I have said before and I will say again and again, every pound on my body is a pound of pain. I am not just working off the excess fat I am working off the excess baggage. Wanting to live again requires seeing all the positive things I'm here for. I also have to face and work out the fears and self hatred I have.
When I go to the gym it is the one thing in the world I do for myself. I go there for me, I am there for me, I'm accountable to only me. This is my personal journey, I write how it goes, I delegate this operation. So when people try to coordinate with me to go to the gym, I don't mind the company, but this is my time, and the company is mostly ignored. I can't be your coach your advisor or your companion. I am on that treadmill burning off all the years of sadness and loneliness and absolute fear. I cry often on that treadmill. I miss my old body, I love and respect this one and I run for my life. I RUN FOR MY LIFE.
This is my way of telling the people that go with me, that I am sorry if I am a little aloof. It isn't because I don't love and appreciate you and your courage to take on this journey. I am proud of you and I am excited for you. I want this for you too. However, I need to be in my own special place, inside my head, inside my heart and I need to work this out alone. So I am totally unaware of your journey beside me on that treadmill, your speeds, your incline, ect. I am only there for me.
Sorry.
No wait, I'm not sorry, I'm just doing it....my way.
Still love you though.
No comments:
Post a Comment