Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

It has been 7 Mother's Days since I have been able to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I didn't want another one to pass without you knowing how much you impacted my life.

This last 7 years has been difficult without you. The first year I had to get out of the habit of calling you everyday at work. I still know your work number by heart 403-258-22xx. I called you often because if I didn't you would panic because if I wasn't keeping in touch,I was doing something rash or making some type of mistake.

I remember on the third day after Aiden was born I picked up the phone and called your office because I wasn't feeling well and needed some advice, while it was ringing I realized, you weren't there, you weren't anywhere, and I cried. I didn't know what to do, I needed some help and couldn't call you. I suddenly decided to call Dad. You told me to trust him and he would help me and he did. He came over, brought medication and a breast pump ( I bet you were chuckling in heaven) and made sure I was fine. You were right again, even from there.

I want to thank you for being my mom. I think in Heaven, you somehow picked the short straw for a daughter. I was rebellious, headstrong, loud and messy. I loved to do things to make you get that wrinkle on your forehead. With patience and love you raised me to have a huge heart, give people second, third, fourth chances and most importantly you taught me to be strong and steadfast, both qualities that have kept me alive without you.

My children miss you very much. Christmas hasn’t been the same. I do try, very hard, but the magic you gave isn’t there. My children felt so treasured by you, Trevor could tell you everything; he knew you would lookout for him every time. Amanda remembers snacks at your house with talk and laughter, Melanie loved your back rubs and Emilee remembers doing puzzles and sitting by your side watching TV while you did cross- stitch. They only have beautiful memories of a lovely Grandma.

My two children that came after you went home are told all about you, they know you love them and that you are with them now. Rebecca tells me all the time she loves living in her Grandma and Grandpa’s home. Aiden looks at your pictures and tells people “That is my Grandma!” I give them amazing Christmas memories and make sure that I pass down the magic.

Mom.

Thank you for that magic, for loving me, for loving my dad, for understanding us better then we understood each other. I wish you didn’t have to leave, but because you left us Dad and I had to figure it out. We love each other the best we can. We are trying to communicate; we have had to settle our own fights; we celebrate yours and Jason’s lives together, we are all we have left of our family, and we both know it. We won’t quit trying; we are both keeping our promise to you.

I haven’t been to the cemetery since your funeral. It’s hard for me, because both of you are there. I can’t face the loss right now. I am getting there. I hope you know I don't have to be there to think of you and Jason. I do that everyday. Everytime I hold my children and love them, I think of you and how you taught me how to do that. I think of how much you have taught me about life and love and loss. You were a pillar of strength and I have that too now.

I will take care of this family, of dad, of your house. I will keep them all full of love, laughter and strength.

I hope that I am making you proud of me. I really wanted to do that before you left but I never got the chance. I am healing, I am proud of myself for once in my life. I am making good choices and I have grown up. I know you loved me and knew I could do this. Thanks for believing in me then.

I feel you in our house. I know your there taking care of my family...of me. I miss your voice, your smell and all the physical things that I can't have now, but knowing your there helps me. I think that is why I am healing.


Happy Mother's Day Mom,

Love always,

Raquel