I found it

We were born with an amazing mission. We are here to impact lives. Everyone that meets us has a reason for being there and needs us for something.

Every time you hold back what you want to tell someone, you are slowing down progress, either for you or for the other person. There are lessons to be learned, on this time we are here.We have work to do. We have to save each other with love and kindness and pure strength.

 Everyone reading this is struggling with something, a break in the soul. We are born with a pure soul, innocent and new, with expectations and lessons for us to learn. Those lessons came from a series of events you have planned for and everything...I mean everything happens for a reason. Something happens and you have to stop and see why did this happen, what is the lesson? Then have a look around, see the lesson and LEARN FROM IT!!! If you don't learn, it will happen again and again and again until you snap out of your haze and decide to grow.

Growing is difficult. It's something you don't want to do because you have to face fear, you have to challenge yourself like you can't even imagine and you actually feel physical pain from the ripping of your soul with new growth. These lessons are the plan, you need to get it done, so get it over with. Do the work, get this hard job done and move onto the next lessons.

Look at your own impact points. Memories you have that are crystal clear, that you can remember the expressions of people and the feeling of the moment. Now ask yourself why is that an impact point? Then open it up and ask yourself why do I need to remember this?

Now while you are doing all this amazing work you come upon another person that needs you to impact them. Do it and don't hesitate. Just remember. DO NO HARM. EVER. Words are alive. They can fester and maul a beautiful soul. That isn't a productive thing to do, as well as it doesn't do nice things to your own soul. Be very wise with your soul, it is tender and perfect and beautiful and all yours to build and create with.

Do not be afraid to face those fears and mistakes you feel you have made.( I struggled with this one all my life) Guess what? You didn't make ANY mistakes. You trudged along, following the plan and you made decisions that had to either impact you or someone in your life. They needed it and so did you. Was it sometimes imperfect and wrong and messy? YES. Can you fix it? YES. Should you? YES. At least inquire.

It's never to late to listen with a loving heart. If someone around you is struggling or need you to stop and hear them. STOP. You are being tested. Give love. Give them a lift. Give the best you there is.

Hey where did this all come from?

I saw the light. I went to the mountains and I begged for my life back. I begged for understanding and peace of soul.

I found it.
 

No regrets

I'm Back.

This blog is going on a new adventure. After reflecting on the reason I am fluffy, I needed time to absorb it, understand it and love myself in spite of it.

I quick update, I have finally decided to give myself a break. I quite my job, I have layed off of many of my responsibilities, I have relinquished control so that I can focus on rebuilding my mind,body and soul. In all of this I needed to learn how to say mercy, and STOP. Everyone needs a time out, I needed mine long ago, but was constantly chasing acceptance from everyone in my life. I am done with that now. I accept me, that is all I need to sustain me. I love having people in my life that love me, and help me and believe in me, but even they can't fulfill me. That is all mine.

So what have I been doing since leaving my job, my life and all my responsibilities? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I read, I look up stuff on YouTube. I rest alot, I reflect on everything and I hide.

I HIDE. What am I hiding from?

Right now I need to be in an environment that is fully safe, no judgement, no harsh words, no pressure, no responsibility.  I need to adjust to myself, with myself. I know I have children and a life to take care of and I do the usual Mother duties, but when everyone is at school and work, I work on the really hard stuff, I work on being alone with myself, not avoiding my thoughts, not avoiding my feelings or my sickness. I am owning the neglect I have given myself, I am resting my over worked and over saddened body and letting it live without demands and pressure, I take all meds like a good girl. I drink water and eat a new healthy thing every day.

This is an absolute sacrifice, our finances are tight, we aren't saving for retirement or the future. Extras aren't possible, but you know what? These things won't be possible if I don't survive either. Taking a time out is a right we should all have. I know we all think that we couldn't survive if we stopped. WE can't survive if we don't.

Here is a quote that nails it.

Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you. ~John De Paola

What are we working so hard for? A better life? More stuff? MORE MORE MORE.

STOP!!! Just stop it.

Will our kids survive if they don't have all this crap. YES. Will we survive if we don't have the nicest car, home, couch, clothes, purse, wallet, shoes, CRAP.

YES WE WILL!!! I'm not chasing that perfection anymore. Perfection?!? When we dream of perfection or heaven or all the beautiful peaceful places on earth does it ever involve a hot car, a big house filled with  electronics, Prada bags  and crap like that? No. Its a river that flows, mountains that shine, rainfalls in forests, peace, surrounded by friends and family and LOVE.

