Monday, November 25, 2013

Where have I been? No, Seriously... I'm asking!

The last several months I've gone into this shell. I'm not very social, I enjoy solitude and I'm easily overwhelmed by noise and outside distractions. Some, would say, I'm in a funk.

Everyday I open my eyes and say, I'm going to do something today. Anything. And everyday I barely function. I'm in pain, my eyes can't deal with light, sound is unbelievable and I can't be around people. I feel too much. I can't explain it, Something is happening to me, but its a good thing.

I'm healing. I'm becoming whole.

I know who I am. I know why I've been through so much. I forgave all transgressions, mine, others, all. I have no hate in my heart, I'm happy to be given this life to live. I'm thankful for the beautiful lessons I'm learning during my time on this earth and most importantly I'm seeing all the gifts I was given to repair my grief.

How beautiful it is to see how blessed it is to go through some tough times. How beautiful it is to observe some of the more painful and soul changing lessons there are, and to finally be able to observe it and not feel it anymore. I not only see my journey I see everyone's around me, and it humbles me to see these beautiful souls working hard and succeeding in learning the tough lessons of life. The work is hard and exhausting and changes your soul forever. The lessons you are learning are so magnificent, you may feel that they are breaking you. And they are. They are expanding you as a soul, as an essence, as a human being. After going through even the small lessons, you never emerge the same.

Facing the lessons, looking at them and tearing them apart is gut wrenching. Seeing the" mistakes" is the easy part, thanks to the inner voice that seems to dislike us for some reason, (its called ego) We play the mistakes over and over and over again in our minds and it poisons our body, mind and soul. That needs to stop first.


See Ego for what it is. Its your fearful self, the self that is afraid of losing love or losing respect or losing safety. It's your memories or past keeping you from true growth. It says you can't and gives valid reasons to stop you. Its old voices of people who said you couldn't, speaking to you as parents, as "friends" as people you love and cared about, who said you couldn't and you believed them because they loved you.

 Love doesn't work like that. Love doesn't want anything from you but your happiness. Happiness comes from doing exactly what you were meant to do; to trudge ahead and make beautiful mistakes and be accepted BECAUSE of them. We can warn each other, and say "I see your path Sister, Brother and I've made that same mistake" and try to lighten the burden by giving advice. They may take it or leave it, either way is fine. Some like to figure it out the easy way and take all your advice, and some take it the hard nasty, gut wrenching way (me) and want to experience the whole spectrum of the lesson in full, to reach a higher understanding. Let them. Get out of it and admire the beauty of it.

Once you take a look at each others journeys and see them for who they are, witness the work being done, you will find it harder and harder to hold any anger, resentment, or pain, and instead feel happy, and excited and filled with great satisfaction that we as a whole are getting some greats lessons learned and we all need to allow it to happen naturally, with full support from all the people destined to be in your life. Its not an accident we have the people in our lives that we do, each of them play a role as a helper, a healer, a lesson. Even the most difficult person was necessary to teach you. It was a brave task for a soul to step in to hurt you, to bring a difficult situation to you to learn from, and the hardest thing to realize is that your own soul brought these lessons to you. Each choice lead you towards more lessons or to the solution. If you don't figure it out, you'll get another lesson, you figure it magically stops.

That's where I am. I found the stop button. I learned the lessons finally. Man, was it harsh. Letting go of it was even harder. I couldn't deal with the outside world because what was inside me was raw and sensitive and painful. It was also beautiful and humbling and brilliant. I needed time to heal them. I still need some time because there are some more lessons I have to get through. I had all the experiences and never stopped to analyze the data, that is what this last 2 years has been. I pressed the stop button and decided to analyze, learn and add all those lessons into my soul.


Now where the heck am I ?

And where is the Go button? I'm ready for the fun lessons.


I still have this fluffy suit. Okay. One more quick lesson to understand. THEN...


 Let the good times begin!


Monday, February 18, 2013

Chapter One My Biography.

Greeting my friends!!

I'm turning 40!!! YAY ME!!!

Ive decided I'm going to write my own Biography for this great occasion.

Yes... you can stop reading now. I know you support and love me. SIGH.

Anyways this is the first chapter. I could really use some encouragement.

This is a project of love.

 I, Raquel Jacinthe Smith was born April 11/1973. It was a spring day with the high temperature being +5 degrees and a low of -2. I was born in the city of Regina, a small city in the prairie province of Saskatchewan Canada.

My parents were Jacinthe and Roland Smith and I was their firstborn. Ahhhh, the precious first born. My Dad lost money that day, he had made a bunch of bets with some buddies that I would definitely be a boy. I'm a girl so of course money was to be lost.. Foreshadowing people. Foreshadowing.

My parents were young brilliant people who worked hard and laughed often.Both were independent and brave and ambitious.

