As I stumble through this life,
Help me to create more laughter than tears,
dispense more cheer than gloom,
spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me become so indifferent,
that I will fail to see the wonders in the eyes of a child,
or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people,
make them happy, and forget momentarily,
all the unpleasantness in their lives.
And in my final moment,
may I hear You whisper:
"When you made My people smile,
you made Me smile."
...Anonymous
Love it!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Dream
Last night I had the most amazing dream. I was camping with my family in the beautiful mountains.
My mom was sitting on a lawn chair rocking and cuddling my youngest daughter by the campfire; Jason was kicking a soccer ball around with Boo and Trevor. Amanda was roasting marshmallows with Jon. Dad was blowing a burning one for Emilee. Melanie was digging in the cooler with me for a hotdog to cook. There was music and laughter and everyone was so happy.
Suddenly a big wind came in and started blowing things around, there was chaos and rain. A storm.
I had crawled into a tent with Mel and we watched the storm with amazement. Mel looked at me and said, "Are you ready for the huge clean up after that?" I looked out at the puddles and the wrappers blown all around and wet clothes and chairs and said " Not really, but will I have a choice" We continued waiting for the storm to pass, wondering where the others went to wait it out.
Just as suddenly as the storm came, it left. The sun was bright and warm and the birds were excited and chirpy. I crawled out with Melanie and she ran ahead towards the campfire. I stood motionless at the entrance to my tent.
Before me, were Trevor and Mike and Boo picking up blown wrappers, Erin and Kelly and Holly drying off the coolers and getting stuff for supper. Theresa was rocking and carrying Tiny, showing her the puddles. My dad was hanging wet clothes with Amanda. My Aunty Marge, Michelle, Roxanne and Chantelle were working on putting sweaters on all the kids and Em was getting a hug from Dianne. Jon was starting the fire. There were husbands getting wood, kids running around, the sun was warm and the air smelled sweet.
At first, I was searching for the people that were gone. And where the hell is Wendy?!!
"I'm beside you" she said.
"Oh hey, what the hell is going on?"
"They are cleaning up after the storm"
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Making sure you don't run back into that tent." Wendy replied.
"I kinda don't want to." I smiled. "It's beautiful out here."
"They’re making it beautiful again. So will you. So will I."
“Good because it used to be perfect.” I said.
“ Look around Raquel, its perfect now too.”
I heard the laughter. I felt the sun. I smelled the fresh earth and new beginning. I looked and saw my family, my new family.
I looked over at Wendy and took her hand.
And started picking things up together.
My mom was sitting on a lawn chair rocking and cuddling my youngest daughter by the campfire; Jason was kicking a soccer ball around with Boo and Trevor. Amanda was roasting marshmallows with Jon. Dad was blowing a burning one for Emilee. Melanie was digging in the cooler with me for a hotdog to cook. There was music and laughter and everyone was so happy.
Suddenly a big wind came in and started blowing things around, there was chaos and rain. A storm.
I had crawled into a tent with Mel and we watched the storm with amazement. Mel looked at me and said, "Are you ready for the huge clean up after that?" I looked out at the puddles and the wrappers blown all around and wet clothes and chairs and said " Not really, but will I have a choice" We continued waiting for the storm to pass, wondering where the others went to wait it out.
Just as suddenly as the storm came, it left. The sun was bright and warm and the birds were excited and chirpy. I crawled out with Melanie and she ran ahead towards the campfire. I stood motionless at the entrance to my tent.
Before me, were Trevor and Mike and Boo picking up blown wrappers, Erin and Kelly and Holly drying off the coolers and getting stuff for supper. Theresa was rocking and carrying Tiny, showing her the puddles. My dad was hanging wet clothes with Amanda. My Aunty Marge, Michelle, Roxanne and Chantelle were working on putting sweaters on all the kids and Em was getting a hug from Dianne. Jon was starting the fire. There were husbands getting wood, kids running around, the sun was warm and the air smelled sweet.
At first, I was searching for the people that were gone. And where the hell is Wendy?!!
"I'm beside you" she said.
"Oh hey, what the hell is going on?"
"They are cleaning up after the storm"
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Making sure you don't run back into that tent." Wendy replied.
"I kinda don't want to." I smiled. "It's beautiful out here."
"They’re making it beautiful again. So will you. So will I."
“Good because it used to be perfect.” I said.
“ Look around Raquel, its perfect now too.”
I heard the laughter. I felt the sun. I smelled the fresh earth and new beginning. I looked and saw my family, my new family.
I looked over at Wendy and took her hand.
And started picking things up together.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Letter I am to chicken to send
Dear G,
Just the other day it has been 21 years that we have been in each others lives. Beats me how I know that, but that date just seems to stick.
To mark this occasion I have chosen to give you a gift. The gift of your daughter. G, this little girl needs her dad. She is sad without you, and because I love her so much I want you both to be close again.
I don't want this to be an accusing letter. I don't want to make you defensive I just want you to know her side of what has happened.
