Yesterday I cried

So I was driving to the local grocery store, minding my own business when suddenly I ran into my past. Past was driving a gray truck and waved me through. I started to proceed when I recognized past and waved happily at him. I waved like a best friend waves to another. It was G.

When I realized what I was doing I stopped and parked the van and...cried. At first I was stunned by my minds natural reaction to G. My unthinking mind sees him as a friend. Not just any friend but someone I care deeply about and react with excitement and happiness. At first I was furious with myself. Why are you waving at that man like that? He is your sworn enemy. He has hurt you over and over and over again and you wave at him like a close friend? WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
Then the answer slowly ebbed into my brain. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. He should still be your friend. He wasn't supposed to ever become your enemy. You had babies together, you were teen parents together, and you grew up together, laughed, cried, loved, fought, struggled, won, lost and did it all together. If true friendship isn't made of that...then what is it made of? And here is the kicker, because we ended everything while I was mourning Jason, I never mourned this relationship. I just sauntered off and went on living as though this relationship never happened. That was a gross injustice to this love. When did this become a contest on who can hurt who better? When did it become ok to tear each other apart and not own what we were doing? When did we say that this person wasn't worth respecting?

That in its self is a long story. Here is what I am willing to own about it right now. I hurt him. I left him without a back glance. I walked out of his life into his best friend's. I didn't grieve him or miss him. I didn't think about him or his feelings. I just left. After I left I closed him out of my life completely. He wasn't the only one; I cut out all my friends at that time, cut off my parents, shut out everyone. I just quit. I was pissed off. I know why.... now. When I couldn't get out of bed, when I was sad beyond anything, when I didn't want to take another breath, when everyone was judging me and I couldn't defend myself they G, Mom and Dad ( by no fault of there own, they were grieving a son) those friends...let me fall, hard, alone and to the bottom. I didn't know how to get up by myself.... but I did, somehow and walked away from them all. I walked from the betrayal, the heartache and never looked back until yesterday...until today.  I finally have healed enough to see it all. I am sorry that I been so angry for so long that I was blind to my part in all of this.
In that parking lot I finally grieved that relationship. I cried because I missed G. I cried because I let him down too. I collected myself. Dried my tears. Drove home and forgave us both.