That is what I have right  now. I'm surrounded with it here, at home, I'm done the chase. Exhausting myself to make the judgemental world happy is over. I'm going to live, make more mistakes, dive into something head on and listen to only my OWN conscience. If I regret it, huh, well I won't do that again, if I loved it...bring it on. What makes me happy, is no ones business but mine. They can laugh at the antics and shake their head all they want but I AM LIVING fully, not on their agenda, but mine.

When I have rested, cherished and healed myself I will get back into it all. Not the false crap, but I will dive back into life.

No regrets.

Quick Blog

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make your vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down
by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.


People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Forever Fluffy.

I will be forever Fluffy.

No, I haven't quit my weight-loss journey. I just came to realize that although I am heading towards a happier healthier me, I will always be forever Fluffy.

Being Fluffy has changed me for life. This fluffy suit is the sole reason I am still on this planet. Fluffy came to me at a time that I couldn't feel anymore. I was numb with loss and shame. She stood up from that bathroom floor I was laying on and said" I will take care of you now. I'm sensitive, impulsive, irresponsible and chaotic, but I will keep you going, until you remember who you are without me."

I was more than happy to take a back burner to my life. Sure, Fluffy came in and ate what she wanted, she acted like an impulsive clown, she made some horrible decisions, she made some great ones too, and I didn't care. I didn't want to engage in it anymore. Sure I saw the pounds keep rollin on. I saw my life spinning out of control and I let the destruction continue. I hated me, I hated my life and I certainly didn't want the reins of my complicated life anymore. As I became more Fluffy and less me, I started to forget who I was before Fluffy came into my life. She became me. No ambition, no dreams, no heartbeat, just someone that filled the void inside me.

Then this year, I woke from my grief-induced coma, and took my first breath. I looked around me, I looked at me; at Fluffy, and saw what she really is. Although she looks fluffy, and soft and weak, she is stronger than anyone I know. She faced my life, made tough decisions, ate to keep me alive, ate to fill the emptiness, she wore a fluffy suit that told the world" I am hurting...do something!!" The world doesn't see the fluffy suit as a protective armour from pain, or an actual burden carried for everyone to see. They see it as something to get rid of and hide and be ashamed of. Fluffy displayed that and was judged and condemned and yet she carried on.

She is the better part of me.  I am humbled to have met her, to stand in her shoes and feel her strength and pain. If I had never stepped into this fluffy suit, I would never have learned this lesson about my fluffy friends. That they are warriors, fighting in a society that condemns them, tries to cure them and mocks the attempts they make to survive. If I never met Fluffy, I wouldn't have been blessed with this new found respect for all those survivors out there. Nor would I decide to be an advocate for them, stand up and fight for my fluffy friends.

If it wasn't for Fluffy, I wouldn't be here.

Even though the layers of this fluffy suit are coming off, and I am stepping back into my life, I will never be the girl I was before I met Fluffy. I will never be as hard as I was before, Never will I see just a Fluffy person.  From now on, I see someone carrying hurt, abuse, and judgement and I will be humbled to witness such survival, endurance and resilience.

 I will keep the best of Fluffy with me.

Her unwavering desire to live.
Her achievement in survival.

And.
(sob)
Her unconditional love of me.

Her unconditional love of me.

The Gift.

Trying to lose weight before you have healed is a bad idea. You will get some weight off but as soon as you feel scared or lost you will go back to your old ways of "filling" yourself.

I have lost weight, there is no question. I am sure the weight I lost was the grief. I finally took some time to grieve my family and with that came off some weight. It came off my life burden. It felt great.

Then the weight loss stopped.

My body was telling me that I needed to rest, it said something big is about to happen and you will need a great amount of strength to manage it. I grew very fearful. Please don't let something terrible happen, please.

I rested, and ate (better choices) and I listened for the change that awaited me.

During this rest period, my soul sisters and I were communicating and finding out things about each other. We decided to ask each other some questions about who we really are vs what is perceived about us. I told one of my sisters I always thought she had this weird schedule that she LIVED by.

She laughed and said she wishes she was that organized and its cool that I would think that. HAHA.

I then said I was afraid to say some things around her because she was very religious. She smiled and said, why do you think I'm super religious? I told her it was because she always gave religious cards for occasions.

