It goes by too fast.
Enjoy it.
Every parent in this room has heard this from some wizened old person and at the time we thought they were nuts. We smiled and nodded and wondered what senior home this person escaped from. They obviously need medication.
Your early years did eventually fly by. We had your first words, first step and your first visit from the tooth fairy. Inflation sure has hit the tooth fairy business. Let me tell ya. I used to get a quarter and a pack of gum. Now a day they get a down payment on a house and a shiny new bike. Another thing we learned raising you kids, is that toys are never stepped on at good times. The toy always hits the soft center part of your foot and you’re always in a hurry when it happens. Oh and it triggers homicidal thoughts in even the most sweet and patient parents among us.
Some how we all made it alive to the Kindergarten doors. Man, were we nervous. Some of you kids took off and never looked back, some of you clung to us and cried. We stood there looking at all those kids running around happy and excited and wondered did I give you enough to get though this tough place called elementary? Will you be ok with out me? Will you swear in class because I stepped on Lego last night. These questions were agonizing. So was watching you walk towards your teacher and wave goodbye. You came home that night and fell asleep watching Toy Story. That had never happened before. I guess sandbox and housekeeping stations took a lot out of you.
Elementary brought with it a whole new world for us all, homework, parent teacher interviews, home reading programs, sign this, sign that, lost my pencil case, lost my coat, Anyone know where the day planner went? You need how much for that field trip? Who called you a poop poop head? Are you a poo poo head? Well then let it go and find the day planner.
Sorry. I still have nightmares. Therapist says just a few more sessions.
We found ourselves saying things our parents used to say even though we swore we wouldn’t. Things like “you would lose your head if it wasn’t attached” “ A ride to school? When I was your age I used to walk up hill both ways in a blizzard and the classic “ Don’t make me come over there”
Soon we reached Junior High. I still have posttraumatic from it. Hormones, slamming doors, rolling eyes, zit cream, clothes with holes, pants that needed a belt and music with the base turned up so high my heart actually went in to defib. Google could have gone out of business because you guys knew it all. Some of you still do. Grades went up and down with the estrogen and test levels, and we didn’t bother bonding with your friends because the next day they would be your mortal enemy. We tried to have ”the talk” with you but you knew more than us and ended up slamming the door on our noses. You boys stopped talking and grunted a lot. Food was your main objective in life and girls your hair and makeup and cell phones made us wild.
Finally you had your mini graduation where you said goodbye to some of your friends and headed hormonal and happy towards High School.
Man your teachers earned their keep.
Thank God High School came.
You were starting to decide who you were and became someone we could relate to a little. You smiled more, laughed at our jokes and started becoming more like adults then children. You made decisions for your future, deciding what you wanted for yourself and you asked a lot of questions. Some of them we could answer because we knew, some of them we haven’t even figured out for ourselves yet.
Here we are on the steps of your last day of school and the same questions we had on your first day are there. Did we give you enough to make it through this world? Will you be ok without me? Will you take the Lego with you when you leave so I can retire the swear jar?
As we all sit here today graduates, we look back on this amazing journey and we are proud of you in this moment; your last day of childhood. Although our role as your parents will change, as we hand the reins of your life over to you, we will always be here to support you in decisions, cheer you on when your succeeding and hold you up when you make mistakes.
You’re only closing the first chapter in your life story. Peeking ahead there are so many chapters filled with great adventures, where you will fly on your own and do some amazing things.
So those little old people.
Who don’t look so old now.
They were right.
It did go by fast.
But you know what?
We did enjoy it.
Every single second.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Champions
Being a champion is a hard job. It takes courage and determination and you have to believe totally in the goal and make it happen no matter how hard it is.
In order for me to head towards a life worth living, I have had to be a champion to myself and I had to allow other champions to lead me towards a brighter future.
I am a champion. I still believe in the human spirit and I still want to help make things right for others. My life’s goal it to heal myself then work towards healing others.
To see the beauty in the world around me and to want to be a part of it, is the best gift I have given myself in my whole life. To feel optimistic and excited for my future is amazing and to see the potential in others and believe in them is exhilarating.
I wish this upon everyone.
