While finding Melanie, I found me.

November 24, 1976.

I finally know the day my sister left our family.

I just got back from the most amazing adventure of my life. I packed up, picked up my friend Wendy and found my sister.

During my ride to Lethbridge, Wendy and I had some great conversations. We always do. She kept asking how I was feeling and I kept telling her I was excited and happy.

My sister has been in that grave for 34 years.

Never a visit.

 Not one member of her family could face the pain of letting her go. It was too painful, or we were too young to understand the impact her life had on our family. As one of my friends said "Melanie is where it all began, Raquel your going back to the beginning."

The Beginning.

Wendy and I arrived at Mountain View Cemetary in the early afternoon. The day was muggy and overcast, and I kinda felt the same way. How will I feel when I get there?

As what is typical of me, I forgot the plot number and lot number at home. So I informed Wendy it might be a day of looking for her.

" I don't give a crap if I have to look at every gravestone in this place, we are going to find your sister today." smiled Wendy.

"Thanks." I said.

"No, thank you. This is a magical moment for you, and I'm glad you asked me to be here."

This graveyard was huge. Beautiful...but huge. I didn't know where to start. I knew she was in Babyland, but where was that? I saw a map up ahead from the gates. I dropped Wendy at it and parked.

"They don't have Babyland marked on here." she said.

"Argh"

We both climbed into the van and started driving again. Soon, we passed some very tiny grave stones. "This must be it!" Wendy said. We got out of the van again and walked between the rows of little graves. It was really sad, all those little lives lost. The parents that had to say goodbye to something so precious, so sad.

We found a row of 1976 deaths, Melanie wasn't there. Hummm maybe she is out of order? Wendy was working up ahead from me, I think she was in the 60's.

"Where is she Wendy?" I called over to her.

"She isn't in this area, that's for sure."

"Wouldn't they mark the Babyland with a monument or something?" I said.

"Beats me, you would think"

I stopped walking and swatted at a bug.

"Hey Mom? Can you help me? I don't even know where to start. Just guide me there k?" I whispered.

Get back into the van,I felt.

"Hey Wendy, let's get back into the van. This isn't the right place."

We reached the van and climbed in.

I drove where my heart was telling me to, and found myself and Wendy in front of a huge monument for the unborn and babies.

"This is it!! It has to be." I said. "Mom told me she was in Babyland and near the road....I think. I can't remember but I think I remember her saying that."

We drove in and just a little ways in I wanted to stop. I didn't because Wendy couldn't see the years of the grave stones. So we wrapped around and headed towards the enterance again.

Suddenly I just stopped.

"I'm looking here." I got out. Wendy went up ahead and we were looking in different rows. Suddenly Wendy shouted out "Melanie Chantelle Smith!! We found her!!" I ran towards her excited and happy. Wendy and I jumped around and hugged.

I turned towards my sister.

I came up to her little grave stone and knelt down.

"Hello Melanie. Your big sister is here." I started to cry."Sorry it took so long."

 As I stared at her little plot I thought about the day she was put here. In 1976 the beautiful tree that shades her grave was probably a little sapling. My family was all here, surrounding her grave and saying goodbye. My mom and dad probably holding each other. My aunts and uncles and family were surrounding them in love. Jason and I weren't there.

To choose to put your child in Babyland, you knowingly place them there knowing you will never be beside them. Only babies are here. My parents knew then, that they wouldn't be back.

34 years later, on a muggy summer day, her sister has arrived. I stood up and walked back to my van, in there I had 4 flowers, one representing each member of her family.

A lily. Beautiful delicate and elegant like my mom. I placed it on her grave and said " This was mom, she was beautiful and lovely like this flower, she was delicate like this flower too, she couldn't come back here, her heart was too sad. I guess she is with you now, let her mother you she is good at it."

An Iris. "This flower is like dad, it can withstand a snow storm and remain tall and strong. It is beautiful holds strong in any garden. You would have loved Dad. He is funny and loveable. I think you would have been his favorite, he held you alot when you where here. He was the one who would expand your lungs so you could breathe and it hurt you, and it hurt him. He held you lots to comfort your pain, to show you love. Losing you after fighting so hard to keep you, changed him. Visiting you was too hard. He loves you still. He calls me every year to remind me of your birthday. He would have driven you crazy too...just sayin.

Green spazy flower. Jason. "No idea what this flower is but its crazy and fun and funny, like Jason. He was the best brother a girl could have asked for. Thinking of him as a big brother is weird, but I am sure he would have flown kites with you, played with you and made you laugh. His speciality. I'm sure you're together now and he is loving you, I envy you. He is irreplaceable.

Gerber Daisy. Me. Well its a pretty flower and bright and it looks like a single flower but its actually made up of many to form one. That is pretty much me. I would have probably played with you and made you and Jason join in all my schemes. We would have been grounded together, spanked together and in our rooms together. I would have been a master at sign language because communicating with you would have been important to me.

I stood up and signed I love you against my chest.

"Melanie this is Wendy. She was born on month to the day after you. Looking at her I see what you would have been like as a woman, at 34. It blows my mind to see what it would have been like to know you as a grown up. I wish I could have seen you like this. Wendy is a great sister to me. I feel like you sent her to me, knowing I needed one. I have more sisters to bring, so I will be back."


I will be back. To this place with the beautiful tree and the rolling hills. Peaceful.

Wendy and I got back into the van. We drove back in silence. She asked how I was feeling and I wasn't sure yet.

We got back to our room and ripped off the yucky top comforter and laid in our beds.

"What are you feeling right now Raq?" Wendy asked softly.

"I..." I hesitated.

"Say it Raquel. Just talk with your heart"

" I wish I wasn't the only surviving child." I sobbed. "I'm not good enough. Look at what I am? I'm nothing. I haven't done anything amazing, I have screwed up my entire life.  I shouldn't be the only one. My parents deserved something better to be their legacy. Anything would have been better than me!!" Tears rolled down the side of my face and wet the pillow under my head.

Wendy sat up. She looked shocked to hear that from me.

"Are you not reselient, loving and kind like your mom? Are you not strong, smart and funny like your dad? Do you think that you would have survived this life of yours if you weren't the very best of your parents Raquel? How can someone, that has survived what you have survived, how can someone that has done this all alone, say they are nothing? How can you say that Raquel? How?"

"I just do Wen, I don't see the good in me. I don't see that I am something special. I only see the destruction. The destruction I caused, for me, for my children, for my family. That is all I am, destruction."

I sat up to blow my nose. I couldn't breathe. I was completly over come with my self hatred.

Wendy and I both laid down on the beds again.

"Your more than you think, Raquel. You aren't the only one to blame here. When you were free falling, where were your parents?"

"They lost a son!!" I cried "They couldn't deal with me and my shit."

"They HAD a daughter too." she said quietly.

"Yeah, me, worthless, nothing me. I would ignore me too!!" I said.

The stillness of the room was deafening.

Wendy sat up again. "Raquel I have known you for 10 years and you are my best friend,  but I have never seen you, REALLY seen you until today, raw, sad and alone. I never understood the alone. I see the alone now. You were truely alone." Her eyes were shining with tears.

"Yeah...I was. Not anymore though." I whispered sitting up and taking Wendy's hands.

"Not anymore." Wendy repeated.