I lost my funny.

Well I am still funny. I just can't make it do something for me.

My humor and I have been great friends most of my life. I remember being a kid and just saying some of the most random funny things ever. My mom once asked me if I was born in a barn and I looked at her and said Jesus was born in a barn and he is a great fellow. I got in trouble anyway.

 I have wanted to be a comedian for a long time. I think I am just different enough to really make it once I get going. And here folks, is the problem. Getting going. Motivation.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to going for gold. Watching the athletes on the Olympics I admire them and the courage and commitment it takes to get there. Its the same with being in the arts. Yes comedy is an art. I have to mold it and write it and edit it and finally perform it. I have to time my facial expressions, read the crowd. I have to have comedic timing. I have to put myself out there and just freaking try. And here I still am. Not doing it. I am terrified to succeed. I have all these wonderful talents that I do NOTHING with. I can write I can sing I can move I make people laugh. I speak in public without batting an eye. I am an amazing story teller. I have people listening to me even if its only about nothing....but will I do anything with this gift? Nope. Not yet.

So let me roll up my sleeves and figure out why I am just not doing it. Ok. Motivation. That's a good start. I just don't have the time or energy to add another thing into my list of stuff to do. I work full time. I am a mother of 6 kids. I have a huge house that I hate cleaning. I have meals to prepare. The Mount Everest of laundry and a husband that is another work in progress. I have friends that I love spending time with. I have a large family I love spending time with. I have a whole bunch of emotional crap to fix. I AM EXHAUSTED!! And now I want to chase my dreams too???!! I'm crazy.

This is hard to believe but I am not confident enough to  put myself out there yet. I have been judged so much in my life that to put myself up in front of people and ask them to like me is a little intimidating. I keep thinking that if I resolve all my fears of judgement I will be able to just do it and do it well. I need to slowly go through in my mind the things I believe people are judging me for and just...let it go. Did these people have to make the tough decisions I have had to make in this short life span? Did they have a life full of horrible pain that made them unable to pick themselves up for 13 years?  And why is it that the people the judge you the most harsh are the ones that are a joke themselves. They live this easy life that they can't stand. They have no one that really gives a crap about them. They have had no life experiences that have make them learn the very important lesson of empathy, or they have it but only use it for themselves. They feel really sorry for just themselves. Who are these people that judge others. My head races around and finds these people that have judged me harshly and ... they fall into two categories. People that have had an easy life and judge because its easy to judge someone when they don't freaking have a clue about real life. And people that have had it tough but want the spot light shone on someone else so they can get away with being horrible people that haven't grown or evolved.

Ok here it is. What do I deserve to be judged for. Holy crap I don't believe I am doing this on a public forum. But here it goes...GULP.

1. I AM FAT AND LAZY.
2. I HAVE DONE NOTHING WITH MY LIFE.
3. I GRIEVED REALLY POORLY.
4. I CHOOSE TO HAVE A LARGE FAMILY.
5. I HAVE BEEN BROKE MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.
6. I HAVE THREE DIFFERENT DADS FOR MY KIDS
7. I HAVEN'T COMPLETED ANYTHING I HAVE STARTED.
8. CHOICES I HAVE MADE HAVE CAUSED PAIN TO MY PARENTS, MY KIDS AND MYSELF.
9. I NEVER MADE MY PARENTS PROUD.
10. I LOST PRIMARY CUSTODY OF MY CHILDREN FOR A WHILE , DUE TO POOR CHOICES.


Holy crap this is hard to do. I am crying and writing and sorry all at the same time.

OK MY JURY!! You have all that on me!!! Do you think as a child I dreamed of blowing it this bad? Do you think I wanted to do all these things and that I am proud of it? Do you think I have any pride left after all this? Well I do. I am proud that I survived this. I am proud I fought to live through this pain and destruction. I am proud that I am STILL HERE!!! I made all these decision alone. ALONE!! I didn't have a sounding board of reason. I didn't have someone there to help me with this stuff. My judgement isn't sound and strong like I guess it needed to be with this life. I will never regret ANY of the choices I have made to have my kids. I have three different dads for them, but while I was train wrecking my life I was bringing on this planet 6 amazing kids and if it took all this to make that happen I would do it again and again. Losing them while I was going through huge amount of stresses like watching cancer take my mom, like dealing with my strained relationship with my dad and trying to save up to get my kids back was something I can't forgive myself for. What right do you have to judge me? Where you there? If you were. Why didn't you help me? Help my kids? Help in anyway? Because the answer is this. Its easier to stand by and watch someone go down in flames then to step inside the flames and pull someone out. Its easier to judge them and scorn them than to rescue them. Most of my tormentors are Christians. God must be proud of you. Make a nice poster of you and place it front and center and say...I am a Christian. I let people fall flat on there asses and judge them. Join today. Be one of God's people. SICK. I don't judge you for that, I can't, its not the way I was raised. But maybe you should spend more time looking at you and have a conversation with God. You don't have the right to judge me or anyone.

THERE. That's out there now. Doesn't seem so powerful to me anymore.  Ok a  little powerful still.

I guess once I forgive my yesterday I will find my tomorrow.