It's about time

Here is the thing about helping others; they always end up helping you back. Whenever there is someone that needs me, I try to be there some how and help. What ends up happening is that they end up helping me more then I helped them.

Take for instance my friend Wayne. He called me because he was lower than a snakes belly about his split up with his wife and how she is moving on much faster than him. We sat down and discussed him moving on himself, and how to discover and love him. Wayne works TOO hard, he is constantly in motion. I told him to knock it off, and start doing the things that make him happy. Fishing, hunting...boy things. I asked him why is he constantly doing stuff for everyone and not letting them figure things out for themselves, and he said because he hates confrontation. Don't we all? This society tells us to be pleasant and to keep peace and FAKE being happy. I disagree. We all want to be happy sure, but at what cost? True happiness isn't telling people what they expect to hear and dancing to a tune that isn't yours, its living authentic. Helping others is great but as long as it isn't going to cost you, you. I asked him point blank; don't you deserve a great life too? He said I don't know. You don't know??!! How tragic! Here before me is a great man, who has worked 3 jobs to provide for his family and a failing marriage, a man who is loyal and kind and loving and he doesn't know if he deserves a better life? Yes Wayne you do, we all do. Being in love with yourself is the greatest gift you can give. Spend some time alone, go fishing, have dinner but romance yourself back in love with yourself.



During this whole conversation I mentioned how I am learning to love myself again, that I am still a disaster in so many ways. I told him about the "Jason Smith Call Incident" and how I am a loser for still grieving like that after 13 years.

Wayne stopped me; keep in mind he is the first person to see me when I got the news that Jason had died. I ran across the street away from Glenn, away from my mom on the phone, away from the pain, when it caught up with me and I collapsed on the ground outside Wayne and Kristy's house. Kristy picked me up and took me inside and I was screaming...the ..pain. (deep breath)

Anyways, Wayne stopped me and said this.

"You not STILL, grieving?"
"Yes I am, Jason has been gone for 13 years and I still fall apart at any mention of his name or if anyone brings up his loss." I said.

" No Raquel, you have NEVER grieved him." Wayne said quietly. "When did you have time?"

Then, in Tim Hortons with my friend, I remembered.

What happened after Jason died?

MY LIFE.

MY COMPICATED LIFE!!

Here is what happened right after he died.

G and I lost our house. He got toxic from a ruptured appendix and was in and out of hospital for 3 months and couldn't get EI because he was a contractor. We had decided not to get disability insurance for our home when we got our mortgage and lost it as a result. The debt grew and we both had to file for bankrupt.


We had three children under 7 and we were homeless and bankrupt.

We moved back to Calgary to be closer to my parents, I thought they would want me around more after we lost Jay. I was wrong. Looking back now, they had lost two other children and I was a constant reminder of what was missing. Both of my parents couldn't be around me. I understand why now. I didn't then. I thought they just were sick of my crap and me and walking away from me, because Jason was the one they really loved. I know...lame but it was how I felt. I was 24 years old. Young. Too young for all of what was happening.


My marriage was failing fast. G and I were on our last legs. I was through caring about our ruined relationship and didn't want to face it anymore. I was having hard enough time breathing and just couldn't fight anymore.

G and I breaking up brought with it the reality that I had no education, no work experience and no way to support my children alone. I had been a stay at home mom since 16. I had to find a way to get on my own two feet. I moved in with parents for a couple months why I worked and inquired about school. We were all stressed, sad and crowded. I got my student loans for school and applied for low income housing, to move us away from my overwhelmed parents, to start over our new life and to give us all a break.

Soon after G left, we found out he had cancer. It was serious and the prognosis wasn't good. He began treatment and between going to school, working and and taking the the children to see him at the hospital, I was exhausted and sad.

I started another relationship, well not really started I knew J for years I just decided we should be together when honestly, I shouldn't have. I became pregnant with Emilee and the juggling act I was performing went sideways. My student loans were based on G paying child support, which of course, he couldn't so with the missing money, the children and I really had nothing. Low-income housing was horrible, the money didn't go far enough and I couldn't manage it all. Somehow, I graduated my accounting and administration course, birthed Emilee and G survived.