Two years ago, she decided she wanted to live with me again. She had her reasons, some valid some not valid, ALL valid to her. Whenever she brought it up to you, you would say unkind things about me, tell her how miserable she would be with me and dismissed her. Our daughter is not someone you can dismiss. She is free spirited, stubborn and determined, quite similar to her mom. She acted out at home because she was demanding you hear her. Perhaps she made you angry, perhaps the way she dealt with things wasn't perfect but she was a 12-year-old girl that was changing and developing and she needed her mom. As much as you would like it to be so, N is not those children's mother, I am. Her place is not to raise our children, that is yours and mine. The problems you have with your children, is due to the fact that you tried to replace their mother. ANY child would rebel against that. I would. You would. Anyone would. They love me. They should love me, I am deserving of love from my children. No one has the right to take that freedom from them. When our daughter felt you were taking that freedom she asked to leave, she yelled, screamed and fought to be with her mother. Nicole had had enough and dropped her off at my place. I called you and said to give her some time with me and we will all sit down and talk this out. The next day, N, dropped off all of our daughter's things, without a word to her. You never said a word to her. You let another woman decide the fate of your child and that is wrong. YOU are her father and if YOU can't handle her than WE decide where she lives and what is best for her. Sure N has some say because that is her home too but both of you CHOSE to TAKE those kids and they aren't something you can just get rid of when it gets to hard.
At this point in our lives lets just be really honest. If you can't be, then there will never be a relationship with your daughter. You HONESTLY have only spoken to her 5 times in the two years. You HONESTLY have only had her over to your place 3 times in the past two years, You HONESTLY didn't call her on her birthday even though you told her siblings otherwise, that is false because I have call display and voicemail and she and you both have facebook and no matter what, there is a way to contact your daughter. You told the kids that you have come to the house to hangout with her, and she was too busy with friends and snubbed you. That is a lie. I asked her and she said that has never happened. EVEN if it did happen, SHE is the child and you are the adult and father and you have to keep trying. She feels betrayed by you. Maybe you don't see it that way, but that doesn't make it wrong. You never talked to her after you let Nicole kick her out, so she doesn't feel wanted in your home. She doesn't call over there because N hurt her and she dislikes her and that seems reasonable to me. G, just because you chose N as your wife, doesn't mean that these kids chose her for their mother. They had one. They HAVE one. To be your wife is one thing, and she was welcome to be that, but you both crossed the line when you gave her the role of mother.
What we now have is a total mess. I know it can be fixed. Anything can be fixed if you want it bad enough. You must miss our daughter, she cries and misses you...so much. She told me she wishes you loved her more than N, she wishes that you loved her at all. I know you do. I know you love our child, and I also know that parents screw up. I have made my fair share of mistakes. So the mistakes you have made are forgivable. The mistakes our daughter has made are forgivable. Both of you have to forgive each other, and then the healing can begin. Know that she has boundaries with N, and please slowly help her get past them. Respect that she is hurt, and be the first one to reach out and say ENOUGH, I want my daughter back and I am willing to meet her half way, all the way, if I have to. G, you are the only one that can fix this. You made a mistake that hurt her, and only you can own it and fix it. I have fixed most of the things I have broken. I couldn't fix the war between us, mostly because I wasn't the only one that broke it. I regret that, but sometimes forgiving yourself is good enough.
Help your daughter be happy again. Help her feel safe and loved and important to you. She may make you work for her trust back, she may be difficult and stubborn and free-spirited but....
She is worth it.
Once your best friend. Now your ex.
Always,
Me
No idea why I can't send this letter. I guess I am afraid he will respond and hurt me with his hate and his fear and his anger. I know if I got a letter like this I would respond with some anger, but I know I would also hear that my child needs me. G and I have become mortal enemies. I'v had to stop talking to him all together so I could have some peace in my life. This would be the first time I have communicated to him in over a year. It was quite painful to hear his opinion of me. I guess some of it is the truth I don't want to face, some of it is anger that I don't want to face and some of it is our history that I don't want to face.
The casuality of our war has only been the children. I wish that he and I could have made it easy for them. It started off with us being great friends and with everyone really happy and then it changed. We put our kids in the middle of a battle of who was more right and in the end, neither of us were right.
People have asked me if I could change one thing in my life, what would I change? My answer is this; I wouldn't have let our kids pay for their parent’s anger and mistakes. They deserved parents who would love and respect each other for what they are. A Mother. A Father. Deserving of respect, love and friendship.
Our children deserved that.
WE deserved that too.
Just the other day it has been 21 years that we have been in each others lives. Beats me how I know that, but that date just seems to stick.
To mark this occasion I have chosen to give you a gift. The gift of your daughter. G, this little girl needs her dad. She is sad without you, and because I love her so much I want you both to be close again.
I don't want this to be an accusing letter. I don't want to make you defensive I just want you to know her side of what has happened.
Two years ago, she decided she wanted to live with me again. She had her reasons, some valid some not valid, ALL valid to her. Whenever she brought it up to you, you would say unkind things about me, tell her how miserable she would be with me and dismissed her. Our daughter is not someone you can dismiss. She is free spirited, stubborn and determined, quite similar to her mom. She acted out at home because she was demanding you hear her. Perhaps she made you angry, perhaps the way she dealt with things wasn't perfect but she was a 12-year-old girl that was changing and developing and she needed her mom. As much as you would like it to be so, N is not those children's mother, I am. Her place is not to raise our children, that is yours and mine. The problems you have with your children, is due to the fact that you tried to replace their mother. ANY child would rebel against that. I would. You would. Anyone would. They love me. They should love me, I am deserving of love from my children. No one has the right to take that freedom from them. When our daughter felt you were taking that freedom she asked to leave, she yelled, screamed and fought to be with her mother. Nicole had had enough and dropped her off at my place. I called you and said to give her some time with me and we will all sit down and talk this out. The next day, N, dropped off all of our daughter's things, without a word to her. You never said a word to her. You let another woman decide the fate of your child and that is wrong. YOU are her father and if YOU can't handle her than WE decide where she lives and what is best for her. Sure N has some say because that is her home too but both of you CHOSE to TAKE those kids and they aren't something you can just get rid of when it gets to hard.
