I'm not there yet.

Last night was an epic moment for me. I was auditioning for a huge convention that would be filled with thousands of people, full of people in the industry. I wrote my heart out. My routine was down pat. I had flow and I had some amazingly funny stuff. I had practiced and practiced; I was calm and ready to do it.

Then I failed.

What I haven't explained on here yet, is the I AM FUNNY part of me. I am actually very funny, naturally. I see the humor in all most everything. I can capture my audience with my wit and animated gestures and I never have a hard time being alive with laughter. The only problem with that is, I use humor to hide my sadness. If I feel uncomfortable in a situation I will strike up my humor and divert focus away from sad, broken me and give it to happy, funny me. Happy funny me can keep people at bay and keep me away from having to feel anything. Feeling anything is the single most fear that I have. If I allow my feelings to come through I am not sure I will be able to reign it all in again.

In this last few months during my journey of self-discovery, I have been feeling way too much. Facing my fears has been actually physically painful. My health has taken a sudden and steep decline, my energy has been depleted to a small hum, and my emotions are out of control. I have been trying to monitor my health by going to a naturopath for B12 shots just to keep me functioning at a very small level. Every night I get home, make supper and while everyone is eating; I lie down and sleep for a few hours. I wake in time to put people to bed and then go back to sleep. I know I have to lose weight to survive but I don't have any energy to spend on working out or shopping for healthy choices or anything. My blood sugars are wild right now. My blood pressure is through the roof and my oxygen isn't enough so I have to get a tank. SIGH.

I know that facing all this is healthy for me, to accept all that I have lost and get to a place where I accept what I cannot change. However, I think I am taking on too much. I have to lose weight, I have to heal from my past, I have to get on a comedy stage, I have to start living in the moment and get out of the past, I have a family I have to raise, I have ex's I have to do battle with, I have friends that need me, I have health problems that need constant monitoring and most importantly I have a life I want to live for.

Last night.

I was in line for my turn to audition. My heart was going a thousand miles an hour. I was doing deep breathing to calm myself.
I was next.

At those stairs leading towards my future, I decide to think about Jason and how proud he would be of me, and then suddenly, everything changed. I crumbled. All those 13 years of grief and sadness and pain that I have hidden inside me came out full force. I excused myself and left the auditorium, where I shook and cried and felt so much.

I got home somehow and went up to my room and lay down on my bed and cried. I was overwhelmed with my sadness, my fears, and my past. Jon came up and held me while I cried. He listened to my fears he held me to his heart and he rocked me like a child. I was hysterical. Jon knew what to do. He got the phone and called Wendy.
When Wendy answered, I started to freak out. "I failed Wendy, I freaking failed again. I should be used to it by now but I'm not. All those people that love and believe in me, I let everyone down. I am an epic failure. Why can't I do this!! Why can't I get my life together? Why can't be happy and move on and freaking make something of myself! WHY WEN WHY!!??"

"Listen to me" Wendy said, "You didn't fail. You can't fail. Your growing so much, your working on yourself, your facing your fears and addressing your loss, you can never call that a fail Raquel."



"What if I can't get on that stage again Wendy? What if I can never use my humor on stage again? Will that be ok too? Will I be ok?"
Wendy paused for only a second before she said, "Raquel you are so much more than funny. Although your humor is a great part of you, it's not all of you. I love the times when your not funny just as much. I love that you listen to me, you cheer for me though life and you have no idea how powerful you are by just being flawed and sharing it. That's braver than me, it's braver than most of us. All those people that are cheering you on just want you to be happy, if you can't get on that stage, there are other venues that you can use your humor, your passion and your gift, you can go on radio, you can use your amazing talent to write, Raquel your talent isn't just person to person funny, it's so much more."

I admit I really stopped listening when Wendy said I was much more than funny.

Am I more than just funny? Are all of you out there cheering me on because you see more than my funny?

I really hope I didn't disappoint anyone with my epic fail. I know I disappointed myself a lot. I thought I was ready for this, but I guess I'm not yet, or maybe even ever, but knowing that I am more than funny, is encouraging.

Gives me something to build on.

Getting onto that stage isn't just about being funny. It isn't about making people laugh, it's not about me being funny enough or brave enough to stand in front of people and be fantastic. That stage represents my acceptance of my pain and my willingness to move on and be happy, complete and well. It represents moving on with a life without Jason, without Mom, without half of me.
I'm not there yet.