I got a pretty good first job, J was in my life and had moved in with me and finances were better. When G was strong enough to get out of the hospital, he went back to work. He had lost pretty much everything because of his illness and I told him to not worry about child support, just get back on his feet so he can help with the kids when he has recovered.

A year went by and soon G was back on his feet and able to help. Life was sorting out.

By now we were in 2001. J and I were falling apart. Getting into a relationship and taking on loving someone else was too much for me. I was still so angry about my life, was sad and couldn't understand why and taking it out on everyone. I was ANGRY! SO FREAKING ANGRY!! I just wanted to quit, I didn't want to breath or think about anything I just wanted to be left alone.

I got what I asked for.

J and I ended, in a dramatic horrible way.

I asked G to take the kids while I got myself together. I told him I just needed to secure a place. He agreed to help me. I thought he would because I helped him. I thought he believed in me like I believed in him. I was wrong.

I worked two jobs to try and get my life back.

My anger mixed with my dad's anger and I was homeless. I left with my mom crying and telling me to have a great life.

I already knew Jon. He picked me up. Took me to his home and loved me when I sure the hell didn't want it.

I was alone.

It was now 2003. I didn't call my mom on her birthday on the 25 of January but she called me.


"Faye I have to fix this. I can't let this happen to you, to your children and to our family!" she cried. "Please meet me so we can fix this"

I met with her. She was so frail and sick looking. I was stunned by her change in the month. I was still so angry. I told her I didn't want Dad in my life. I told her she hurt me by choosing him. I told her my whole life is screwed because no one gives a shit about me. I don't give a shit about me!!

Over dinner we talked about my relationships, Dad, G,J and Jon. How my choices were ruining my life. How she knew I could fix it. I just had to get back up and fight.
I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. I was sad. I was lost.
Our dinner ended with mom telling me she would call me before she left for Thailand. She was leaving Feb. 4th I think.

I went home that evening and decided to fight...a little more. I called my kids. Told them I would get it together and we would be together soon. Talked to G and told him I could probably take the kids back the beginning of next month.

The week went by, I was looking for a place with Jon, big enough for everyone. I had a job and was fighting to get it all back. When it all came tumbling down.

I got to work and there was a message to call my Dad. As if I am going to call him, I am starting to feel better. My boss told me my dad said my mom was in the hospital. No Emergency. I left my job…actually I got fired.
Somehow I got to the hospital, found my mom's room, walked into it hoping to find her ok like the message said, and ......I didn't.

Her skin was yellow and her warm loving eyes were yellow too. I stood at the door in total shock when suddenly I could hear my dad yelling through the fog of my fear..." Nice of you to show up? No one can get a hold of you because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself, your mom is here sick as shit and your who knows where!!?? I turned towards him and stuttered out" I was going to work. I didn't...know I just..didn't know"

He kept yelling and I looked back at my mom and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't know what to do, I can't fight with Dad here, not with mom...like that, I remember opening and closing my mouth and no sound coming out.

Jeanne my mom's best friend ushered my dad out of the room so I could talk to my mom alone, without the berating.

"Mom. What's happening?" I squeaked as I moved towards her bed and held her soft, warm yellow hand.

"We're not sure yet" she said with a tear rolling down her face. She pushed the bangs out of my eyes and tried to smile at me.

"You should go Faye, your dad is too mad right now."

"But Mom, I don't want to leave you, I shouldn't go, I should be here with you."

"But your dad is very pissed off at you" she said. "Just go I will have Jeanne call you when he isn't here so you can come see me. Just go Faye.

"But..." tears streamed down my face. " I...need...you"

"I know, and Jeanne will call. I promise." She whispered.

"I love you Mom." I sobbed.

" I love you too" she waved as I backed out the door. I stumbled down the hall and leaned against the wall.

Dad vs Me.

She chose Dad.

I lost again.
Anger boiled in me, rising up and swallowing me down whole. I fell and fell and fell. Into darkness.

Jon picked me up at the hospital, took me to his home. I called my ex and told him my mom was sick and I needed more time to get on my feet now. I asked him if he could keep the kids a little longer, until I knew what was happening with my mom. He said of course. Just take care of your mom. I talked to my kids and comforted them and assured them Grandma would be ok. I told them I would call them later, when I knew more. I wished them a good night, and hung up and cried.

