It's about time

Here is the thing about helping others; they always end up helping you back. Whenever there is someone that needs me, I try to be there some how and help. What ends up happening is that they end up helping me more then I helped them.

Take for instance my friend Wayne. He called me because he was lower than a snakes belly about his split up with his wife and how she is moving on much faster than him. We sat down and discussed him moving on himself, and how to discover and love him. Wayne works TOO hard, he is constantly in motion. I told him to knock it off, and start doing the things that make him happy. Fishing, hunting...boy things. I asked him why is he constantly doing stuff for everyone and not letting them figure things out for themselves, and he said because he hates confrontation. Don't we all? This society tells us to be pleasant and to keep peace and FAKE being happy. I disagree. We all want to be happy sure, but at what cost? True happiness isn't telling people what they expect to hear and dancing to a tune that isn't yours, its living authentic. Helping others is great but as long as it isn't going to cost you, you. I asked him point blank; don't you deserve a great life too? He said I don't know. You don't know??!! How tragic! Here before me is a great man, who has worked 3 jobs to provide for his family and a failing marriage, a man who is loyal and kind and loving and he doesn't know if he deserves a better life? Yes Wayne you do, we all do. Being in love with yourself is the greatest gift you can give. Spend some time alone, go fishing, have dinner but romance yourself back in love with yourself.



During this whole conversation I mentioned how I am learning to love myself again, that I am still a disaster in so many ways. I told him about the "Jason Smith Call Incident" and how I am a loser for still grieving like that after 13 years.

Wayne stopped me; keep in mind he is the first person to see me when I got the news that Jason had died. I ran across the street away from Glenn, away from my mom on the phone, away from the pain, when it caught up with me and I collapsed on the ground outside Wayne and Kristy's house. Kristy picked me up and took me inside and I was screaming...the ..pain. (deep breath)

Anyways, Wayne stopped me and said this.

"You not STILL, grieving?"
"Yes I am, Jason has been gone for 13 years and I still fall apart at any mention of his name or if anyone brings up his loss." I said.

" No Raquel, you have NEVER grieved him." Wayne said quietly. "When did you have time?"

Then, in Tim Hortons with my friend, I remembered.

What happened after Jason died?

MY LIFE.

MY COMPICATED LIFE!!

Here is what happened right after he died.

G and I lost our house. He got toxic from a ruptured appendix and was in and out of hospital for 3 months and couldn't get EI because he was a contractor. We had decided not to get disability insurance for our home when we got our mortgage and lost it as a result. The debt grew and we both had to file for bankrupt.


We had three children under 7 and we were homeless and bankrupt.

We moved back to Calgary to be closer to my parents, I thought they would want me around more after we lost Jay. I was wrong. Looking back now, they had lost two other children and I was a constant reminder of what was missing. Both of my parents couldn't be around me. I understand why now. I didn't then. I thought they just were sick of my crap and me and walking away from me, because Jason was the one they really loved. I know...lame but it was how I felt. I was 24 years old. Young. Too young for all of what was happening.


My marriage was failing fast. G and I were on our last legs. I was through caring about our ruined relationship and didn't want to face it anymore. I was having hard enough time breathing and just couldn't fight anymore.

G and I breaking up brought with it the reality that I had no education, no work experience and no way to support my children alone. I had been a stay at home mom since 16. I had to find a way to get on my own two feet. I moved in with parents for a couple months why I worked and inquired about school. We were all stressed, sad and crowded. I got my student loans for school and applied for low income housing, to move us away from my overwhelmed parents, to start over our new life and to give us all a break.

Soon after G left, we found out he had cancer. It was serious and the prognosis wasn't good. He began treatment and between going to school, working and and taking the the children to see him at the hospital, I was exhausted and sad.