At this point in our lives lets just be really honest. If you can't be, then there will never be a relationship with your daughter. You HONESTLY have only spoken to her 5 times in the two years. You HONESTLY have only had her over to your place 3 times in the past two years, You HONESTLY didn't call her on her birthday even though you told her siblings otherwise, that is false because I have call display and voicemail and she and you both have facebook and no matter what, there is a way to contact your daughter. You told the kids that you have come to the house to hangout with her, and she was too busy with friends and snubbed you. That is a lie. I asked her and she said that has never happened. EVEN if it did happen, SHE is the child and you are the adult and father and you have to keep trying. She feels betrayed by you. Maybe you don't see it that way, but that doesn't make it wrong. You never talked to her after you let Nicole kick her out, so she doesn't feel wanted in your home. She doesn't call over there because N hurt her and she dislikes her and that seems reasonable to me. G, just because you chose N as your wife, doesn't mean that these kids chose her for their mother. They had one. They HAVE one. To be your wife is one thing, and she was welcome to be that, but you both crossed the line when you gave her the role of mother.
What we now have is a total mess. I know it can be fixed. Anything can be fixed if you want it bad enough. You must miss our daughter, she cries and misses you...so much. She told me she wishes you loved her more than N, she wishes that you loved her at all. I know you do. I know you love our child, and I also know that parents screw up. I have made my fair share of mistakes. So the mistakes you have made are forgivable. The mistakes our daughter has made are forgivable. Both of you have to forgive each other, and then the healing can begin. Know that she has boundaries with N, and please slowly help her get past them. Respect that she is hurt, and be the first one to reach out and say ENOUGH, I want my daughter back and I am willing to meet her half way, all the way, if I have to. G, you are the only one that can fix this. You made a mistake that hurt her, and only you can own it and fix it. I have fixed most of the things I have broken. I couldn't fix the war between us, mostly because I wasn't the only one that broke it. I regret that, but sometimes forgiving yourself is good enough.
Help your daughter be happy again. Help her feel safe and loved and important to you. She may make you work for her trust back, she may be difficult and stubborn and free-spirited but....
She is worth it.
Once your best friend. Now your ex.
Always,
Me
No idea why I can't send this letter. I guess I am afraid he will respond and hurt me with his hate and his fear and his anger. I know if I got a letter like this I would respond with some anger, but I know I would also hear that my child needs me. G and I have become mortal enemies. I'v had to stop talking to him all together so I could have some peace in my life. This would be the first time I have communicated to him in over a year. It was quite painful to hear his opinion of me. I guess some of it is the truth I don't want to face, some of it is anger that I don't want to face and some of it is our history that I don't want to face.
The casuality of our war has only been the children. I wish that he and I could have made it easy for them. It started off with us being great friends and with everyone really happy and then it changed. We put our kids in the middle of a battle of who was more right and in the end, neither of us were right.
People have asked me if I could change one thing in my life, what would I change? My answer is this; I wouldn't have let our kids pay for their parent’s anger and mistakes. They deserved parents who would love and respect each other for what they are. A Mother. A Father. Deserving of respect, love and friendship.
Our children deserved that.
WE deserved that too.
Friendship
So this weekend was the first meeting for the volunteers of Calgary Funny Festival. I decided to volunteer because I have to start handshaking again in the industry if I ever want to be part of it. I asked a few of my friends to come along and the response was so supportive.
I haven't mentioned my two friends Mike and Erin. I met Erin with I was working retail and knew She and I would become great friends. She is witty and sweet and let me tell you, if you don't have a friend that is a schoolteacher, GET ONE. They are organized and thoughtful and very very clever with a glue gun and scissors. When there is a task to be done, I can always count on Erin to come through. Mike is her amazing and wonderful husband. He has shown me over and over again that love is patient, love is kind and love knows no limits. The love Mike and Erin have is like a fairytale that's believable. I love them both.
Well on Saturday they decided to volunteer with me for the Funny festival. We got up in the morning, I met them at their house and we drove to the location to meet. It was quite shocking. The place was kind of run down, it was stinky and really...crappy. I looked over to my friends to see the reactions and I could see confusion on Erin's face and Mike was going down memory lane from his College days. LOL. I decided to stay positive. I was hoping that Funny Festival would be a great experience that would give me some time with some great talent and help me "brave up" for comedy. I think it did the opposite. I felt that I would be taking a step backwards into a bunch of starving talents that drink and party to compensate for just sucking. It was very unorganized for a 10th year of a festival. I could almost hear Erin concocting a list of things to improve the chaos of everything. The director of the festival was a total ass. He treated the volunteers like crap, he was arrogant, he was not funny and he was NOT what a director should be which is talented. I know. Harsh right?
Erin, Mike and I continued on the tour of the venues. Some of the venues were beautiful and I could see a very good show coming from them. Some of the venues I wouldn't send a dog to. ICK. We signed up for a couple jobs got our free t-shirt and peaced that place as soon as we could. Mike will be the Talent Liaison, Erin will be Front of House, which is cash handling, and ticket sales and I will be a runner or a 50/50 sales girl. We are working the same venues and the same times, other wise we would have just left the venue tour and never seen these people again. I know our venues will run as smoothly as possible because we are all leaders and will just pony up. I also have a bunch of other friends that will be helping as well.