I crawled into bed and closed my eyes and didn't move for days. I didn't eat, I didn't drink, I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to be anything.

Phone rang.
Mom could see me. Dad was busy that afternoon. I got up, got dressed and went to see her. There were many people there. Allowed to see her. Allowed to be loved and welcomed and accepted. Not me. I was the outcast. Everyone one there was judging me, seeing a loser and a screw up. Someone who doesn't even visit thier own mother, when she is sick.
A selfish horrible person.
I smiled. I joked. I acted like the loser everyone expected me to be and when my time was up I left before Dad came back. I bussed home. Numb.

When I got home, I went and laid on the bed and sobbed.
I am alone. Just like I expected when Jason died. ALONE!
The door knocked. I wanted to ignore it, but I thought maybe Jon forgot his keys. I went to the door and opened it.
"Raquel Smith?'
"Yes"
"You've been served"
"What??!" I ripped open the documents and stared at a petition to have G take custody of my children.

No. G wouldn't! He wouldn't do this!!? I raised those kids alone, I asked him for help, he knows my mom is sick. He wouldn't hurt me like this??!! Why is he doing this??!! I took care of them alone when he was sick??!! Why is he doing this!! WHY!!!??
And the answer was so simple. Because he could. Because I trusted him and I allowed him to have the upper hand, by falling apart, by being weak and trusting. By believing in him and hoping he believed in me, I would lose...everything.
Phone was ringing. I answered it. It was my dad.

"Rat. I need to see you. It's about mom. Can you meet me?"
"Sure Dad" I croaked. "Jon will be home soon, he will give me a lift where ever you want"

"Wendy's on Macleod by the Future Shop ok?"
"K Dad. See you there."
We hung up.

When I met up with Dad he told me Mom had ovarian cancer. It was everywhere. He said tomorrow they will go through treatment options. I should be there for that at least....right...he is one of them that think I'm not there by choice.

"You bet Dad. I'll try and make a better effort." Go ahead and hate me, join the club, you’re the founder. G is the co-chair person. The world is your voters. See how many you both can get to hate me? It’s a race.
GO!

Jon was waiting in the car.

"So what's happening?" Jon asked.

"Mom has cancer." I muttered.
Jon rubs my arm. "It's all going to be ok." he says." You watch."

"Nope. It's not." I said. My voice was without feeling; I was tired of pretending I was something I'm not. I'm not someone that has luck, I'm not someone that has a happy ending, and I’m not someone that God listens to.
"How can you say that?" Jon said.

"Look at my train wreck of a life? Do you see it ALL GOING OK!!!!! Do I ever get an ok? DO I DO I!!???

We drove home in silence.
Then things happened like a movie played in fast forward.

Feb 16-I find out I'm pregnant.

Feb 17th-Tell mom.

Feb 17th -Advised to stay away from dad.

I'm set on a schedule of when dad isn't around.

April 11-My birthday comes, Mom sees me. Gives me card it says she is sorry my 30th can't be more special. I tell her I don't care. I DON'T care. I don't want to celebrate my birth.

May 1st-Results come in from the chemo. It isn't working.

Mom calls me and asks me to come and see her. I walk into the house and my dad is in the living room with her. I lean against the door. "What's up?"

Dad speaks up first. "Your mom is terminal"
I slide to the floor and sit on the edge facing my parents. "God no. Please no. There is nothing we can do?" I cry.

"No Faye." Mom says. "Dad is going to try some holistic stuff to make things slower but...what can I say?"



"Do they know how long?" I whispered. I could feel the pain ebbing up inside me. It was choking me. I don't want to know, please don't tell me.
"They don't know Faye, probably a few months."
A few could be 11 months, because they would say years if they meant a year. I have 11 months to get my life together and prove to her I'm not a loser. 11 months to make her proud of me. She will see this new baby, she will get to know Jon, she will be here to see my life finally be ok...right?

I crawled across the floor and laid my head in my mom's lap. She brushed her fingers through my hair and we cried together. Dad came over and hugged what was left of his family and said " Rat we have to work this out. Your mom needs us both. I'll do my part."