My mother was a gift from God. She was patient, loving and kind. With enough edge to keep me and my sibling in line. Most of the time. She was made for my Dad. She knew love, was taught it as a child, she gave it as a child and was surrounded with it her whole life.

My Dad, struggled more for love, he had siblings who loved him, the youngest of the Smith Clan.His mother and a father that loved him the best they could, in a marriage that was destructive, angry and humble. Dad and his siblings learned that love could be broken and bitterness hurts others.They grew up quickly to escape the pressures of it all. 

They were married July 1, 1972 on a happy day, where two people found the love of their lives. I look at those pictures often and see the joy in their eyes. The love radiating in my fathers's eyes because he felt love and he felt safe. My mom looked at him with a steadfast determined look, I think it said, no matter what Roland, my love will keep us.

I was born a dark haired, green eyed little imp. I had a gleam in my eyes that promised I would be a challenge to those dear parents. I was a very demanding baby, and my mom running with my demands. And when I finally learned to walk, at 9 months, my mischief became legendary.

On January 5, 1975, my little brother Jason was born. I was mildly curious about Jason, he was sorta ugly, and I remember thinking that I asked God for a sister! Then one day, while I was studying him, he smiled at me and I smiled back. I decided he will do,  He was a very good little baby, thankfully, for my mom, he was easy to please with food and cuddles. He was in no hurry to explore the world and loved to just study the faces of the people he loved and drool. He was so simple and sweet. Perfect for our little growing family.

At first, Jason was boring as crap He'd just laid there and made little noises. Mom didn't trust me to hold him because I was hyper and a little unfocused, but sometime she would sit with me and let me snuggle in really close and study him. I loved his cute cheeks and his sweet eyes. I would make voices for him, and tell mom what he was thinking. She would roll her eyes and laugh at me.

Soon Jason was sitting up and I could pretend he was a friend that came over for a snack. My mom spent a lot of time taking things out of his mouth that he couldn't snack on. I asked her why he couldn't eat like normal kids, she told me he didn't have teeth.

 I decided he was defective.

Soon though, he was starting to move around and grew a couple teeth. He had potential.

Shortly after Jason turned 1, our family was blessed again, with a beautiful dark haired little girl. Melanie Chantelle Smith joined us on May 16/1976. She was premature and fragile and her birth put both her and my mom into danger. My parents decided they were done having children, as they watched my sister struggling to live on a ventilator. During the process of saving her, her vocal cords were tore and she was left mute. My parents prayed and called in family to help with Jason and I, and everyone came together and soon Melanie recovered.

Soon, she recovered enough to come home and man was I excited! I got a sister! Jason studied her like a bug and poked at her eyes, I shooed him away and held her closer, she was so cute! Although she was out of the hospital she was still hooked up to a ventilator and my Dad would have to suction it every night to help expand her lungs. The procedure hurt her and my Dad felt terrible. He loved her dearly and held her close to aid in expanding  her lungs. Looking through the pictures I saw the happiness Melanie brought to our lives, a couple bath shots with Jason and I standing on chairs watching my mom lovingly and tenderly bath my little sister. Smiles in all the pictures. We were very blessed.

In November of that same year, Melanie was napping on my parents bed, she was such a good baby and napped so sweetly, when she awoke she would lay there and wait till someone came to check on her. Being mute, she was very patient. I asked my mom if I could go and check on Melanie and when Mom relented I raced down the hall and slowly widened my parents door. I saw her tiny form on my Mom's side still and sweet. I crept up and looked closely at Melanie's soft face. At first I thought she was still sleeping but when I leaned it to wake her I noticed her ventilation tubes laying beside her. My heart felt something was wrong so I got up and ran to my Mom in the kitchen. I told her Melanie's tubes were out, and my mom's face registered confusion then quickly panic. She ran past me and into her room. I followed close behind and lingered at the bedroom door while my mother rocked my sister back and forth, crying and saying no no no over and over. She was whispering to Melanie, "please don't go, please stay with Mommy, Melanie please"
My heart was so scared, it pounded in my chest, I didn't understand what was happening so I whispered "Mommy?"
My Mom looked over to me and said to quickly go to the neighbors and bring her here. I wanted to help so much, I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me to our neighbors house. I told her something was wrong with Melanie and my mommy was crying. I started to cry too. Bonnie, our neighbor, ran past me and towards our home. She met my mother at the door. I remember they were rapidly speaking and suddenly Mom left in a big truck with lights. Bonnie took Jason and I to her place, made us dinner that I didn't want to eat, I just wanted to sit at the window and wait till my mom and sister came back home to get me.

