No regrets

I'm Back.

This blog is going on a new adventure. After reflecting on the reason I am fluffy, I needed time to absorb it, understand it and love myself in spite of it.

I quick update, I have finally decided to give myself a break. I quite my job, I have layed off of many of my responsibilities, I have relinquished control so that I can focus on rebuilding my mind,body and soul. In all of this I needed to learn how to say mercy, and STOP. Everyone needs a time out, I needed mine long ago, but was constantly chasing acceptance from everyone in my life. I am done with that now. I accept me, that is all I need to sustain me. I love having people in my life that love me, and help me and believe in me, but even they can't fulfill me. That is all mine.

So what have I been doing since leaving my job, my life and all my responsibilities? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I read, I look up stuff on YouTube. I rest alot, I reflect on everything and I hide.

I HIDE. What am I hiding from?

Right now I need to be in an environment that is fully safe, no judgement, no harsh words, no pressure, no responsibility.  I need to adjust to myself, with myself. I know I have children and a life to take care of and I do the usual Mother duties, but when everyone is at school and work, I work on the really hard stuff, I work on being alone with myself, not avoiding my thoughts, not avoiding my feelings or my sickness. I am owning the neglect I have given myself, I am resting my over worked and over saddened body and letting it live without demands and pressure, I take all meds like a good girl. I drink water and eat a new healthy thing every day.

This is an absolute sacrifice, our finances are tight, we aren't saving for retirement or the future. Extras aren't possible, but you know what? These things won't be possible if I don't survive either. Taking a time out is a right we should all have. I know we all think that we couldn't survive if we stopped. WE can't survive if we don't.

Here is a quote that nails it.

Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you. ~John De Paola

What are we working so hard for? A better life? More stuff? MORE MORE MORE.

STOP!!! Just stop it.

Will our kids survive if they don't have all this crap. YES. Will we survive if we don't have the nicest car, home, couch, clothes, purse, wallet, shoes, CRAP.

YES WE WILL!!! I'm not chasing that perfection anymore. Perfection?!? When we dream of perfection or heaven or all the beautiful peaceful places on earth does it ever involve a hot car, a big house filled with  electronics, Prada bags  and crap like that? No. Its a river that flows, mountains that shine, rainfalls in forests, peace, surrounded by friends and family and LOVE.

That is what I have right  now. I'm surrounded with it here, at home, I'm done the chase. Exhausting myself to make the judgemental world happy is over. I'm going to live, make more mistakes, dive into something head on and listen to only my OWN conscience. If I regret it, huh, well I won't do that again, if I loved it...bring it on. What makes me happy, is no ones business but mine. They can laugh at the antics and shake their head all they want but I AM LIVING fully, not on their agenda, but mine.

When I have rested, cherished and healed myself I will get back into it all. Not the false crap, but I will dive back into life.

No regrets.