"I'll do my part too Dad, Mom. I will try so hard."

So that night, I went home and started to send out resumes. I need a job and a house to get my kids back. I got a lawyer to fight G. I planned how to get my life in order so my mom could see me, ok and something she would be proud of. Someone worthy of such a great mom. She is a great mom; I should be a great kid. I will be a great person. I'll prove to her I will be something worth while. So everyone can say that beautiful child is Jacinthe's.
Next day I got a job. I couldn't wait to tell my mom.

"Now?!?" my mom said. "Why now?"

Looking from the outside now, I know what she must have been thinking. Why are you getting a job now Raquel? I'm dying. I need you. Don't you need to spend as much time as possible with me because I need to spend as much time possible with you."

"It's a great job, and I need to get a bigger place so I can fight G for the kids." I said. Mom I have to prove to you I am something. I want you to be able to go to God with peace because I am ok, because you brought up a great and wonderful daughter and everyone will know it. Let me show you how wonderful I can be.

"But can you wait until...they baby is born?" Can you wait until I go? Don't you understand our time is short?

"Nah. They said I can work right up till the baby is born." I can save as much money as possible so that when the baby is born I can still take care of everything. This way you know I will take good care of this baby.

"I don't think this is a good idea" Mom said with a sigh. I will never see this baby. Will he be ok? Will Raquel be ok? She doesn't get what is going on. Raquel, you don't get what is going on??!!

"Well Mom, I have to" Mom I have to.
"Ok fine." Please don't.

I lasted 2 weeks before my mom started showing signs of decline. She had to be put on oxygen. My dad flipped out. He was scared. I just cried.
Then the hospice nurse came over to have my mom sign the do not resuscitate order. WHAT!? If she stops living we aren't suppose to do anything??

My mom and Aunty Yolande were busy getting everything ready for a life without her. All my mom's things were being given away, her clothes, her cross stitches, her slippers...HER! Everything was heading out the door. I kept being asked if I wanted anything, I said no. Mom is right here. Don't need stuff to love her, I need HER.

Time passed super quickly. Mom was sleeping most of the time. We were told that near the end she would do that.

NEAR THE END!!? That was only 1 and half months! She can't be leaving yet. I'm still nothing. Everyone still thinks I'm a loser! Please don't go Mom; I'm so much more than this.

She only lasted 2 months.
She went home. With Jason. With Melanie. She is with two of her children.
This child.
This beautiful daughter of Jacinthe's could never be a nothing. She has come out of unsurmountable pain, she has been judged and tormented, she lost everything....and found...EVERYTHING.
She is a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. She is worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, worthy of a life better than it has been. She is strong, and brilliant, with so much more to give. She's had lose so much, to gain so much. After I lost mom, I started to rebuild, did everything go perfect?...oh my no. I had so much to fix. It didn't take over night to break it. I have 13 years of mess to clean up.

I have rebuilt my whole life. I now have the love and respect of my children. I have a normal life without too much drama. I have a relationship with my dad, not perfect yet, but healthy.
So.
It's time to grieve.

It's time to say goodbye to my brother and my mom in a normal healthy way.

So life, please pause and allow this to happen.

It's about time.

A good day

Today started as a good day.

I felt amazing today. Woke up feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time. Worked on my business idea till late last night but still woke up feeling great.

My daughter Melanie got up early and made my lunch and had a hot cup of coffee ready for me as I bounced out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. (I always have to pee in the morning as you can tell in a few of my blogs) While I was in there I was listing what I wanted to do today. I wanted to for sure blog today as well as get some of my project done. I got dressed with Melanie sitting on my bed and we both were laughing a lot.

Got into my van and started heading down the Deerfoot, I hate that freaking freeway with my soul but today it was free sailing and only took me 25 minutes to get to work, when the normal is 45 minutes.

I was happy and cheery. Send some funny emails to some friends and decided to check the voicemail at work and the call display to see who tried to call for a quote.

And then it happened.

I was scrolling down the phone numbers when suddenly the name Jason Smith came up. That's my brother’s name. My brain automatically thought you should call your brother back, it might be important, and when my rational mind caught up, I feel apart. Totally absolutely apart.

