My people.

I got talked into something AGAIN.


I think the blog about " no" was spawned from this occasion. My friend wanted me to go to her friend's birthday party and I really didn't want to go. I was tired, I was starting to get sick and it was at a singles bar. I don't do crap like that anymore. I don't need to relive my youth. I lived it well.

She says "We just go there to dance and its lots of fun. There are lots of people our age and there are tons of fat people there."


WHAT? I don't need to hang with my "own" people. My people are any size or shape. I don't care if there are big people there or not. What was she getting at?

I tried to say no, maybe two hundred times. She keep pushing.

No didn't work for me again.


The evening started out ok, we went to dinner. I had pasta, which makes me happy. We drove to the singles bar, and from the moment I entered the door I knew I was not going to enjoy myself. I wasn't feeling well, I was tired and I just didn't want to be there. I felt forced to be there. So I guess I was annoyed in the first place.


The other girls were stoked to be there, they even had a place they normally stand at. I was wearing heels so I determined that standing was not an option. The music was playing and it was quiet at first, but by 11pm the place was packed. I was drinking Bud Lite Lime and listening to the few songs I knew. The rest was this dance crap I couldn't stand. FUN FUN FUN!!

My friend and the Birthday Girl wanted to dance to Lady GaGa. I really didn't want to and said No. Well, we all know that "No" doesn't work for me in this life. So on the dance floor I was. In heels. In the middle. In Hell.

You all know I am fluffy. I am not bad looking, I carry myself with confidence. I am sure that being funny and outgoing and not afraid to say what is on my mind keeps me in a safe place as far as being fluffy goes. The two other girls I was with on that dance floor are fluffy as well, not as outgoing as me and don't have that confidence I do. To the bullies and wolves they look like an easy mark, an innocent sheep that can be devoured.

Sure enough  a lone wolf came onto the dance floor. He started to pretend to grind himself on the behind of the birthday girl. She rolled her eyes and ignored him and tried to laugh him off. Then wolf went to my friend, pretending to slap her ass and making a great show of being a pig. Then wolf looked over at me and found himself staring into the eyes of another wolf, wearing sheep's clothing. I had that look that said "If you take one step towards me it will be your last." So the wolf tucked his tail between his legs and ran off the dance floor back to his den of wolves that were laughing and snickering at our flock of sheep.


RAGE. I was so angry I could have been the cause of global warming.

I took some cleansing breaths.

I went to my happy place.

I listened to my body.

It said kill.

I ignored my body.
I looked over to my comrades, to see if I had a pack of my OWN wolves, to go to battle with me, to make us some wolf coats and fine wolf boots and what I saw was two sheep. They were a little angry. Annoyed at being made fun of but ready to go back to our spot and drink it off.

I blinked.


All the fight went out of me. I felt this cold pain in my heart and it cooled me down to a place where I accepted it. I looked over at the wolves den and I lost my courage. I may have been a wolf, I may still be a wolf, but I have this sheep suit on and it kinda makes me ...a sheep. With all my heart I wanted to protect these girls to stop people from hurting them, but in the end, I am a wolf wearing a sheep suit. Who takes a wolf in a sheep suit seriously? Nobody.


I went home that night, cuddled in with Jon and thought about how lucky I am. I have gone 13 years without feeling bad about being fluffy, being fat, and I have never felt embarrassed about it, or sad or angry. That night changed me. I was ashamed to be fluffy. I was ashamed to be a sheep. I may be confident and strong willed and a fighter, but that night I was more sheep than wolf.



I wish I fought for us all that night. Not with fists or yelling matches, not that kind of fighting, but with courage and confidence. I should have gone to wolves den and spoke up about the insult, dealt with the leers and howls from the wolf pack. I should have been an alpha wolf and protected my pack. My people. The Fluffy. The Sheep.



Oh I will now. I will do it as a sheep. I will do it as a wolf, but from now on, I will do it.


Until they can do it for themselves.


Woof. Baahhh. Woof.