Christmas Magic

Well once again I have over spent and may live in a cardboard box.

With 6 kids it is almost impossible to not over spend at Christmas, every year I say to myself, I WILL NOT give into the fiasco of Christmas and I will just get the basics for the children and keep Jon and I from falling behind and adding undo stress to our lives.

FAIL.

I don't know what happens, I get all scared of disappointing my kids and I get all crazy and I start buying things to represent my love.

To represent my love.

Is that what I am doing??!! That is sick! There will never be a sufficiant amount of money to possibily represent my love for my children, my husband, my friends and my dad. A whole year of guilt, for not showing my kids properly I love them, for not calling my dad because I am a chicken, for not holding Jon enough and living in the moment with him, will never have a dollar value or a gift value.

 Every year, I run around looking for the perfect gifts, that will make my children feel magical and special and loved and adored, I bake and I cook and I run around trying to find perfection, when all along, that gift is inside me.

Not that I don't share it often, I do, but because Christmas is suspose to be special, we want them to feel more magic, more love and more special. Yet, because I am so stressed out at Christmas time I snap at them everyday because I'm tired, broke and sad because, even the best present in the world will still leave me  feeling empty, because the real gift and only gift I can give, that will make me feel...like I gave magic...is me. My love, my devotion, my full attention is the only gift my children, Jon and Dad need.I can't possiblily give that kind of pure attention everyday, but, on Christmas, I should make it special, by being the best me...I can be. The loving mommy, the devoted wife and the daughter that loves with her whole heart, without fear.

So this year, my bank account is empty, because I didn't get it on time, however I will make a conscience decision to give them my magic.

Next year, my kids will experience the magic of Christmas with a few important gifts and some yummy goodies on the table, but most importantly, they will have me, fully engaged in the moment, stress free and calm, laughing and smiling because I feel like I did it right.

I GOT what Christmas is meant to be.

MAGIC.