Right now 6 of my champions are struggling. They are going through some life changing growing pains and it hurts me to watch it. I remember feeling those pains. I still get those pains from time to time, but the changes that will come from feeling these things, will impact their life for the better.
Making stretch marks on your heart means your going to have a life-time scar on it but it's going to be bigger, better and stronger than it was before.
Although you’re an amazing champion already, there is always room for improvements and going through what your going through is the best way to head towards your greatest good.
Champions, I wish I could be your champion and save you from your pain, your grief and your depression but I can’t. No one could have saved me from it either.
I can only let you know that I believe in you. I know you will come out of this; I will be there to help you get out of this, but you are in charge of your growth and if I carry you the whole way you won’t blossom. It’s hard to not jump in and take control and save you from mistakes, but when I see how mistakes grew me into a more loving, strong and determined woman I want that for you.
Because I love you. Because you have given me so much of yourself. I am giving you the best of me and that is what I have learned.
I needed to fall. I needed to have all this pain in order to be a champion for you.
You need to fall.
I am here to pick you up, I am here to believe in you. I am here to remind you of the best in you, so we can help you up, dust you off and build you up from scratch.
So you can begin to climb your way to the top and meet me there.
Just like you did for me.
Just like your doing for me.
In order for me to head towards a life worth living, I have had to be a champion to myself and I had to allow other champions to lead me towards a brighter future.
I am a champion. I still believe in the human spirit and I still want to help make things right for others. My life’s goal it to heal myself then work towards healing others.
To see the beauty in the world around me and to want to be a part of it, is the best gift I have given myself in my whole life. To feel optimistic and excited for my future is amazing and to see the potential in others and believe in them is exhilarating.
I wish this upon everyone.
Right now 6 of my champions are struggling. They are going through some life changing growing pains and it hurts me to watch it. I remember feeling those pains. I still get those pains from time to time, but the changes that will come from feeling these things, will impact their life for the better.
Making stretch marks on your heart means your going to have a life-time scar on it but it's going to be bigger, better and stronger than it was before.
Although you’re an amazing champion already, there is always room for improvements and going through what your going through is the best way to head towards your greatest good.
Champions, I wish I could be your champion and save you from your pain, your grief and your depression but I can’t. No one could have saved me from it either.
I can only let you know that I believe in you. I know you will come out of this; I will be there to help you get out of this, but you are in charge of your growth and if I carry you the whole way you won’t blossom. It’s hard to not jump in and take control and save you from mistakes, but when I see how mistakes grew me into a more loving, strong and determined woman I want that for you.
Because I love you. Because you have given me so much of yourself. I am giving you the best of me and that is what I have learned.
I needed to fall. I needed to have all this pain in order to be a champion for you.
You need to fall.
I am here to pick you up, I am here to believe in you. I am here to remind you of the best in you, so we can help you up, dust you off and build you up from scratch.
So you can begin to climb your way to the top and meet me there.
Just like you did for me.
Just like your doing for me.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Our Story. Toy Story.
I just got off the phone with my daughter Amanda. We were talking about Toy Story 3 that just went into theaters. I asked what she thought of it and she told me she cried.
"Oh no!" I said "How come? Is it too sad for children?"
"No" Amanda said. "It's the last movie from my favorite childhood movie."
Oh. Right.
I looked up the original Toy Story and realized that it came out in 1995. Trevor was 5 and Amanda was 3. Melanie was born that year. Yes, my kids grew up watching that movie all most every day. Woody, Buzz and the gang kept my life sane when I couldn't take the fighting and the noise anymore. I would put that VHS tape in the machine and get a couple hours of quiet. My kids all had their favorite part in the movie. Trevor loved it when Buzz was acting drunk after he realized he was just a toy and says "I'm Missus Nezbit. See the hat? See the tea? I 'm Missus Nezbit". They would rewind it over and over again and laugh every time. One year I even put on his birthday cake, Happy Birthday Missus Nesbit. LOL.
Amanda was a huge fan of Rex. Everything he said would make her giggle. When he was practicing his roar to see if it was scary, Amanda would look over at me and say "Mommy he isn't scary is he?" Then she would laugh.
