Dear Jason

When I first lost Jason I went to a grief counselor. I was told to write a letter to my brother and say goodbye to him, and tell him the things you will miss. I half assed it. I was pissed off and didn't want to be there. So I basically put. Dear Jason, hope things are good. See you there later. Raquel. I didn't take the homework seriously. I was annoyed to be put into the same group as someone that was mourning a cat or a distant cousin. Listening to them mourn annoyed me. I didn't want to hear it. So I didn't cooperate at all during any of it and soon I just stopped showing up at all.

I can see why I should have written that letter. I would have had a chance to say the words that I never got to when he was alive. I could have maybe mourned him properly instead of the crazy way I did it. Since I am now trying to do things the right way, I suppose I should do this letter. Here I go. This should be crappy.

Dear Jason,

Merk. This is the word we gave each other to say I love you. It was a word we said so no one else but us knew what we meant. Our secret.

Growing up with you was amazing. Having your best friend around all the time kinda rocked. I told you all my secrets, you told me all yours. We played a billions games and used our imagination like pros. We pretended to be detectives, cabbage patch dolls, stuffed animals, ninjas, WWF wrestlers( I was a good Sheik) and different characters we made up. We built forts in the snow, kites that never flew, and cards to say sorry to Mom for breaking something. We beat the crap out of each other when we fought, we would have an Indian wrestle to determine who was the better man. GI Joe was a blast. I loved being the bad guys and you the heroes. We both loved the action figures that were deformed and fought to the death to have them on our team. Our pets got dressed up in outfits and carted around the neighborhoods. We were business associates in our Kool Aid stand business, make a quick buck then hike to Macs together and made our favorite selections. Yours was always a slurpee and those pouches of powder with a dip stick and mine the slurpee and wigwag bar. We would eat our goods at the playground laying on the grass plotting our next adventure. Riding bikes with cards in the back tire to sound like a motorcycle. Wipe outs with skinned knees. I had the best childhood because of you.

Growing up we even became better friends. We had our own friends then, but mostly still hangout with each other. We would get up late at night and watch our favorite shows. Laughter was common with us both around. Man, Jason you were funny. You dated some of my friends. I dated some of yours. We both didn't like it. We drank our first beer together, snuck Dad's wine together. Smoked a tea bag together. (Do not try this at home)

When I ran away you understood. Everyday I wanted to phone you. But I never knew when you would be home by yourself. I called you one day after school and told you not to tell where I was. You didn't. You cried. You missed me. I cried. I missed you. Finally the day came, one month after I left, when you could come over and see me. I was watching out the window and saw you walking up. I ran out the door and hugged you so tight. Tears were streaming down both of our faces. You said to me, I will never forget. "Nell, never leave me again. If you have to leave, take me with you but never leave me. Promise me." I promised you. I should have made you make the same promise.

I became a mother shortly after that. You were a 15-year-old uncle. You helped me through that. I moved home. You and I talked a lot about how my life was going to change. You asked if I was scared. I was. You told me you would be there. You were. You loved your nephew with your whole heart. Took him downstairs to your room and played with him until he got grouchy. Everyday after school you would pick him up and spin him around and make him laugh. You were a great uncle.

I moved out again. You would come over and hang out. We would talk about your life, your goals. I would tell you about mine, my horrible relationship with our parents, my bad judgment, my secrets. You supported me in them even when they sucked. You questioned my bad ideas, but I did them anyways. You never judged me when I was wrong.

I decided I was in love and I got married. You were the Best Man. I cried that day when you signed the papers to give me my new name. I thought it was perfect. Having you do that. You helped raise me. You knew me the best. We had a great time at my wedding. You asked me to dance to the song " A Whole New World" a Disney song we both liked. It was perfect for us. Now I'm in a whole new world with you....me being married, you living on your own with Jenn, a new chapter in our lives.

I continued on in my life. I had three beautiful children. You were the first one there with Mom to welcome my children at the hospital. You held them and loved them all. You babysat.You spoiled them. You were proud to have them.

I know we fought, we hurt each other, I know my life impacted yours and not only for the better. I know I let you down sometimes. I know you let me down sometimes. Sometimes we were a real brother and sister. So I haven't made you into something you weren't.

I remember the last time I saw you. It was after Celeste's Wedding. I had MC'd it. I was great. I did the best I could. I was floating on air from that amazing performance. You came up to me and told me I did amazing. You were proud of me. That I should do stand up comedy for a living.You told me you were staying a little longer to see about a girl. I told you I would see you when you got back to Calgary. Before I left you called over to me, and I looked back. And across a busy room you said "Merk" I smiled back and said "Merk" back.

Merk. Jason. Merk.

Love your sister,

Raquel