That night, I saw my parents come home. Their heads where low and my father put his arm around my mothers shoulders and lead her to the house. I excitedly told Bonnie that Mommy and Daddy were home and we better get going. Bonnie gave me a little hug and said my parents needed sometime alone. I didn't understand that. I wanted to get home, so Mom could make me feel better, so I wouldn't be afraid anymore. So our family could be together. I had no idea that our family would never be together the same again. 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Time to say Goodbye

I'm listening to this song right now. first of all I want to say what absolutely beautiful voices the both have. If you don't know what I am talking about look up Time to say Goodbye. Its I'm taking this as a sign that I am to talk about saying goodbye.

The only thing in my life I ever want to say Goodbye to is fear. Fear has kept me from achieving my potential. I was born with God given gifts that were not an accident.

Our gifts are not accidents!!! Our learning, the reason we are on this planet, our lessons, all NEED our talents and gifts to manage them.

Lets take a couple of my gifts for instance...I can sing. Pretty damn good too by the way... and I need that to keep me in a state of peace. Music and singing bring me a joy and peace that I have craved my whole lifetime. WHY am I craving it, because it seems silly to sing out loud? Because life got too busy and I thought it was a waste of time? Because I didn't think I was good enough for people to listen to? WRONG.

When God and I wrote this life, we decided that I should give myself some beauty to deal with this hard stuff. I was suppose to use my voice to rest from the hard work. To listen to music and hear the messages being sent of hope, love and encouragement and sing it to myself and others so they can hear the message and apply it. Messages from the Universe...Messages from God.


It only gets better.

 I was also given the gift of story telling, and public speaking. Again FEAR took that from me. Why the gift of story telling and speaking to public? Again it's about me sending out a message. To aid others and myself in this trial and journey. When I stunted that, I stunted myself and others. NO MORE.

We all have some talents or gifts that we take for granted. We should take them and use them to get our work done. If you can't think of any call me. I have a gift called speech. I'm not AFRAID to use it anymore.

So FEAR has got to say GOODBYE.



Are we still afraid?


 I Better start singing.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I found it

We were born with an amazing mission. We are here to impact lives. Everyone that meets us has a reason for being there and needs us for something.

Every time you hold back what you want to tell someone, you are slowing down progress, either for you or for the other person. There are lessons to be learned, on this time we are here.We have work to do. We have to save each other with love and kindness and pure strength.

 Everyone reading this is struggling with something, a break in the soul. We are born with a pure soul, innocent and new, with expectations and lessons for us to learn. Those lessons came from a series of events you have planned for and everything...I mean everything happens for a reason. Something happens and you have to stop and see why did this happen, what is the lesson? Then have a look around, see the lesson and LEARN FROM IT!!! If you don't learn, it will happen again and again and again until you snap out of your haze and decide to grow.

Growing is difficult. It's something you don't want to do because you have to face fear, you have to challenge yourself like you can't even imagine and you actually feel physical pain from the ripping of your soul with new growth. These lessons are the plan, you need to get it done, so get it over with. Do the work, get this hard job done and move onto the next lessons.

Look at your own impact points. Memories you have that are crystal clear, that you can remember the expressions of people and the feeling of the moment. Now ask yourself why is that an impact point? Then open it up and ask yourself why do I need to remember this?

Now while you are doing all this amazing work you come upon another person that needs you to impact them. Do it and don't hesitate. Just remember. DO NO HARM. EVER. Words are alive. They can fester and maul a beautiful soul. That isn't a productive thing to do, as well as it doesn't do nice things to your own soul. Be very wise with your soul, it is tender and perfect and beautiful and all yours to build and create with.

Do not be afraid to face those fears and mistakes you feel you have made.( I struggled with this one all my life) Guess what? You didn't make ANY mistakes. You trudged along, following the plan and you made decisions that had to either impact you or someone in your life. They needed it and so did you. Was it sometimes imperfect and wrong and messy? YES. Can you fix it? YES. Should you? YES. At least inquire.

It's never to late to listen with a loving heart. If someone around you is struggling or need you to stop and hear them. STOP. You are being tested. Give love. Give them a lift. Give the best you there is.

Hey where did this all come from?

I saw the light. I went to the mountains and I begged for my life back. I begged for understanding and peace of soul.

I found it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

No regrets

I'm Back.

This blog is going on a new adventure. After reflecting on the reason I am fluffy, I needed time to absorb it, understand it and love myself in spite of it.

I quick update, I have finally decided to give myself a break. I quite my job, I have layed off of many of my responsibilities, I have relinquished control so that I can focus on rebuilding my mind,body and soul. In all of this I needed to learn how to say mercy, and STOP. Everyone needs a time out, I needed mine long ago, but was constantly chasing acceptance from everyone in my life. I am done with that now. I accept me, that is all I need to sustain me. I love having people in my life that love me, and help me and believe in me, but even they can't fulfill me. That is all mine.

