window, feel the breeze on my face and exhale. Ok. I can do this. I can be the loving mommy saying goodbye to her little girl and be normal.
I really thought by this stage of my life I would be normal. WHAT THE HELL IS NORMAL??!!
We get to the house, I strip Rebecca down and pull off tags and get her into her blouse and pants. The phone is ringing and I want to ignore it but the mother in me, thinks what if it's one of the kids that need you. I shuffle towards the phone, crook in on my shoulder and bark hello.
"Hey Mom, its Amanda. I'm all most at the school."
Rebecca is eyeing a her left over French toast, (still on the table from breakfast of course), and I am shooing her away from it.
"Awww your here for Beck's first day. You’re the greatest, meet us at the school." I quickly say. Rebecca is asking me something but I can't pay attention. Where is Jon?
"Which part of the school?" Amanda asks.
"The back." I say.
"By the tarmac?"
"I DON'T KNOW! Sure. Tarmac. Be there. Bye." ARGH details drive me crazy. Just show up and look around until you find me, I will be the one with the wild eyes and the crazy look.
"Mom, what if Amanda doesn't find us?" Beck pipes up.
"She will, she knows your school, she used to go there too." I say rushed like. I'm brushing her hair, I see Jon is stuffing her new backpack with a juice box and a cheese string and an apple. Glad I didn't kill him. Really glad.
We race to the car and buckle everyone in and race to the school.
We get a parking spot close and I take Rebecca out and start heading towards the school. I see Amanda and Bernie her boyfriend. I wave. Rebecca waves. No idea about Jon. He of course is behind us somewhere.
Amanda hugs Rebecca and I look down to see her face.
Rebecca is looking scared.
I crouch down and hold her.
"Today is going to be amazing, you'll see. Look at everyone here, new friends, new teacher, Amanda is here, Aiden is out there playing somewhere. It's going to be a great day." I whisper.
"Will my daycare know where to pick me up? " she asks.
"They sure do." I answered.
"But I don't know where to see them." She says.
"Your teacher will know." I look over to Jon and motion him over to us. "Daddy, the teacher knows where Rebecca goes for pick up right?"
"Yep, Rebecca there are other kids in your class that go to your daycare so everyone knows where to be. Don't worry." He hugs her.
Teacher comes out, starts hustling the kids into line. Other kids are talking to Rebecca but she is focused to the front. She just wants to get it over with. She is scared, and thoughtful.
So am I.
I look up at Amanda, I remember her first day. I smile. She was exactly like Rebecca on her first day. She was also scared and thoughtful, and she made it through. Now, she is a beautiful woman, who loves her family, who is here for her sister and here for her mother. I was chaos then and I am chaos now, and it seems to work.
"Rebecca!" I call. "I love you, have a great day."
"I whove you too mommy" she says and waves.
I wave back. I remember waving at Trevor, at Amanda, at Melanie, at Emilee, and at Aiden. My heart wells up with love and sadness.
This is my last first day of school.
It sure is Bittersweet.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Won't do list
Everyone has a To Do List. I have a couple hundred thousand lost in my messy house somewhere. Finding the lists should go on my To Do List...anyways, before I ramble on about my hell hole...
I decided to write up a Not To Do List. This is brilliant!! I know, I'm a pretty big deal! (Note to self:
Add being a fat head to your Not To Do list)
Anyways, this list is comprised of things I am NOT going to do. Enjoy.
NOT TO DO LIST:
I won't:
1. Use my humor to mask my real feelings. I will only use my humor when I am feeling joyful and secure. The idiot I act like when I am nervous, will only be allowed out when being an idiot is a thoughtful and on purpose matter.
2. Direct my anger towards the people I love, I will karate kick toilet paper rolls or cardboard cut outs of my ex. OMG I want to kick that...
3. Judge others without knowing the whole story, I will seek out more stories and love them for the journey.
4. Harm my body with over exertion. I can't be everything to everyone. Quit trying.
5. Berate myself.
6. Lie to myself, I am what I am, I will own it.
7. Excuse harmful things said to me.
8. Excuse harmful things said to someone else.
9. Let self-hate rule me.
10. Keep up with the Jones, they win. I don't care. Neither do they.
11. Enable someone to keep making bad choices. Sometimes they don't know they need a safety net until they fall without one.
