Happy Birthday Mom!!
Birthday. The day you were born, was one of the luckiest days for many lives.
This year for your birthday I am giving you something you have always wanted for me, happiness, contentment and living a great life. I am raising my kids with love and devotion, like you did and I will pass down your legacy of strength, love and loyalty. I will live my best life because you gave me all the tools I need to make wise choices towards a brighter future.
Not gonna lie I miss you everyday and miss you running this helm. Life was sure easier when you took care of us all. I was sure terrified when I was left in charge, I wasn't sure I would make the right choices for everyone, I didn't think I had it in me to be the person that made everything happen, to monitor everyone and make sure they were happy and safe. It took me a while to get my groove but I did it. I stepped into your little shoes and held up this family with everything I had and I am still holding strong.
Very strong.
Like you.
Happy 60th Birthday Mom, thank you for choosing us as your family and Thank You for making such a difference in my life.
I love you
Raquel
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Um...Slim?
Hey Slim,
Where did you go?
Come on...Dad didn't mean it. He is hurting too. He doesn't like being left, so when T left for Christmas he was raw. Look it isn't right that he took it out on us but if anyone is going to stand up to him and tell him the truth about us...it should be you. Strong, beautiful and willful you.
Yes, we have been perceived as an idiot, ummm..ok that was me at the helm, I don't like confrontation. You thrive on it. Maybe we can meet in the middle and not fight with Dad but maybe stand up for ourselves with love and clarity. I will keep us calm, you will rile us up. The one thing that we have to agree on, is that we are worth fighting for.
Enough of taking personal attacks. Enough being the clown so people aren't mean to us. Enough self loathing, anger and depression. We have had enough. We have the right to a peaceful existence, just like everyone else. The only difference is, we trained people to think it is OK to treat us like unworthy crap and now we have to re-train them to be respectful and compassionate, because I need compassion. Lots of it.
So do you.
Trust your great pal Fluffy, we will fix this.
Together.
Where did you go?
Come on...Dad didn't mean it. He is hurting too. He doesn't like being left, so when T left for Christmas he was raw. Look it isn't right that he took it out on us but if anyone is going to stand up to him and tell him the truth about us...it should be you. Strong, beautiful and willful you.
Yes, we have been perceived as an idiot, ummm..ok that was me at the helm, I don't like confrontation. You thrive on it. Maybe we can meet in the middle and not fight with Dad but maybe stand up for ourselves with love and clarity. I will keep us calm, you will rile us up. The one thing that we have to agree on, is that we are worth fighting for.
Enough of taking personal attacks. Enough being the clown so people aren't mean to us. Enough self loathing, anger and depression. We have had enough. We have the right to a peaceful existence, just like everyone else. The only difference is, we trained people to think it is OK to treat us like unworthy crap and now we have to re-train them to be respectful and compassionate, because I need compassion. Lots of it.
So do you.
Trust your great pal Fluffy, we will fix this.
Together.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The soul scar
Be positive.
OK...I can do this.
Through exploring myself, I have found someone worthy of love, and I'm in the process of giving that love now. However, there are people that only know me as the loser, and changing their opinions is becoming a daunting task. I know that most of the information they have, I fed to them. I degraded myself, I let false assumptions live and never defended myself, because I truly believed, in my heart and soul that I was a loser. I was ashamed of myself, I knew what people thought and I agreed with them, although it wasn't the total truth, and they didn't have the whole story, I figured I deserved the "shame on you" looks, the eye rolls and the tsking of tongues.
But now, because I am falling in love with myself, I want more for me. I want to give myself protection, to save me from judgement, to stand up and stomp my foot and say "You don't have it right!" I want to tell my story to those few people that don't know me anymore, and let them at least have the full story before they decide to say mean things and off cuff comments about my character.
I just don't know where to begin, I don't know how to tell my story without sounding like I am making excuses. I own my mistakes, fully. I don't need to be reminded of them, they are soul scar with permanent reminders. I don't need to be reminded that I hurt a lot of people, I don't need a reminder that I was selfish, inconsiderate and wrong. I live with my mistakes...everyday, and if it makes these people feel better...I hurt from these mistakes too.
The person that thinks I am a loser the most is my Dad. To this day he doesn't think I'm too much. He doesn't trust me with anything because I will probably screw it up. If I am late, it's typical, if I make any mistakes it's because I don't think or use my head. I am terrified of disappointing my Dad and because in everything I do, I disappoint him. I usually hide from him and try to figure things out for myself, I feel so ashamed when I let him down, because I have done so, so many times. I just want him to be proud of me, to assume I am thinking and using my head, that I am special and wonderful and a survivor...like him. I really think that now, I am someone he could be proud of, if he only knew me.
He doesn't know that I have done some pretty amazing things with my life, weathered some pretty harsh storms alone, fought for my kids, educated myself, been accountable to my children and repaired many broken bridges. I stood up for myself against many disasters, I did this without anyone to sound off to, without a mother, without a sibling and without a Dad.
I have a loving home, where my kids are loved and cherished even if they make mistakes, I have a loving husband that understands me and adores my kids. I work full-time with a large family and home to take care of and even though it isn't perfectly clean and orderly it is the best I can do.
Everyday I do the best I can do.
