Forever Fluffy.

I will be forever Fluffy.

No, I haven't quit my weight-loss journey. I just came to realize that although I am heading towards a happier healthier me, I will always be forever Fluffy.

Being Fluffy has changed me for life. This fluffy suit is the sole reason I am still on this planet. Fluffy came to me at a time that I couldn't feel anymore. I was numb with loss and shame. She stood up from that bathroom floor I was laying on and said" I will take care of you now. I'm sensitive, impulsive, irresponsible and chaotic, but I will keep you going, until you remember who you are without me."

I was more than happy to take a back burner to my life. Sure, Fluffy came in and ate what she wanted, she acted like an impulsive clown, she made some horrible decisions, she made some great ones too, and I didn't care. I didn't want to engage in it anymore. Sure I saw the pounds keep rollin on. I saw my life spinning out of control and I let the destruction continue. I hated me, I hated my life and I certainly didn't want the reins of my complicated life anymore. As I became more Fluffy and less me, I started to forget who I was before Fluffy came into my life. She became me. No ambition, no dreams, no heartbeat, just someone that filled the void inside me.

Then this year, I woke from my grief-induced coma, and took my first breath. I looked around me, I looked at me; at Fluffy, and saw what she really is. Although she looks fluffy, and soft and weak, she is stronger than anyone I know. She faced my life, made tough decisions, ate to keep me alive, ate to fill the emptiness, she wore a fluffy suit that told the world" I am hurting...do something!!" The world doesn't see the fluffy suit as a protective armour from pain, or an actual burden carried for everyone to see. They see it as something to get rid of and hide and be ashamed of. Fluffy displayed that and was judged and condemned and yet she carried on.

She is the better part of me.  I am humbled to have met her, to stand in her shoes and feel her strength and pain. If I had never stepped into this fluffy suit, I would never have learned this lesson about my fluffy friends. That they are warriors, fighting in a society that condemns them, tries to cure them and mocks the attempts they make to survive. If I never met Fluffy, I wouldn't have been blessed with this new found respect for all those survivors out there. Nor would I decide to be an advocate for them, stand up and fight for my fluffy friends.

If it wasn't for Fluffy, I wouldn't be here.

Even though the layers of this fluffy suit are coming off, and I am stepping back into my life, I will never be the girl I was before I met Fluffy. I will never be as hard as I was before, Never will I see just a Fluffy person.  From now on, I see someone carrying hurt, abuse, and judgement and I will be humbled to witness such survival, endurance and resilience.

 I will keep the best of Fluffy with me.

Her unwavering desire to live.
Her achievement in survival.

And.
(sob)
Her unconditional love of me.

Her unconditional love of me.