So as I get some of this fluffy out of my fluffy suit, I'm discovering I am becoming intolerant to bullcrap.
I am pissed off to be honest.
I hate that I can't tell people off the way I want to, I might hurt their feelings,and that would hurt me. Yet I constantly have people disregard my feelings and tell me off and I take it. I don't defend myself, I get nervous and the Town Idiot comes out to play. I joke off the pain and I let them walk away satisfied they took a dig at me.
You call me your friend??!! I call you my friend?
Why? Because of my fear of being left and alone?
Because telling you to go screw yourself might have you leave me for life?
I HAVE HAD PEOPLE LEAVE ME FOR LIFE AND I SURVIVED IT!!
I WILL SURVIVE IT AGAIN.
Counting on my fears to give you free range to treat me like shit, is a bullcrap thing to do. You are terrible to do this to me. You need to stop and think for a minute what you are doing, to me. Making me fearful, your friend your sister, someone that believes in you and goes out of her way to give you the respect you deserve. Although now I question, what you deserve from me.
I do have a voice, although I don't tell you off at the time of your insult, I do change my relationship with you. I stop calling, I stop commenting on your life, I stop giving a shit. It is my self defense against hurtful, selfish and mean people. I can't relate to you if that is who you are.
Tear down someone to gain ground? Disgusting. Selfish. You should be ashamed of yourself, I am ashamed of you.
You are no sister of mine.
You could fix this, you won't.
So I am fixing this.
Weeding my garden.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Music to live by.
Since I have been spending a lot of time on the treadmill, I had to come up with a playlist that would keep me motivated to stay on there. For the first couple weeks I didn't have music because my Ipod broke so I was left watching the tv screens in the gym. BTW WHY do they have The Food Network on the TV's??!! Do they think it is like having a carrot on a string for us Fuffies??!! Anywho, I got sick of that and invested in an Iphone and now my music is driving me towards a better body, mind and soul. Most of the music is quick paced and really makes me feel like moving, other songs just remind me of where I have come from and how wonderful it is to get back my life.
Here is a few examples of songs and the meaning they have to me.
Madonna - I'll Remember. This song, reminds me how far I have come. I can remember the people I lost and be thankful for what they gave me. I am standing on my own now, I've got it from here. Crying, although I am afraid to do it, because I may never stop, is something I rejoice in. It means I had something so wonderful, so beautiful that thinking of it, brings such emotion and such love, that I cry remembering it. I am lucky to have had that, I am lucky to continue receiving that.
.Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
I learned
to let go
of the illusion that we can possess
I learned
to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember
happiness
I'll remember [I'll remember]
Mmmmm... [I'll remember]
Mmmmm...
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
No I've never been afraid to cry
AND I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
Can't imagine running to that, good cuz I don't. That is a song that I walk to, to warm up my body, my mind, my heart.
Another song that moves me is Do You Remember- Jay Sean. I make this song as if Slim is singing it to Fluffy, and Fluffy sings back. Crap ok...um like this
This one right here is for all the ladies
Ladies who want to take it back
(i don't know what Sean Paul said)
Holler at them Jay
SLIM IS SAYING THIS:
I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back
FLUFFY RESPONDS:
So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
SLIM Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
SLIM:
Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
SLIM AND FLUFFY:
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back
Bring it back, get this body back to what is was, make new memories and both of us can make this happen. Crazy? Maybe. But man, it get me moving.
F**king Perfect - Pink. If you know me, you know I freaking love Pink. No playlist would be complete without Pink on the play list. This song is self explanitory
.Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around...
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fxxkin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fxxkin' perfect to me
You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fxxkin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuxxin' perfect to me
The world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere
They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less then, fxxkin' perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you're fxxkin' perfect, to me
You're perfect
You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less then, fxxking perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you're fxxking perfect to me
So ya, that is pretty much me in a nutshell. Sorry about the swears, but...ummm well, sometimes it has to happen.
Here is a few examples of songs and the meaning they have to me.
Madonna - I'll Remember. This song, reminds me how far I have come. I can remember the people I lost and be thankful for what they gave me. I am standing on my own now, I've got it from here. Crying, although I am afraid to do it, because I may never stop, is something I rejoice in. It means I had something so wonderful, so beautiful that thinking of it, brings such emotion and such love, that I cry remembering it. I am lucky to have had that, I am lucky to continue receiving that.
.Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
I learned
to let go
of the illusion that we can possess
I learned
to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember
happiness
I'll remember [I'll remember]
Mmmmm... [I'll remember]
Mmmmm...
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
No I've never been afraid to cry
AND I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember [I'll remember]
Can't imagine running to that, good cuz I don't. That is a song that I walk to, to warm up my body, my mind, my heart.
Another song that moves me is Do You Remember- Jay Sean. I make this song as if Slim is singing it to Fluffy, and Fluffy sings back. Crap ok...um like this
This one right here is for all the ladies
Ladies who want to take it back
(i don't know what Sean Paul said)
Holler at them Jay
SLIM IS SAYING THIS:
I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back
FLUFFY RESPONDS:
So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
SLIM Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
SLIM:
Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories
SLIM AND FLUFFY:
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back
Bring it back, get this body back to what is was, make new memories and both of us can make this happen. Crazy? Maybe. But man, it get me moving.
