Lately I have been carpooling with my friend Mike, my health has made me unable to drive so Erin, Mike's wife and one of my sisters, suggested Mike and I carpool. I was sure thankful.
During our first week of carpool, Mike would have on either a comedy CD or music that he really appreciated and it was nice because I was feeling so crappy and the comedy and music made it feel better.
The next week I was starting to feel a little better and we talked a little. I'm mostly the talker and Mike is a great listener, he always adds in something funny and we laugh at each others antics.
Lately, mostly because of how good I'm starting to feel, I have been sharing some of the funniest moments of my life, and of course those all involve my brother Jason. I've been sharing our crazy antics and our "war with Rol" (my dad) and the funny things we did to my poor mom. (finding a rubber snake in the garbage of a neighbours house and trying to act natural while slithering in the room to throw it) She was on to us, but it was still funny.
Everyday I get in the car and say to myself, shut up why are you talking about this??! It's not something anyone wants to hear, you and your brother stories are only entertaining to you. Then today I realised why I am talking about it all, I need to. Losing your only sibling is losing your history, no one remembers your childhood and there is no one to reminisce with. This makes me crave that camaraderie and exchange of sibling tales.
I guess what I am saying is this, I have all these adopted sisters and it's fine, because I didn't have a sister growing up, so adjusting to them is fairly easy. Adding a brother, or a brother type figure is a little harder, because as I let Mike in and add him as a brother type in my life, it makes me crave and miss my own brother.
However, this may be one of the best steps for me.
I had a dream a few weeks ago. Jason was at the pub with me, which is where he normally is in my dreams, and he said this "Nell, your scared to let go of me because you're afraid I'm the only one that knows who you really are, but that isn't true anymore. You're letting others know you now and soon you will be able to let me go. " Then he smiled at me and said "And it's OK to let me go, because no matter what, you will always have me." And he tapped my head and my chest.
I woke up crying and saying No no no, over and over again. I don't want to let go, I can't. He loved me and he was the only one that loved me always, even at the worst.
But today I see it different, he isn't the only one now, my new siblings, have seen me at my worst, it never got worse than losing him, my mom and my children and now they are catching glimpse of my best and they love me too. So, maybe, just a little, I can let Jason recede. Even writing that my heart froze with fear, because this is a new idea and process. Will this happen overnight?
No.
Can these new siblings take all the hurt away? No, but they can hear my stories and share my childhood and love and understand what I lost, and patch up my heart as best they can...and.... love me whole.
Something Jason never got to do.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Rant of the month
You know that feeling when your excited about something and your tummy tingles and you're body is agitated with excitement?
I feel that today. I was looking at pictures today of a few friends on facebook and saw them hiking, walking, running and active. I looked at my own life and I basically just survive, I don't live, I survive. That's crazy!
Everyday it is the same thing, I get home from work, I make supper, eat (too much) watch some TV or read or anything that escapes me from life and then tuck everyone in and go to bed. That is all I have the energy for, granted, I do have some health concerns that I'm struggling with, but I can do better than this.
We all can.
It won't hurt the kids to go for a walk with me, it won't hurt Jon to go throw the basketball with me at the park, or when the winter months come, it won't hurt me to build a snowman with the kids or go skating (Do I remember how to skate??!!) I love the outdoors, yet I never see it anymore and I live close to Fish Creek Park and all its glory, so why don't I grab all this wonderment and live it? Tired? Lazy? Don't give a crap?
Probably.
But what am I waiting for? For life to get easier so I have the energy to do these things for a forklift to carry me out of the house because I'm too fluffy and dump me into life, for a miracle that comes along and takes away my broken heart, my anger at myself, my insecurities and my memory of a better time?
Probably, but that isn't going to happen (well maybe the forklift part if I continue the way I am.) unless I find it inside me to start living again. I have to get up, tape my favorite shows, go outside and rake the yard, take the kids with me, get out of breath and be excited, truly excited, about watching the leaves flutter down all around me! It has been a long time since I enjoyed the wonderment of this world and its beauty.