The thing I learned in this whole experience is this; my friends believe in me so much they are willing to step into a hellhole for me. They are willing to do something that kinda sucks, will take their time and energy and love and invest it in me. I am truly humbled by that. I wish friends like these for everyone, someone that will take a risk with you and not really care if there is an outcome. Maybe I might not get on a stage, maybe I won't use my talent, maybe I will just be me, and to these friends...that is good enough.
Funny Festival here we come.
I haven't mentioned my two friends Mike and Erin. I met Erin with I was working retail and knew She and I would become great friends. She is witty and sweet and let me tell you, if you don't have a friend that is a schoolteacher, GET ONE. They are organized and thoughtful and very very clever with a glue gun and scissors. When there is a task to be done, I can always count on Erin to come through. Mike is her amazing and wonderful husband. He has shown me over and over again that love is patient, love is kind and love knows no limits. The love Mike and Erin have is like a fairytale that's believable. I love them both.
Well on Saturday they decided to volunteer with me for the Funny festival. We got up in the morning, I met them at their house and we drove to the location to meet. It was quite shocking. The place was kind of run down, it was stinky and really...crappy. I looked over to my friends to see the reactions and I could see confusion on Erin's face and Mike was going down memory lane from his College days. LOL. I decided to stay positive. I was hoping that Funny Festival would be a great experience that would give me some time with some great talent and help me "brave up" for comedy. I think it did the opposite. I felt that I would be taking a step backwards into a bunch of starving talents that drink and party to compensate for just sucking. It was very unorganized for a 10th year of a festival. I could almost hear Erin concocting a list of things to improve the chaos of everything. The director of the festival was a total ass. He treated the volunteers like crap, he was arrogant, he was not funny and he was NOT what a director should be which is talented. I know. Harsh right?
Erin, Mike and I continued on the tour of the venues. Some of the venues were beautiful and I could see a very good show coming from them. Some of the venues I wouldn't send a dog to. ICK. We signed up for a couple jobs got our free t-shirt and peaced that place as soon as we could. Mike will be the Talent Liaison, Erin will be Front of House, which is cash handling, and ticket sales and I will be a runner or a 50/50 sales girl. We are working the same venues and the same times, other wise we would have just left the venue tour and never seen these people again. I know our venues will run as smoothly as possible because we are all leaders and will just pony up. I also have a bunch of other friends that will be helping as well.
The thing I learned in this whole experience is this; my friends believe in me so much they are willing to step into a hellhole for me. They are willing to do something that kinda sucks, will take their time and energy and love and invest it in me. I am truly humbled by that. I wish friends like these for everyone, someone that will take a risk with you and not really care if there is an outcome. Maybe I might not get on a stage, maybe I won't use my talent, maybe I will just be me, and to these friends...that is good enough.
Funny Festival here we come.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Gym and I
Gym and I have decided to end out 5-month break. Gym and I broke up on Nov. 11th and I haven't been able to visit him since. We broke up for good reasons, but in the end I realized that he does more good for me than bad. Although he makes me hostile and angry when I don't get the results I want, he does make me feel good. The only problem is he wants a long-term relationship and I am the non-commitment type of girl.
Today I will be going to the Gym. I will take baby steps. I have to learn that baby steps aren't so bad. I don't need to see great results after one day at the gym, I don't need to go hardcore, and I don't need to prove anything to others or myself. I am there because I need to love my body again and this body deserves the right to live healthy.
Here is some perspective, I was given a gift of a beautiful, healthy and able body, many in this world weren't, and yet they love their body every way they can. I owe it to this body to make it healthy again. It allowed me to self inflict hatred towards myself, it has allowed me to be spoiled and selfish, it let me cushion my fall. Now I owe it to my body and to myself to feel healthy, to be healthy and to finally close that chapter of my life.
I may hate the gym, I know I will eventually love it again, I may hate watching everything I eat, but I will grasp that and make it work, I will take ownership of my life and quit trying to slowly kill myself with food, laziness and self hatred.
I deserve better than that.
So Gym we are back on, I will try and fall in love with you and start planning a life-time commitment with you. I will be grateful for what you bring to me, and I will try not to see too many of your faults.
We are in this for the long run.
Today I will be going to the Gym. I will take baby steps. I have to learn that baby steps aren't so bad. I don't need to see great results after one day at the gym, I don't need to go hardcore, and I don't need to prove anything to others or myself. I am there because I need to love my body again and this body deserves the right to live healthy.
Here is some perspective, I was given a gift of a beautiful, healthy and able body, many in this world weren't, and yet they love their body every way they can. I owe it to this body to make it healthy again. It allowed me to self inflict hatred towards myself, it has allowed me to be spoiled and selfish, it let me cushion my fall. Now I owe it to my body and to myself to feel healthy, to be healthy and to finally close that chapter of my life.
I may hate the gym, I know I will eventually love it again, I may hate watching everything I eat, but I will grasp that and make it work, I will take ownership of my life and quit trying to slowly kill myself with food, laziness and self hatred.
I deserve better than that.
So Gym we are back on, I will try and fall in love with you and start planning a life-time commitment with you. I will be grateful for what you bring to me, and I will try not to see too many of your faults.