F**king Perfect - Pink. If you know me, you know I freaking love Pink. No playlist would be complete without Pink on the play list. This song is self explanitory
.Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around...
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fxxkin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fxxkin' perfect to me
You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fxxkin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuxxin' perfect to me
The world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere
They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less then, fxxkin' perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you're fxxkin' perfect, to me
You're perfect
You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less then, fxxking perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you're fxxking perfect to me
So ya, that is pretty much me in a nutshell. Sorry about the swears, but...ummm well, sometimes it has to happen.
Awakening
With all this research on health and nutrition I have discovered many things I never knew.
I had no idea what portion sizes were. I ate well over the natural potion sizes we ACTUALLY need. I always had this thing about taking enough so I wouldn't have to get back up and get more.
A fluffy person hates being seen eating most of the time, but to go up and get seconds...nightmare. So I learned to hoard my food so I would NEVER have to go up for seconds. ( I still did) Now, I am taking the proper portion, then relaxing enough to hear my body and how it feels about the food sitting inside my tummy and guess what?! I am full! EUREKA!
I learned I love to exercise, I want to hike and I look forward to getting back into some of my favorite sports. I love how amazing my body is at sports.
I have been logging my food and they are right, having a look at what you eat does make you accountable. I had no idea how many calories some foods have and more importantly for me, with my heart condition the sodium is unbelievable in the processed food. I am suppose to keep between 1000 to 1100 mg of Sodium a day and I have never been able to do it, because Sodium is everywhere and in everything. It is a silent killer too much sodium is like razor blades in your blood stream and slowly tears apart your system. Limiting it, has made me feel much better.
Every day is a baby step towards forever.
Peace.
I had no idea what portion sizes were. I ate well over the natural potion sizes we ACTUALLY need. I always had this thing about taking enough so I wouldn't have to get back up and get more.
A fluffy person hates being seen eating most of the time, but to go up and get seconds...nightmare. So I learned to hoard my food so I would NEVER have to go up for seconds. ( I still did) Now, I am taking the proper portion, then relaxing enough to hear my body and how it feels about the food sitting inside my tummy and guess what?! I am full! EUREKA!
I learned I love to exercise, I want to hike and I look forward to getting back into some of my favorite sports. I love how amazing my body is at sports.
I have been logging my food and they are right, having a look at what you eat does make you accountable. I had no idea how many calories some foods have and more importantly for me, with my heart condition the sodium is unbelievable in the processed food. I am suppose to keep between 1000 to 1100 mg of Sodium a day and I have never been able to do it, because Sodium is everywhere and in everything. It is a silent killer too much sodium is like razor blades in your blood stream and slowly tears apart your system. Limiting it, has made me feel much better.
Every day is a baby step towards forever.
Peace.
This is for me
I have said before and I will say again and again, every pound on my body is a pound of pain. I am not just working off the excess fat I am working off the excess baggage. Wanting to live again requires seeing all the positive things I'm here for. I also have to face and work out the fears and self hatred I have.
When I go to the gym it is the one thing in the world I do for myself. I go there for me, I am there for me, I'm accountable to only me. This is my personal journey, I write how it goes, I delegate this operation. So when people try to coordinate with me to go to the gym, I don't mind the company, but this is my time, and the company is mostly ignored. I can't be your coach your advisor or your companion. I am on that treadmill burning off all the years of sadness and loneliness and absolute fear. I cry often on that treadmill. I miss my old body, I love and respect this one and I run for my life. I RUN FOR MY LIFE.
This is my way of telling the people that go with me, that I am sorry if I am a little aloof. It isn't because I don't love and appreciate you and your courage to take on this journey. I am proud of you and I am excited for you. I want this for you too. However, I need to be in my own special place, inside my head, inside my heart and I need to work this out alone. So I am totally unaware of your journey beside me on that treadmill, your speeds, your incline, ect. I am only there for me.
Sorry.
No wait, I'm not sorry, I'm just doing it....my way.
Still love you though.
When I go to the gym it is the one thing in the world I do for myself. I go there for me, I am there for me, I'm accountable to only me. This is my personal journey, I write how it goes, I delegate this operation. So when people try to coordinate with me to go to the gym, I don't mind the company, but this is my time, and the company is mostly ignored. I can't be your coach your advisor or your companion. I am on that treadmill burning off all the years of sadness and loneliness and absolute fear. I cry often on that treadmill. I miss my old body, I love and respect this one and I run for my life. I RUN FOR MY LIFE.
This is my way of telling the people that go with me, that I am sorry if I am a little aloof. It isn't because I don't love and appreciate you and your courage to take on this journey. I am proud of you and I am excited for you. I want this for you too. However, I need to be in my own special place, inside my head, inside my heart and I need to work this out alone. So I am totally unaware of your journey beside me on that treadmill, your speeds, your incline, ect. I am only there for me.
Sorry.
No wait, I'm not sorry, I'm just doing it....my way.
Still love you though.
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