Every year I break down in tears.
Usually Christmas morning, I get overwhelmed with feelings; overload, and have an ugly, soul cleaning, heart repairing cry.
The holidays are very difficult when you have lost family over the years. Everyone gets together..but...it's not everyone. You try to make the best of this holiday, buy the presents, make things magical, but inside, there is this hole that is flooded with grief.
I've decided that I will start planning my grief day, because if I don't plan it, it will come on its own in the middle of making memories with my children and make them feel sad and afraid.
Mommy shouldn't cry.
So I will get some beautiful Christmas music, lock myself in my room after the kids are asleep, sip a cold glass of sparkling apple cider, sit cross-legged on my bed and remember.
Remembering the Christmases of the past, with the beautiful trees and yummy baking, with my mom humming in the kitchen and Jason laughing in the living room, of being a child without any worries and the excitement of Santa, cuddling Jason and dreaming of the amazing presents, of being tucked in and loved. I will remember Grandparents that would chuckle at my antics, aunts and uncles that would make me laugh and friends who have come and gone from my life. Remembering all the things that made Christmas special and being thankful that I had these amazing people in my life at all, even if it was for a short time.
Then, I will wipe my tears, curl up into bed, and whisper to all of them...
"Thank you for allowing me to be part of your amazing life."
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