Bittersweet

Today I watched as my youngest daughter, got in line and walked towards her first day of school, towards her teacher and away from me. It was actually pretty beautiful, the sun was shining on our faces, parents were smiling and excited, or so it seemed. Inside I was nervous, I don't normally like other parents. I worry about judgment, about fitting in with the Jones and looking like I have it together.
I don't have it together.

I feel as if I am always one step behind in everything. Getting Rebecca ready for her first day of school was a disaster. She had no clean clothes, the socks she has are WAY to big and her hair has a big thatch of it missing because bubble gum and hair don't mix well. (Yes, peanut butter was used but, rubbed in a circular motion over and over until it became a knot, that even a scout couldn't remove...Jon is learning. He's new to all this) She was bathed the night before, and she smelled sweet and cute. I blow dried her hair and brushed it to camouflage her hair gap. We got up, I made her some french toast and our day began.

I got ready and helped Rebecca get into a shirt that was too small and pants that were to big and waited for Jon to get ready, I ALWAYS wait for Jon. Makes me crazy, makes me crazy.
We arrived at the second hand children’s store and I quickly found the sizes 5-6 area. I just started pulling clothes out, because we were on a very tight schedule. Rebecca was buzzing around finding dresses she wanted to wear for her first day and they all looked like mini prom dresses.

"No, Beck those are too fancy, find something more...functional." Functional? She is 4, functional isn't in her vocabulary!! "Beck find something you can wear everyday." I tried again.

"I want new clothes everyday, not same dress!" she whined.
SIGH.
She sighs.
Jon comes shoving through, "How about this?" He is holding up a sweater and a pair of pants.
"I like the sweater, hate the pants" I say.

"What’s wrong with the pants?" he says
"Nineteen 80's called they want their pants back" I mumble.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, I just said...they look small" Close one, dodged that bullet. He gets so defensive if I question his awesome tastes. This is the man that wears black socks with Jesus sandals, kaki shorts and a button down shirt that is too short for him. I have told him, he doesn't care. I stopped telling him.

Anyways we pick up a few items, we did it with arguing, it couldn't be avoided, he has no idea what kids wear these days and was mocking some of my selections. I was getting annoyed and just started ignoring him all together.

It was 10:30 and she starts school at 12:15. We still had to hit Wal-Mart before we went home, to get socks so I was feeling very rushed.

Jon hates to be rushed.

I got into my battle stance. "We have to hurry, we are running out of time" I said

"I AMMMM." he snaps

See.

Hates being rushed.
We quickly rush into Wal-Mart, we stop in the cooler section to pick up her snack for class, and cheese strings it is. I tell Jon I will go to McDonalds with Beck and get a Happy Meal so she will be fed before school, also to be honest, I was emotional and needed to feed it away. I asked Jon to find socks, pay and meet us at the golden arches.
He was back in two minutes, with the items, not paid for.

The control freak in me, RAGED, but I remained calm outside and ate like I have never eaten before so I can escape somewhere and plot his death while I pay for the items so we can leave.

I scurried away saw the huge lines before me.
My eye twitched. My anger boiled up inside me, I ducked into the stationary section and tried to calm myself, stationary soothes me. I picked up a book that was pretty, for my book of me (future blog will explain this) and headed to the self serve area to pay.

"Raquel!" Jon shouts across the way. "We need to go right now!"
Why is murder illegal? Wives have rights! We vote! New rules!
I quickly beep a couple items in, when Rebecca wants to "Help". Ok, 4years old never actually help, just in case you weren't aware.

"Ok Beck, take this black thingy here and beep that across the screen thingy here."
"She knows what to do." Jon sighs.

Rebecca fumbles with it for a few minute, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries again, looks at the UPC symbol again, tries to line it up...and...then...

I snatched it away.
Good grief, I'm not built for this.
She gets upset, Jon scowls at me, I continue beeping things in a frenzy and ignore everyone.

In the car everyone is quiet. I have my eyes closed because Jon scares the shit out of me driving, so if I meet my untimely death, at least I don't have to see it.
I roll down the window, feel the breeze on my face and exhale. Ok. I can do this. I can be the loving mommy saying goodbye to her little girl and be normal.

I really thought by this stage of my life I would be normal. WHAT THE HELL IS NORMAL??!!

We get to the house, I strip Rebecca down and pull off tags and get her into her blouse and pants. The phone is ringing and I want to ignore it but the mother in me, thinks what if it's one of the kids that need you. I shuffle towards the phone, crook in on my shoulder and bark hello.

"Hey Mom, its Amanda. I'm all most at the school."
Rebecca is eyeing a her left over French toast, (still on the table from breakfast of course), and I am shooing her away from it.

"Awww your here for Beck's first day. You’re the greatest, meet us at the school." I quickly say. Rebecca is asking me something but I can't pay attention. Where is Jon?

"Which part of the school?" Amanda asks.

"The back." I say.

"By the tarmac?"

"I DON'T KNOW! Sure. Tarmac. Be there. Bye." ARGH details drive me crazy. Just show up and look around until you find me, I will be the one with the wild eyes and the crazy look.

"Mom, what if Amanda doesn't find us?" Beck pipes up.

"She will, she knows your school, she used to go there too." I say rushed like. I'm brushing her hair, I see Jon is stuffing her new backpack with a juice box and a cheese string and an apple. Glad I didn't kill him. Really glad.
We race to the car and buckle everyone in and race to the school.

We get a parking spot close and I take Rebecca out and start heading towards the school. I see Amanda and Bernie her boyfriend. I wave. Rebecca waves. No idea about Jon. He of course is behind us somewhere.
Amanda hugs Rebecca and I look down to see her face.
Rebecca is looking scared.
I crouch down and hold her.

"Today is going to be amazing, you'll see. Look at everyone here, new friends, new teacher, Amanda is here, Aiden is out there playing somewhere. It's going to be a great day." I whisper.
"Will my daycare know where to pick me up? " she asks.

"They sure do." I answered.

"But I don't know where to see them." She says.
"Your teacher will know." I look over to Jon and motion him over to us. "Daddy, the teacher knows where Rebecca goes for pick up right?"

"Yep, Rebecca there are other kids in your class that go to your daycare so everyone knows where to be. Don't worry." He hugs her.

Teacher comes out, starts hustling the kids into line. Other kids are talking to Rebecca but she is focused to the front. She just wants to get it over with. She is scared, and thoughtful.

So am I.
I look up at Amanda, I remember her first day. I smile. She was exactly like Rebecca on her first day. She was also scared and thoughtful, and she made it through. Now, she is a beautiful woman, who loves her family, who is here for her sister and here for her mother. I was chaos then and I am chaos now, and it seems to work.

"Rebecca!" I call. "I love you, have a great day."
"I whove you too mommy" she says and waves.

I wave back. I remember waving at Trevor, at Amanda, at Melanie, at Emilee, and at Aiden. My heart wells up with love and sadness.

This is my last first day of school.

It sure is Bittersweet.