Hey Fluffy

Holy crap this isn't going to be easy, since when did we have that much chaos in our lives??!!

And you, like dragging a dead horse towards the door, to get you to walk yesterday, and don't think you won, I will be marching your ass around today and YOU have no say about it. I get, you were tired yesterday and needed to sleep but...if you get tired that early then you come home for work and get that puppy and walk until you have to pick up the kids. How about Walk to pick up the kids? I know the temperture is going to drop here soon but I guess we will have to purchase some warm gear for you, and some new shoes, yours suck and an Ipod or MP3 player would help distract you from your obsessing about your fatigue or your responsibilities.

 Look this family will have to figure out how to take care of themselves if you aren't on this planet anymore because your heart gives up because it is tired of carrying our load. I will get them on a program of taking over suppers 3 times a week or more so you can do this. Missing supper on the nights Trevor brings home pizza isn't a bad thing, I will make sure there are healthy choices for you on the fly.

Did a bomb go off in the fridge??!! I see all the healthy food but it is such a disaster in there you don't know what to eat and how to eat it. Meal planning (I know planning isn't your thing) will have to happen. Precooking a lot on the weekend should take a bunch of pressure off you on the weekday, I know that cuts into your "escape the house and have fun" time but now is go time. Want to hang with these amazing friends, walk with them, call them, and meet somewhere and walk. I understand you don't want to go to the gym right now, I get it, because you can't find your shoes and you have OCD about things not being exactly right before going somewhere like a gym, with the judgement and the muscleheads. So until I find those bloody shoes, we will be getting to know your neighbourhood, no hills...that almost killed you. Nice and easy, my friend.

I know you are trying so hard, I can feel you getting overwhelmed but take a deep breath and trust me, I won't let you fall, I am right here, loving you, holding you up and believing in you.

We can do this.

Love Slim

Dear Slim...first day back.

I forgot to tell you this wouldn't be easy. I kinda like not working too hard, I also get discouraged pretty easy. Oh and our lives...pretty crazy right now. 6 kids, a puppy, a dragon, and a cat to keep alive. No one else seems to know how to cook in that house, that or they don't care to try and things get untidy every half minute. Look I am willing to do whatever you say, to get this weight off, but well, it's going to take some thought process.

I love how I didn't think about anything negative yesterday, and I wasn't afraid. I had this inner peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Like I can let go of the steering wheel and let you drive. I only wish I could lay on a couch and eat cheese doodles and watch you work your magic, but apparently I have to be part of this healing process. SIGH.

Love you,

Fluffy.

Dear Slim

Dear Slim,

You would think I would be mad at you for ditching me, but I'm not. I just plain missed you, I'm the funny and sensitive one that is here to make people laugh and feel good, you were the one that had an edge and gave me determination and drive. You leave me in charge, and the result is this, I eat my feelings, I act like an idiot and I have no idea how to fight or defend myself, so people get away with treating me like poo. I hate making decisions, that was your job. So I made decisions that would make me feel the least shitty and well...LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!


You sure have your work cut out for you, I'm not built to carry this load, where there was muscle, there is now fluff and fluff isn't made to do anything but be soft. That is what I am, soft, in my heart, in my soul and now, in my body. You Slim are the strength of this operation and only you can carry fluffy me across this finish line.

I advise you to make me lighter so carrying me isn't so impossible.

Remember Slim, although I am excited to have you back, I have changed too. I went through a whole bunch of things that have forever changed who I am. I'm afraid of being exposed without my fluffy suit, I'm afraid of being alone to deal with the changes, this fluffy suit has kept the wolves at bay and made me pretty invisible, I liked that, I know how to deal with invisible, being seen, being beautiful and noticeable again...terrifying. You know my past, you know what has happened to me that makes these fears very valid, you have to stay and deal with these things now, my coping skills won't do it anymore. I need you to fight for me, keep me healthy, be strong and believe for both of us that we are worth more than ridicule and abuse. I will keep my end of the deal, keep it funny, keep it soft and keep it full of love.

By the way Slim, we aren't alone, because I'm soft, and funny and pretty wonderful, I have amazing friends cheering us on, be nice to them, they love us like we deserve to be loved.

Welcome back Slim, you have been missed.

Now get to work and fix my mess.

Loved always by me,

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

It has been a long time since I have spoken up to you. I guess I was in hiding because I was afraid that you wouldn't forgive me for letting you take on, all my fears and sadness. I'm sorry I let you down and let you fall apart without my support. It was all so hard to deal with. I didn't know how to survive it all, so I let you cushion me with the fluff, to cover up my loveliness with excess and protect me from a world without Jason, without protection, without support and love, and let me disappear and grieve in silence.

I'm silent no more. I'm healed, I grieve no more, I'm strong and happy and I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and pick you up. Today and everyday after this, I will worship this body of ours, she has survived insurmountable pain, hardship and loss and I will love and nurture you Fluffy, because you protected me. You can rest now, well not really rest, because you no longer have to store our bullshit. Every pound on our body is a pound of pain I won't let reside there anymore, I love you too much, I respect you, I see you and your desperation to live and I will take us there. I know how to be healthy and how to use this body for good like hiking and skiing and all the other things I used to do with my body when I was in charge. I know how much our body should eat, because I used to eat well and take care of myself, because, here is the kicker, I used to love eating well and being active. I think you forgot how well I ate and how active I was. You'll be remembering soon.

I just want to help you get up with those extra pounds, hold you up until you can do this without it being a conscience effort. I won't let the harmful self talk be there anymore, only my voice will be there, I have the right to be there, I know your story and I know you did your very best with a life full of rollercoaster loops, only now, I'm on this ride with you and I'll be damned if you ever ride alone again.

