A good day

Today started as a good day.

I felt amazing today. Woke up feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time. Worked on my business idea till late last night but still woke up feeling great.

My daughter Melanie got up early and made my lunch and had a hot cup of coffee ready for me as I bounced out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. (I always have to pee in the morning as you can tell in a few of my blogs) While I was in there I was listing what I wanted to do today. I wanted to for sure blog today as well as get some of my project done. I got dressed with Melanie sitting on my bed and we both were laughing a lot.

Got into my van and started heading down the Deerfoot, I hate that freaking freeway with my soul but today it was free sailing and only took me 25 minutes to get to work, when the normal is 45 minutes.

I was happy and cheery. Send some funny emails to some friends and decided to check the voicemail at work and the call display to see who tried to call for a quote.

And then it happened.

I was scrolling down the phone numbers when suddenly the name Jason Smith came up. That's my brother’s name. My brain automatically thought you should call your brother back, it might be important, and when my rational mind caught up, I feel apart. Totally absolutely apart.

I was on facebook with a great friend of mine Jenn when I saw the name and this was our conversation.
8:40amMe
damn it!!
You think you have it all together and then suddenly...BAM your crying like a baby

8:40amJenn
whats wrong?
8:41amMe
I was checking messages and the call display and the last call in was from Jason Smith...that's my brothers name... :(

stupid.

8:41amJenn
:(

awwww hunny

8:42amMe
you think that wound is healing then you find out it is but...with a very thin scab

8:42amJenn
yep

8:42amMe

Love crying at work

8:43amJenn
but wouldn't it be great to imagine that he did call, just to say hi...and tell you he is so proud of you and everything you are becoming.

8:43amMe
yeah...
totally

8:43amJenn
So let's just go with that.

8:43amMe

want to call that number back
want it to be him so bad
it...hurts
so much

8:43amJenn
maybe its picture/video time....sounds like you need jason time?

I have teri visits all the time...helps me a lot

8:47amMe

yeah...I avoid that...I fall hard...so hard

so weak when it comes to this grief

8:49amJenn
:(
well thats why you have nets

The pain racked through my body, I cried with huge sobs and couldn't breathe. I ran to the bathroom so the guys I work with wouldn't witness someone break apart.

I sat on the toilet and berated myself.

"STOP THIS"

"STOP MOURNING:

"What is the matter with you? Lots of people lose a sibling and they don't mourn for 13 plus years!! STOP STOP STOP."

Yet the pain continued, and I kept crying.

Why does this world have to be so cruel and allow someone to have pain like this? Loving someone is a risk, a risk that may hurt you this bad...and I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel this crappy, yet here I am, sitting on a toilet sobbing with my heart aching and craving something I will never have again. A craving that I have been filling for years with food and with anger, and because I won't use those things I am vunerable. So I did what I could do. Nothing. I cried and I felt the fear, the loneliness and the sadness and stayed there and accepted it.
I came out of the bathroom when I was just in the hiccupping phase and huddled at my desk. I talked to a few of my "nets" and calmed down. I even started to smile again. Facing my fear and pain was painful, but so was running and eating it away.

For the rest of the afternoon I listened to music that calmed me. I sipped water and reminisced about the past and I simply allowed myself to be calm and silent and reflective. Today I listened to my heart, my mind and my soul and didn’t eat to bury it.
Today was a good day.