Listen to your body

So I picked up that book by the author of that Good Housekeeping article, the book is called Women, Food and God. It’s a book that has changed me in so many ways, its like it was written just for my journey and me.
Anyways, it says to meditate and listen to what your body is saying. First, I am hyper active, so slowing down my mind to listen to a body that chooses to just follow along with me on my over eating endeavors isn't an easy task.

 For the first 10 minutes I closed my eyes and heard my tummy growling and could smell Cheese Doodles. I tried harder. I listened to my heartbeat, its erratic, like me. I felt my head on the pillow, felt it wasn't comfy enough so I fluffed it into a ball and lay down again. I breathed deeply; I scratched an itch, picked my teeth, thought about my secret stash of cheese doodles. I got up and looked for the doodles. I must have eaten them. Now I am annoyed. I don't even remember eating them. I start thinking about how to get some more. Maybe I moved them. Looked around again for them. Found the empty bag. Ate the dust on the bottom. Lay back down. Sighed 9 times. Then tried to listen again.

At first it was just a whisper. It said I'm not hungry. I am pretty content to not have the doodles thanks. Then it got louder. Since your listening, I have a few complaints. My knees, feet and back hurt. We can't carry this weight forever. My stomach hates protruding out. My arms are heavy and tired. My mind is unfocused, restless and cautious. My heart is sad, tired, lost and scared. It’s telling me that I am healing though, it feels ok to express my feelings, it’s willing to try and open up a little. My stomach also wants me to stop eating the things that make it sick and bloated. Milk, argh, meat, argh, bread, argh... and cheese doodles. ARGH. My body tells me that with everything I lost, I never lost hope, and its there cheering me on. How the hell did Hope survive this all? The loudest thing my body said was I am tired. Let me rest. I need you to not expect everything to begin at once, like you usually do. Start slow. Slow down and let this happen slowly. You’re working from the inside out. Heal your heart, your mind, you soul, and then work on the outside. This body will carry you until you can carry yourself.

I opened my eyes. Tears were streaming down my face, I could feel the warmth of my body, and it was glowing with hope. I could hear my heart, beating with hope. I could taste the salt from my tears it tasted like hope. I still have hope. I can do this. I can heal. I can focus. I can listen. I can live again.

I got up from my bed, was tangled in the blankets and wiped out. I got up and went to mirror. I was all disheveled and red eyed. I looked scared and sad. Then I noticed the cheese doodle bag was stuck to my shirt. I crumpled it up. Threw it in the garbage beside my nightstand and paid attention to my body's request to not have more tonight. I splashed some water on my face; I enjoyed the feel of the cold water on my hot face. I could smell the lotions and put some on, and actually felt excited to be listening to my body's requests. My tummy growled again. WHAT DO YOU WANT!!?? A hug, it said. So I went downstairs and found Jon, and hugged him. My tummy felt full.

So did I.