Understanding this Blog

I think I need to explain why I am doing this. I have had some feedback that disturbs me and I want everyone to understand what it is I am actually doing here.

I am coming back from being dead inside. I am slowing weaving my life back. I have spent 13 years in total avoidance. I have tried to keep my life as private as possible so that I wouldn't be judged, or condemned or ridiculed. I hid so much of myself that I became something I'm not, isolated, afraid and lonely. The only thing I had left was hope. Hope is what kept me believing that I had a chance at this.

I want to be clear about one thing. I am not placing blame on anyone for my fall. The free fall I went though was supposed to happen. No one could have helped me. I would have pushed them away. I would have disappeared. I needed to figure this all out for myself. I needed to want to live again. Sure, some of you could have kept the wolves at bay while I was suffering. But dealing with the wolves has taught me that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I can fight for this life. I want this life. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy.
I was the best at pretending I was ok. I didn't want people too close, so I told them what ever it took for them to go away. I didn't want to risk the chance that I would love again, not with this heart.

I have been blessed with a challenging life. The lessons I have learned made me a person that I am so proud of. I have grown so much in these 13 years. I have learned that loving you is the toughest challenge of all, and that forgiving yourself is plain horrific.

This blog is putting out there my raw and unrestricted me. It is not a easy read, it's not an easy write, but it's honest. It’s helping me. I hope it helps you. If I am not helping or if I am making it hard for you on your journey please don't read it. All I want is to do well, for me and for everyone here.

I also want to thank you for encouraging me and being my greatest partner. I need you all now. I won't push you away. I will step into your fire if you need me or let you come dance in the fire with me.... I love you THAT much.

So this blog is my story. I'm done with hiding and with being ashamed. I am what I am and I love me in spite of me.

I am asking you to love me, in spite of me too.