Words of wisdom. Part one.

Since I have lived such a crazy life you would assume I would have come upon some wisdom. I sure have, and I would like to share it with you, so that you won’t make some of the mistakes I have made.
Here we go.

1. Never microwave hubba bubba, it doesn’t do anything and when you go to pick it up it molds to your fingertips causing removal of fingerprints. Good if you’re a criminal, bad if you like having fingerprints.

2. Micro waving a banana sounds like a ton of fun, and it is until it starts expanding and blows up causing the door to open and a magma of hot banana lava to come flying through out the kitchen. Bad burns. Big mess. Big bad trouble from mom.

3. When nursing a hang over don’t chug orange juice and then follow it with milk, it doesn't taste like a creamsicle. AT ALL.

4. Eating a whole watermelon and then going on a hike is a bad idea.

5. Don’t trust your friends when they tell you there is a way to un-stick your tongue from a frozen pole, there isn’t a way other than ripping your tongue away and leaving a taste bud pelt on the pole.

6. Never drink orange juice when healing from a pole dare.

7. Never suggest using lemon juice as an aftershave because it smells nice. It causes redness of the face, from yelling at you with a sizzling face, but he did smell nice.

8. Do tell your brother there is a way to un-stick your tongue from a frozen pole, makes for a great afternoon of laughter.

9. Do tell your bother that the best thing to make a tongue dare feel better is an orange juice smoothie, actually don’t, he spews it all over the kitchen and BOTH of you have to clean it up.

10. Don’t carry eggs in your backpack because you and your friends are going to go egging after school, ruins your “not done” homework. Although it IS a good excuse. Ok do it.

11. Don’t lick the lid of a frozen juice container, read #5. It applies.

12. Never stick your hand into things that are narrow, I have been stranded hundreds of times with my hand wedged in cabinet door handles, between the fridge door and freezer door gap, and many separator bars at malls. It takes time out of your life you just can't get back.

13. Children are attracted to maxi pads with wings. They stick nicely to walls, windows that face the neighbor’s house and look like birds so they “fly” them around the house.

14. When you find your child that thinks margarine is cream and is covered from head to toe, never pick them up with out assistance, they are slippery little suckers oh and bathing them only repels the water so you have to use Sunlight to remove the margarine. Oh and Sunlight burns their eyes when it drips in them. Watch for the eyes.

15. When you lick the top of donuts they stick to walls nicely and make great artwork.

16. When using bakers food coloring, you only use once small drip from a toothpick, not 7 full squirts. It dyes your children’s mouths and teeth blue for a week. BRIGHT BLUE! Good thing I noticed it before I took my bite. I waited till they were done to share. That was a good idea, less wasted cake.

17. Telling your friend to punch you in the nose so you have an excuse to be late for class, only gives you a bruised nose…and friend.

18. Don’t jump from a two-storey house when you have a full bladder, because when you land on your ass and think you have internal injuries and scream like a banshee that your dying, your boyfriend will have a look and determine you pissed yourself. Nice in front of 15 of your friends from school. Doesn’t help with your popularity or you nick names. Peed Her Pants stuck.

19. When the guy you have a crush on finally smiles at you, and you have a cold, don’t smile back and breathe through your nose. Snot bubble girl suck too.

20. Some of your best experiments are best not explained to your mother. Eating a tank of fish while drunk was hard to explain when I thought I was dying from food poisoning.

Aren’t I a great source of knowledge?
My curiosity does get me into a lot of trouble. I hope someday I will out grow it and grow up. Doubt it though.

I don’t want to.