Confusion

With all these new medications, I'm not sure what is to blame for my confusion. My head can't seem to retain any information and I miss being able to think on the fly. I guess it is good that I'm not trying to pursue my comedy career right now, because I would be screwed if someone heckled me. I can't think on the spot at all, or if I get interrupted I will never come back to the original thought. Maybe it's age??

Starting a new job ( that I love) with all the new systems and a new program to learn I'm getting frustrated with how much I am screwing up. This isn't me!!! I guess I have to slow down and take my time and learn a few things at a time, unlike my old self. In the future I guess when an employer asks what are some of my weaknesses I can say..."well I can't multi- task and I STILL can't craft, so nothing with scissors or glue..or sparkly things...WITH glue ...that stick to my fingers and make me go postal... and obsessively wash my hands to get all stick off of me...and then get an itchy nose....oh crap...I just changed topics, and I can't remember where I was going with that...SIGH.

I hate being confused. Clarity is what I crave right now. I need to take ownership of my own mistakes and sort out how to fix them and start over so I can feel complete. Maybe THAT is why I am so confused right now, I have so much I am trying to do, that my brain is going into overload. My heart is too, I have been allowing myself to feel and express and love and it is quite shocking to my system...to have attachments again.

This self improvement thing is difficult. Sitting on the couch eating cheese doodles was easier than this...but not rewarding or for the betterment of myself.

Every night, I now look at how far I have come and smile because this journey is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Then.

I try to remember where I lost my keys.

I need

I need peace
I need love
I need family
I need friends
I need acceptance
I need cheese doodles ( ha ha just seeing if you're paying attention)
I need hugs
I need to learn how to enjoy hugs
I need calm
I need humor
I need time to cry
I need protection
I need shelter from my life storm
I need to create magic with my talents
I need dreams
I need goals
I need mothering
I need rest
I need forgivness
I need to forgive myself and others
I need my dad
I need help sometimes
I need to ask for help
I need to help others
I need to feel safe
I need to accept that I have needed and gone without.
I NEED to take care of my needs now and forever.

Where has the time gone?

Well I sure have been slacking on this blog. Well that should be remedied asap.

So many things have changed since my last blog. First I no longer car pool with Mike as I lost my job. I actually quit but was asked to. I have been missing a lot of work lately because of my health, my blood pressure has been through the roof. My body, that has been living in high stress for a long time is letting me know that enough is enough.

I am living proof that a broken heart, can actually break your heart.

So the cure, is to un-break my heart. Everyday I get up and I list off the things I am thankful for. I mentally picture all my family, my friends, the roof over my head, my husband and lastly, myself, I am thankful for my life and the lessons I have learned from it, doing this, everyday has improved my self talk and helped me get up and WANT to get better.

Lets be honest folks, up until the last 6 months I have wanted to lose this battle with my health. The pain was unbearable. For all the folks that asked me how I survived what I have been through, the honest answer is I don't know, because I did everything in my power NOT to survive it. I quit being active and excited about life, I fed my pain and numbed it with calories, sugar and fat to silence my aching heart and self hatred.

Hey I still do some of these very abusive things, I get sad or scared or overwhelmed and I eat until it goes away. Here is the thing about burying your feelings with food or drugs or booze, THE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE! Doesn't matter how deep you bury them with addiction, all those feelings are there and getting harder and harder to bury. I have buried mine in 145lbs of "fluff" and only now because I am allowing my feelings out am I heading towards a better future. Everyday I address my insecurities and my fears and I explain them to myself. Only when my mind gets wrapped around the why, will I truly be free.

Last weekend, I had to talk to my ex for the first time in months. He wanted to finally take out daughter out and I fully encouraged this. She had other ideas, she is so angry with him for having nothing to do with her for the last 2 years that she has now quit.

I got on the phone with him to try and explain how she is feeling and he, my abuser, said that I only have myself to blame for her being a rebellious and angry teenager. I taught her that and I have to live with it.

For the first time in my life, that didn't hurt me or upset me because it was so untrue, it didn't even hit my radar. I simply said to "He who has no shadow", "that isn't true, maybe what has happened in this divorce is partially my fault, however I will no longer that full blame for the pain my children have suffered. He was mostly silent due to being at work, and having to keep his "image". However, I feel it's a victory, for me. He can't scare me into self hatred anymore. I refuse to allow it, because...

