Well once again I have over spent and may live in a cardboard box.
With 6 kids it is almost impossible to not over spend at Christmas, every year I say to myself, I WILL NOT give into the fiasco of Christmas and I will just get the basics for the children and keep Jon and I from falling behind and adding undo stress to our lives.
FAIL.
I don't know what happens, I get all scared of disappointing my kids and I get all crazy and I start buying things to represent my love.
To represent my love.
Is that what I am doing??!! That is sick! There will never be a sufficiant amount of money to possibily represent my love for my children, my husband, my friends and my dad. A whole year of guilt, for not showing my kids properly I love them, for not calling my dad because I am a chicken, for not holding Jon enough and living in the moment with him, will never have a dollar value or a gift value.
Every year, I run around looking for the perfect gifts, that will make my children feel magical and special and loved and adored, I bake and I cook and I run around trying to find perfection, when all along, that gift is inside me.
Not that I don't share it often, I do, but because Christmas is suspose to be special, we want them to feel more magic, more love and more special. Yet, because I am so stressed out at Christmas time I snap at them everyday because I'm tired, broke and sad because, even the best present in the world will still leave me feeling empty, because the real gift and only gift I can give, that will make me feel...like I gave magic...is me. My love, my devotion, my full attention is the only gift my children, Jon and Dad need.I can't possiblily give that kind of pure attention everyday, but, on Christmas, I should make it special, by being the best me...I can be. The loving mommy, the devoted wife and the daughter that loves with her whole heart, without fear.
So this year, my bank account is empty, because I didn't get it on time, however I will make a conscience decision to give them my magic.
Next year, my kids will experience the magic of Christmas with a few important gifts and some yummy goodies on the table, but most importantly, they will have me, fully engaged in the moment, stress free and calm, laughing and smiling because I feel like I did it right.
I GOT what Christmas is meant to be.
MAGIC.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Date with tears
Every year I break down in tears.
Usually Christmas morning, I get overwhelmed with feelings; overload, and have an ugly, soul cleaning, heart repairing cry.
The holidays are very difficult when you have lost family over the years. Everyone gets together..but...it's not everyone. You try to make the best of this holiday, buy the presents, make things magical, but inside, there is this hole that is flooded with grief.
I've decided that I will start planning my grief day, because if I don't plan it, it will come on its own in the middle of making memories with my children and make them feel sad and afraid.
Mommy shouldn't cry.
So I will get some beautiful Christmas music, lock myself in my room after the kids are asleep, sip a cold glass of sparkling apple cider, sit cross-legged on my bed and remember.
Remembering the Christmases of the past, with the beautiful trees and yummy baking, with my mom humming in the kitchen and Jason laughing in the living room, of being a child without any worries and the excitement of Santa, cuddling Jason and dreaming of the amazing presents, of being tucked in and loved. I will remember Grandparents that would chuckle at my antics, aunts and uncles that would make me laugh and friends who have come and gone from my life. Remembering all the things that made Christmas special and being thankful that I had these amazing people in my life at all, even if it was for a short time.
Then, I will wipe my tears, curl up into bed, and whisper to all of them...
"Thank you for allowing me to be part of your amazing life."
Usually Christmas morning, I get overwhelmed with feelings; overload, and have an ugly, soul cleaning, heart repairing cry.
The holidays are very difficult when you have lost family over the years. Everyone gets together..but...it's not everyone. You try to make the best of this holiday, buy the presents, make things magical, but inside, there is this hole that is flooded with grief.
I've decided that I will start planning my grief day, because if I don't plan it, it will come on its own in the middle of making memories with my children and make them feel sad and afraid.
Mommy shouldn't cry.
So I will get some beautiful Christmas music, lock myself in my room after the kids are asleep, sip a cold glass of sparkling apple cider, sit cross-legged on my bed and remember.
Remembering the Christmases of the past, with the beautiful trees and yummy baking, with my mom humming in the kitchen and Jason laughing in the living room, of being a child without any worries and the excitement of Santa, cuddling Jason and dreaming of the amazing presents, of being tucked in and loved. I will remember Grandparents that would chuckle at my antics, aunts and uncles that would make me laugh and friends who have come and gone from my life. Remembering all the things that made Christmas special and being thankful that I had these amazing people in my life at all, even if it was for a short time.
Then, I will wipe my tears, curl up into bed, and whisper to all of them...