12. Harm myself to help another’s; I can't save them, if I can't save me.
13. Blame myself for other's failures. I will own my part. Nothing more.
14.Allow fear to make decisions for me, fear has made some pretty bad choices, so I am taking the reins of my life back, this time forever.
15. Take joy from things that are harming me or making me sick. I deserve better than that.
Well this is the start of the list, as things occur to me I will add to it.
It's a good start!
I decided to write up a Not To Do List. This is brilliant!! I know, I'm a pretty big deal! (Note to self:
Add being a fat head to your Not To Do list)
Anyways, this list is comprised of things I am NOT going to do. Enjoy.
NOT TO DO LIST:
I won't:
1. Use my humor to mask my real feelings. I will only use my humor when I am feeling joyful and secure. The idiot I act like when I am nervous, will only be allowed out when being an idiot is a thoughtful and on purpose matter.
2. Direct my anger towards the people I love, I will karate kick toilet paper rolls or cardboard cut outs of my ex. OMG I want to kick that...
3. Judge others without knowing the whole story, I will seek out more stories and love them for the journey.
4. Harm my body with over exertion. I can't be everything to everyone. Quit trying.
5. Berate myself.
6. Lie to myself, I am what I am, I will own it.
7. Excuse harmful things said to me.
8. Excuse harmful things said to someone else.
9. Let self-hate rule me.
10. Keep up with the Jones, they win. I don't care. Neither do they.
11. Enable someone to keep making bad choices. Sometimes they don't know they need a safety net until they fall without one.
12. Harm myself to help another’s; I can't save them, if I can't save me.
13. Blame myself for other's failures. I will own my part. Nothing more.
14.Allow fear to make decisions for me, fear has made some pretty bad choices, so I am taking the reins of my life back, this time forever.
15. Take joy from things that are harming me or making me sick. I deserve better than that.
Well this is the start of the list, as things occur to me I will add to it.
It's a good start!
Just breathe
It never ceases to amaze me, how much fear rules us all.
I am not the only person on the earth that is running from fear. Fear is in all of us.
Now that I am running WITH my fear, as apposed to running away from fear, (hoping to eventually stop running and FACE fear), I can look around me and see that there is a whole marathon of fear runners, some of us are jogging at a nice calm pace, some running full out, sweating and out of breath, ready to collapse from their exertion.
One of the greatest realizations I have had, is that fear comes out as anger sometimes. My Dad, love him, is a classic fear/anger guy. When he is in a moment of total fear he lashes out in anger, always has, always will. Knowing that, I can step back when he is lashing out at me and see him for who he really is, someone that has lived the same painful life as me, more painful because he didn't have a childhood where things were pretty easy, he battles his own fears in his own way.
I also realize that I scare the shit out of him. I am his only surviving family member, THAT IS pretty terrifying. I am the least secure one of our family, as in, when he makes me scared or angry I do a disappearing act. I don't call, I don't write, I ignore him and cease to exist, for a long period of time. Just writing this now, I just realized, I am scaring my dad, and that hurts me, because that hurts him. I am scaring the person in the world I am most afraid of. WOW!
Why am I scared of him? He never physically hurts me, he controls his temper enough for that, but when he feels scared or trapped, he says the meanest things he can think of to push me away. All the self-hate that resides in me, in my head, hear his insults, his anger and his distain and they feed on it. I grow to hate myself, and I fall apart, I spread my hatred into anger, and I push everyone I love away from me, because I no longer believe I deserve love and I actually don't want it.
We all have felt this way. I know that. We ALL have someone we think is judging us, and they probably are, and we take that opinion and we let it override our own opinion, let it destroy our inner peace, the self love we have built and the confidence we have worked hard to rebuild.
Damn, that’s horrible. Why are we judging each other? Why is this concept even happening?
Such crap.
This needs to stop. We all do it. I think we do it to divert attention away from ourselves, to give people something else to look at. "Don't look at me and all the crap I am carrying...look at THAT person!”? This is a cycle I would like to stop. It won't be easy, because it's there to take focus away from my own flaws, but its time to see them, answer them and leave others alone to do the same thing.