I was on facebook with a great friend of mine Jenn when I saw the name and this was our conversation.
8:40amMe
damn it!!
You think you have it all together and then suddenly...BAM your crying like a baby

8:40amJenn
whats wrong?
8:41amMe
I was checking messages and the call display and the last call in was from Jason Smith...that's my brothers name... :(

stupid.

8:41amJenn
:(

awwww hunny

8:42amMe
you think that wound is healing then you find out it is but...with a very thin scab

8:42amJenn
yep

8:42amMe

Love crying at work

8:43amJenn
but wouldn't it be great to imagine that he did call, just to say hi...and tell you he is so proud of you and everything you are becoming.

8:43amMe
yeah...
totally

8:43amJenn
So let's just go with that.

8:43amMe

want to call that number back
want it to be him so bad
it...hurts
so much

8:43amJenn
maybe its picture/video time....sounds like you need jason time?

I have teri visits all the time...helps me a lot

8:47amMe

yeah...I avoid that...I fall hard...so hard

so weak when it comes to this grief

8:49amJenn
:(
well thats why you have nets

The pain racked through my body, I cried with huge sobs and couldn't breathe. I ran to the bathroom so the guys I work with wouldn't witness someone break apart.

I sat on the toilet and berated myself.

"STOP THIS"

"STOP MOURNING:

"What is the matter with you? Lots of people lose a sibling and they don't mourn for 13 plus years!! STOP STOP STOP."

Yet the pain continued, and I kept crying.

Why does this world have to be so cruel and allow someone to have pain like this? Loving someone is a risk, a risk that may hurt you this bad...and I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel this crappy, yet here I am, sitting on a toilet sobbing with my heart aching and craving something I will never have again. A craving that I have been filling for years with food and with anger, and because I won't use those things I am vunerable. So I did what I could do. Nothing. I cried and I felt the fear, the loneliness and the sadness and stayed there and accepted it.
I came out of the bathroom when I was just in the hiccupping phase and huddled at my desk. I talked to a few of my "nets" and calmed down. I even started to smile again. Facing my fear and pain was painful, but so was running and eating it away.

For the rest of the afternoon I listened to music that calmed me. I sipped water and reminisced about the past and I simply allowed myself to be calm and silent and reflective. Today I listened to my heart, my mind and my soul and didn’t eat to bury it.
Today was a good day.

Boundaries

One of the best lessons in life that I learned and have started putting into play is making boundaries. Knowing you means knowing what you will and will not take from someone else. Having people you love and people you can't stand in your life, happens. These people have to understand your rules of play and follow them or you demand them and walk away.

For example: I was having a horrible time with my ex husband. Constant fighting, he says, she says, his wife vs. me ect ect. my kids were the causality to this war. The day I decided to make boundaries with G, his wife and my children my life became more peaceful.

The rules are simple. I will not engage in a war with them, they are not welcome into my home in any way shape or form, if they have nothing positive to say then my kids need to tell them to quit it, my kids have permission to tell me to quit it and my privacy is respected or you will not be trusted. It's a hard place to put the kids but this way there isn't any more war.

The same goes with anyone really. If you don't make me feel good, or you hurt me I owe you the truth so you can stop doing it. This is empowering. Just stating the truth in a loving way is magical. Loving yourself enough to not allow people to hurt you is amazing.

Lots of us are people pleasers, we let people have free range on our feelings and we keep it all inside because we don't want to hurt or offend anyone. Who are we helping by doing that? Them? No. They have no idea they are so offensive so they keep on taking and hurting and being selfish because they don't know otherwise. Us? Hell no. Your constantly aching because your mind believes the things someone has said against you. Then the self-doubt comes and with that, all the addictions and coping techniques we have to survive.

STOP!

Stop allowing pain to come your way. Stop being a door mat and stand up and defend yourself. STOP hurting yourself. You are the author of your story and you know who you are and you love you, would you let someone harm your mom or your children by saying things to them that would destroy them? NO! So do that for yourself, even if you have to just shout STOP to this person. When they ask what they are stopping let them have it in a loving and caring way.

Make boundaries. If you don’t have any yet then now is a good time to sit down and write some up.

Here are some to start your list.