I don't hate me anymore.

In the brotherhood

Lately I have been carpooling with my friend Mike, my health has made me unable to drive so Erin, Mike's wife and one of my sisters, suggested Mike and I carpool. I was sure thankful.

During our first week of carpool, Mike would have on either a comedy CD or music that he really appreciated and it was nice because I was feeling so crappy and the comedy and music made it feel better.

The next week I was starting to feel a little better and we talked a little. I'm mostly the talker and Mike is a great listener, he always adds in something funny and we laugh at each others antics.

Lately, mostly because of how good I'm starting to feel, I have been sharing some of the funniest moments of my life, and of course those all involve my brother Jason. I've been sharing our crazy antics and our "war with Rol" (my dad) and the funny things we did to my poor mom. (finding a rubber snake in the garbage of a neighbours house and trying to act natural while slithering in the room to throw it) She was on to us, but it was still funny.

Everyday I get in the car and say to myself, shut up why are you talking about this??! It's not something anyone wants to hear, you and your brother stories are only entertaining to you. Then today I realised why I am talking about it all, I need to. Losing your only sibling is losing your history, no one remembers your childhood and there is no one to reminisce with. This makes me crave that camaraderie and exchange of sibling tales.

I guess what I am saying is this, I have all these adopted sisters and it's fine, because I didn't have a sister growing up, so adjusting to them is fairly easy. Adding a brother, or a brother type figure is a little harder, because as I let Mike in and add him as a brother type in my life, it makes me crave and miss my own brother.

However, this may be one of the best steps for me.

 I had a dream a few weeks ago. Jason was at the pub with me, which is where he normally is in my dreams, and he said this "Nell, your scared to let go of me because you're afraid I'm the only one that knows who you  really are, but that isn't true anymore. You're letting others know you now and soon you will be able to let me go. " Then he smiled at me and said "And it's OK to let me go, because no matter what, you will always have me." And he tapped my head and my chest.

I woke up crying and saying No no no, over and over again. I don't want to let go, I can't. He loved me and he was the only one that loved me always, even at the worst.

But today I see it different, he isn't the only one now, my new siblings, have seen me at my worst, it never got worse than losing him, my mom and my children and now they are catching glimpse of my best and they love me too. So, maybe, just a little, I can let Jason recede. Even writing that my heart froze with fear, because this is a new idea and process. Will this happen overnight?

No.

Can these new siblings take all the hurt away? No, but they can hear my stories and share my childhood and love and understand what I lost, and patch up my heart as best they can...and.... love me whole.

Something Jason never got to do.

Rant of the month

You know that feeling when your excited about something and your tummy tingles and you're body is agitated with excitement?
I feel that today. I was looking at pictures today of a few friends on facebook and saw them hiking, walking, running and active. I looked at my own life and I basically just survive, I don't live, I survive. That's crazy!

Everyday it is the same thing, I get home from work, I make supper, eat (too much) watch some TV or read or anything that escapes me from life and then tuck everyone in and go to bed. That is all I have the energy for, granted, I do have some health concerns that I'm struggling with, but I can do better than this.
We all can.

It won't hurt the kids to go for a walk with me, it won't hurt Jon to go throw the basketball with me at the park, or when the winter months come, it won't hurt me to build a snowman with the kids or go skating (Do I remember how to skate??!!) I love the outdoors, yet I never see it anymore and I live close to Fish Creek Park and all its glory, so why don't I grab all this wonderment and live it? Tired? Lazy? Don't give a crap?

Probably.

But what am I waiting for? For life to get easier so I have the energy to do these things for a forklift to carry me out of the house because I'm too fluffy and dump me into life, for a miracle that comes along and takes away my broken heart, my anger at myself, my insecurities and my memory of a better time?

Probably, but that isn't going to happen (well maybe the forklift part if I continue the way I am.) unless I find it inside me to start living again. I have to get up, tape my favorite shows, go outside and rake the yard, take the kids with me, get out of breath and be excited, truly excited, about watching the leaves flutter down all around me! It has been a long time since I enjoyed the wonderment of this world and its beauty.