Melanie would watch the bright colors of the screen and just babble and drool. She never fussed during that movie. I guess even at 1 or 2 she knew it was amazing enough to be quiet and listen.
10 years later when the kids were teens they still watched Toy Story. They still laughed at the same things with their younger siblings and pointed out all the great parts to watch for. They now had Toy Story 2 to watch but they still loved the original the best. We had coloring books, sheet sets, and McDonald toys of these characters throughout our house all those years. OMG I just started crying.
Having Toy Story end it's run is a little sad for this family. Amanda graduating the same year is sad too. She feels like everything happened too fast and she can't believe that her favorite things are ending.
Toy Story.
Her Childhood.
Although her childhood is on its last few days there are so many adventures awaiting her at the beginning of her adult journey. There is your first full time job, your first home, marriage, traveling and so many things that she should be excited about. It will be hard and challenging and exciting but it will be just as amazing as her childhood.
And.
One day. (Hopefully not toooo soon)
She will put Toy Story in for her children. Her children will have their favorite parts. She will laugh with them and point out the best parts to watch for. She will have Toy Story stuff all over her house.
And Toy Story will come alive again.
"Oh no!" I said "How come? Is it too sad for children?"
"No" Amanda said. "It's the last movie from my favorite childhood movie."
Oh. Right.
I looked up the original Toy Story and realized that it came out in 1995. Trevor was 5 and Amanda was 3. Melanie was born that year. Yes, my kids grew up watching that movie all most every day. Woody, Buzz and the gang kept my life sane when I couldn't take the fighting and the noise anymore. I would put that VHS tape in the machine and get a couple hours of quiet. My kids all had their favorite part in the movie. Trevor loved it when Buzz was acting drunk after he realized he was just a toy and says "I'm Missus Nezbit. See the hat? See the tea? I 'm Missus Nezbit". They would rewind it over and over again and laugh every time. One year I even put on his birthday cake, Happy Birthday Missus Nesbit. LOL.
Amanda was a huge fan of Rex. Everything he said would make her giggle. When he was practicing his roar to see if it was scary, Amanda would look over at me and say "Mommy he isn't scary is he?" Then she would laugh.
Melanie would watch the bright colors of the screen and just babble and drool. She never fussed during that movie. I guess even at 1 or 2 she knew it was amazing enough to be quiet and listen.
10 years later when the kids were teens they still watched Toy Story. They still laughed at the same things with their younger siblings and pointed out all the great parts to watch for. They now had Toy Story 2 to watch but they still loved the original the best. We had coloring books, sheet sets, and McDonald toys of these characters throughout our house all those years. OMG I just started crying.
Having Toy Story end it's run is a little sad for this family. Amanda graduating the same year is sad too. She feels like everything happened too fast and she can't believe that her favorite things are ending.
Toy Story.
Her Childhood.
Although her childhood is on its last few days there are so many adventures awaiting her at the beginning of her adult journey. There is your first full time job, your first home, marriage, traveling and so many things that she should be excited about. It will be hard and challenging and exciting but it will be just as amazing as her childhood.
And.
One day. (Hopefully not toooo soon)
She will put Toy Story in for her children. Her children will have their favorite parts. She will laugh with them and point out the best parts to watch for. She will have Toy Story stuff all over her house.
And Toy Story will come alive again.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Getting older and wiser.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore..
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.
(If I feel like it).
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore..
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.
(If I feel like it).
Friday, June 18, 2010
Here we go!!
So I was stuck in traffic on Deerfoot again, and my mind began to wonder.
"I need passion" My mind said. "You can't do anything without it. So find your Bliss."
Where do you find your passion and bliss? I guess you should take things your good at and do something with it.
Ok.
So what am I good at?
What comes natural to me?
Well I am funny, I can speak in public, and I can captivate an audience with my ability to tell a story. I understand people and love to cheer them on.
So.
What do you do with that?
Then suddenly it hit me. HARD. I have always been passionate about people. I have empathy and an understanding that could only come from living this life. I truly want the best for everyone. I wish I could help everyone, but my work, my life and my health can't keep up. How can I take my God given talents and do what gives me passion?
