Where has the time gone?

Well I sure have been slacking on this blog. Well that should be remedied asap.

So many things have changed since my last blog. First I no longer car pool with Mike as I lost my job. I actually quit but was asked to. I have been missing a lot of work lately because of my health, my blood pressure has been through the roof. My body, that has been living in high stress for a long time is letting me know that enough is enough.

I am living proof that a broken heart, can actually break your heart.

So the cure, is to un-break my heart. Everyday I get up and I list off the things I am thankful for. I mentally picture all my family, my friends, the roof over my head, my husband and lastly, myself, I am thankful for my life and the lessons I have learned from it, doing this, everyday has improved my self talk and helped me get up and WANT to get better.

Lets be honest folks, up until the last 6 months I have wanted to lose this battle with my health. The pain was unbearable. For all the folks that asked me how I survived what I have been through, the honest answer is I don't know, because I did everything in my power NOT to survive it. I quit being active and excited about life, I fed my pain and numbed it with calories, sugar and fat to silence my aching heart and self hatred.

Hey I still do some of these very abusive things, I get sad or scared or overwhelmed and I eat until it goes away. Here is the thing about burying your feelings with food or drugs or booze, THE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE! Doesn't matter how deep you bury them with addiction, all those feelings are there and getting harder and harder to bury. I have buried mine in 145lbs of "fluff" and only now because I am allowing my feelings out am I heading towards a better future. Everyday I address my insecurities and my fears and I explain them to myself. Only when my mind gets wrapped around the why, will I truly be free.

Last weekend, I had to talk to my ex for the first time in months. He wanted to finally take out daughter out and I fully encouraged this. She had other ideas, she is so angry with him for having nothing to do with her for the last 2 years that she has now quit.

I got on the phone with him to try and explain how she is feeling and he, my abuser, said that I only have myself to blame for her being a rebellious and angry teenager. I taught her that and I have to live with it.

For the first time in my life, that didn't hurt me or upset me because it was so untrue, it didn't even hit my radar. I simply said to "He who has no shadow", "that isn't true, maybe what has happened in this divorce is partially my fault, however I will no longer that full blame for the pain my children have suffered. He was mostly silent due to being at work, and having to keep his "image". However, I feel it's a victory, for me. He can't scare me into self hatred anymore. I refuse to allow it, because...

I don't hate me anymore.