Bought the book!!

So last week, I left work a little early. I wanted to get over to Chapters and get a book on Domestic Violence. If I am finally going to admit I was abused I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life without fear, because fear is sucking the life out of me.

I had another book I had ordered a month ago. Writing Stand Up Comedy, back when I thought getting on stage was a good idea. That in itself is another blog.

I went into the store and entered the self help section. This is my happy place. I have hated myself for so long I have hundreds of books on how to fix me.

I walked around the section, trying to find the perfect book, I got my hands on a good one, it covered all kinds of abuse and I figured I probably experienced most of them. I started towards the counter and froze.

I can't admit to that freckly girl I am or was abused. I don't look the type, she will give me that look of pity and I would rather kick my own face than see pity on ANYONES face. I backed away and wondered around the store.

You have to do this Raquel.

No I don't.

Come on. You have done harder things than this.

Nope, childbirth is easier than pity. I will take twins with large heads over pity any day.

You survived it, now your just healing it, get over there and buy the book.

No.

I took couple other books and put them on top of it. Maybe she will not notice if there are a few big books on top...where is War and Peace? What section is Big Books that are cheap?

I wondered around the store for 2 hours. Yep. Two hours in a bookstore. I watched people and read a lot of titles. I sniffed the coffee brewing at Starbucks and my stomach growled.


If you buy the book I will buy you a Cinnamon Dolche....mmm wouldn't that be yummy? I won't even make it non fat.

I will get Starbucks anyways for failure to buy book. Look at this fat suit!  This didn't happen from facing things. This is my avoidance suit. Everytime I feel crappy I eat cheese doodles or drink lattes. It's what I do.

Just buy the book!

I can't.

I left the store without the book.

Stupid pride. Stupid fear of judgement. Stupid fear. Stupid stupid stupid.

I went home with a latte.

And a bag of cheese doodles.

I called Wendy that night. She asked what was up. I told her about my book. I told her I was afraid.

"Well Raquel this would be the first time you faced being a victim. You hate the term victim but it is what you are. You were a victim of domestic abuse if you like it or not. Face it."

"I hate that I allowed that, I hate I let someone control me, that he still controls me."

"Then you need the book right?"

"Right. I could just buy it online..."

"No your going to walk up and buy the book, you don't have to be alone. I will come with you but you will be the one to march up there and say I am the victim of domestic violence and I want to change it."

"I'm not actually going to say that...ever."

"Yes you will, to yourself, then you will start to heal. Do it Raquel. For you."

"Fine." I said

"Fine." Wendy said.

The next day I went to the store with my sisters Michelle and Roxanne. Michelle and I go there ahead of time and were browsing the books on sale section.

I kept looking over to the dreaded section.

Roxanne showed up and we heading towards my book. I went to where I found it before and it was missing. Probably because when I got rid of it two days ago I quickly put it on the nearest shelf to my exit.

I went to the computer and found the title. I couldn't find it by myself and my sisters couldn't either. I had to ask for assistance. I took a deep breath and asked a sales lady where I could find it.

I broke out in a sweat. She just turned around and took me straight there. My sisters followed me and were there with me when we found it.

In the middle of the domestic violence section.

Argh. I stared at the hateful book and kinda paused to calmly accept that I was a woman that needed this freaking book!!!!!

I heard some laughter and looked up from my book. My sisters were in the sexual section reading a day by day book of positions. I scrambled to see what was so funny. The whole book had the craziest positions possible, well...not really possible but...funny. Ice skating!!!

They made a terrible moment , fun.

I went straight to the cashier and put my books...(yes books, I still wanted to divert attention) on the counter and did a lot of fidgeting.

But.

I bought the book!!