Being content

Have you ever sank your teeth into something that was just heaven? You roll it around in your mouth and let the flavors just dance on your taste buds? I do this every time with a cheese doodle.

Some of you may not understand what a cheese doodle is. It's orange; but not a hostile orange more of a sunset in the sky color, It's crunchy but not in the Captain Crunch sorta way that cuts up your mouth and leaves you unsatisfied. Cheese Doodles come in a variety of shapes. I like the fatter ones that I can suck on until it dissolves into a smaller clump then swallow it whole. Cheese Doodles don't mock me or need commitments from me. They are there when I am sad, or happy or bored. I count on cheese doodles.

I wish there was a rehab for Cheese doodles.

Hi my name is Raquel. "Hi Raquel" It has been 3 minutes since my last cheese doodle. "clap clap clap" I need encouragement to quit them, some cute little poem to say every morning so I don't use. SIGH. A sponsor would be nice, someone that I can call when the doodle cravings are wild.

I would be calling a lot.

I was trying to remember when I started eating them with frenzy. I think it was during my divorce. During my divorce I think I was the most stressed I have ever been. My mom was battling cancer, my ex and I were at war, my kids were not living with me, and I missed them. I was sad beyond a word to explain it and I opened up a bag of Cheese doodles and crunched away all the frustration and sadness and loneliness. I would lie in my bed with orange crumbs all around me and feel content. I was full inside. I temporarily filled myself up so I wouldn't feel so sad.

I have been filling myself up for a long time. I eat to fill myself up with something. Something is better than empty.

I started noting when I wanted cheese doodles the most. It's usually when I am alone in my room reading books. I read a lot. I am alone at night every night. Jon works nights.

Don't get me wrong I love being alone at night. I get the whole bed. I get all the blankets, pillows are under every part of my body and I can eat, drink and read until my hearts content... until my hearts content.

HOLY CRAP!!! Until my hearts content...that is why I eat so much!! I want a content heart. Sure cheese doodles ARE tasty but are they as tasty as love and happiness and contentment. Nope.

I need contentment. How do you get it when you don't even know what makes me content anymore? What makes me at peace? What settles me down and gives me hope and passion and excitement? My family gives me some, I admit, but I am not defined as a mother, or a sister or any title. I am a woman with great intentions that wants to do the best she can from now on. Not live a half-life that is safe and lame. I want to live this life the best I can.

What I did learn from losing so many, is that life is short...get on with it. Do it the best you can.

I haven't been.

I sure the hell will now. Look out for some major changes in me. I feel it coming...

Total contentment!!