Who Am I?

Who was I born to be?

Discovering this, hasn't been an easy task, I guess I have to find out first, what I am not.

Everyday I find another thing I know for sure I am not. For instance, I am not a crafter. I hate scissors, I hate glue, I hate googly eyes. I don't have the patience or love to complete a craft.

It's easier to find out who I am not.


Figuring out who I am, has lead me to mess, confusion, lots of reading, indecision, set backs, exhaustion, failure, laughter, embarassment, endless advice from my guardians, loss of people I couldn't live without, betrayals and  greater loyality and over all great life lessons.

During all this I have JUST discovered  the art of being still, because its hard to obsorb what you have learned if you keep running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Sometimes being still is laying on the floor of your room with your hair wild and your room locked and listening to your own heartbeat, and sometimes it's listening to your guardian, with a still mind and heart, and hearing the advice they have.

To find me I had to make mistakes and  find out who I wasn't. I had to jump in and make decisions, because action brings forth lessons, and you can't live a life just inside your head. So I jumped alot, sometimes I fell, sometimes I stumbled, more times... I landed.

Everyday I need to find something I no longer agree to do. For instance: I will no longer agree to eat baked beans, I hated them as a child, I tried them as an adult, and hate them. Decision made. So, quite often I scratch something off my list of self discovery and make it a conclusion. Not that you can't change your mind, I have done that a lot too, but it all leads towards the direction of you.

I also decided that I have to face my anger, I have let it take me too far away from who I am. I have let it ball up inside me and form into this fat suit. I gave it more credit than it's worth and I refuse to let it guide me for the rest of my life. Dealing with my anger and grief will give me my life back, because dealing with the past and the future is right now, in the middle of the present. Screwed up, hopeful, hilarious, fabulous me, will start treating this miracle of a being with the dignity and respect she deserves.

I am beloved. I have to stop being angry to see that. To love myself. To move on from the wreckage that created itself because I was too angry to care.

 Letting go of the anger will be the single most difficult thing I will ever accomplish. It will be raw and painful, but in the end there will be only be me left. Beautiful, lovely, peaceful, soft, random, fluffy, flawed and funny...Me.

(Maybe not fluffy)