I started another relationship, well not really started I knew J for years I just decided we should be together when honestly, I shouldn't have. I became pregnant with Emilee and the juggling act I was performing went sideways. My student loans were based on G paying child support, which of course, he couldn't so with the missing money, the children and I really had nothing. Low-income housing was horrible, the money didn't go far enough and I couldn't manage it all. Somehow, I graduated my accounting and administration course, birthed Emilee and G survived.

I got a pretty good first job, J was in my life and had moved in with me and finances were better. When G was strong enough to get out of the hospital, he went back to work. He had lost pretty much everything because of his illness and I told him to not worry about child support, just get back on his feet so he can help with the kids when he has recovered.

A year went by and soon G was back on his feet and able to help. Life was sorting out.

By now we were in 2001. J and I were falling apart. Getting into a relationship and taking on loving someone else was too much for me. I was still so angry about my life, was sad and couldn't understand why and taking it out on everyone. I was ANGRY! SO FREAKING ANGRY!! I just wanted to quit, I didn't want to breath or think about anything I just wanted to be left alone.

I got what I asked for.

J and I ended, in a dramatic horrible way.

I asked G to take the kids while I got myself together. I told him I just needed to secure a place. He agreed to help me. I thought he would because I helped him. I thought he believed in me like I believed in him. I was wrong.

I worked two jobs to try and get my life back.

My anger mixed with my dad's anger and I was homeless. I left with my mom crying and telling me to have a great life.

I already knew Jon. He picked me up. Took me to his home and loved me when I sure the hell didn't want it.

I was alone.

It was now 2003. I didn't call my mom on her birthday on the 25 of January but she called me.


"Faye I have to fix this. I can't let this happen to you, to your children and to our family!" she cried. "Please meet me so we can fix this"

I met with her. She was so frail and sick looking. I was stunned by her change in the month. I was still so angry. I told her I didn't want Dad in my life. I told her she hurt me by choosing him. I told her my whole life is screwed because no one gives a shit about me. I don't give a shit about me!!

Over dinner we talked about my relationships, Dad, G,J and Jon. How my choices were ruining my life. How she knew I could fix it. I just had to get back up and fight.
I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. I was sad. I was lost.
Our dinner ended with mom telling me she would call me before she left for Thailand. She was leaving Feb. 4th I think.

I went home that evening and decided to fight...a little more. I called my kids. Told them I would get it together and we would be together soon. Talked to G and told him I could probably take the kids back the beginning of next month.

The week went by, I was looking for a place with Jon, big enough for everyone. I had a job and was fighting to get it all back. When it all came tumbling down.

I got to work and there was a message to call my Dad. As if I am going to call him, I am starting to feel better. My boss told me my dad said my mom was in the hospital. No Emergency. I left my job…actually I got fired.
Somehow I got to the hospital, found my mom's room, walked into it hoping to find her ok like the message said, and ......I didn't.

Her skin was yellow and her warm loving eyes were yellow too. I stood at the door in total shock when suddenly I could hear my dad yelling through the fog of my fear..." Nice of you to show up? No one can get a hold of you because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself, your mom is here sick as shit and your who knows where!!?? I turned towards him and stuttered out" I was going to work. I didn't...know I just..didn't know"

He kept yelling and I looked back at my mom and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't know what to do, I can't fight with Dad here, not with mom...like that, I remember opening and closing my mouth and no sound coming out.

Jeanne my mom's best friend ushered my dad out of the room so I could talk to my mom alone, without the berating.

"Mom. What's happening?" I squeaked as I moved towards her bed and held her soft, warm yellow hand.

"We're not sure yet" she said with a tear rolling down her face. She pushed the bangs out of my eyes and tried to smile at me.

"You should go Faye, your dad is too mad right now."

"But Mom, I don't want to leave you, I shouldn't go, I should be here with you."

"But your dad is very pissed off at you" she said. "Just go I will have Jeanne call you when he isn't here so you can come see me. Just go Faye.

"But..." tears streamed down my face. " I...need...you"

"I know, and Jeanne will call. I promise." She whispered.

"I love you Mom." I sobbed.