I am someone to be proud of. I'm sweet, loving, caring, compassionate, strong, resilient and smart and it is a shame that the only surviving member of my first family doesn't know that....or may never know that. I'm too afraid to tell him that, because I'm afraid he will re-introduce me to the loser he knows, and I can't face that anymore. It crumbles me, makes my soul scars burn, makes me eat and trash myself to make his opinion true, and getting up over and over again is getting too hard. I want to get up and stay up this time.
I question why he can't see who I am now, and the answer is this, if he allows himself to see, my mistakes and the reasons why I made them, he would have to see his part in the whole story. He would have to see why I hid everything from him, why I ran away from him, why I searched for his replacement and fell short, why I'm afraid of his judgement, why I was a loser and take ownership of it and reconcile it within himself. He would have to see his own flaws, his own mistakes and the daughter he let down.
It is said that the people you dislike the most, are the ones that remind you of the things you don't like about yourself, and I can see that with my dad. He doesn't like seeing himself in me, so he lashes out at the reminder of his own mistakes. I am the only survivor of his mistakes.
The past. The present.
I am his soul scar.
I wish I could tell him, that his mistakes are forgiven, we can just start over, love better now, talk now, forgive now and be the balm for each others scars. We have time to repair this relationship, but both of us are afraid of facing the facts and the impact, our mistakes made to each other. Maybe we both don't understand the consequences our actions had on the other person. Maybe facing that is too hard for both of us.
Maybe we can't fix our soul scars.
I wish we could.
OK...I can do this.
Through exploring myself, I have found someone worthy of love, and I'm in the process of giving that love now. However, there are people that only know me as the loser, and changing their opinions is becoming a daunting task. I know that most of the information they have, I fed to them. I degraded myself, I let false assumptions live and never defended myself, because I truly believed, in my heart and soul that I was a loser. I was ashamed of myself, I knew what people thought and I agreed with them, although it wasn't the total truth, and they didn't have the whole story, I figured I deserved the "shame on you" looks, the eye rolls and the tsking of tongues.
But now, because I am falling in love with myself, I want more for me. I want to give myself protection, to save me from judgement, to stand up and stomp my foot and say "You don't have it right!" I want to tell my story to those few people that don't know me anymore, and let them at least have the full story before they decide to say mean things and off cuff comments about my character.
I just don't know where to begin, I don't know how to tell my story without sounding like I am making excuses. I own my mistakes, fully. I don't need to be reminded of them, they are soul scar with permanent reminders. I don't need to be reminded that I hurt a lot of people, I don't need a reminder that I was selfish, inconsiderate and wrong. I live with my mistakes...everyday, and if it makes these people feel better...I hurt from these mistakes too.
The person that thinks I am a loser the most is my Dad. To this day he doesn't think I'm too much. He doesn't trust me with anything because I will probably screw it up. If I am late, it's typical, if I make any mistakes it's because I don't think or use my head. I am terrified of disappointing my Dad and because in everything I do, I disappoint him. I usually hide from him and try to figure things out for myself, I feel so ashamed when I let him down, because I have done so, so many times. I just want him to be proud of me, to assume I am thinking and using my head, that I am special and wonderful and a survivor...like him. I really think that now, I am someone he could be proud of, if he only knew me.
He doesn't know that I have done some pretty amazing things with my life, weathered some pretty harsh storms alone, fought for my kids, educated myself, been accountable to my children and repaired many broken bridges. I stood up for myself against many disasters, I did this without anyone to sound off to, without a mother, without a sibling and without a Dad.
I have a loving home, where my kids are loved and cherished even if they make mistakes, I have a loving husband that understands me and adores my kids. I work full-time with a large family and home to take care of and even though it isn't perfectly clean and orderly it is the best I can do.
Everyday I do the best I can do.
I am someone to be proud of. I'm sweet, loving, caring, compassionate, strong, resilient and smart and it is a shame that the only surviving member of my first family doesn't know that....or may never know that. I'm too afraid to tell him that, because I'm afraid he will re-introduce me to the loser he knows, and I can't face that anymore. It crumbles me, makes my soul scars burn, makes me eat and trash myself to make his opinion true, and getting up over and over again is getting too hard. I want to get up and stay up this time.
I question why he can't see who I am now, and the answer is this, if he allows himself to see, my mistakes and the reasons why I made them, he would have to see his part in the whole story. He would have to see why I hid everything from him, why I ran away from him, why I searched for his replacement and fell short, why I'm afraid of his judgement, why I was a loser and take ownership of it and reconcile it within himself. He would have to see his own flaws, his own mistakes and the daughter he let down.
It is said that the people you dislike the most, are the ones that remind you of the things you don't like about yourself, and I can see that with my dad. He doesn't like seeing himself in me, so he lashes out at the reminder of his own mistakes. I am the only survivor of his mistakes.
The past. The present.
I am his soul scar.
I wish I could tell him, that his mistakes are forgiven, we can just start over, love better now, talk now, forgive now and be the balm for each others scars. We have time to repair this relationship, but both of us are afraid of facing the facts and the impact, our mistakes made to each other. Maybe we both don't understand the consequences our actions had on the other person. Maybe facing that is too hard for both of us.
Maybe we can't fix our soul scars.
I wish we could.
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