I am guilty of judgment, not often, but I do it. Although I usually only judge my judgers, I have accidentally shot an innocent down with my biting comments. That’s not fair. I don't know the story behind why they are making mistakes. Who am I to expect perfection from anyone? It is impossible. It is hateful to make someone try harder to be accepted by you. It is hateful to predetermine someone is unworthy of love by some mistakes they have made. Probably the same mistakes we would make if we had the same story.
Oh I won't stop calling people on their crap if I don't think they already know it, because sometimes people do the things they do because they have no idea it's harming others. So I will let people know from time to time that they are hurting others, but I will try to keep judgment out of it and try to find out why this person is struggling instead. So they don't have to fear me, so they can stop running from the fear, so they can breathe.
Being fearless is not possible. I wish it were. Before I breathe my last breath, I want to be rid of it all, take that final breath without the constriction of fear, without the worry of judgment, without hesitation.
I just want to breathe and fill my lungs and take peace.
Just Breathe.
I am not the only person on the earth that is running from fear. Fear is in all of us.
Now that I am running WITH my fear, as apposed to running away from fear, (hoping to eventually stop running and FACE fear), I can look around me and see that there is a whole marathon of fear runners, some of us are jogging at a nice calm pace, some running full out, sweating and out of breath, ready to collapse from their exertion.
One of the greatest realizations I have had, is that fear comes out as anger sometimes. My Dad, love him, is a classic fear/anger guy. When he is in a moment of total fear he lashes out in anger, always has, always will. Knowing that, I can step back when he is lashing out at me and see him for who he really is, someone that has lived the same painful life as me, more painful because he didn't have a childhood where things were pretty easy, he battles his own fears in his own way.
I also realize that I scare the shit out of him. I am his only surviving family member, THAT IS pretty terrifying. I am the least secure one of our family, as in, when he makes me scared or angry I do a disappearing act. I don't call, I don't write, I ignore him and cease to exist, for a long period of time. Just writing this now, I just realized, I am scaring my dad, and that hurts me, because that hurts him. I am scaring the person in the world I am most afraid of. WOW!
Why am I scared of him? He never physically hurts me, he controls his temper enough for that, but when he feels scared or trapped, he says the meanest things he can think of to push me away. All the self-hate that resides in me, in my head, hear his insults, his anger and his distain and they feed on it. I grow to hate myself, and I fall apart, I spread my hatred into anger, and I push everyone I love away from me, because I no longer believe I deserve love and I actually don't want it.
We all have felt this way. I know that. We ALL have someone we think is judging us, and they probably are, and we take that opinion and we let it override our own opinion, let it destroy our inner peace, the self love we have built and the confidence we have worked hard to rebuild.
Damn, that’s horrible. Why are we judging each other? Why is this concept even happening?
Such crap.
This needs to stop. We all do it. I think we do it to divert attention away from ourselves, to give people something else to look at. "Don't look at me and all the crap I am carrying...look at THAT person!”? This is a cycle I would like to stop. It won't be easy, because it's there to take focus away from my own flaws, but its time to see them, answer them and leave others alone to do the same thing.
I am guilty of judgment, not often, but I do it. Although I usually only judge my judgers, I have accidentally shot an innocent down with my biting comments. That’s not fair. I don't know the story behind why they are making mistakes. Who am I to expect perfection from anyone? It is impossible. It is hateful to make someone try harder to be accepted by you. It is hateful to predetermine someone is unworthy of love by some mistakes they have made. Probably the same mistakes we would make if we had the same story.
Oh I won't stop calling people on their crap if I don't think they already know it, because sometimes people do the things they do because they have no idea it's harming others. So I will let people know from time to time that they are hurting others, but I will try to keep judgment out of it and try to find out why this person is struggling instead. So they don't have to fear me, so they can stop running from the fear, so they can breathe.
Being fearless is not possible. I wish it were. Before I breathe my last breath, I want to be rid of it all, take that final breath without the constriction of fear, without the worry of judgment, without hesitation.
I just want to breathe and fill my lungs and take peace.
Just Breathe.
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