Then it came to me. I will become that Wolfsheep I talked about in a previous Blog and stand up and advocate for people like me. People that are suffering and sad and pretending to be ok when they clearly are not. I will stand up for them and do it with my passion, my own experience, and my Bliss. I will fight to help heal people enough so they can stop eating to self-sooth, stop eating to fill a hole left from grief, stop harming themselves to numb the pain they are hiding.
Fluffy Flawed and Funny will first become a book, and where it goes from there only time will tell.
All self help books and books on weight loss are stuck on the fact that you need to stop eating and doing nothing to have weight loss. Ok we know that. What we don't know is how to stop the fear, loneliness and heartache that have us reaching for food to full us up with something. We need to examine why we became fluffy in the first place and heal it. Own it. Forgive it and change it.
Obesity is the only addiction left that doesn't have a program to stop it.
I want to be the first to make that program. I will then spread the word and hopefully start helping people by believing in them and helping them recover.
"You can't be thin until you heal what is within."
Yes. I will be tradmarking that.
Really there isn't a difference between drugs and alcohol and eating. ALL of these are to self medicate. ALL of these are horrible for your health and ALL of these are caused by the need to run away from what is inside you.
I am a classic example.
This isn't about how to make you thin; it’s about making you happy and teaching you to find your bliss. Once you have that, your need for drugs and food will go away.
So everybody, I will be opening myself up for this experiment. I am going to heal myself and get to a place where am in Bliss. This project has given me more passion then...ANYTHING.
Even a cheese doodle.
I’ve found my niche. Now I have to run with it and see what happens. There is a good chance this won't work, but with my heart and soul in this project, I know I will achieve something very magical.
My whole life has lead to this moment.
At my brothers funeral someone said to me." God must have wanted something amazing from you to take Jason."
I was furious. "Oh yeah God! You took him from me to get something out of me. Well I refuse! I won't do this. I won't do anything. I would have done so much more with him than without him. You'll see!!"
I was wrong.
I see that now. If I had never lost Jason. If I never lost my mom, my friends, my children, I would never have learned to care about the human spirit. I wouldn't have the empathy and determination to find my passion. I wouldn't have understood running away from pain and fear and failure.
I wouldn't be fluffy flawed and funny.
"I need passion" My mind said. "You can't do anything without it. So find your Bliss."
Where do you find your passion and bliss? I guess you should take things your good at and do something with it.
Ok.
So what am I good at?
What comes natural to me?
Well I am funny, I can speak in public, and I can captivate an audience with my ability to tell a story. I understand people and love to cheer them on.
So.
What do you do with that?
Then suddenly it hit me. HARD. I have always been passionate about people. I have empathy and an understanding that could only come from living this life. I truly want the best for everyone. I wish I could help everyone, but my work, my life and my health can't keep up. How can I take my God given talents and do what gives me passion?
Then it came to me. I will become that Wolfsheep I talked about in a previous Blog and stand up and advocate for people like me. People that are suffering and sad and pretending to be ok when they clearly are not. I will stand up for them and do it with my passion, my own experience, and my Bliss. I will fight to help heal people enough so they can stop eating to self-sooth, stop eating to fill a hole left from grief, stop harming themselves to numb the pain they are hiding.
Fluffy Flawed and Funny will first become a book, and where it goes from there only time will tell.
All self help books and books on weight loss are stuck on the fact that you need to stop eating and doing nothing to have weight loss. Ok we know that. What we don't know is how to stop the fear, loneliness and heartache that have us reaching for food to full us up with something. We need to examine why we became fluffy in the first place and heal it. Own it. Forgive it and change it.
Obesity is the only addiction left that doesn't have a program to stop it.
I want to be the first to make that program. I will then spread the word and hopefully start helping people by believing in them and helping them recover.
"You can't be thin until you heal what is within."
Yes. I will be tradmarking that.
Really there isn't a difference between drugs and alcohol and eating. ALL of these are to self medicate. ALL of these are horrible for your health and ALL of these are caused by the need to run away from what is inside you.
I am a classic example.
This isn't about how to make you thin; it’s about making you happy and teaching you to find your bliss. Once you have that, your need for drugs and food will go away.