"Thank you for allowing me to be part of your amazing life."
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Hey Fluffy
Holy crap this isn't going to be easy, since when did we have that much chaos in our lives??!!
And you, like dragging a dead horse towards the door, to get you to walk yesterday, and don't think you won, I will be marching your ass around today and YOU have no say about it. I get, you were tired yesterday and needed to sleep but...if you get tired that early then you come home for work and get that puppy and walk until you have to pick up the kids. How about Walk to pick up the kids? I know the temperture is going to drop here soon but I guess we will have to purchase some warm gear for you, and some new shoes, yours suck and an Ipod or MP3 player would help distract you from your obsessing about your fatigue or your responsibilities.
Look this family will have to figure out how to take care of themselves if you aren't on this planet anymore because your heart gives up because it is tired of carrying our load. I will get them on a program of taking over suppers 3 times a week or more so you can do this. Missing supper on the nights Trevor brings home pizza isn't a bad thing, I will make sure there are healthy choices for you on the fly.
Did a bomb go off in the fridge??!! I see all the healthy food but it is such a disaster in there you don't know what to eat and how to eat it. Meal planning (I know planning isn't your thing) will have to happen. Precooking a lot on the weekend should take a bunch of pressure off you on the weekday, I know that cuts into your "escape the house and have fun" time but now is go time. Want to hang with these amazing friends, walk with them, call them, and meet somewhere and walk. I understand you don't want to go to the gym right now, I get it, because you can't find your shoes and you have OCD about things not being exactly right before going somewhere like a gym, with the judgement and the muscleheads. So until I find those bloody shoes, we will be getting to know your neighbourhood, no hills...that almost killed you. Nice and easy, my friend.
I know you are trying so hard, I can feel you getting overwhelmed but take a deep breath and trust me, I won't let you fall, I am right here, loving you, holding you up and believing in you.
We can do this.
Love Slim
And you, like dragging a dead horse towards the door, to get you to walk yesterday, and don't think you won, I will be marching your ass around today and YOU have no say about it. I get, you were tired yesterday and needed to sleep but...if you get tired that early then you come home for work and get that puppy and walk until you have to pick up the kids. How about Walk to pick up the kids? I know the temperture is going to drop here soon but I guess we will have to purchase some warm gear for you, and some new shoes, yours suck and an Ipod or MP3 player would help distract you from your obsessing about your fatigue or your responsibilities.
Look this family will have to figure out how to take care of themselves if you aren't on this planet anymore because your heart gives up because it is tired of carrying our load. I will get them on a program of taking over suppers 3 times a week or more so you can do this. Missing supper on the nights Trevor brings home pizza isn't a bad thing, I will make sure there are healthy choices for you on the fly.
Did a bomb go off in the fridge??!! I see all the healthy food but it is such a disaster in there you don't know what to eat and how to eat it. Meal planning (I know planning isn't your thing) will have to happen. Precooking a lot on the weekend should take a bunch of pressure off you on the weekday, I know that cuts into your "escape the house and have fun" time but now is go time. Want to hang with these amazing friends, walk with them, call them, and meet somewhere and walk. I understand you don't want to go to the gym right now, I get it, because you can't find your shoes and you have OCD about things not being exactly right before going somewhere like a gym, with the judgement and the muscleheads. So until I find those bloody shoes, we will be getting to know your neighbourhood, no hills...that almost killed you. Nice and easy, my friend.
I know you are trying so hard, I can feel you getting overwhelmed but take a deep breath and trust me, I won't let you fall, I am right here, loving you, holding you up and believing in you.
We can do this.
Love Slim
Dear Slim...first day back.
I forgot to tell you this wouldn't be easy. I kinda like not working too hard, I also get discouraged pretty easy. Oh and our lives...pretty crazy right now. 6 kids, a puppy, a dragon, and a cat to keep alive. No one else seems to know how to cook in that house, that or they don't care to try and things get untidy every half minute. Look I am willing to do whatever you say, to get this weight off, but well, it's going to take some thought process.
I love how I didn't think about anything negative yesterday, and I wasn't afraid. I had this inner peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Like I can let go of the steering wheel and let you drive. I only wish I could lay on a couch and eat cheese doodles and watch you work your magic, but apparently I have to be part of this healing process. SIGH.
Love you,
Fluffy.
