The Letter I am to chicken to send

Dear G,

Just the other day it has been 21 years that we have been in each others lives. Beats me how I know that, but that date just seems to stick.

To mark this occasion I have chosen to give you a gift. The gift of your daughter. G, this little girl needs her dad. She is sad without you, and because I love her so much I want you both to be close again.

I don't want this to be an accusing letter. I don't want to make you defensive I just want you to know her side of what has happened.

Two years ago, she decided she wanted to live with me again. She had her reasons, some valid some not valid, ALL valid to her. Whenever she brought it up to you, you would say unkind things about me, tell her how miserable she would be with me and dismissed her. Our daughter is not someone you can dismiss. She is free spirited, stubborn and determined, quite similar to her mom. She acted out at home because she was demanding you hear her. Perhaps she made you angry, perhaps the way she dealt with things wasn't perfect but she was a 12-year-old girl that was changing and developing and she needed her mom. As much as you would like it to be so, N  is not those children's mother, I am. Her place is not to raise our children, that is yours and mine. The problems you have with your children, is due to the fact that you tried to replace their mother. ANY child would rebel against that. I would. You would. Anyone would. They love me. They should love me, I am deserving of love from my children. No one has the right to take that freedom from them. When our daughter felt you were taking that freedom she asked to leave, she yelled, screamed and fought to be with her mother. Nicole had had enough and dropped her off at my place. I called you and said to give her some time with me and we will all sit down and talk this out. The next day, N, dropped off all of our daughter's things, without a word to her. You never said a word to her. You let another woman decide the fate of your child and that is wrong. YOU are her father and if YOU can't handle her than WE decide where she lives and what is best for her. Sure N has some say because that is her home too but both of you CHOSE to TAKE those kids and they aren't something you can just get rid of when it gets to hard.

At this point in our lives lets just be really honest. If you can't be, then there will never be a relationship with your daughter. You HONESTLY have only spoken to her 5 times in the two years. You HONESTLY have only had her over to your place 3 times in the past two years, You HONESTLY didn't call her on her birthday even though you told her siblings otherwise, that is false because I have call display and voicemail  and she and you both have facebook and no matter what, there is a way to contact your daughter. You told the kids that you have come to the house to hangout with her, and she was too busy with friends and snubbed you. That is a lie. I asked her and she said that has never happened. EVEN if it did happen, SHE is the child and you are the adult and father and you have to keep trying. She feels betrayed by you. Maybe you don't see it that way, but that doesn't make it wrong. You never talked to her after you let Nicole kick her out, so she doesn't feel wanted in your home. She doesn't call over there because N hurt her and she dislikes her and that seems reasonable to me. G, just because you chose N as your wife, doesn't mean that these kids chose her for their mother. They had one. They HAVE one. To be your wife is one thing, and she was welcome to be that, but you both crossed the line when you gave her the role of mother.

What we now have is a total mess. I know it can be fixed. Anything can be fixed if you want it bad enough. You must miss our daughter, she cries and misses you...so much. She told me she wishes you loved her more than N, she wishes that you loved her at all. I know you do. I know you love our child, and I also know that parents screw up. I have made my fair share of mistakes. So the mistakes you have made are forgivable. The mistakes our daughter has made are forgivable. Both of you have to forgive each other, and then the healing can begin. Know that she has boundaries with N, and please slowly help her get past them. Respect that she is hurt, and be the first one to reach out and say ENOUGH, I want my daughter back and I am willing to meet her half way, all the way, if I have to. G, you are the only one that can fix this. You made a mistake that hurt her, and only you can own it and fix it. I have fixed most of the things I have broken. I couldn't fix the war between us, mostly because I wasn't the only one that broke it. I regret that, but sometimes forgiving yourself is good enough.

Help your daughter be happy again. Help her feel safe and loved and important to you. She may make you work for her trust back, she may be difficult and stubborn and free-spirited but....

She is worth it.

Once your best friend. Now your ex.
Always,

Me

No idea why I can't send this letter. I guess I am afraid he will respond and hurt me with his hate and his fear and his anger. I know if I got a letter like this I would respond with some anger, but I know I would also hear that my child needs me. G and I have become mortal enemies. I'v had to stop talking to him all together so I could have some peace in my life. This would be the first time I have communicated to him in over a year. It was quite painful to hear his opinion of me. I guess some of it is the truth I don't want to face, some of it is anger that I don't want to face and some of it is our history that I don't want to face.

The casuality of our war has only been the children. I wish that he and I could have made it easy for them. It started off with us being great friends and with everyone really happy and then it changed. We put our kids in the middle of a battle of who was more right and in the end, neither of us were right.

People have asked me if I could change one thing in my life, what would I change? My answer is this; I wouldn't have let our kids pay for their parent’s anger and mistakes. They deserved parents who would love and respect each other for what they are. A Mother. A Father. Deserving of respect, love and friendship.

Our children deserved that.

 WE deserved that too.