So everybody, I will be opening myself up for this experiment. I am going to heal myself and get to a place where am in Bliss. This project has given me more passion then...ANYTHING.
Even a cheese doodle.
I’ve found my niche. Now I have to run with it and see what happens. There is a good chance this won't work, but with my heart and soul in this project, I know I will achieve something very magical.
My whole life has lead to this moment.
At my brothers funeral someone said to me." God must have wanted something amazing from you to take Jason."
I was furious. "Oh yeah God! You took him from me to get something out of me. Well I refuse! I won't do this. I won't do anything. I would have done so much more with him than without him. You'll see!!"
I was wrong.
I see that now. If I had never lost Jason. If I never lost my mom, my friends, my children, I would never have learned to care about the human spirit. I wouldn't have the empathy and determination to find my passion. I wouldn't have understood running away from pain and fear and failure.
I wouldn't be fluffy flawed and funny.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Living. One day at a time.
Holy crap did I get depressed on Saturday.
It started out as a normal day. Woke up with Rebecca wet from peeing her pants because she has a antibiotic resistant bladder infection. She said she is out of pants. SIGH. I got up and stumbled into the bathroom to take a pee and noticed the seat was wet from her attempts to make it. I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the seat and peed. While I was taking care of business, Rebecca was standing in front of me, without pants and looking troubled.
"I'll find some pants,” I said with a yawn.
"I looked evweee where" she said.
I flushed, and started heading towards the laundry room. Baskets were every where. I had no idea what was clean and what was dirty, so I started with the sniff test. Sniff..smells stale, that's dirty. Sniff sniff smells like Bounce, must be fresh. I dug through the clean basket and found a pair of yoga pants that were wrinkled and ugly, oh well beggars can't be choosers. I slipped on a Pull Up and then slipped on her new pants.
"Fanks mommy" she chirped. "I'm hungry"
"Course you are"
I walk into the kitchen and it annoys me. Dishes in the sink, cupboards are sprinkled with drink mix, the floor has crumbs that are sticking to my bare feet. SIGH.
"I want fwosted fwakes pwease" says Beck.
"Aye Aye Sargent Beck"
"Don't call me that!!" She says.
"Fine"
I grab the Frosted Flakes and it is in the cupboard, empty. Perfect. Incoming war with a 4 year-old. ARGH. I grab the other box of cereal and it's empty too.
My eye starts to twitch.
Scrambled eggs it is. Open fridge.
No eggs.
Cheek muscles start to twitch.
"Ohhhhhhh. Mommy!!!" Beck cries. "I pooed my pants." She cries big sobs and is blushing from embarrassment.
"Oh no.." Even though I have dealt with everything possible with children I did sorta freeze for a second. Only one, but I froze.
Where to begin?
I went over to the wipes. Pulled down her pants, had her step out of them and began wiping what I could so I could transport her to the bathroom for a bath.
"Jooooooooonnnnnn" I now felt that two parents were necessary for this clean up. "Jon wake up!!"
Nothing.
"Jon wake up!!" Nothing still.
Picking up Beck, I carried her up the stairs to the bathroom and began running a bath. Do something my mind was saying. Be better. Make her feel better. Don't be crappy!
"Shhhhh shhhhh shhhhh. Rebecca. It's ok it was an accident. You just have an infection and you don't feel well. I wipe her tears and hold her to my heart. She wraps her arms around me and BANG. I can feel my body start to heat up with sadness. It starts from my chest and it warms my core and seeps like lava toward every inch of my body. I didn't want Rebecca to think I was crying because of her so I wiped my tears with my sleeve before I placed her in the tub. I threw in her favorite toys and ran downstairs to deal with the poopie pants.
Aiden was up.
"Hi Mom, Rebecca pooed her pants."
"I know."
"It's in my room"
"WHAT!!??" I hissed.
"Yeah I think she did it last night." He says while he shakes the empty boxes I left on the counter. "We're out of cereal"
" I know!" I yelled. " Where is the crap??!!"
"There is one right there" he says pointing to the one I am cleaning up " And one beside my bed. I'm hungry"
" JOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" I storm into the living room where Jon is sleeping. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP NOW!!!"
