Finding Melanie

When I wrote the letter to my Mom I realized that although I haven't been able to go visit my mom, I should be able to go visit my sister.

Melanie was my little sister, she was born May 17, 1976. We lost her six months later.

I remember that day clearly. I asked my mom if I could go and check on Melanie, because she was mute we had to check if she was awake. I went into the bedroom and saw that her tubes where out of her throat. I ran to get my mom; she ran ahead of me and took Melanie into her arms. I can still remember her rocking her and begging her not to leave us.

Mom told me to get the neighbor and I ran as fast as my 3 year old legs could carry me. Bonnie dropped her laundry basket and ran past me to my mom. I was just walking into the house when I could hear my mom talking to 911 holding my sister in blankets, doing cpr. I remember being taken back to Bonnie's house and waiting by the window with Jason most of the day, waiting for Mom to come home with Melanie. Later that afternoon, I saw a car pull up and my mom got out of the passenger side, her hands over her face, looking stricken and sad. I ran to the door and Bonnie caught me, "Your mom and dad need a little time, right now. I will take you back in a little while." I went back to the window and stared at our house. What was going on in there? Why couldn't I be there? Where was Melanie?

I don't remember anything else. I don't remember the family coming, I don't remember the funeral, I was told Jason and I didn't attend. I don't remember the days that followed. Was my mom different? Was my dad? It bothers me I don't remember. I am sure things were different but to a three year old I guess I still got fed, I was still taken care of and loved so it didn't trigger any more memory.

I remember very little about her but have seen the pictures. Remember holding her while sitting on the couch with Mom close by, Jason asking for his turn. She was mute because the tubes they put into her throat to expand her lungs, had removed her voice box so she would never have spoken a word. She couldn’t' cry, she couldn't coo, but she could smile. She had my smile. :)
When we lost her we moved to Calgary from Lethbridge. We didn't speak about her and never went to her grave. My mom would answer any questions I had, but I didn't know enough to ask the right questions. I knew her birth date; I can guess her death date because I know she was 6 months old when she died so I am guessing in November sometime.

In 1997 when I lost Jason, I started searching for Melanie. I was told over the phone what plot she had and found out she was in an unmarked grave. I called my mom and she was shocked. I guess my dad’s old boss sent him to Calgary and told my dad he would take care of the gravestone. I guess he never did. My mom made sure she got a gravestone and I think her and Dad went there to see it. I’m not sure.

It bothers me that I had a sibling that I never really acknowledged. It bothers me that I never connected Melanie to me. My life probably changed when my parents lost Melanie, first we moved. I think we probably would have stayed in Lethbridge had she lived. Life would have gone in a different direction. We would all know sign language, Jason would have been a middle child, I would have a little sister to pick on. So maybe traumatize Jason less…(doubt it). It would be Jason, Melanie and I flying kites and getting in trouble together. Cool.
I called the cemetery and spoke with a very nice lady. I said I had a little sister and I was very young when I lost her, can you help me find her? She asked me her birthday date and name. I knew those. Melanie Chantelle Smith. May 17,1976.

 "Ok I found her" she said. She gave me her plot number and her location site. It all seemed sorta lonely and sad, a lot number.

I found my sister. Now what? Do I go alone? Do I call my Dad and see if he wants to go with me?

 No.  I decided. I want, for the first time, to go with my new family. The people who are here as my family now. My older children, my friends, my new family.
I want to go on a road trip. We will rent a hotel. Have fun that Friday night, and on Saturday morning we will make our way over there.

We will find Melanie.

 Together.

Then we will fly a kite with her. Just like I did with Jason. Just like I would have if she lived.

Melanie, your big sister is on her way.

I found you.