I love how I didn't think about anything negative yesterday, and I wasn't afraid. I had this inner peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Like I can let go of the steering wheel and let you drive. I only wish I could lay on a couch and eat cheese doodles and watch you work your magic, but apparently I have to be part of this healing process. SIGH.
Love you,
Fluffy.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Dear Slim
Dear Slim,
You would think I would be mad at you for ditching me, but I'm not. I just plain missed you, I'm the funny and sensitive one that is here to make people laugh and feel good, you were the one that had an edge and gave me determination and drive. You leave me in charge, and the result is this, I eat my feelings, I act like an idiot and I have no idea how to fight or defend myself, so people get away with treating me like poo. I hate making decisions, that was your job. So I made decisions that would make me feel the least shitty and well...LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!
You sure have your work cut out for you, I'm not built to carry this load, where there was muscle, there is now fluff and fluff isn't made to do anything but be soft. That is what I am, soft, in my heart, in my soul and now, in my body. You Slim are the strength of this operation and only you can carry fluffy me across this finish line.
I advise you to make me lighter so carrying me isn't so impossible.
Remember Slim, although I am excited to have you back, I have changed too. I went through a whole bunch of things that have forever changed who I am. I'm afraid of being exposed without my fluffy suit, I'm afraid of being alone to deal with the changes, this fluffy suit has kept the wolves at bay and made me pretty invisible, I liked that, I know how to deal with invisible, being seen, being beautiful and noticeable again...terrifying. You know my past, you know what has happened to me that makes these fears very valid, you have to stay and deal with these things now, my coping skills won't do it anymore. I need you to fight for me, keep me healthy, be strong and believe for both of us that we are worth more than ridicule and abuse. I will keep my end of the deal, keep it funny, keep it soft and keep it full of love.
By the way Slim, we aren't alone, because I'm soft, and funny and pretty wonderful, I have amazing friends cheering us on, be nice to them, they love us like we deserve to be loved.
Welcome back Slim, you have been missed.
Now get to work and fix my mess.
Loved always by me,
Fluffy
You would think I would be mad at you for ditching me, but I'm not. I just plain missed you, I'm the funny and sensitive one that is here to make people laugh and feel good, you were the one that had an edge and gave me determination and drive. You leave me in charge, and the result is this, I eat my feelings, I act like an idiot and I have no idea how to fight or defend myself, so people get away with treating me like poo. I hate making decisions, that was your job. So I made decisions that would make me feel the least shitty and well...LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!
You sure have your work cut out for you, I'm not built to carry this load, where there was muscle, there is now fluff and fluff isn't made to do anything but be soft. That is what I am, soft, in my heart, in my soul and now, in my body. You Slim are the strength of this operation and only you can carry fluffy me across this finish line.
I advise you to make me lighter so carrying me isn't so impossible.
Remember Slim, although I am excited to have you back, I have changed too. I went through a whole bunch of things that have forever changed who I am. I'm afraid of being exposed without my fluffy suit, I'm afraid of being alone to deal with the changes, this fluffy suit has kept the wolves at bay and made me pretty invisible, I liked that, I know how to deal with invisible, being seen, being beautiful and noticeable again...terrifying. You know my past, you know what has happened to me that makes these fears very valid, you have to stay and deal with these things now, my coping skills won't do it anymore. I need you to fight for me, keep me healthy, be strong and believe for both of us that we are worth more than ridicule and abuse. I will keep my end of the deal, keep it funny, keep it soft and keep it full of love.
By the way Slim, we aren't alone, because I'm soft, and funny and pretty wonderful, I have amazing friends cheering us on, be nice to them, they love us like we deserve to be loved.
Welcome back Slim, you have been missed.
Now get to work and fix my mess.
Loved always by me,
Fluffy
Dear Fluffy
Dear Fluffy,
It has been a long time since I have spoken up to you. I guess I was in hiding because I was afraid that you wouldn't forgive me for letting you take on, all my fears and sadness. I'm sorry I let you down and let you fall apart without my support. It was all so hard to deal with. I didn't know how to survive it all, so I let you cushion me with the fluff, to cover up my loveliness with excess and protect me from a world without Jason, without protection, without support and love, and let me disappear and grieve in silence.