So what have I been doing since leaving my job, my life and all my responsibilities? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I read, I look up stuff on YouTube. I rest alot, I reflect on everything and I hide.

I HIDE. What am I hiding from?

Right now I need to be in an environment that is fully safe, no judgement, no harsh words, no pressure, no responsibility.  I need to adjust to myself, with myself. I know I have children and a life to take care of and I do the usual Mother duties, but when everyone is at school and work, I work on the really hard stuff, I work on being alone with myself, not avoiding my thoughts, not avoiding my feelings or my sickness. I am owning the neglect I have given myself, I am resting my over worked and over saddened body and letting it live without demands and pressure, I take all meds like a good girl. I drink water and eat a new healthy thing every day.

This is an absolute sacrifice, our finances are tight, we aren't saving for retirement or the future. Extras aren't possible, but you know what? These things won't be possible if I don't survive either. Taking a time out is a right we should all have. I know we all think that we couldn't survive if we stopped. WE can't survive if we don't.

Here is a quote that nails it.

Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you. ~John De Paola

What are we working so hard for? A better life? More stuff? MORE MORE MORE.

STOP!!! Just stop it.

Will our kids survive if they don't have all this crap. YES. Will we survive if we don't have the nicest car, home, couch, clothes, purse, wallet, shoes, CRAP.

YES WE WILL!!! I'm not chasing that perfection anymore. Perfection?!? When we dream of perfection or heaven or all the beautiful peaceful places on earth does it ever involve a hot car, a big house filled with  electronics, Prada bags  and crap like that? No. Its a river that flows, mountains that shine, rainfalls in forests, peace, surrounded by friends and family and LOVE.

That is what I have right  now. I'm surrounded with it here, at home, I'm done the chase. Exhausting myself to make the judgemental world happy is over. I'm going to live, make more mistakes, dive into something head on and listen to only my OWN conscience. If I regret it, huh, well I won't do that again, if I loved it...bring it on. What makes me happy, is no ones business but mine. They can laugh at the antics and shake their head all they want but I AM LIVING fully, not on their agenda, but mine.

When I have rested, cherished and healed myself I will get back into it all. Not the false crap, but I will dive back into life.

No regrets.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Quick Blog

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make your vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down
by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Forever Fluffy.

I will be forever Fluffy.

No, I haven't quit my weight-loss journey. I just came to realize that although I am heading towards a happier healthier me, I will always be forever Fluffy.

Being Fluffy has changed me for life. This fluffy suit is the sole reason I am still on this planet. Fluffy came to me at a time that I couldn't feel anymore. I was numb with loss and shame. She stood up from that bathroom floor I was laying on and said" I will take care of you now. I'm sensitive, impulsive, irresponsible and chaotic, but I will keep you going, until you remember who you are without me."

I was more than happy to take a back burner to my life. Sure, Fluffy came in and ate what she wanted, she acted like an impulsive clown, she made some horrible decisions, she made some great ones too, and I didn't care. I didn't want to engage in it anymore. Sure I saw the pounds keep rollin on. I saw my life spinning out of control and I let the destruction continue. I hated me, I hated my life and I certainly didn't want the reins of my complicated life anymore. As I became more Fluffy and less me, I started to forget who I was before Fluffy came into my life. She became me. No ambition, no dreams, no heartbeat, just someone that filled the void inside me.

Then this year, I woke from my grief-induced coma, and took my first breath. I looked around me, I looked at me; at Fluffy, and saw what she really is. Although she looks fluffy, and soft and weak, she is stronger than anyone I know. She faced my life, made tough decisions, ate to keep me alive, ate to fill the emptiness, she wore a fluffy suit that told the world" I am something!!" The world doesn't see the fluffy suit as a protective armour from pain, or an actual burden carried for everyone to see. They see it as something to get rid of and hide and be ashamed of. Fluffy displayed that and was judged and condemned and yet she carried on.

She is the better part of me.  I am humbled to have met her, to stand in her shoes and feel her strength and pain. If I had never stepped into this fluffy suit, I would never have learned this lesson about my fluffy friends. That they are warriors, fighting in a society that condemns them, tries to cure them and mocks the attempts they make to survive. If I never met Fluffy, I wouldn't have been blessed with this new found respect for all those survivors out there. Nor would I decide to be an advocate for them, stand up and fight for my fluffy friends.

If it wasn't for Fluffy, I wouldn't be here.

Even though the layers of this fluffy suit are coming off, and I am stepping back into my life, I will never be the girl I was before I met Fluffy. I will never be as hard as I was before, Never will I see just a Fluffy person.  From now on, I see someone carrying hurt, abuse, and judgement and I will be humbled to witness such survival, endurance and resilience.

 I will keep the best of Fluffy with me.

Her unwavering desire to live.
Her achievement in survival.

Her unconditional love of me.

Her unconditional love of me.