We are in this for the long run.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Be Thankful
It's always easier to see what you don't have, than to see the gifts you have, and admire them.
During what I call my epic fail, I came to realize something. I have SO much already, that it's ok if I don't add to it. Sure I have to add health and contentment into the mix but I already have way more than I have ever had.
So today folks I am thankful. Not just today but every day I will wake up in the morning and think of these things. This is in no particular order.
I am thankful for my children, they are my legacy, I will carry on through my children who, like me, are good people with warm hearts and brilliant minds. With them my fear of being alone with never be realized. They keep me happy and positive about our future. They have saved me in so many ways.
I am thankful for my parents. I was raised with love and guidance and with this enormous capacity to keep standing and believing. They weathered through some amazing storms with me, together. Strong. I am thankful they gave me my resilience and great capacity to love and be loved. They believed in me the best they could and because of that, I didn't, I couldn't, fall apart and quit. They never did. They lead by example.
I am thankful for Jon. He came into this calamity and just emerged himself into the chaos and brought some peace. He had weathered his fair share of storms with me, and has proven time and time again that he is a rock strong enough to hold my family and me together.
I am thankful for my friends. They unknowingly had to audition for the role of my friend and they all passed it with flying colors. I am not always easy to befriend and I can really put up a stink when I feel threatened but somehow they have all stayed close and loved me in spite of me. I am now brave enough to try and reach for my dreams and goals because I know that I have the safety of their support, their love, their patience and most importantly their amazing ability to sing my life song to me when I forget the words. Some of them have know me most of my life and others have just met me but they, somehow know me well enough to pick me up, dust me off and send me back in for another round. I thank everyone reading this for loving me enough to share this journey with me. I will never forget this love and devotion.
I am thankful for Jason and Melanie. Perhaps I didn't get to know my sister very well, I was only 3 when we lost her but she impacted our family. My mom held me and Jason closer, loved us deeper because she knew that life is temporary. My dad, because of Melanie, learned to be the rock of the family, pulling us away from the pain and moving towards the future, leaving Lethbridge and starting over and new in Calgary. I think that saved my mom. I think that saved us all. Of course I am thankful for Jason. I was blessed to have him in my life, and although getting back on track without him has been difficult, I know I am a better person because I had him and lost him, it made me learn empathy, it made me learn strength and it made me love everyone better, because like my mom, I understand everyone is temporary. Including me.
I am thankful for my body; a little battered a little damaged and needing some repair, it has kept me afloat during some great storms, a few hurricanes and a couple tidal waves. My heart, for loving so many, for breaking and loving again. My soul, for staying with God and believing when I couldn't.
And last but not least, thanks Wendy for telling me I have so much to be thankful for. Thanks for reminding over and over how far I have come. Thanks for holding my hand while I climbed out of the bottom and thanks for reminding me I am not there anymore.
I think everyone should do this. I feel so content, with what I have now.
Everything I NEED is right here.
I am thankful for that.
During what I call my epic fail, I came to realize something. I have SO much already, that it's ok if I don't add to it. Sure I have to add health and contentment into the mix but I already have way more than I have ever had.
So today folks I am thankful. Not just today but every day I will wake up in the morning and think of these things. This is in no particular order.
I am thankful for my children, they are my legacy, I will carry on through my children who, like me, are good people with warm hearts and brilliant minds. With them my fear of being alone with never be realized. They keep me happy and positive about our future. They have saved me in so many ways.
I am thankful for my parents. I was raised with love and guidance and with this enormous capacity to keep standing and believing. They weathered through some amazing storms with me, together. Strong. I am thankful they gave me my resilience and great capacity to love and be loved. They believed in me the best they could and because of that, I didn't, I couldn't, fall apart and quit. They never did. They lead by example.
I am thankful for Jon. He came into this calamity and just emerged himself into the chaos and brought some peace. He had weathered his fair share of storms with me, and has proven time and time again that he is a rock strong enough to hold my family and me together.
I am thankful for my friends. They unknowingly had to audition for the role of my friend and they all passed it with flying colors. I am not always easy to befriend and I can really put up a stink when I feel threatened but somehow they have all stayed close and loved me in spite of me. I am now brave enough to try and reach for my dreams and goals because I know that I have the safety of their support, their love, their patience and most importantly their amazing ability to sing my life song to me when I forget the words. Some of them have know me most of my life and others have just met me but they, somehow know me well enough to pick me up, dust me off and send me back in for another round. I thank everyone reading this for loving me enough to share this journey with me. I will never forget this love and devotion.
I am thankful for Jason and Melanie. Perhaps I didn't get to know my sister very well, I was only 3 when we lost her but she impacted our family. My mom held me and Jason closer, loved us deeper because she knew that life is temporary. My dad, because of Melanie, learned to be the rock of the family, pulling us away from the pain and moving towards the future, leaving Lethbridge and starting over and new in Calgary. I think that saved my mom. I think that saved us all. Of course I am thankful for Jason. I was blessed to have him in my life, and although getting back on track without him has been difficult, I know I am a better person because I had him and lost him, it made me learn empathy, it made me learn strength and it made me love everyone better, because like my mom, I understand everyone is temporary. Including me.
I am thankful for my body; a little battered a little damaged and needing some repair, it has kept me afloat during some great storms, a few hurricanes and a couple tidal waves. My heart, for loving so many, for breaking and loving again. My soul, for staying with God and believing when I couldn't.