I want to hike, I hiked as a child with my parents and some friends and I loved it, I loved the climb and reaching the destination. Maybe I won't be able to reach the top at first, maybe I won't even make the first slope but I am damn well going to try again and again and again. I live in the mountains and live so close to some of the most beautiful places on earth and I never go and see them, I don't take my kids to see them and if we do go, we stay on the paved path. What am I teaching them? To always take the paved path and stay safe, because of my own fears and insecurities, because I don't want them to get hurt in any way? This isn't what I want for them. I want them to try some scary things, I want them to feel insecure and cautious and to test boundaries and know that sometimes safe, isn't the best way.
SAFE has leaded me to where I am now. Safe told me to keep everyone away from me, so I would never have to mourn again, Safe has lead me to obesity because being fluffy made me invisible to everyone and gave me peace from unwanted attention. Safe lead me to my late thirties without passion, without drive and without my best life. Safe did its job and took care of me while I healed, it protected me and cooled me down so I could build up again and feel well enough to dance with Risk again.
Risk, let me love others again, regardless if they are temporary.
Risk, will help me take off the fluffy suit and face being noticed again.
Risk, is living not knowing how it will turn out, but wanting the excitement of doing it the best you can, and excepting that it might be hard, and complicated and scary, but worth it, because you actually LIVED your best life.
I feel that today. I was looking at pictures today of a few friends on facebook and saw them hiking, walking, running and active. I looked at my own life and I basically just survive, I don't live, I survive. That's crazy!
Everyday it is the same thing, I get home from work, I make supper, eat (too much) watch some TV or read or anything that escapes me from life and then tuck everyone in and go to bed. That is all I have the energy for, granted, I do have some health concerns that I'm struggling with, but I can do better than this.
We all can.
It won't hurt the kids to go for a walk with me, it won't hurt Jon to go throw the basketball with me at the park, or when the winter months come, it won't hurt me to build a snowman with the kids or go skating (Do I remember how to skate??!!) I love the outdoors, yet I never see it anymore and I live close to Fish Creek Park and all its glory, so why don't I grab all this wonderment and live it? Tired? Lazy? Don't give a crap?
Probably.
But what am I waiting for? For life to get easier so I have the energy to do these things for a forklift to carry me out of the house because I'm too fluffy and dump me into life, for a miracle that comes along and takes away my broken heart, my anger at myself, my insecurities and my memory of a better time?
Probably, but that isn't going to happen (well maybe the forklift part if I continue the way I am.) unless I find it inside me to start living again. I have to get up, tape my favorite shows, go outside and rake the yard, take the kids with me, get out of breath and be excited, truly excited, about watching the leaves flutter down all around me! It has been a long time since I enjoyed the wonderment of this world and its beauty.
I want to hike, I hiked as a child with my parents and some friends and I loved it, I loved the climb and reaching the destination. Maybe I won't be able to reach the top at first, maybe I won't even make the first slope but I am damn well going to try again and again and again. I live in the mountains and live so close to some of the most beautiful places on earth and I never go and see them, I don't take my kids to see them and if we do go, we stay on the paved path. What am I teaching them? To always take the paved path and stay safe, because of my own fears and insecurities, because I don't want them to get hurt in any way? This isn't what I want for them. I want them to try some scary things, I want them to feel insecure and cautious and to test boundaries and know that sometimes safe, isn't the best way.
SAFE has leaded me to where I am now. Safe told me to keep everyone away from me, so I would never have to mourn again, Safe has lead me to obesity because being fluffy made me invisible to everyone and gave me peace from unwanted attention. Safe lead me to my late thirties without passion, without drive and without my best life. Safe did its job and took care of me while I healed, it protected me and cooled me down so I could build up again and feel well enough to dance with Risk again.
Risk, let me love others again, regardless if they are temporary.
Risk, will help me take off the fluffy suit and face being noticed again.
Risk, is living not knowing how it will turn out, but wanting the excitement of doing it the best you can, and excepting that it might be hard, and complicated and scary, but worth it, because you actually LIVED your best life.
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