1. I will not take any insults.

2. Comments about my lifestyle or choices will be address immediately. Example: Your house is always a mess. Your answer: My home and life shouldn't be your business. Saying that makes me feel like shit, so if you don't like my house the way it is, clean it and help me instead of getting joy from hurting me, or comparing me to you.

3. I will not allow harmful people into my life. (we all have those people lurking around, the ones that say underhanded things about you.)

4. I will only own my part of a problem. I won't take on everyone else’s.

Go from there. I now have lots of rules of conduct.

Sometimes I get a twinge of guilt when I let someone know they have hurt me or offended me.

But I have to protect the ones I love.

Do over.

If we pay attention, we can find a greater life, no matter where we are, no matter who we are, no matter what our circumstances are. If you tune into the mysterious coincidences in your life, if you discover and then follow your intuitions, you will find that there's a door of opportunity for a greater life for you.


Ok I'm paying attention. Not just to myself, but to the others around me. We all have great potential, we were born with all these amazing talents and gifts and throughout life something or someone took them from us.

Well I am taking it back. I am coming up with my own personal truth and only believing the TRUTH about me. Do I love to sing? YES Do I love to dance? YES!! Am I amazing? YES. So no one will ever convince me otherwise. I have to forgive myself my mistakes, and every day I am doing that more and more. I have to move on towards a place where in my heart I feel content and satisfied with my life. I have to reach up and pull out of me the best of me.

Everyone reading this should do this. All of us are struggling in our own way and we all have to reach in and find the hole in our heart and fix it. Really fix it!! WHAT is it that we are running from? What is the fear that has you not taking care of yourself, not believing in yourself and not living your best life? That fear has more power over you then the love you have for yourself and others. That fear is owning you.

I know my fear has owned me. I have made a lifetime of choices based on my fears. All my wise and unwise choices have been based on my fear of being alone and being sad. I am crippled by abandonment. I choose to have a large family because of this fear. I wanted to never be alone and made this large family to protect me from that. I was then fearful that my children would be alone and made sure that would never happen. Being a child that grew up with a sibling then suddenly becoming an only child was excruciating. I was a big sister, I was the oldest and I had a role and then suddenly I didn't have anyone to be a big sister to. I was lost...I still am, but I am finding away to fit in again. I have adopted my new sisters, I'm not really the big sister, but I am part of a family again. I am healing my relationship with my dad. That is the single most important thing I have to do. Only dad and seen and felt the pain I have, only dad has buried his pain the same way I have and only dad can heal me with his acceptance and love. My children have become the single most important thing in my life. I raised them with anger, sadness and determination; I want to spend the rest of my life raising them with love, understanding and compassion. I'm not angry anymore. I'm not angry to be in a world without my brother and my mom, I excited to live in a world that has amazing people that have adopted me, that have stayed close to me while I was falling, and a world filled with the laughter and happiness just waiting for me to obtain.

Fear isn't going to own me anymore.

My life is now a "Do Over."  I'm going to start again and do it right. I will take risks. Encourage myself. Believe in myself. Be there for myself.

I am writing my story over again, where the hero is me.
And I am rooting for her.

Apply within

So I'm chasing my passion and I need some people to come along with me. I am starting a program on recovery. Being fluffy isn't just about over eating and over indulging. Our bodies are programed to naturally be the size it should be. What makes us ignore our own natural triggers and eat or indulge past that?

Over the next months I am investigating this. I need some of my amazing fluffy friends to come on this journey with me. I will be asking some very candid questions and I will be opening up some really hard things but in the end I believe if you fall in love with yourself, if you love you more than anything else you will hear those trigggers again and stop hurting yourself.

I have started on this journey and I have lost 6 lbs without anything else other than working on the inside first. You can't be thin unless you fix what is within. Every week I will be sending you some questions I need you to answer very honestly, candidly and with your heart and soul. I believe this will impact you and your love relationship with yourself and you will hear your body and its demand for better treatment.

I honestly believe in this project. I know because I have  been fluffy flawed and funny and I know I am not alone on this.

If you would like to be part of something amazing. Please email me at fluffyflawedandfunny@hotmail.com

I assure you everything we say to each other is going to be private and your answers will be respected and admired.

I believe in you.

Please come along!!