Stupid Fear

I have been doing a lot of reading about fear lately and how to overcome it.

A very interesting thing that I have discovered is that everyone we know has fears. From the confident cool and collected to the fluffy, flawed and funny we are all afraid of something.

A common fear we all have is the fear of disapproval.. It's weird that I worry so much about approval. I guess I have lived with so little of it that I crave it now. I just want to do the right thing so much that I panic when I think I am doing something wrong. I think everyone craves approval, acceptance, love and peace. I crave it so much sometimes I lay at night plotting how to work harder at being more loving, more accepting, and bringing more peace to everyone's existence. I want to make sure that no one ever feels sad or alone on my watch. Of course with me being so busy with my family, my job, my passions and friends I constantly feel like I am letting someone down, and that scares me.

My biggest fear is being alone again. That fear has been the root cause of my most rash decisions. I fear being alone so much I had a huge family so that the odds of me or them, ever being without someone is zero. I fear being alone so much I am obsessed with being someone worth loving so they won't leave me. I constantly try hard to be approved of and loved that I exhaust myself.

 I help everyone I can.

I even help the ones that hate me. I take insults with a smile so they won't feel bad, I have allowed people to do some pretty heinous things to me. There are people out there that I know hate me but I still try to make them not hate me by doing something kind for them. Take G for instance, my ex. I found out he was going to have a baby and even though he has indicated over and over again that he hates me by doing horrible things to me I gathered all my son's baby clothes, washed them, folded them and gave them to him. I thought that if I did something kind to him...maybe ...just maybe he won't hate me anymore. I was wrong. That same day our daughter told him she wanted to move in with me because she needed her mom as guidance while she grew up and he said that I am not the type of woman that should be anyone's mentor. I sure felt foolish when I heard that.

Yesterday I was terrified. I now know that G can read this blog. I felt exposed and scared. So far, I have been lucky to have only supportive and kind people read this blog so I felt I could be honest and real and raw about my life. With having someone that hates me reading this, I thought I would never be able to be honest and brave on here again. Having someone that hates you is hard enough, but having him read you inner most pains and triumphs is very terrifying. He could use it against me, he has a direct tap into my life and that is terrifying but... I have to do this.

 You can't hate me for being flawed. If you want to use it against me then you are someone that should sit down and write a blog about being horrible and why.

Love me or hate me I am doing what is best for me. I have a life I want to explore and I will do so with a free conscience. I will not hold back because it might hurt feelings, I won't allow anyone to bully or scare me into taking away my freedom to speak the truth. If they are not at a place of personal truth, then that is fine, I understand, but don't take it away from someone that needs answers.

I won't write this with fear.

I write this with love, acceptance, approval and peace.

 For myself.