Jon startles out of sleep and comes slowly alert. " What??!! What...is ...going mmmmm"
" Rebecca has crapped herself, we are out of ALL food and I am homicidal. So wake up. What time did you go to bed last night??!!"
"I forget"
"Meaning you went to bed really late and I will be pissed if you told me!!!"
"Something like that" Jon yawns.
If ever I wanted to actually kill someone it was in that moment.
"Can you deal with Aiden and feed him? Go to the store and get some milk and cereal and some freaking coffee before I melt down and drown this whole family?"
"mmmmm k."
I ran upstairs and found Rebecca washing her hair with the body soap.
"No that's the wrong soap Rebecca,” I snap.
She starts to cry.
I start to cry again.
I wash her up and get her out of the tub, I dress her in a dress she had hanging in the closet and set about grabbing her clothes to wash her some for later. I open the washer and there are some clothes already in there and they stink. SIGH. I restart the load and throw the pants in with it.
I walk past the living room and Jon is still there sleeping. OH MY GOD I am actually going to kill him and go to jail and have a girlfriend named Burtha!!!
THAT'S IT!! I am going to my bed to cry and no one is going to stop me! My conscience kicks in and I go to the kitchen and grab some yogurt and spoons and put it on the table for the kids. I scan for bread for toast and find nothing so that will have to do while I cry upstairs.
I climbed into bed and covered my head and cried and cried and cried.
I fail at motherhood, I fail as a wife, and I fail as person!!!
So wanting to live feels like this??!! ARGH. I would rather eat cheese doodles and NOT feel than feel like this!!!
Suddenly the blankets shift and there is Rebecca's little face under it with me.
"You ok mum?"
"No, mommy is sad." I say simply.
"Me too. I have an owie" Rebecca states matter of factly.
"Me too." I sob.
"Do you have medicine too?"
"No. There isn't a medicine for Mommy's owie"
"Oh. I will kiss your owie better" And she kisses the top of my head.
Oh my god, kids smarter than us in so many ways!! My head was the owie. My head let me down again and let me think the worst of myself again. It took Rebecca pointing it out to me. Sure I won't be winning "Mother of the Year" any time soon but I don't totally suck. My kids are loved and well cared for. I want the best for them. I try hard everyday. I do the best I can.
Wife is another story. I can only accept responsibility for what is mine. He doesn't want to pull it together that is his deal. I refuse to nag, because it takes so much out of me.
I didn't kill him.
I am a good person.
He is living. One day at a time.
So am I.
(No husband was injured during the writing of this blog)
It started out as a normal day. Woke up with Rebecca wet from peeing her pants because she has a antibiotic resistant bladder infection. She said she is out of pants. SIGH. I got up and stumbled into the bathroom to take a pee and noticed the seat was wet from her attempts to make it. I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the seat and peed. While I was taking care of business, Rebecca was standing in front of me, without pants and looking troubled.
"I'll find some pants,” I said with a yawn.
"I looked evweee where" she said.
I flushed, and started heading towards the laundry room. Baskets were every where. I had no idea what was clean and what was dirty, so I started with the sniff test. Sniff..smells stale, that's dirty. Sniff sniff smells like Bounce, must be fresh. I dug through the clean basket and found a pair of yoga pants that were wrinkled and ugly, oh well beggars can't be choosers. I slipped on a Pull Up and then slipped on her new pants.
"Fanks mommy" she chirped. "I'm hungry"
"Course you are"
I walk into the kitchen and it annoys me. Dishes in the sink, cupboards are sprinkled with drink mix, the floor has crumbs that are sticking to my bare feet. SIGH.
"I want fwosted fwakes pwease" says Beck.
"Aye Aye Sargent Beck"
"Don't call me that!!" She says.
"Fine"
I grab the Frosted Flakes and it is in the cupboard, empty. Perfect. Incoming war with a 4 year-old. ARGH. I grab the other box of cereal and it's empty too.
My eye starts to twitch.
Scrambled eggs it is. Open fridge.
No eggs.
Cheek muscles start to twitch.
"Ohhhhhhh. Mommy!!!" Beck cries. "I pooed my pants." She cries big sobs and is blushing from embarrassment.
