Living. One day at a time.

Holy crap did I get depressed on Saturday.

It started out as a normal day. Woke up with Rebecca wet from peeing her pants because she has a antibiotic resistant bladder infection. She said she is out of pants. SIGH. I got up and stumbled into the bathroom to take a pee and noticed the seat was wet from her attempts to make it. I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the seat and peed. While I was taking care of business, Rebecca was standing in front of me, without pants and looking troubled.

"I'll find some pants,” I said with a yawn.
"I looked evweee where" she said.

I flushed, and started heading towards the laundry room. Baskets were every where. I had no idea what was clean and what was dirty, so I started with the sniff test. Sniff..smells stale, that's dirty. Sniff sniff smells like Bounce, must be fresh. I dug through the clean basket and found a pair of yoga pants that were wrinkled and ugly, oh well beggars can't be choosers. I slipped on a Pull Up and then slipped on her new pants.
"Fanks mommy" she chirped. "I'm hungry"
"Course you are"
I walk into the kitchen and it annoys me. Dishes in the sink, cupboards are sprinkled with drink mix, the floor has crumbs that are sticking to my bare feet. SIGH.

"I want fwosted fwakes pwease" says Beck.
"Aye Aye Sargent Beck"

"Don't call me that!!" She says.

"Fine"

I grab the Frosted Flakes and it is in the cupboard, empty. Perfect. Incoming war with a 4 year-old. ARGH. I grab the other box of cereal and it's empty too.

My eye starts to twitch.
Scrambled eggs it is. Open fridge.
No eggs.

Cheek muscles start to twitch.

"Ohhhhhhh. Mommy!!!" Beck cries. "I pooed my pants." She cries big sobs and is blushing from embarrassment.

"Oh no.." Even though I have dealt with everything possible with children I did sorta freeze for a second. Only one, but I froze.

Where to begin?

I went over to the wipes. Pulled down her pants, had her step out of them and began wiping what I could so I could transport her to the bathroom for a bath.

"Jooooooooonnnnnn" I now felt that two parents were necessary for this clean up. "Jon wake up!!"

Nothing.

"Jon wake up!!" Nothing still.

Picking up Beck, I carried her up the stairs to the bathroom and began running a bath. Do something my mind was saying. Be better. Make her feel better. Don't be crappy!
"Shhhhh shhhhh shhhhh. Rebecca. It's ok it was an accident. You just have an infection and you don't feel well. I wipe her tears and hold her to my heart. She wraps her arms around me and BANG. I can feel my body start to heat up with sadness. It starts from my chest and it warms my core and seeps like lava toward every inch of my body. I didn't want Rebecca to think I was crying because of her so I wiped my tears with my sleeve before I placed her in the tub. I threw in her favorite toys and ran downstairs to deal with the poopie pants.
Aiden was up.

"Hi Mom, Rebecca pooed her pants."
"I know."

"It's in my room"
"WHAT!!??" I hissed.

"Yeah I think she did it last night." He says while he shakes the empty boxes I left on the counter. "We're out of cereal"
" I know!" I yelled. " Where is the crap??!!"

"There is one right there" he says pointing to the one I am cleaning up " And one beside my bed. I'm hungry"

" JOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" I storm into the living room where Jon is sleeping. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP NOW!!!"

Jon startles out of sleep and comes slowly alert. " What??!! What...is ...going mmmmm"
" Rebecca has crapped herself, we are out of ALL food and I am homicidal. So wake up. What time did you go to bed last night??!!"
"I forget"

"Meaning you went to bed really late and I will be pissed if you told me!!!"
"Something like that" Jon yawns.

If ever I wanted to actually kill someone it was in that moment.

"Can you deal with Aiden and feed him? Go to the store and get some milk and cereal and some freaking coffee before I melt down and drown this whole family?"
"mmmmm k."

I ran upstairs and found Rebecca washing her hair with the body soap.

"No that's the wrong soap Rebecca,” I snap.

She starts to cry.

I start to cry again.

I wash her up and get her out of the tub, I dress her in a dress she had hanging in the closet and set about grabbing her clothes to wash her some for later. I open the washer and there are some clothes already in there and they stink. SIGH. I restart the load and throw the pants in with it.

I walk past the living room and Jon is still there sleeping. OH MY GOD I am actually going to kill him and go to jail and have a girlfriend named Burtha!!!

THAT'S IT!! I am going to my bed to cry and no one is going to stop me! My conscience kicks in and I go to the kitchen and grab some yogurt and spoons and put it on the table for the kids. I scan for bread for toast and find nothing so that will have to do while I cry upstairs.

I climbed into bed and covered my head and cried and cried and cried.

I fail at motherhood, I fail as a wife, and I fail as person!!!

So wanting to live feels like this??!! ARGH. I would rather eat cheese doodles and NOT feel than feel like this!!!

Suddenly the blankets shift and there is Rebecca's little face under it with me.

"You ok mum?"

"No, mommy is sad." I say simply.

"Me too. I have an owie" Rebecca states matter of factly.

"Me too." I sob.

"Do you have medicine too?"
"No. There isn't a medicine for Mommy's owie"

"Oh. I will kiss your owie better" And she kisses the top of my head.

Oh my god, kids smarter than us in so many ways!! My head was the owie. My head let me down again and let me think the worst of myself again. It took Rebecca pointing it out to me. Sure I won't be winning "Mother of the Year" any time soon but I don't totally suck. My kids are loved and well cared for. I want the best for them. I try hard everyday. I do the best I can.

Wife is another story. I can only accept responsibility for what is mine. He doesn't want to pull it together that is his deal. I refuse to nag, because it takes so much out of me.

 I didn't kill him.
 I am a good person.

He is living. One day at a time.

So am I.

(No husband was injured during the writing of this blog)