" I love you too" she waved as I backed out the door. I stumbled down the hall and leaned against the wall.

Dad vs Me.

She chose Dad.

I lost again.
Anger boiled in me, rising up and swallowing me down whole. I fell and fell and fell. Into darkness.

Jon picked me up at the hospital, took me to his home. I called my ex and told him my mom was sick and I needed more time to get on my feet now. I asked him if he could keep the kids a little longer, until I knew what was happening with my mom. He said of course. Just take care of your mom. I talked to my kids and comforted them and assured them Grandma would be ok. I told them I would call them later, when I knew more. I wished them a good night, and hung up and cried.

I crawled into bed and closed my eyes and didn't move for days. I didn't eat, I didn't drink, I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to be anything.

Phone rang.
Mom could see me. Dad was busy that afternoon. I got up, got dressed and went to see her. There were many people there. Allowed to see her. Allowed to be loved and welcomed and accepted. Not me. I was the outcast. Everyone one there was judging me, seeing a loser and a screw up. Someone who doesn't even visit thier own mother, when she is sick.
A selfish horrible person.
I smiled. I joked. I acted like the loser everyone expected me to be and when my time was up I left before Dad came back. I bussed home. Numb.

When I got home, I went and laid on the bed and sobbed.
I am alone. Just like I expected when Jason died. ALONE!
The door knocked. I wanted to ignore it, but I thought maybe Jon forgot his keys. I went to the door and opened it.
"Raquel Smith?'
"Yes"
"You've been served"
"What??!" I ripped open the documents and stared at a petition to have G take custody of my children.

No. G wouldn't! He wouldn't do this!!? I raised those kids alone, I asked him for help, he knows my mom is sick. He wouldn't hurt me like this??!! Why is he doing this??!! I took care of them alone when he was sick??!! Why is he doing this!! WHY!!!??
And the answer was so simple. Because he could. Because I trusted him and I allowed him to have the upper hand, by falling apart, by being weak and trusting. By believing in him and hoping he believed in me, I would lose...everything.
Phone was ringing. I answered it. It was my dad.

"Rat. I need to see you. It's about mom. Can you meet me?"
"Sure Dad" I croaked. "Jon will be home soon, he will give me a lift where ever you want"

"Wendy's on Macleod by the Future Shop ok?"
"K Dad. See you there."
We hung up.

When I met up with Dad he told me Mom had ovarian cancer. It was everywhere. He said tomorrow they will go through treatment options. I should be there for that at least....right...he is one of them that think I'm not there by choice.

"You bet Dad. I'll try and make a better effort." Go ahead and hate me, join the club, you’re the founder. G is the co-chair person. The world is your voters. See how many you both can get to hate me? It’s a race.
GO!

Jon was waiting in the car.

"So what's happening?" Jon asked.

"Mom has cancer." I muttered.
Jon rubs my arm. "It's all going to be ok." he says." You watch."

"Nope. It's not." I said. My voice was without feeling; I was tired of pretending I was something I'm not. I'm not someone that has luck, I'm not someone that has a happy ending, and I’m not someone that God listens to.
"How can you say that?" Jon said.

"Look at my train wreck of a life? Do you see it ALL GOING OK!!!!! Do I ever get an ok? DO I DO I!!???

We drove home in silence.
Then things happened like a movie played in fast forward.

Feb 16-I find out I'm pregnant.

Feb 17th-Tell mom.

Feb 17th -Advised to stay away from dad.

I'm set on a schedule of when dad isn't around.

April 11-My birthday comes, Mom sees me. Gives me card it says she is sorry my 30th can't be more special. I tell her I don't care. I DON'T care. I don't want to celebrate my birth.

May 1st-Results come in from the chemo. It isn't working.

Mom calls me and asks me to come and see her. I walk into the house and my dad is in the living room with her. I lean against the door. "What's up?"

Dad speaks up first. "Your mom is terminal"
I slide to the floor and sit on the edge facing my parents. "God no. Please no. There is nothing we can do?" I cry.