"Oh no.." Even though I have dealt with everything possible with children I did sorta freeze for a second. Only one, but I froze.
Where to begin?
I went over to the wipes. Pulled down her pants, had her step out of them and began wiping what I could so I could transport her to the bathroom for a bath.
"Jooooooooonnnnnn" I now felt that two parents were necessary for this clean up. "Jon wake up!!"
Nothing.
"Jon wake up!!" Nothing still.
Picking up Beck, I carried her up the stairs to the bathroom and began running a bath. Do something my mind was saying. Be better. Make her feel better. Don't be crappy!
"Shhhhh shhhhh shhhhh. Rebecca. It's ok it was an accident. You just have an infection and you don't feel well. I wipe her tears and hold her to my heart. She wraps her arms around me and BANG. I can feel my body start to heat up with sadness. It starts from my chest and it warms my core and seeps like lava toward every inch of my body. I didn't want Rebecca to think I was crying because of her so I wiped my tears with my sleeve before I placed her in the tub. I threw in her favorite toys and ran downstairs to deal with the poopie pants.
Aiden was up.
"Hi Mom, Rebecca pooed her pants."
"I know."
"It's in my room"
"WHAT!!??" I hissed.
"Yeah I think she did it last night." He says while he shakes the empty boxes I left on the counter. "We're out of cereal"
" I know!" I yelled. " Where is the crap??!!"
"There is one right there" he says pointing to the one I am cleaning up " And one beside my bed. I'm hungry"
" JOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" I storm into the living room where Jon is sleeping. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP NOW!!!"
Jon startles out of sleep and comes slowly alert. " What??!! What...is ...going mmmmm"
" Rebecca has crapped herself, we are out of ALL food and I am homicidal. So wake up. What time did you go to bed last night??!!"
"I forget"
"Meaning you went to bed really late and I will be pissed if you told me!!!"
"Something like that" Jon yawns.
If ever I wanted to actually kill someone it was in that moment.
"Can you deal with Aiden and feed him? Go to the store and get some milk and cereal and some freaking coffee before I melt down and drown this whole family?"
"mmmmm k."
I ran upstairs and found Rebecca washing her hair with the body soap.
"No that's the wrong soap Rebecca,” I snap.
She starts to cry.
I start to cry again.
I wash her up and get her out of the tub, I dress her in a dress she had hanging in the closet and set about grabbing her clothes to wash her some for later. I open the washer and there are some clothes already in there and they stink. SIGH. I restart the load and throw the pants in with it.
I walk past the living room and Jon is still there sleeping. OH MY GOD I am actually going to kill him and go to jail and have a girlfriend named Burtha!!!
THAT'S IT!! I am going to my bed to cry and no one is going to stop me! My conscience kicks in and I go to the kitchen and grab some yogurt and spoons and put it on the table for the kids. I scan for bread for toast and find nothing so that will have to do while I cry upstairs.
I climbed into bed and covered my head and cried and cried and cried.
I fail at motherhood, I fail as a wife, and I fail as person!!!
So wanting to live feels like this??!! ARGH. I would rather eat cheese doodles and NOT feel than feel like this!!!
Suddenly the blankets shift and there is Rebecca's little face under it with me.
"You ok mum?"
"No, mommy is sad." I say simply.
"Me too. I have an owie" Rebecca states matter of factly.
"Me too." I sob.
"Do you have medicine too?"
"No. There isn't a medicine for Mommy's owie"
"Oh. I will kiss your owie better" And she kisses the top of my head.
Oh my god, kids smarter than us in so many ways!! My head was the owie. My head let me down again and let me think the worst of myself again. It took Rebecca pointing it out to me. Sure I won't be winning "Mother of the Year" any time soon but I don't totally suck. My kids are loved and well cared for. I want the best for them. I try hard everyday. I do the best I can.
Wife is another story. I can only accept responsibility for what is mine. He doesn't want to pull it together that is his deal. I refuse to nag, because it takes so much out of me.
I didn't kill him.
I am a good person.
He is living. One day at a time.
So am I.
(No husband was injured during the writing of this blog)
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