I want to hike, I hiked as a child with my parents and some friends and I loved it, I loved the climb and reaching the destination. Maybe I won't be able to reach the top at first, maybe I won't even make the first slope but I am damn well going to try again and again and again. I live in the mountains and live so close to some of the most beautiful places on earth and I never go and see them, I don't take my kids to see them and if we do go, we stay on the paved path. What am I teaching them? To always take the paved path and stay safe, because of my own fears and insecurities, because I don't want them to get hurt in any way? This isn't what I want for them. I want them to try some scary things, I want them to feel insecure and cautious and to test boundaries and know that sometimes safe, isn't the best way.



SAFE has leaded me to where I am now. Safe told me to keep everyone away from me, so I would never have to mourn again, Safe has lead me to obesity because being fluffy made me invisible to everyone and gave me peace from unwanted attention. Safe lead me to my late thirties without passion, without drive and without my best life. Safe did its job and took care of me while I healed, it protected me and cooled me down so I could build up again and feel well enough to dance with Risk again.



Risk, let me love others again, regardless if they are temporary.



Risk, will help me take off the fluffy suit and face being noticed again.



Risk, is living not knowing how it will turn out, but wanting the excitement of doing it the best you can, and excepting that it might be hard, and complicated and scary, but worth it, because you actually LIVED your best life.

This Body

This body was born perfect with dimples on my bottom.
This body took its first steps and giggled with pleasure.T
This body spun around and around in circles until my tummy felt sick.
This body would drop down and nap anywhere and sleep sound.
This body played tag with my brother and giggled with delight.
This body danced at weddings and learned the polka.
This body went into puberty and felt the changes and embraced them.
This body tingled with excitement when it felt love's first kiss.
This body excelled at sports and triumphed in the win, grumbled about the loss.
This body fell in love and it blossomed in it.
This body made love and learned about pleasure and connection.
This body swelled with child and basked in the wonderment of it all.
This body brought life into this world and glowed with pride.
This body was beaten and abused and burns with the shame of it.
This body was violated and made to feel worthless and dulled from the pain.
This body faced loss that covered its heart with molten lava of grief.
This body fought to stay steady when my world tilted upside-down.
This body held me with my broken heart, my self-hatred and my fear.
This body was made to change into something it didn't want.
This body tolerated my abuse.
This body believed I would make it right again.
This body needs me to make it right again and love it.
This body is going to get what it deserves.

The Climb

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure, It is our light not our darkest that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that the people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do, It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same, as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Coach Carter.


Now this is something.

I read that and my mind started buzzing with new information.

Powerful beyond measure, we are all powerful beyond measure, this is simply amazing. All this life is asking from us, is to root for each other and allow the best we can be to come forward without shame.
I love this quote.

This blog and all my "figuring out", lets everyone know, I am flawed and that it is normal and ok to be that way. We all make mistakes, we all suffer and we are all struggling to be more, and yet we are afraid to be more because what if we climb back up, and leave the people we love behind, what happens then?

The answer is simple.

You don't climb alone.

You pull and you claw and you fight to bring everyone up with you. Some people are less afraid than others and may climb without fear towards the top, while others stumble at the bottom, afraid to reach for the first stone. The confident climbers, they need to reach back and take the hand of the fearful and pull them up with everything they have and then place their hands on a stone and continue to climb. Eventually they will start to climb, because they love you and want to be with you, and because you love them enough to bring them along.


Everyone in our lives has such potential, EVERYONE...(yes even you reading this blog). They just have to remember the passions they had as a child, before it got hard, before life stepped in and made us conform to the "norm".
Remember who you are. If you can't remember, surround yourself with people who do. Ask the climbers to reach back and take your hand and help you climb until you start to remember how to lift yourself up.
Let your people, carry you.

I am remembering that girl, with her hopes and dream and her passion. Everyday I am reaching up for another stone, and looking back to see who needs help, because when we all reach the top and look around at the beauty around us, I don't want to be alone in that place.

I want to be surrounded by other climbers, who are smiling and happy and...whole.

Lets climb shall we?