And last but not least, thanks Wendy for telling me I have so much to be thankful for. Thanks for reminding over and over how far I have come. Thanks for holding my hand while I climbed out of the bottom and thanks for reminding me I am not there anymore.
I think everyone should do this. I feel so content, with what I have now.
Everything I NEED is right here.
I am thankful for that.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
20 Things I have accomplished.
My friend Dianne told me to write down 20 things I have accomplished. Getting me today after my epic failure makes it twice as hard but here I go.
1. I raised 6 beautiful kids. They are respectful, loving and successful. They have empathy and loyalty and they are here for me forever.
2. I found and fell in love with Jon. I have also learned to appreciate him now.
3. I learned how to be a good friend. They can count on me and I also learned I can count on them.
4. I have a better relationship with my dad, I put the olive branch out first, and I have never regretted it.
5. I was a single mother and I did it the best I could.
6. I survived a horrible divorce, custody battle and alienation of my kids and turned it around where I have most of my kids back and they are happy, healthy and wonderful.
7. I was a teen parent and didn't let that give me an excuse to slack off and screw up. I took it seriously.
8. I finished my education, by myself without help from anyone. I made it important to me and I did it.
9. I work full-time at a job I worked hard to get.
10. I have entertained people most of my life.
11. I have survived abuse.
12 I have survived losing my brother.
13. I have survived losing my mother.
14. I have survived losing my sister.
15. I have survived losing my kids.
16. I have survived being alone in difficult situations.
17. I have written some amazing things on this blog that I am proud of.
18. I love people with my whole soul even though having people that close brings me fear.
19. I have kept a plant alive.
20. I have survived.
1. I raised 6 beautiful kids. They are respectful, loving and successful. They have empathy and loyalty and they are here for me forever.
2. I found and fell in love with Jon. I have also learned to appreciate him now.
3. I learned how to be a good friend. They can count on me and I also learned I can count on them.
4. I have a better relationship with my dad, I put the olive branch out first, and I have never regretted it.
5. I was a single mother and I did it the best I could.
6. I survived a horrible divorce, custody battle and alienation of my kids and turned it around where I have most of my kids back and they are happy, healthy and wonderful.
7. I was a teen parent and didn't let that give me an excuse to slack off and screw up. I took it seriously.
8. I finished my education, by myself without help from anyone. I made it important to me and I did it.
9. I work full-time at a job I worked hard to get.
10. I have entertained people most of my life.
11. I have survived abuse.
12 I have survived losing my brother.
13. I have survived losing my mother.
14. I have survived losing my sister.
15. I have survived losing my kids.
16. I have survived being alone in difficult situations.
17. I have written some amazing things on this blog that I am proud of.
18. I love people with my whole soul even though having people that close brings me fear.
19. I have kept a plant alive.
20. I have survived.
I'm not there yet.
Last night was an epic moment for me. I was auditioning for a huge convention that would be filled with thousands of people, full of people in the industry. I wrote my heart out. My routine was down pat. I had flow and I had some amazingly funny stuff. I had practiced and practiced; I was calm and ready to do it.
Then I failed.
What I haven't explained on here yet, is the I AM FUNNY part of me. I am actually very funny, naturally. I see the humor in all most everything. I can capture my audience with my wit and animated gestures and I never have a hard time being alive with laughter. The only problem with that is, I use humor to hide my sadness. If I feel uncomfortable in a situation I will strike up my humor and divert focus away from sad, broken me and give it to happy, funny me. Happy funny me can keep people at bay and keep me away from having to feel anything. Feeling anything is the single most fear that I have. If I allow my feelings to come through I am not sure I will be able to reign it all in again.
In this last few months during my journey of self-discovery, I have been feeling way too much. Facing my fears has been actually physically painful. My health has taken a sudden and steep decline, my energy has been depleted to a small hum, and my emotions are out of control. I have been trying to monitor my health by going to a naturopath for B12 shots just to keep me functioning at a very small level. Every night I get home, make supper and while everyone is eating; I lie down and sleep for a few hours. I wake in time to put people to bed and then go back to sleep. I know I have to lose weight to survive but I don't have any energy to spend on working out or shopping for healthy choices or anything. My blood sugars are wild right now. My blood pressure is through the roof and my oxygen isn't enough so I have to get a tank. SIGH.
I know that facing all this is healthy for me, to accept all that I have lost and get to a place where I accept what I cannot change. However, I think I am taking on too much. I have to lose weight, I have to heal from my past, I have to get on a comedy stage, I have to start living in the moment and get out of the past, I have a family I have to raise, I have ex's I have to do battle with, I have friends that need me, I have health problems that need constant monitoring and most importantly I have a life I want to live for.
Last night.
I was in line for my turn to audition. My heart was going a thousand miles an hour. I was doing deep breathing to calm myself.
I was next.
At those stairs leading towards my future, I decide to think about Jason and how proud he would be of me, and then suddenly, everything changed. I crumbled. All those 13 years of grief and sadness and pain that I have hidden inside me came out full force. I excused myself and left the auditorium, where I shook and cried and felt so much.
I got home somehow and went up to my room and lay down on my bed and cried. I was overwhelmed with my sadness, my fears, and my past. Jon came up and held me while I cried. He listened to my fears he held me to his heart and he rocked me like a child. I was hysterical. Jon knew what to do. He got the phone and called Wendy.