"No Faye." Mom says. "Dad is going to try some holistic stuff to make things slower but...what can I say?"



"Do they know how long?" I whispered. I could feel the pain ebbing up inside me. It was choking me. I don't want to know, please don't tell me.
"They don't know Faye, probably a few months."
A few could be 11 months, because they would say years if they meant a year. I have 11 months to get my life together and prove to her I'm not a loser. 11 months to make her proud of me. She will see this new baby, she will get to know Jon, she will be here to see my life finally be ok...right?

I crawled across the floor and laid my head in my mom's lap. She brushed her fingers through my hair and we cried together. Dad came over and hugged what was left of his family and said " Rat we have to work this out. Your mom needs us both. I'll do my part."

"I'll do my part too Dad, Mom. I will try so hard."

So that night, I went home and started to send out resumes. I need a job and a house to get my kids back. I got a lawyer to fight G. I planned how to get my life in order so my mom could see me, ok and something she would be proud of. Someone worthy of such a great mom. She is a great mom; I should be a great kid. I will be a great person. I'll prove to her I will be something worth while. So everyone can say that beautiful child is Jacinthe's.
Next day I got a job. I couldn't wait to tell my mom.

"Now?!?" my mom said. "Why now?"

Looking from the outside now, I know what she must have been thinking. Why are you getting a job now Raquel? I'm dying. I need you. Don't you need to spend as much time as possible with me because I need to spend as much time possible with you."

"It's a great job, and I need to get a bigger place so I can fight G for the kids." I said. Mom I have to prove to you I am something. I want you to be able to go to God with peace because I am ok, because you brought up a great and wonderful daughter and everyone will know it. Let me show you how wonderful I can be.

"But can you wait until...they baby is born?" Can you wait until I go? Don't you understand our time is short?

"Nah. They said I can work right up till the baby is born." I can save as much money as possible so that when the baby is born I can still take care of everything. This way you know I will take good care of this baby.

"I don't think this is a good idea" Mom said with a sigh. I will never see this baby. Will he be ok? Will Raquel be ok? She doesn't get what is going on. Raquel, you don't get what is going on??!!

"Well Mom, I have to" Mom I have to.
"Ok fine." Please don't.

I lasted 2 weeks before my mom started showing signs of decline. She had to be put on oxygen. My dad flipped out. He was scared. I just cried.
Then the hospice nurse came over to have my mom sign the do not resuscitate order. WHAT!? If she stops living we aren't suppose to do anything??

My mom and Aunty Yolande were busy getting everything ready for a life without her. All my mom's things were being given away, her clothes, her cross stitches, her slippers...HER! Everything was heading out the door. I kept being asked if I wanted anything, I said no. Mom is right here. Don't need stuff to love her, I need HER.

Time passed super quickly. Mom was sleeping most of the time. We were told that near the end she would do that.

NEAR THE END!!? That was only 1 and half months! She can't be leaving yet. I'm still nothing. Everyone still thinks I'm a loser! Please don't go Mom; I'm so much more than this.

She only lasted 2 months.
She went home. With Jason. With Melanie. She is with two of her children.
This child.
This beautiful daughter of Jacinthe's could never be a nothing. She has come out of unsurmountable pain, she has been judged and tormented, she lost everything....and found...EVERYTHING.
She is a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. She is worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, worthy of a life better than it has been. She is strong, and brilliant, with so much more to give. She's had lose so much, to gain so much. After I lost mom, I started to rebuild, did everything go perfect?...oh my no. I had so much to fix. It didn't take over night to break it. I have 13 years of mess to clean up.

I have rebuilt my whole life. I now have the love and respect of my children. I have a normal life without too much drama. I have a relationship with my dad, not perfect yet, but healthy.
So.
It's time to grieve.

It's time to say goodbye to my brother and my mom in a normal healthy way.

So life, please pause and allow this to happen.

It's about time.