She again laughed and said she thought the messages were great and something to share.

I said "I don't read them. I act like I am, but I'm not."

"Why" she asked.

"I read most of those token quotes in my time in Catholic School, it got old."

"Those Catholic Schools sure ruined a lot of good stuff" She said.

"Yeah" I muttered.

The truth is I didn't like the topic of religion, not many of us do. It is the cause of more arguments and wars than any other topic.

As most of you know, I stopped talking to God because we had a deal, and I felt, he broke our relationship. I couldn't speak to him, I couldn't voice my pain so I chose utter silence.

Skip ahead a few weeks. My cousin was celebrating Confirmation. (Catholic for confirming your dedication to the Catholic Church)

I went because she is very important to me, and I remember my own Confirmation. It was a special day.

The Bishop was in attendance, I knew this was going to be a long day at the Church. I settled in to stare off into space. No way I'm listening. I am respectful in Church, I do the motions, I always sing, I try to "look" Catholic, but I never let it seep in. "Deals over God."

The Bishop came in, with the cane thingy and the big hat. I watched the procession and started obsessing about how hot it was in there. I could also smell burgers cooking for the BBQ to celebrate after the ceremony. MMMM burgers. I like Church today. :)

The usual praying and announcements and ...stuff started out. I stared into space, wondering how come the songs were in two languages. Huh?...ohhhh I see this church has a large diversity. Cool.

I was busy doing my usual sits, prayers, bows when it became time to listen to the Bishops Eulogy. I remember sighing and thinking " Here we go, boring none interesting crap."

Then he got my attention. He was talking about a parrot, that lost its voice because a woman accidentally vacuumed him up while cleaning his cage. We all laughed, but then he said the words that caught me, the bird stopped singing, and stopped talking because of the trauma.

I understood this bird.
I was listening.
"This better be good priest." I thought.

Then it was. He went on to explain that this life is full of terrible things that happen to you. That you will lose people, and lose hope..even faith, you will feel alone, in your terror and your fear and turn away from all of it. Yet, because you are here, because you are life, you are precious. You deserve better than this sorrow, pain and fear. You are a gift worth living for.

I teared up. I am a gift worth living for.

He went on to say that you are not alone. Never are. You just have to ask for help. Put it out there that you require guidance and love and support and it will come to you. Call it praying, the secret, the law of attraction whatever your belief system is,  but know that you are being heard. You are loved and protected by your own beautiful self and a whole entity that believes in your worthiness and greatness.

BUT. ( there is always a but)

You need to speak. Or believe. Or sing.

You need to put it into action,all that love, and fulfillment and worthiness is inside you, to share and spread, deliver and receive.
 
Do onto others, as you would have done onto you.

If you believe in anything, you need to believe that you are special and a true gift and precious...mostly precious.

I got that message. So I decided to pray, makes it easier for me to just be general so I closed my eyes and I sang.
" I need your grace. To remind me, of how to feel." Yes the song Chasing Cars. Its been playing in my head over and over and I knew I needed to say those words. So I did. I need grace. I need to feel and I need grace from the shame.



I had no idea when I would be answered, I didn't even care but putting it out there, my need, I felt like I let go of a huge burden.

I went home and weighed myself. Nope. It wasn't actually weight, just the feeling of weight.

ARGH. AND my body is still telling me to rest, because the best is yet to come.

Because, I spoke again and asked.

Because I believe I'm a gift and I am precious.

The good stuff

During meditation, I have been traveling down memory lane. Man I live one funny life.

Here are some of my newly remembered  hilarious moments.


In grade 6 I had a very bad cold, there was this guy in my class that I had a major crush on, he finally noticed me and I went to smile at him and breathed out my nose and blew a snot bubble. Awesome. I was called snot bubble girl most of that year.


I was at a friends party waiting in line for the bathroom when my friend shouted that her parents came home early and that we all had to jump from third storey balcony. I was spazing because I'm terrified of heights, but my boyfriend coaxed me by saying he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I finally jumped and landed on my rump with a big bang, I felt this warm sensation coming from between my legs and I freaked saying I had internal injuries, jumping up and down. My boyfriend calmed me down and had a look...to discover I peed my pants. Awesome.