 I am well again, I will protect you from your asshole ex husband, as if HE has the right to ridicule YOU, he forgets I know his past and if he would like me to enlighten him about it and his OWN choices and mistakes, I sure will...anytime, bring it on bucko. Leave him to me, he will piss off when I am done with him. How dare anyone prey on someone that was suffering? Well no more, I think he also forgets the girl he met 21 years ago, there is no way she would tolerate this bull crap and she isn't going to anymore. Lets play with this bully, HE won't be winning this battle, not anymore.

  I will be coaching you towards making us the same person. I will pick you up when you are tired, I will hand you an apple when you crave the sultry salty temptress Cheese Doodle, and I will love you, and take care of you like I have never done before. I'm sorry I didn't, I didn't know how special you were until you took this fat bullet for me and took care of me.

So that voice in your head...rooting for you is me, again I am sorry I took off and let you deal with all my crap, but now is the time we unite and kick this weight and be done with the sad chapter of our life. Now we will move on toward the place we would be if I hadn't left you. A place were we are happy, strong, determined, free and successful.

I will love you always,

Slim

Confusion

With all these new medications, I'm not sure what is to blame for my confusion. My head can't seem to retain any information and I miss being able to think on the fly. I guess it is good that I'm not trying to pursue my comedy career right now, because I would be screwed if someone heckled me. I can't think on the spot at all, or if I get interrupted I will never come back to the original thought. Maybe it's age??

Starting a new job ( that I love) with all the new systems and a new program to learn I'm getting frustrated with how much I am screwing up. This isn't me!!! I guess I have to slow down and take my time and learn a few things at a time, unlike my old self. In the future I guess when an employer asks what are some of my weaknesses I can say..."well I can't multi- task and I STILL can't craft, so nothing with scissors or glue..or sparkly things...WITH glue ...that stick to my fingers and make me go postal... and obsessively wash my hands to get all stick off of me...and then get an itchy nose....oh crap...I just changed topics, and I can't remember where I was going with that...SIGH.

I hate being confused. Clarity is what I crave right now. I need to take ownership of my own mistakes and sort out how to fix them and start over so I can feel complete. Maybe THAT is why I am so confused right now, I have so much I am trying to do, that my brain is going into overload. My heart is too, I have been allowing myself to feel and express and love and it is quite shocking to my system...to have attachments again.

This self improvement thing is difficult. Sitting on the couch eating cheese doodles was easier than this...but not rewarding or for the betterment of myself.

Every night, I now look at how far I have come and smile because this journey is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Then.

I try to remember where I lost my keys.

I need

I need peace
I need love
I need family
I need friends
I need acceptance
I need cheese doodles ( ha ha just seeing if you're paying attention)
I need hugs
I need to learn how to enjoy hugs
I need calm
I need humor
I need time to cry
I need protection
I need shelter from my life storm
I need to create magic with my talents
I need dreams
I need goals
I need mothering
I need rest
I need forgivness
I need to forgive myself and others
I need my dad
I need help sometimes
I need to ask for help
I need to help others
I need to feel safe
I need to accept that I have needed and gone without.
I NEED to take care of my needs now and forever.

Where has the time gone?

Well I sure have been slacking on this blog. Well that should be remedied asap.

So many things have changed since my last blog. First I no longer car pool with Mike as I lost my job. I actually quit but was asked to. I have been missing a lot of work lately because of my health, my blood pressure has been through the roof. My body, that has been living in high stress for a long time is letting me know that enough is enough.

I am living proof that a broken heart, can actually break your heart.

So the cure, is to un-break my heart. Everyday I get up and I list off the things I am thankful for. I mentally picture all my family, my friends, the roof over my head, my husband and lastly, myself, I am thankful for my life and the lessons I have learned from it, doing this, everyday has improved my self talk and helped me get up and WANT to get better.

Lets be honest folks, up until the last 6 months I have wanted to lose this battle with my health. The pain was unbearable. For all the folks that asked me how I survived what I have been through, the honest answer is I don't know, because I did everything in my power NOT to survive it. I quit being active and excited about life, I fed my pain and numbed it with calories, sugar and fat to silence my aching heart and self hatred.

Hey I still do some of these very abusive things, I get sad or scared or overwhelmed and I eat until it goes away. Here is the thing about burying your feelings with food or drugs or booze, THE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE! Doesn't matter how deep you bury them with addiction, all those feelings are there and getting harder and harder to bury. I have buried mine in 145lbs of "fluff" and only now because I am allowing my feelings out am I heading towards a better future. Everyday I address my insecurities and my fears and I explain them to myself. Only when my mind gets wrapped around the why, will I truly be free.

Last weekend, I had to talk to my ex for the first time in months. He wanted to finally take out daughter out and I fully encouraged this. She had other ideas, she is so angry with him for having nothing to do with her for the last 2 years that she has now quit.

I got on the phone with him to try and explain how she is feeling and he, my abuser, said that I only have myself to blame for her being a rebellious and angry teenager. I taught her that and I have to live with it.

For the first time in my life, that didn't hurt me or upset me because it was so untrue, it didn't even hit my radar. I simply said to "He who has no shadow", "that isn't true, maybe what has happened in this divorce is partially my fault, however I will no longer that full blame for the pain my children have suffered. He was mostly silent due to being at work, and having to keep his "image". However, I feel it's a victory, for me. He can't scare me into self hatred anymore. I refuse to allow it, because...

I don't hate me anymore.