I am an addict

My name is Raquel and I am a food addict.

I decided 6 days ago to embark on a journey towards self discovery, I wanted to know if I was truly a food addict.

 I sure am.

 I have been using food as an escape from reality.  I have used it to mask feelings, to "fill myself" with food because I didn't feel "full". I felt like I was empty inside and of course I decided that food was what my body was craving. It never occurred to me that the empty feeling wasn't actual hunger for food but a hunger for love, acceptance and peace. I hungered for my brother back, I hungered for understanding from anyone and I hungered for a break from it all. I ate and ate and ate, and yet the emptiness continued. Until now.

I am full. I am an addict that has to make conscience awareness of my actions and I have to re-learn a life were food is sustenance not pleasure or escape. Every choice I make for the rest of my life has to be about being aware of what I am doing, because the addict in me wants me to eat until I feel euphoria as apposed to appetite. Until I understand the difference, I have to take all enjoyment out of food. Don't worry it's not forever, just until I know and understand the actually feeling of hunger vs empty. So far I have discovered that I'm not hungry very often. I  have my planned meal times, snacks but because all of them entail tasteless blah, it isn't that often. I have began adding yummy foods back in, but portioned so I'm not in charge.

 It helps me that my whole house hold is on board with this. My children know I am not in control with food. They watch me like a hawk. They don't bring crappy foods into my house. Thank God, I know I would attack someone right now.

At night seems to be my crazy time. That is when I obsess about food. I think I'm starving.

So lets analyze why I am so hungry at night.

Night time is when I have to wind down and rest my mind so I can sleep. I have never been a great sleeper, because my mind races and I think of all the days events and criticize myself. I can't stand listening to my mean mind so I eat and it goes away. AH HA!! Hummmmm. How to shut my mind up without food? Looking back, when I had a healthy relationship with food, I don't EVER remember eating after supper, maybe popcorn on the weekends but...nothing else really...what did I do then? Well as a teenager I was on the phone with my friends, laughing about stupid stuff, planning events, plotting outfits. Well that won't happen now. I would listen to music or watch TV. NOW when I watch TV I associate that with snacking so...that won't work right now.

Music? Listen to some great tunes that make me feel great, maybe that will shut up the critical voice in my head! I also plan to tell that voice off from time to time.

OR every time I start criticizing myself I do 10 crunches or push ups. I think soon it would shut up. Or I will die from lack of oxygen...what ever comes first.  ;)

Tonight I will try this.

Food addiction is the hardest addiction to kick, I think, I still need to eat, but I have a bad relationship with food, so I have to teach myself coping techniques to survive. I can't go to restaurants, I can't be in charge of self serve at a buffet, I can't socially eat until I know the difference between hunger and filling a void. All addicts have to eventually live a some what normal life again, just with boundaries, to protect them from relapse.

 From now on I have to be constantly aware of food, and my relationship with it. I can't be out of control around food, so activities about food have to change for me and my family, for life. This mean we all be aware of the addict in the family and not expect them to conform to a society that revolves around food. Christmas will just be different. Instead of all the food on the table with easy access we will have a buffet style dinner, and I will be in check, with my support person helping me make the choices. Hopefully for me, by Christmas, I will be in better control. Right now, no way I would hold back or be conscience of the amount of food I NEED instead of what I want. NO WAY.

 Food Addiction is hard.  Food Addiction is for life.

I am a Food Addict.