The promise.

During this healing of my life, I have reflected on a lot of mistakes and taken ownership of them. One of mistake that keeps coming to my mind is my dad.

In order for me to come to grips with my relationship with my dad I, had to do some research on how he and I got to where we are.

Even though we started out with him losing a bet that I was a boy, we were sorta close until I became a teenager, then things went really bad. I was headstrong, independent, hyper and impulsive and that drove him crazy. We constantly butted heads, mostly because we are so similar neither one of us would back down when battles began. My mom had to constantly mediate for us because we couldn't back off enough to make up. Mom would talk to Dad about making amends with me and Jason would talk to me about just not bring it on with Dad; neither of us listened to our "helpers".

My final act of rebellion was to run away after having a huge fight with my Dad. I left and didn't look back for a month. No call, no letter not a word. Looking back on that now, as a mother, I couldn't imagine what they went through. At 16, I didn't care. I was pissed off and didn't want to speak to my dad again. I see now that he wasn't himself then, he was unemployed, lost because he had to find himself again after losing his company, and plain mad at himself for letting his family down. That anger wasn't directed properly, but I understand not being in control of ourselves when we are in deep stress. Now. Its too bad kids don't have reason until they reach 22 or older. We would make a lot less mistakes if we could see the truth about our actions and consequence.

Things only got worse from there. Dad and I had laid the lines down for war, and we did it hardcore for 20 years. While I was making horrible decision after horrible decision I was making him madder and madder, how could his kid be such a train wreck? The more he got mad the more I hid or kept things from him, my Mom kept things from him to keep the peace, but peace never happened. Every mistake I made ended up with him finding out and being more disappointed in me, I hated living with the disappointment. I still do. What I haven't done is try and make it better. I have allowed this relationship to stay crappy, because I was afraid that I couldn't fix it. I didn't know how to fix it. Where to start after two decades of war?

Those were the questions I had in my head when my mom was dying. I wondered how in the world am I going to live this life with Dad, the only survivor of my past, who only remembers the terrible because that is the only part I let him see. I remember holding my mom's hand and trying to give her some of my strength so she wouldn't leave me with him. "Mom" I thought. "Don't leave me with him, he hates me"

Later that day my mom woke up for a while and asked to talk to me. I sat down beside her and she held my hand and said to me,

" Promise me something?"

I nodded.

"Promise me you will never quit on your father?"

I groaned. " Are you kidding me mom? That is the worst promise you could ask me to make!! Ripping my own teeth out would be easier, I will get the pliers, but to not quit on him...I can't...I just can't. He hates me. He doesn't know who I am? He makes me hate myself!! "

"Faye, I wish I could take him with me, he will be so lost without me, but I can't. You will be all that he has, you and your kids. Your dad loves you, he doesn't know how to talk to you or to tell you but he really loves you. I promise you that." She was crying, it was so important to her.

So I promised.



What a ride that has been, let me tell ya. It’s been a roller coaster of emotion. I love him, I hate him, I want to drown him, I love him. I want to tamper with his car...something like that. We tried to work together for a while, that was a bad idea, maybe the worst idea ever. I quit by having another child and emailing him that if I wanted to keep my promise to my mom, we better part ways as co-workers, which came after almost a year of silence.

I was talking to one of my dad's friends the other day and she said that I need to either write him or have a meeting with him and admit that I disappointed him. Admitting it will set me free. I own so much, but that one I didn't want to touch, but I think I can now.

I disappointed my dad.

Ouch.
I never wanted to do that. I just did.

I love my dad. I really love him, I have my whole life. When I talk to my dad and we are connecting its the same rush to me as a bungee jumper gets after the big jump. He makes my heart sing and he just warms my soul. My humor is directly from him. He makes me laugh so hard I tear up, that isn't easy to do to a comedian. I miss him. I want us to be the way we where before I screwed up. I have to make the first move.

I know he doesn't read this blog. I hope someday we get to a place where I would show him. Until then I guess I will say it here.
I am sorry Dad.
I love you.

I hope you know it.
You will be proud of me again.

I promise.