When Wendy answered, I started to freak out. "I failed Wendy, I freaking failed again. I should be used to it by now but I'm not. All those people that love and believe in me, I let everyone down. I am an epic failure. Why can't I do this!! Why can't I get my life together? Why can't be happy and move on and freaking make something of myself! WHY WEN WHY!!??"
"Listen to me" Wendy said, "You didn't fail. You can't fail. Your growing so much, your working on yourself, your facing your fears and addressing your loss, you can never call that a fail Raquel."
"What if I can't get on that stage again Wendy? What if I can never use my humor on stage again? Will that be ok too? Will I be ok?"
Wendy paused for only a second before she said, "Raquel you are so much more than funny. Although your humor is a great part of you, it's not all of you. I love the times when your not funny just as much. I love that you listen to me, you cheer for me though life and you have no idea how powerful you are by just being flawed and sharing it. That's braver than me, it's braver than most of us. All those people that are cheering you on just want you to be happy, if you can't get on that stage, there are other venues that you can use your humor, your passion and your gift, you can go on radio, you can use your amazing talent to write, Raquel your talent isn't just person to person funny, it's so much more."
I admit I really stopped listening when Wendy said I was much more than funny.
Am I more than just funny? Are all of you out there cheering me on because you see more than my funny?
I really hope I didn't disappoint anyone with my epic fail. I know I disappointed myself a lot. I thought I was ready for this, but I guess I'm not yet, or maybe even ever, but knowing that I am more than funny, is encouraging.
Gives me something to build on.
Getting onto that stage isn't just about being funny. It isn't about making people laugh, it's not about me being funny enough or brave enough to stand in front of people and be fantastic. That stage represents my acceptance of my pain and my willingness to move on and be happy, complete and well. It represents moving on with a life without Jason, without Mom, without half of me.
I'm not there yet.
Then I failed.
What I haven't explained on here yet, is the I AM FUNNY part of me. I am actually very funny, naturally. I see the humor in all most everything. I can capture my audience with my wit and animated gestures and I never have a hard time being alive with laughter. The only problem with that is, I use humor to hide my sadness. If I feel uncomfortable in a situation I will strike up my humor and divert focus away from sad, broken me and give it to happy, funny me. Happy funny me can keep people at bay and keep me away from having to feel anything. Feeling anything is the single most fear that I have. If I allow my feelings to come through I am not sure I will be able to reign it all in again.
In this last few months during my journey of self-discovery, I have been feeling way too much. Facing my fears has been actually physically painful. My health has taken a sudden and steep decline, my energy has been depleted to a small hum, and my emotions are out of control. I have been trying to monitor my health by going to a naturopath for B12 shots just to keep me functioning at a very small level. Every night I get home, make supper and while everyone is eating; I lie down and sleep for a few hours. I wake in time to put people to bed and then go back to sleep. I know I have to lose weight to survive but I don't have any energy to spend on working out or shopping for healthy choices or anything. My blood sugars are wild right now. My blood pressure is through the roof and my oxygen isn't enough so I have to get a tank. SIGH.
I know that facing all this is healthy for me, to accept all that I have lost and get to a place where I accept what I cannot change. However, I think I am taking on too much. I have to lose weight, I have to heal from my past, I have to get on a comedy stage, I have to start living in the moment and get out of the past, I have a family I have to raise, I have ex's I have to do battle with, I have friends that need me, I have health problems that need constant monitoring and most importantly I have a life I want to live for.
Last night.
I was in line for my turn to audition. My heart was going a thousand miles an hour. I was doing deep breathing to calm myself.
I was next.
At those stairs leading towards my future, I decide to think about Jason and how proud he would be of me, and then suddenly, everything changed. I crumbled. All those 13 years of grief and sadness and pain that I have hidden inside me came out full force. I excused myself and left the auditorium, where I shook and cried and felt so much.
I got home somehow and went up to my room and lay down on my bed and cried. I was overwhelmed with my sadness, my fears, and my past. Jon came up and held me while I cried. He listened to my fears he held me to his heart and he rocked me like a child. I was hysterical. Jon knew what to do. He got the phone and called Wendy.
When Wendy answered, I started to freak out. "I failed Wendy, I freaking failed again. I should be used to it by now but I'm not. All those people that love and believe in me, I let everyone down. I am an epic failure. Why can't I do this!! Why can't I get my life together? Why can't be happy and move on and freaking make something of myself! WHY WEN WHY!!??"
"Listen to me" Wendy said, "You didn't fail. You can't fail. Your growing so much, your working on yourself, your facing your fears and addressing your loss, you can never call that a fail Raquel."
"What if I can't get on that stage again Wendy? What if I can never use my humor on stage again? Will that be ok too? Will I be ok?"
Wendy paused for only a second before she said, "Raquel you are so much more than funny. Although your humor is a great part of you, it's not all of you. I love the times when your not funny just as much. I love that you listen to me, you cheer for me though life and you have no idea how powerful you are by just being flawed and sharing it. That's braver than me, it's braver than most of us. All those people that are cheering you on just want you to be happy, if you can't get on that stage, there are other venues that you can use your humor, your passion and your gift, you can go on radio, you can use your amazing talent to write, Raquel your talent isn't just person to person funny, it's so much more."
I admit I really stopped listening when Wendy said I was much more than funny.
Am I more than just funny? Are all of you out there cheering me on because you see more than my funny?
I really hope I didn't disappoint anyone with my epic fail. I know I disappointed myself a lot. I thought I was ready for this, but I guess I'm not yet, or maybe even ever, but knowing that I am more than funny, is encouraging.