Another time a guy asked me if I did oral sex. I said I had to get back to him. I went to my friend Sue and asked her what it meant. She said " Well Roach, oral means mouth and sex is ...well sex so it must mean talking dirty" OF COURSE!!! So I went back to the boy, and said " Hey, I would love to have oral sex." He grinned like he won the lottery. Then asked me when. I said right now is fine. He looked confused. I got nervous and said," well I will start if you want." He looked further confused and so I said "or you can?" He then said "Um...when?"
I said "Right now is fine" Then he blushed. "Here??!!" We had all our friends around us at a baseball game. "Yep sure. I'm not shy...hahaha are you?"
"So you want to give me a BJ in front of everyone?"
"WHAT NO!!! GROSS."
He then burst out laughing. " You don't know what oral sex is? Do you?"
"Well I do now, and you can beat it, pervert."
Awesome.

School mascot. I had a helper that was suppose to make sure I don't walk into anything or get beaten by children ( it happens folks watch your children, they are vicious, they bite too) Anyways, mine was trying to pick up a guy and wasn't any where in site. I decided to get on a railing and wave our flag, my big Griffen feet didn't fit very well and I fell 8 feet to the ground landing on my back, I was  totally winded. I couldn't breathe or move and a little kid comes up and jumps up onto my belly. DOUBLE WINDED! Then he proceeds to loogie on my face area. Try catching your breathe in a hot, mean, smelly costume, isn't for the faint of heart. My "not" watcher, came running up and whipped the kid off me and whispered into my mask "Are you dead?"
"No" I croaked, "But you will be when I get out of this."
She left me.
Awesome.

Jason and I. Well pretty much everything we did together was stupid. LOL. But on this occasion we decided to smoke some teabags together. We heard about it some where. So we grab some teabags and some loose leaf paper and went outside to the shed, we took 5  whole bags and rolled them into a huge joint. We then decided we needed scotch tape to hold it together because licking it wasn't working.

LOL...omg I cant even continue because I'm laughing so much....anyways...Jason holds it up and sniffs along the length of it again and says "Let the good times begin"

I grinned and said, "I wonder how screwed up we're going to get?"

Wise guy Jason says " Who cares? Whats the worst that can happen?"  We then looked around the shed. It had an ax, pruning sheers, gasoline, a lawn mower...many tools of  carnage. We both started laughing, maybe we shouldn't do it in here.

"So Nell, what are our options?  We do all our stupid stuff in this shed cuz if Dad catches us he will put his foot up our asses"
"Um, how about the Alley behind the Telus Store? It's close and we can hide  if there's trouble."
"Perfect." Smiled Jay.
Gripping our prized possession we bike over to the Telus alley. Jason pulled out our Tea joint, and gives it another sniff. "What kind of tea did you grab?" He asked me.
" I don't give a shit! Tea is tea." I scoffed.
"Yeah, but if its mint, it might burn the inside of our nose!"
"Well you've been sniffing it, what does it smell like?!"
"Loose leaf and tape."
I sighed impatiently. "I don't care, lets do this."
"Alright fine. I'll start it. I swear Nell if it burns my nose hairs out, you will taste my wrath."
I rolled my eyes. 
His wrath was embarrassing if anything.
"Do it!" I barked. I wanted to get it over with so we could get high and do stupid things.

Jason takes out his Zippo and holds the giant joint to his mouth. "This going to be awesome."
He puts the lighter up to the paper, and starts lighting it and puffing in. Over and over and over again.
"What's going on?" I said.
"Won't light." He gasped.
"Let me try." I huffed and puffed and tried and tried and nothing would get our magic joint to work.
"Well this is lame." Jason laughed.
I licked the sides of the joint. "I saw that on a movie, maybe it needs moisture." Tried again. It was worse.
Jason ripped open the joint and sniffed the tea bags. "Well, on the bright side...it was mint."
I laughed.
He laughed. 
We went home.
Left our joint in the alley.

This last one will be in my book for sure. I've been playing with the idea of making the book a series. Book one will start with G. I think I will start with where my troubles started. When I met G,  Jason was still alive, so it will touch on my relationship with him, and it will play out as it really did.

The second book will be about Jerry and losing my mom and the slow descent into dark. The choices I made and why and even if I never publish this book, it will help me cheer for myself and figure out how the bad decisions were made.

It is the single most therapeutic thing I am doing.

My story.
Hopefully it has a happy ending

...no wait!!!

It already does.

Our true worth.

One Flaw In Women


Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

However, if there is one flaw in women. . .

it is that they forget their true worth.

~Author Unknown ~