I remember now.

Everyday I get a better memory of who I used to be.

I was an athlete!

I could perform outstanding precision in most sports, but in swimming...I was amazing. I loved the quiet and being able to hear my heartbeat while I timed my strokes to a calming speed that could go on forever.

Last month I went to my cousins wedding. Her family lives on a lake, I went into the water, it was cold but wonderful. I swam for at least a couple hours, floating naturally and never faltering. I loved it. The peace.

Why did I quit swimming? Why did I stop loving it? When did I stop, wanting to do this for the rest of my life?
I truly quit swimming when I ran away from home. I had a job interview to work for a city pool and because I knew my parents knew my interview time and place I didn't show up. That was the first dream I gave up. Soon after I discovered I was pregnant with Trevor, so I stepped into survival mode and started making decisions that were for needs not wants.

I think to start over; I need to start where the devastation began, back when, at 16, I decided to walk away from my own dreams and passions and into someone else’s.
I think it will be healthy for my body, my mind, my soul and it will also help me heal. My brother died from drowning and I think that swimming will heal me from that. The peace and delight I get from swimming is something I NEED again.

So I guess the black size 22 bathing suit and me have a date. I hate being in a bathing suit now. It tightly squeezes my fluffy parts, it shows everything and it rides up my ass when I bend over. Beautiful.
Have to start somewhere.
Crap!!! I have to shave my legs too. Regularly. SIGH. I love being able to make cricket love songs rubbing my legs together. Goodbye old cricket legs, hopefully hello toned sexy legs.

I also had a look at my career. I often got jobs that I could get without chance of rejection. I was usually over qualified but didn't want someone to interview me and discover I sucked.

While falling in love with myself, I now know my worth in the work industry. I am brilliant, I'm one of the best sales people I know, I am a control freak and love order, even though is evades me constantly. I make people comfortable, I love finding out what someone needs and helping them find it, I have a love of change, I am spontaneous and a little carefree. I am not a desk job!!
I am not a desk job!!

So I guess I will start swimming again, get my re-certifications, get my teaching certificates, and get back to where I was at 16 and freaking start over, where I was before ADULT decisions made by a child began. I'm an adult; I can handle the decisions now. I will start at the beginning.
I'm not quitting my job, so don't panic Jon. I'm doing this slowly; I am going to enjoy every single second of rediscovery!!

And earn my life back.