Gives me something to build on.
Getting onto that stage isn't just about being funny. It isn't about making people laugh, it's not about me being funny enough or brave enough to stand in front of people and be fantastic. That stage represents my acceptance of my pain and my willingness to move on and be happy, complete and well. It represents moving on with a life without Jason, without Mom, without half of me.
I'm not there yet.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The sign
As many of you know I had to say goodbye to my Uncle Eugene last weekend. Everyone will miss his funny and outrageous personality, his great hugs and his love for us.
I just wanted to share with you something very touching that happened the night my uncle passed. His family and I were gathered at the house, sipping one of his cheap beers in his honor and suddenly his oldest daughter Michelle, called for us all to come outside. Right outside the door was a deer, standing there calm and peaceful. Deer have never been seen at this part of the city before, my aunty said that she has lived there for over 20 years and has never seen a deer near or around her house. We all rushed out to see him and he sauntered across the street and met up with another deer. Both of the deer were very quiet and peaceful and they didn't seem alarmed by us at all, we were trying to get pictures and they just kept walking away slowly.
My aunt and my cousins were sent a sign.
Those deer were displaced, but they were calm and content to be there. It was Uncle telling his family," I'm in a new place, but I am happy here and I have Jacinthe with me, and we will be here for you."
I think we are given a sign during our time of loss. It gives us hope that everything will be ok in the end of the grief. I have seen signs whenever I have lost someone close to me. It has helped me get to a place where I can still hope that tomorrow will be better.
When my mom was dying, she and I bought a rose bush for each of us. Hers was pink and mine was yellow. During the short while my mom battled cancer, we would have this competition on who's roses looked better. Mom’s was getting bigger and full of blooms and just lovely, while mine was just a bunch of leaves and a couple of petals on one worn out rose. My mom would make fun of my lame rose bush and laugh at my frustration with my dumb plant. The morning she passed away I went out onto the deck to get some air and to be alone. I sat at the table where our rose bushes sat. It took me a while to notice, but when I looked up my small half dead rose bush was brilliant with 10 full roses fully bloomed and my plant being twice the size it was the day before. I looked over at my mom's rose bush and it had diminished and was small and wilted. I started to cry when I saw her wilted little plant, I didn’t want to think that she was gone, or diminished it was too much, when suddenly I realized what those plants meant.
My mom was telling me, by blooming my rose bush, that I would grow and bloom, and she would help me, by putting all her love into me.
I have grown a lot in the last couple months. I have come close to understanding why I have lost so many people I love, but I never got the true meaning, until we lost Uncle Eugene. With all the loss I have known, I gained empathy and strength that can only come from someone that has been in those shoes.
I want them to know one thing that took me forever to learn. We were lucky to have these people in our lives for however long it was. Some people live a whole life without someone significant or amazing coming along. We were given moments with someone that loved us and taught us love. The memories will warm us while we get through this life without them.
It's not going to be easy, being without them.
But.
It's better than a life that didn't have them in it at all.
I just wanted to share with you something very touching that happened the night my uncle passed. His family and I were gathered at the house, sipping one of his cheap beers in his honor and suddenly his oldest daughter Michelle, called for us all to come outside. Right outside the door was a deer, standing there calm and peaceful. Deer have never been seen at this part of the city before, my aunty said that she has lived there for over 20 years and has never seen a deer near or around her house. We all rushed out to see him and he sauntered across the street and met up with another deer. Both of the deer were very quiet and peaceful and they didn't seem alarmed by us at all, we were trying to get pictures and they just kept walking away slowly.
My aunt and my cousins were sent a sign.
Those deer were displaced, but they were calm and content to be there. It was Uncle telling his family," I'm in a new place, but I am happy here and I have Jacinthe with me, and we will be here for you."
I think we are given a sign during our time of loss. It gives us hope that everything will be ok in the end of the grief. I have seen signs whenever I have lost someone close to me. It has helped me get to a place where I can still hope that tomorrow will be better.
When my mom was dying, she and I bought a rose bush for each of us. Hers was pink and mine was yellow. During the short while my mom battled cancer, we would have this competition on who's roses looked better. Mom’s was getting bigger and full of blooms and just lovely, while mine was just a bunch of leaves and a couple of petals on one worn out rose. My mom would make fun of my lame rose bush and laugh at my frustration with my dumb plant. The morning she passed away I went out onto the deck to get some air and to be alone. I sat at the table where our rose bushes sat. It took me a while to notice, but when I looked up my small half dead rose bush was brilliant with 10 full roses fully bloomed and my plant being twice the size it was the day before. I looked over at my mom's rose bush and it had diminished and was small and wilted. I started to cry when I saw her wilted little plant, I didn’t want to think that she was gone, or diminished it was too much, when suddenly I realized what those plants meant.
My mom was telling me, by blooming my rose bush, that I would grow and bloom, and she would help me, by putting all her love into me.
I have grown a lot in the last couple months. I have come close to understanding why I have lost so many people I love, but I never got the true meaning, until we lost Uncle Eugene. With all the loss I have known, I gained empathy and strength that can only come from someone that has been in those shoes.
I want them to know one thing that took me forever to learn. We were lucky to have these people in our lives for however long it was. Some people live a whole life without someone significant or amazing coming along. We were given moments with someone that loved us and taught us love. The memories will warm us while we get through this life without them.
It's not going to be easy, being without them.
But.
It's better than a life that didn't have them in it at all.
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