The last several months I've gone into this shell. I'm not very social, I enjoy solitude and I'm easily overwhelmed by noise and outside distractions. Some, would say, I'm in a funk.
Everyday I open my eyes and say, I'm going to do something today. Anything. And everyday I barely function. I'm in pain, my eyes can't deal with light, sound is unbelievable and I can't be around people. I feel too much. I can't explain it, Something is happening to me, but its a good thing.
I'm healing. I'm becoming whole.
I know who I am. I know why I've been through so much. I forgave all transgressions, mine, others, all. I have no hate in my heart, I'm happy to be given this life to live. I'm thankful for the beautiful lessons I'm learning during my time on this earth and most importantly I'm seeing all the gifts I was given to repair my grief.
How beautiful it is to see how blessed it is to go through some tough times. How beautiful it is to observe some of the more painful and soul changing lessons there are, and to finally be able to observe it and not feel it anymore. I not only see my journey I see everyone's around me, and it humbles me to see these beautiful souls working hard and succeeding in learning the tough lessons of life. The work is hard and exhausting and changes your soul forever. The lessons you are learning are so magnificent, you may feel that they are breaking you. And they are. They are expanding you as a soul, as an essence, as a human being. After going through even the small lessons, you never emerge the same.
Facing the lessons, looking at them and tearing them apart is gut wrenching. Seeing the" mistakes" is the easy part, thanks to the inner voice that seems to dislike us for some reason, (its called ego) We play the mistakes over and over and over again in our minds and it poisons our body, mind and soul. That needs to stop first.
See Ego for what it is. Its your fearful self, the self that is afraid of losing love or losing respect or losing safety. It's your memories or past keeping you from true growth. It says you can't and gives valid reasons to stop you. Its old voices of people who said you couldn't, speaking to you as parents, as "friends" as people you love and cared about, who said you couldn't and you believed them because they loved you.
Love doesn't work like that. Love doesn't want anything from you but your happiness. Happiness comes from doing exactly what you were meant to do; to trudge ahead and make beautiful mistakes and be accepted BECAUSE of them. We can warn each other, and say "I see your path Sister, Brother and I've made that same mistake" and try to lighten the burden by giving advice. They may take it or leave it, either way is fine. Some like to figure it out the easy way and take all your advice, and some take it the hard nasty, gut wrenching way (me) and want to experience the whole spectrum of the lesson in full, to reach a higher understanding. Let them. Get out of it and admire the beauty of it.
Once you take a look at each others journeys and see them for who they are, witness the work being done, you will find it harder and harder to hold any anger, resentment, or pain, and instead feel happy, and excited and filled with great satisfaction that we as a whole are getting some greats lessons learned and we all need to allow it to happen naturally, with full support from all the people destined to be in your life. Its not an accident we have the people in our lives that we do, each of them play a role as a helper, a healer, a lesson. Even the most difficult person was necessary to teach you. It was a brave task for a soul to step in to hurt you, to bring a difficult situation to you to learn from, and the hardest thing to realize is that your own soul brought these lessons to you. Each choice lead you towards more lessons or to the solution. If you don't figure it out, you'll get another lesson, you figure it out...it magically stops.
That's where I am. I found the stop button. I learned the lessons finally. Man, was it harsh. Letting go of it was even harder. I couldn't deal with the outside world because what was inside me was raw and sensitive and painful. It was also beautiful and humbling and brilliant. I needed time to heal them. I still need some time because there are some more lessons I have to get through. I had all the experiences and never stopped to analyze the data, that is what this last 2 years has been. I pressed the stop button and decided to analyze, learn and add all those lessons into my soul.
BEAUTIFUL GUT WRENCHING WORK.
Now where the heck am I ?
And where is the Go button? I'm ready for the fun lessons.
I still have this fluffy suit. Okay. One more quick lesson to understand. THEN...
Let the good times begin!