Operation: To boldly go where I used to be.

Ok its time to get this fat suit off!! I wish it was as easy as putting it on.

I just wish I didn't freaking love it so much. I mean I really love it. I love the soft fluffy curves, I love being outrageous and voluptuous. I really honestly do. Jon loves me this way, my friends love me this way. My kids call me Fluffy mommy. They don't remember me thin. Well maybe "T" does and maybe "A" Did you guys notice that my kids names spell TAMEAR.HA HA HA. Ok Raquel focus.

I don't think I remember being thin either. I actually relate to me fluffy better than thin. I am larger than life in personality I guess I should be larger than life in body too. Too bad diabetes kills and my heart is weak and I have that cancer bug hanging around. I guess that makes it a little hazardous for my health.

What I don't love is getting on a treadmill. I dislike the gym and its smell. I dislike trainers trying to sell you personal training. I know how to get it off. I just don't like it. It takes work, organization, commitment, patience, self-control and pure determination. All things that I don't specialize in. I actually suck so bad at those things I could get a metal in Women’s 100 meter avoidance. I wouldn't get gold because I couldn't possibly try at it so I would place a good healthy bronze. Natural talent goes a long way. And I have been this disaster since...well birth.

Wendy and I were talking about this yesterday. She always tells me that I am too hard on myself. I know I am. She told me that I am actually pretty hard working, I do organize pretty good, and I am committed to my family and my life. I wouldn't have come this far if I wasn't. I have patience, tons of it she says. 6 kids. One woman. Takes patience. Jon takes patience. He is a goofball that is learning how to manage a large family, he goes to a job he hates everyday, he is a dreamer, he is where organization goes to die and to top it all off he moves at the pace of a wounded snail. My PATIENCE has kept us all alive. Wendy always puts things in to perspective. Of course we never touched on self control. That is one thing I can't control. Being random. Stupid random. For those of you that have known me my whole life we all know I am not one for self control. And no I can't learn it either. It doesn't take. Do I really need it to get into shape? Hope not. Because I HAVE to get into shape. Stupid shape. I am in shape. Apple or ball is a shape.

Where to begin on this journey??!! What will it take to begin again. First I have to not be so freaking tired. I have to get onto a good sleep pattern. Second. Figure out what I love to do that’s active and start doing it. NO IDEA what that is. Swimming I guess. Running maybe. Weight training in the pump class...yes. I did love that class.

Eating right is a pain in the ass. Even when I was in perfect shape, I ate. I ate a full can of mushroom soup everyday after school. Then a big supper and then snacked on cookies before I fell asleep in a crumbly bed. I never had breakfast, mostly because I was always late for school or a job or something. My mom would send me to school with a lunch with a sandwhich a juice box, a fruit and cookies. Gone, if I remembered my lunch. Most of the time I mooched off my friends Sue or Dannielle or Tara, when they remembered to bring them. Sometimes we would gather money and go and get pizza at the pizza place. Again we walked or rode our bikes everywhere. So I guess it all worked out. I was also in sports and swimming and was naturally hyper so I burned what I ate.

Now I do next to nothing. So I guess my eating has to be watched. Right now I am eating left over pizza and eyeing a bag of cheese doodles. This will be work. Hard work. Salads piss me off. They get stuck in my teeth and they are floppy. I hate floppy food. Maybe I should just work out 24 hours a day so I can eat what I want. Seems more reasonable.

I am open for suggestions. And I plan on starting this all tomorrow, or maybe the next day. Well I guess soon but not too soon.

Gotta work on that bronze.