I'm silent no more. I'm healed, I grieve no more, I'm strong and happy and I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and pick you up. Today and everyday after this, I will worship this body of ours, she has survived insurmountable pain, hardship and loss and I will love and nurture you Fluffy, because you protected me. You can rest now, well not really rest, because you no longer have to store our bullshit. Every pound on our body is a pound of pain I won't let reside there anymore, I love you too much, I respect you, I see you and your desperation to live and I will take us there. I know how to be healthy and how to use this body for good like hiking and skiing and all the other things I used to do with my body when I was in charge. I know how much our body should eat, because I used to eat well and take care of myself, because, here is the kicker, I used to love eating well and being active. I think you forgot how well I ate and how active I was. You'll be remembering soon.
I just want to help you get up with those extra pounds, hold you up until you can do this without it being a conscience effort. I won't let the harmful self talk be there anymore, only my voice will be there, I have the right to be there, I know your story and I know you did your very best with a life full of rollercoaster loops, only now, I'm on this ride with you and I'll be damned if you ever ride alone again.
I am well again, I will protect you from your asshole ex husband, as if HE has the right to ridicule YOU, he forgets I know his past and if he would like me to enlighten him about it and his OWN choices and mistakes, I sure will...anytime, bring it on bucko. Leave him to me, he will piss off when I am done with him. How dare anyone prey on someone that was suffering? Well no more, I think he also forgets the girl he met 21 years ago, there is no way she would tolerate this bull crap and she isn't going to anymore. Lets play with this bully, HE won't be winning this battle, not anymore.
I will be coaching you towards making us the same person. I will pick you up when you are tired, I will hand you an apple when you crave the sultry salty temptress Cheese Doodle, and I will love you, and take care of you like I have never done before. I'm sorry I didn't, I didn't know how special you were until you took this fat bullet for me and took care of me.
So that voice in your head...rooting for you is me, again I am sorry I took off and let you deal with all my crap, but now is the time we unite and kick this weight and be done with the sad chapter of our life. Now we will move on toward the place we would be if I hadn't left you. A place were we are happy, strong, determined, free and successful.
I will love you always,
Slim
It has been a long time since I have spoken up to you. I guess I was in hiding because I was afraid that you wouldn't forgive me for letting you take on, all my fears and sadness. I'm sorry I let you down and let you fall apart without my support. It was all so hard to deal with. I didn't know how to survive it all, so I let you cushion me with the fluff, to cover up my loveliness with excess and protect me from a world without Jason, without protection, without support and love, and let me disappear and grieve in silence.
I'm silent no more. I'm healed, I grieve no more, I'm strong and happy and I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and pick you up. Today and everyday after this, I will worship this body of ours, she has survived insurmountable pain, hardship and loss and I will love and nurture you Fluffy, because you protected me. You can rest now, well not really rest, because you no longer have to store our bullshit. Every pound on our body is a pound of pain I won't let reside there anymore, I love you too much, I respect you, I see you and your desperation to live and I will take us there. I know how to be healthy and how to use this body for good like hiking and skiing and all the other things I used to do with my body when I was in charge. I know how much our body should eat, because I used to eat well and take care of myself, because, here is the kicker, I used to love eating well and being active. I think you forgot how well I ate and how active I was. You'll be remembering soon.
I just want to help you get up with those extra pounds, hold you up until you can do this without it being a conscience effort. I won't let the harmful self talk be there anymore, only my voice will be there, I have the right to be there, I know your story and I know you did your very best with a life full of rollercoaster loops, only now, I'm on this ride with you and I'll be damned if you ever ride alone again.
I am well again, I will protect you from your asshole ex husband, as if HE has the right to ridicule YOU, he forgets I know his past and if he would like me to enlighten him about it and his OWN choices and mistakes, I sure will...anytime, bring it on bucko. Leave him to me, he will piss off when I am done with him. How dare anyone prey on someone that was suffering? Well no more, I think he also forgets the girl he met 21 years ago, there is no way she would tolerate this bull crap and she isn't going to anymore. Lets play with this bully, HE won't be winning this battle, not anymore.
I will be coaching you towards making us the same person. I will pick you up when you are tired, I will hand you an apple when you crave the sultry salty temptress Cheese Doodle, and I will love you, and take care of you like I have never done before. I'm sorry I didn't, I didn't know how special you were until you took this fat bullet for me and took care of me.
So that voice in your head...rooting for you is me, again I am sorry I took off and let you deal with all my crap, but now is the time we unite and kick this weight and be done with the sad chapter of our life. Now we will move on toward the place we would be if I hadn't left you. A place were we are happy, strong, determined, free and successful.
I will love you always,
Slim
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